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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • I'M HERE WITH MY FRIENDS MARK AND CHRIS.

  • SCOTT'S OVER THERE.

  • EVIE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

  • WE'RE TAPING THIS JUST A LITTLE WHILE AFTER DONALD TRUMP WALKED

  • INTO THE WHITE HOUSE BRIEFING ROOM AND TRIED TO POISON

  • AMERICAN DEMOCRACY.

  • THAT'S WHY I'M NOT SITTING DOWN YET.

  • I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT YET.

  • THAT'S ALSO WHY I'M DRESSED FOR A FUNERAL.

  • BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP TRIED REALLY HARD TO KILL SOMETHING

  • TONIGHT.

  • AROUND 7:00, THE PRESIDENT CAME OUT INTO THE WHITE HOUSE

  • BRIEFING ROOM AND LIED FOR 15 MINUTES.

  • JUST NONSENSE ABOUT ILLEGAL VOTE DUMPS AND CORRUPT ELECTION

  • OFFICIALS AND SECRET DEMOCRATIC CABALS AND, I DON'T KNOW

  • LONG-FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATES, PROBABLY.

  • IT'S ALL THE SAME.

  • IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT IT -- THAT JOE BIDEN WAS GETTING

  • CLOSE TO 270, DONALD TRUMP JUST PROVIDED ALL THE PROOF YOU WILL

  • EVER NEED.

  • TRUE STORY: I'M WEARING BLACK, BECAUSE I WAS GETTING DRESSED

  • THIS AFTERNOON AND I THOUGHT, "HE MIGHT TRY SOME SHENANIGANS

  • AND IT MIGHT BE FITTING TO TELL JOKES WHILE WEARING SOMETHING

  • SOMBER IF HE GOES DOWN THAT DARK PATH."

  • AND I'M NO PROPHET.

  • IT'S JUST, HE'S SO PREDICTABLE.

  • FOR WEEKS, WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT HOW THERE'D BE A RED

  • MIRAGE, THEN HOW THE OUTSTANDING BIDEN MAIL-IN BALLOTS WOULD

  • MAYBE LET JOE CATCH UP.

  • AND THAT TRUMP WOULD THEN COME OUT PROBABLY THURSDAY AROUND THE

  • EVENING NEWS AND PRETEND THAT HE WON AND ACCUSE EVERYONE OF

  • CHEATING.

  • THE GUY DOESN'T HAVE ANOTHER GEAR.

  • GET A NEW ACT!

  • I MEAN, HE SAID THIS STUFF BACK IN 2016!

  • >> I WILL TOTALLY ACCEPT THE RESULTS OF THIS GREAT AND

  • HISTORIC PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION...

  • IF I WIN.

  • >> STEPHEN: SO, WE ALL KNEW HE WOULD DO THIS.

  • >> STEPHEN: SO, WE ALL KNEW HE WOULD DO THIS.

  • WHAT I DID NOT KNOW IS HOW MUCH IT WOULD HURT.

  • I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS TO BREAK MY HEART.

  • FOR HIM TO CAST A DARK SHADOW ON OUR MOST SACRED RIGHT.

  • FROM THE BRIEFING ROOM IN THE WHITE HOUSE-- OUR HOUSE, NOT

  • HIS-- THAT IS DEVASTATING.

  • THIS IS HEARTBREAKING FOR THE SAME REASON THAT I DIDN'T WANT

  • HIM TO GET COVID, CERTAINLY WHY I WANTED HIM TO SURVIVE, BECAUSE

  • HE IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

  • THAT OFFICE MEANS SOMETHING AND THAT OFFICE SHOULD HAVE SOME

  • SHRED OF DECENCY.

  • NOW, WE KNEW HE WOULD LEAVE A STAIN THERE-- AND NOT JUST FROM

  • HIS BUTT BRONZER-- BECAUSE EVERYTHING HE DID IS NOW

  • PRESIDENTIAL BEHAVIOR.

  • INCLUDING THIS.

  • UNLESS-- UNLESS!-- EVERY SINGLE PERSON REJECTS WHAT HE JUST DID.

  • AND HAT MEANS, FOR ALL THE PREDICTABLE BEHAVIOR OF THE LAST

  • FEW DAYS AND THE LAST FOUR YEARS, RIGHT NOW SOMETHING

  • UNPREDICTABLE NEEDS TO HAPPEN: REPUBLICANS HAVE TO SPEAK UP --

  • ALL OF THEM.

  • BECAUSE FOR EVIL TO SUCCEED, ALL THATIS NECESSARY IS FOR GOOD

  • MEN TO DO NOTHING.

  • SO SAY SOMETHING RIGHT NOW, REPUBLICANS.

  • NOT LATER, NOT AFTER YOU'VE STUCK YOUR FINGER UP IN THE WIND

  • OR WHEREVER YOU WANT TO PUT IT.

  • RIGHT NOW, IT'S IN YOUR BEST INTEREST.

  • YOU ONLY SURVIVED THIS UP UNTIL NOW BECAUSE A LOT OF VOTERS

  • DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING THAT WAS OBVIOUS TO

  • SO MANY OF US: THAT DONALD TRUMP IS A FASCIST.

  • AND WHEN IT COMES TO DEMOCRACY VERSUS FASCISM, THERE ARE NOT

  • FINE PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES.

  • SO YOU NEED TO CHOOSE: DONALD TRUMP OR THE AMERICAN

  • PEOPLE?

  • THIS IS THE TIME TO GET OFF THE TRUMP TRAIN.

  • BECAUSE HE JUST TOLD YOU WHERE THE TRAIN IS GOING, AND IT'S NOT

  • A PASSENGER TRAIN, BUT HE'LL LOAD YOU ON IT, TOO, SOMEDAY.

  • IN ABSENCE OF GOOD MEN, HOW ABOUT MITCH MCCONELL?

  • HAS HE SAID ANYTHING?

  • WHAT DOES HE SAY?

  • >> HE DECLINED TO COMMENT.

  • >> Stephen: HE DECLINED TO COMMENT.

  • OKAY, MITCH McCONNELL HAS DECLINED TO COMMENT.

  • THE MAXIM OF THE LAW IS: QUI TACET CONSENTIRE.

  • WHO IS SILENT, GIVES CONSENT.

  • SO, MITCH WAS LOUD AND CLEAR.

  • HE'S OKAY WITH THIS.

  • IT'S NOT EVEN A HARD CALL.

  • THIS IS IN YOUR SELF INTEREST TO SUPPORT VOTES BEING COUNTED.

  • THAT'S HOW YOU GOT YOUR JOBS.

  • I GUESS MITCH MCCONNELL IS SAYING HE WAS REELECTED THROUGH

  • FRAUDULENT VOTES AS WELL?

  • AND HE'S HOLDING ONTO THE SENATE BECAUSE OF FRAUDULENT ELECTIONS

  • IN OTHER STATES, AND REPUBLICANS PICKED UP SEATS IN THE HOUSE

  • BECAUSE OF FRAUDULENT ELECTIONS?

  • SO, CAST THEM ALL OUT?

  • IS THAT WHAT YOUR SILENCE IS SAYING, MITCH MCCONNELL?

  • SO AMERICA'S GOING TO COUNT SOMETHING ELSE RIGHT NOW.

  • WHO IS WILLING TO SPEAK UP.

  • WHO IS GOING TO SPEAK UP AGAINST DONALD TRUMP TRYING TO KILL

  • DEMOCRACY, AND WHO WILL STAY SILENT IN THE

  • FACE OF THIS DESPERATE ATTACK ON THE BEDROCK INSTITUTION OF THIS

  • GREAT NATION.

  • BECAUSE HE JUST ATTACKED THE THING THAT MOST MAKES US GREAT.

  • IT'S TIME TO MEAN WHAT ALL YOUR HATS HAVE BEEN YELLING.

  • BY THE WAY, IF DONALD TRUMP IS RIGHT AND JOE BIDEN PULLED THE

  • STRINGS BEHIND THE SCENES IN REPUBLICAN STATES LIKE ARIZONA

  • AND GEORGIA, WHILE COORDINATING WITH DEMOCRATIC STATES LIKE

  • PENNSYLVANIA AND NEVADA, AND WISCONSIN AND MICHIGAN, AND

  • THROWING IN THE RED HERRING OF LETTING THE REPUBLICANS KEEP THE

  • SENATE AND GAIN SEATS IN THE HOUSE, WHILE JUST BARELY

  • REMOVING DONALD TRUMP?

  • WOW!

  • I MEAN, KUDOS TO THAT LEVEL OF INTERSTATE COORDINATION!

  • I MEAN, ANYONE WHO COULD ACCOMPLISH THAT MANY THINGS AT

  • ONCE WOULD REALLY BE THE PRESIDENT WE NEED DURING A

  • GLOBAL PANDEMIC.

  • THIS IS WHEN I REALLY WISH I COULD SWEAR.

  • BUT I'LL JUST SAY THIS: WE'RE NOT GOING TO SHOW YOU A SECOND

  • OF WHAT THAT SAD, FRIGHTENED FRAUD SAID.

  • BECAUSE IT IS POISON, AND I LIKE YOU.

  • HE CAN SUCK SILENCE.

  • AND HE CAN SUCK MY FROSTED YUMNUT.

  • THAT REFERENCE IS GOING TO MAKE SENSE LATER.

  • STAY WITH ME.

  • AND INSTEAD, I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMEONE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

  • THIS HAPPENED YESTERDAY IN NEVADA.

  • >> AS I MENTIONED, WE ARE NOT PREPARED--

  • >> THE BIDEN CRIME FAMILY'S STEALING THE ELECTION!

  • THE MEDIA'S COVERING UP!

  • JOE BIDEN CRIME FAMILY'S STEALING THIS ELECTION!

  • THE MEDIA'S COVERING UP!

  • JOE BIDEN'S COVERING UP THIS ELECTION.

  • JOE BIDEN IS COVERING UP THIS ELECTION!

  • HE'S STEALING IT!

  • >> --WHERE WERE WE?

  • WHAT WAS THE LAST QUESTION?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THAT GUY OUT IN FRONT OF THE

  • MICs I JOE GLORIA, THE REGISTRAR OF CLARK COUNTY,

  • NEVADA.

  • HE LET THAT GUY SPEW HIS CRAZY TILL HE WAS TIRED, WATCHED HIM

  • WALK AWAY, AND THEN JOE GLORIA TOOK A DEEP BREATH, AND DID HIS

  • JOB.

  • WHICH IS WHAT WE SHOULD ALL DO.

  • STAY COOL.

  • OKAY, NOW LET'S DO THE MONOLOGUE.

  • >> BIDEN CRIME FAMILY, BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

  • BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

  • BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

  • BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

  • BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

  • BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

  • BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

  • BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

  • BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

  • THAT'S ALL I GOT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: OKAY, WHERE WERE WE?

  • EVEN BEFORE IL DOUCHIE LUMBERED TO THE PODIUM, AMERICA WAS

  • EXPERIENCING SOME HIGHLY-REFINED, WEAPONS-GRADE

  • ANXIETY BECAUSE, WHILE THINGS WERE LOOKING GOOD FOR BIDEN, AS

  • OF 8:30 P.M., THE RACE REMAINS ON A RAZOR'S EDGE.

  • SO, NOT ONLY IS IT STRESSFUL, IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE.

  • AMERICA SHOULD BE NOWHERE NEAR SHARP OBJECTS.

  • THEY SHOULD TAKE AWAY OUR SHOELACES AND OUR BELT.

  • A REMINDER: TO WIN THE PRESIDENCY, A CANDIDATE NEEDS

  • 270 ELECTORAL VOTES.

  • AS I RECORD TONIGHT'S ZOETROPE, BIDEN HAS 253.

  • BIDEN IS SO CLOSE TO VICTORY, HE CAN SMELL ITS HAIR.

  • ONE KEY STATE IS ARIZONA.

  • BIDEN IS AHEAD.

  • IN FACT, SEVERAL NEWS ORGANIZATIONS HAVE ALREADY

  • CALLED THE STATE FOR HIM.

  • THE TRUMP FOLKS STILL INSIST THEY HAVE A CHANCE, BUT EVEN

  • REPUBLICAN-FRIENDLY ESTIMATES SAY TRUMP HAS A STEEP UPHILL

  • BATTLE TO CLOSE THE GAP.

  • AND THE ONLY THING MORE CHALLENGING THAN A STEEP UPHILL

  • BATTLE FOR TRUMP WOULD BE A STEEP DOWNHILL WADDLE.

  • THEN THERE'S NEVADA, WHERE BIDEN'S AHEAD, BUT NOT BY MUCH.

  • HE CURRENTLY LEADS BY ABOUT 12,000 VOTES, WITH THE MAJORITY

  • OF THE VOTES LEFT FROM THE LAS VEGAS AREA.

  • BUT IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT TRUMP DIDN'T TAKE VEGAS.

  • WHENEVER TRUMP IS NEAR A CASINO, HE LOSES EVERYTHING.

  • ANOTHER STATE WE'RE WAITING ON IS GEORGIA, WHICH AWARDS 16

  • ELECTORAL VOTES.

  • NOW IT'S A TOSS-UP.

  • PER THE GEORGIA STATE CONSTITUTION, THEIR ELECTION

  • CANNOT BE ULTIMATELY DECIDED UNTIL ALL MAIL-IN VOTES ARE

  • TABULATED AND ONE CANDIDATE HAS DEFEATED THE DEVIL IN A FIDDLE

  • CONTEST.

  • BUT THE KEY RACE IS THE KEYSTONE STATE, PENNSYLVANIA.

  • BIDEN'S HOME STATE.

  • RIGHT NOW, TRUMP LEADS, BUT AS THEY COUNT THE MAIL-IN BALLOTS,

  • BIDEN IS RAPIDLY CLOSING THE GAP.

  • IF BIDEN WINS, HE'LL RECEIVE AN ELECTION-DECIDING 20 ELECTORAL

  • VOTES.

  • PER THE PENNSYLVANIA CONSTITUTION, THAT'S ONE FOR

  • EVERY CAR THEY'LL FLIP OVER IN PHILLY, NO MATTER WHO WINS.

  • BUT NO SURPRISE, TRUMP IS ALREADY CLAIMING HE WON

  • PENNSYLVANIA, AMONG OTHER STATES, TWEETING, "WE HAVE

  • CLAIMED, FOR ELECTORAL VOTE PURPOSES, THE COMMONWEALTH OF

  • PENNSYLVANIA-- WHICH WON'T ALLOW LEGAL OBSERVERS-- THE STATE OF

  • GEORGIA, AND THE STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA, EACH ONE OF WHICH

  • HAS A BIG TRUMP LEAD.

  • ADDITIONALLY, WE HEREBY CLAIM THE STATE OF MICHIGAN IF, IN

  • FACT, THERE WAS A LARGE NUMBER OF SECRETLY DUMPED BALLOTS AS

  • HAS BEEN WIDELY REPORTED!" YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMETHING

  • OFFICIAL JUST BY USING FANCY-SOUNDING WORDS LIKE

  • "HEREBY."

  • "FOR ELECTORAL VOTE PURPOSES, I FORTHWITH, HERETOFORE, HITHERTO,

  • AND TWO-BY-FOUR, CALL THE LAST CHOCOLATE DONUT.

  • MY LAWYERS ARE COMING IN TO LICK IT."

  • SPEAKING OF LAWYERS WHO CAN LICK IT, YESTERDAY, TRUMP SENT A

  • SPECIAL-OPS TEAM TO PHILADELPHIA: SECOND FIRST SON

  • AND MAN GETTING DUMPED OVER ZOOM, ERIC TRUMP, AND ATTORNEY

  • TO THE PRESIDENT AND MAN ASKING A RAT IF IT'S GOING TO FINISH

  • THAT COCKROACH, RUDY GIULIANI.

  • AND ERIC REVEALED THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN'S MASTER PLAN:

  • >> WE ARE GOING TO FILE SUIT IN PENNSYLVANIA.

  • IT'S A SHAME HAVE TO DO THAT.

  • IT'S THE LAST THING THAT WE WANTED TO DO, IT'S THE LAS

  • THING MY FATHER WANTED TO TO.

  • >> STEPHEN: TECHNICALLY, THE LAST THING YOUR FATHER WANTED DO

  • IS GO TO YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY.

  • BUT IF THIS WAS THE LAST THING HE WANTED TO DO, WHY WAS IT THE

  • FIRST THING HE SAID?

  • >> WE'RE GOING TO GO IN THE NIGHT OF, AS SOON AS THAT

  • ELECTION'S OVER, WE'RE GOING IN WITH OUR LAWYERS.

  • >> STEPHEN: AND SINCE YOUR LAWYER IS RUDY, I ASSUME BY

  • "GOING IN," YOU MEAN PRISON.

  • THEN, RUDY GOT TESTY.

  • >> THE ULTIMATE RESULT IS, PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS WON

  • PENNSYLVANIA.

  • I'VE NEVER HEARD OF A COUNT WHERE YOU'RE HEADED BY 400,000

  • WITH 80%-PLUS COUNTED AND THEY HAVEN'T CALLED IT FOR YOU YET.

  • DO YOU THINK WE'RE STUPID?

  • DO YOU THINK WE ARE FOOLS?

  • p>> STEPHEN: IS THAT A TRICK QUESTION?

  • BEAUSE...

  • YES?

  • YOU BUTT-DIALED REPORTERS, TWICE!

  • YOU VOLUNTARILY APPEARED ON A TELEVISION SHOW THAT I EXECUTIVE

  • PRODUCE THAT IS ANCHORED BY CARTOONS.

  • TWICE!

  • YOU WERE DUPED BY SACHA BARON COHEN, ONCE!

  • I THINK, BECAUSE JUDGING BY YOUR LOWER TEETH, YOUR DENTIST

  • TRAINED IN KAZAKHSTAN, AS A VETERINARIAN.

  • TRUMP NEEDS HELP ANYWHERE HE CAN GET IT, INCLUDING DIVINE

  • INTERVENTION.

  • AND HE HAS THE SUPPORT OF HIS "SPIRITUAL ADVISER" AND REAL

  • ESTATE AGENT SAYING, "BEFORE WE GO UPSTAIRS, YOU SHOULD KNOW

  • THAT THE PREVIOUS OWNER HAD A JUST A LITTLE MURDER PROBLEM.

  • WATCH WHERE YOU STEP," PAULA WHITE.

  • TO SUPPORT THE PRESIDENT, YESTERDAY, PAULA LED A MARATHON

  • PRAYER SERVICE IN ORLANDO, AND SHE WAS FEELING THE SPIRIT.

  • >> STRIKE AND STRIKE AND STRIKE AND STRIKE AND STRIKE AND STRIKE

  • AND STRIKE AND STRIKE AND STRIKE AND STRIKE UNTIL YOU HAVE