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  • -Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"

  • here in New York City. Studio 6A.

  • Alright, let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, the results are almost final.

  • And it looks like America has tested negative

  • for Donald Trump.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The rapid test was inconclusive,

  • but the four-day test confirmed it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump kept on saying "Make America great again,"

  • and this week 74 million people were like,

  • "You got it, dude."

  • To put in terms that he can understand,

  • America is basically telling Trump, "We want a divorce."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You know, CNN and NBC are calling each other like,

  • "You want to announce it first?"

  • "No, he's been worse to you.

  • You should do the honors."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Now that it appears that Trump might lose,

  • he can just hang out, play golf and tweet.

  • He's going to be the only guy in history whose life stayed

  • exactly the same before, during and after his presidency.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's obviously not official, but yeah,

  • it seems likely that Trump is out.

  • Right now, Americans are looking at each other like

  • the blow-deck crew after a crazy guest finally gets off the boat.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Not even a good tip, nothing."

  • Meanwhile, the IRS is like, "Seriously?

  • We just finished that audit on his taxes.

  • We just -- [ Laughter ]

  • we just finished it."

  • What a time for Joe Biden to be president.

  • He now gets to deal with a pandemic,

  • a cratering economy, and most annoying at all,

  • a not even close to finish construction project

  • on the border.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, it looks like Joe Biden could be our next president.

  • I am not sure who's more shocked right now,

  • President Trump or President Obama.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Biden's ready to celebrate.

  • Tonight his campaign wheeled out a bucket of milk

  • and said on Tuesday this was an ice cream cake.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Thank you.

  • That's a good one. I like that one.

  • Well done, right?

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But, looks like Philadelphia really came through for Biden.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • And he's so thankful, he's making his

  • Secretary of State the Phille Phanatic.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, it's looking more and more like Biden is going to win,

  • which is why today, the entire Space Force

  • was like, "Hello?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Are we still a thing?

  • Anyone? Anyone? Hello?"

  • Well, last night Trump spoke from the White House,

  • and what he said was so crazy

  • that some news anchor cut him off.

  • They cut the President off.

  • Check out a bit of what he said.

  • -If you count the legal votes, I easily win.

  • If you count the illegal votes,

  • they can try to steal the election from us.

  • -When asked how he can just get up and lie about out democracy,

  • Trump was like, "I'm sorry, are you new here?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • This is how I do it

  • ♪♪

  • This is how I do it

  • [ Laughter ]

  • People are... [ Laughter ]

  • No.

  • This is how I do it

  • ♪♪

  • This is how I do it

  • Sha, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

  • How does he do it?

  • What are you... Sha, na, na, na, na?

  • What is he doing? What is he talking about?

  • People are calling it the craziest speech...

  • [ Laughter ] -Yo, man.

  • -I love he did that part. He likes that.

  • No, no, no. I can't do it.

  • It will turn me into a hashtag. The -- Yeah.

  • -Yeah, man. Go ahead.

  • -People are calling it the craziest speech Trump

  • has ever given, and this is from a guy who talked about

  • how many times it takes him to flush his toilet.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump gave a pretty insane press conference

  • where he made several false claims about the election.

  • It definitely seemed like he was in a downward spiral.

  • And well, even a certain someone had thoughts on the speech.

  • Take a look at this.

  • -I easily win.

  • If you count the illegal votes...

  • -It's a very sad moment.

  • To me this is a very sad moment.

  • -...the election from us.

  • If you count the votes that came in...

  • -What the hell is he talking about?

  • -...we're looking Denver a strong way.

  • A lot of votes came in late.

  • -This guy's a vacuum cleaner.

  • -Decisively won. -Christopher Columbus.

  • -Trees in Florida. Iowa.

  • -I can't watch me.

  • -To name just a few, we won these

  • and many other -- -Turn him off!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • -"Christopher Columbus.

  • Christopher."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • We're in unchartered territory here.

  • Trump seems like he's digging in.

  • Listen to this.

  • -The president's path back to the White House

  • has become narrower as the hours tick by today.

  • New reporting says, the president

  • has no plans to concede.

  • -Trump heard and was like, " Wrong.

  • Everyone knows I am the most conceded."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • This is how I do it

  • Sha, na, na, na, na, na, na, ♪

  • Now I hate that song.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • My hands are in the air

  • [ Laughter ]

  • What's he saying? -Yo, man.

  • -Why is he doing this?

  • I guess he's doing a Montell Jordan's song, man.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump won't concede, and some people think

  • he might not even leave willingly.

  • In response, this is real, a Biden spokesmen said,

  • "As we said on July 19th, the American people

  • will decide this election and the United States government

  • is perfectly capable of escorting trespassers

  • out of the White House."

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Oh, man.

  • Biden is going to give Trump to full Omorosa.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's not that hard to get Trump out.

  • You just leave a trail of McNuggets towards the door.

  • "Another McNugget.

  • Another McNugget?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Another? Just my lucky day.

  • Another. What's going on?"

  • Meanwhile, inside the Trump campaign they're busy deciding

  • who's going to break him the bad news to him.

  • Watch this. -Who is going to be the person

  • that's going reckon with the President and tell him

  • that his time in office could be coming to an end?

  • And that's a conversation that I'm told

  • the President's allies are still having.

  • They're not sure who that person is going to be.

  • They've talked about Jared Kushner.

  • They've talked about someone like an Ivanka Trump.

  • -Right now Dr. Fauci is like, "Me! Me!

  • Pick me! I'll do it! I would love to do it!

  • Please!

  • Please pick me!"

  • I mean, how is Jared going to break that to Trump?

  • It's like, "Yes, you lost.

  • But the important thing is, these last few days

  • you carried yourself with dignity and grace.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Also, I think your caps lock is locked.

  • It's still on. it's still on."

  • It is like the anxiety of telling dad,

  • "We think of putting you in a new home, but times a billion."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, now that it seems like the election is coming

  • to an end, people are already talking about

  • what Trump will do next. Check it out.

  • -Still, if the president loses, his former Chief of Staff

  • suggests this won't be the last of President Trump

  • in the political arena.

  • -I would absolutely expect the President

  • to stay involved in politics.

  • And absolutely put him on a short list of people

  • who are likely to run in 2024.

  • -Man, if you think Trump is angry now,

  • imagine him on four more years of steroids.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Trump might run again in 2024.

  • But that's only if he gets out early for good behavior.

  • [ Applause ]

  • We have a great show.

  • Give it up for The Roots everybody!

  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • My hands are in the air

  • We have a great show for you tonight.

  • You can see him on "This Is Us," right here on NBC,

  • Milo Ventimiglia is here.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • He's a stud.

  • Plus, he stars in new film "Stardust," Marc Maron is here.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • And we got great music from Oneohtrix Point Never.

  • Look at that. [ Applause ]

  • Whoa, wow, whoa, wow.

  • Yeah, that's trippy.

  • I like that, man. -Yeah.

  • -Yeah. -Uh-huh.

  • -Oneohtrix. -Yeah.

  • -Point Never.

  • Uh, guys, it has been a crazy week,

  • but it seems like finally maybe it might be all over?

  • Yep. All the news outlets are saying

  • that Biden is on the verge of winning the presidency,

  • and you can feel -- you can feel the relief.

  • Monday I had no clue

  • But on Tuesday it'd be through

  • Wednesday, Thursday still no news

  • But it's Friday

  • ♪ I think it's done

  • Pennsylvania, you came through

  • Seems like maybe Joe did too, oh

  • Steve called like he's turning blue

  • But it's Friday, I think it's done

  • Saturday is too late

  • And Sunday needs a break

  • Friday, come on, I can't wait

  • Tuesday I was out of whack

  • Wednesday I started to crack

  • Thursday I had heart attack

  • But it's Friday, I think it's done

  • Yeah, it's Friday

  • ♪ I think it's done

  • It's Friday everyone.

  • We have a great show!

  • Stick around!

  • ♪♪

  • It's Friday

  • Yeah

-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"

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Trump Has No Plans to Concede the Election | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/07
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