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  • -Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show" here...

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ...Studio 6A in New York City.

  • Thank you, Roots. Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, as of this afternoon,

  • some states are still counting their votes,

  • but the numbers are looking good for Joe Biden.

  • Yep, it seems like America --

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Seems like America is just about ready

  • to socially distance from President Trump.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Yep, as more votes came in today,

  • the coronavirus put on its hat and coat

  • and thought, "Well, it's been a good run.

  • Good day to you all." [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, as of now, it's looking like

  • the GOP strategy of "Hope no one notices the global pandemic"

  • didn't turn out so well. [ Laughter ]

  • At this very moment, Biden is smiling from ear to ear.

  • At least I think he is. It's hard to tell

  • since he's wearing a mask!

  • You should wear a --

  • You could tell Biden's feeling good, though.

  • He spent most of the day

  • putting the finishing screw-ups on his acceptance speech.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Later, Biden was seen swigging Ocean Spray

  • while hanging off the back of an Amtrak train.

  • Thunder only happens when it's raining

  • ♪♪

  • Was he drinking while singing? I don't know what he --

  • Well, he's going so fast that there's no liquid --

  • -Right, exactly. -It's a lot of space work,

  • but trust me, it makes sense.

  • Here's how confident Biden is feeling.

  • He just called Trump to say,

  • "Hey, that crap about Hunter's laptop?

  • All true. Bye!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • What you gonna do?

  • Yeah, the only people happier than Biden's staff is Trump's.

  • "Oh, my God. It's almost over. Thank goodness.

  • Gosh, that was a long four years."

  • I'm not saying Trump is in trouble,

  • but he was just sent straight to voicemail by the MyPillow guy.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But this is nice -- Trump's inner circle

  • is trying to cheer him up.

  • They're like, "Yes, you may be losing the White House,

  • but on the bright side, you can now focus

  • on that cool billion you owe."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, Eric Trump was like, "If Biden is president,

  • does that mean he's my new dad?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, nothing is definite,

  • but the outcome feels pretty inevitable right now.

  • Vladimir Putin is like, "Oh, well.

  • You rig some, you lose some."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You rig some, you lose some. Trending on Twitter right now.

  • That's right, things are looking pretty good for Biden,

  • but we're still waiting for a final call,

  • 'cause a few swing states are still counting final votes.

  • Seriously, this is getting crazy.

  • It's like we're living through that dramatic pause

  • before they give out a rose on "The Bachelorette,"

  • but for two full days.

  • You're like, "Okay --

  • [ Breathing heavily ]

  • Okay-y-y-y. [ Drum roll ]

  • [ Drum roll stops ]

  • Ah... [ Drum roll ]

  • Will you accept -- Eh..."

  • At this point, Americans are like, "Let's go.

  • We've got no things to do, and no people to see."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I heard Zog's laugh at it. That's --

  • [ Laughter ] But this is interesting.

  • I heard that each ballot is processed by two volunteers,

  • one Democrat and one Republican.

  • And if they fall in love,

  • they star in a Hallmark movie called "Count on Love."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Imagine being a ballot counter, though.

  • You're stuck inside a room full of people

  • during a global pandemic, paper cuts all over your hands,

  • and the rest of the country is like,

  • "What the hell is taking so long?!

  • I don't hear any counting in there, Gretchen."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Gretchen.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It would be a Gretchen. -It feels like it, right?

  • You can tell Trump's starting to panic about the results,

  • 'cause this morning, he tweeted, "STOP THE COUNT!"

  • In response, The Count from "Sesame Street" tweeted,

  • "You've lost ONE, TWO, THREE swing states!

  • AH AH AH"

  • ♪♪

  • Then a little later in the day,

  • Trump also tweeted, "STOP THE FRAUD!"

  • Yeah, "STOP THE COUNT!" then "STOP THE FRAUD!"

  • Soon he's going to tell us to stop, collaborate, and listen.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ♪♪

  • What -- I was trying to do his dance move,

  • but does he have a --

  • Oh, yeah, it was. It was a lot of --

  • -A lot of --

  • -A lot of, like, chain flying?

  • ♪♪

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -It's not skipping rope.

  • -I'm skipping rope, but still, it's --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Wait, do it again. Do it again. Do it again.

  • ♪♪

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I'm double dutching. I'm double dutching.

  • I don't know what I'm doing. Sorry, Vanilla.

  • Sorry.

  • But he's not just tweeting.

  • Trump's campaign started taking legal action yesterday.

  • Check it out.

  • -Legal challenges are already under way.

  • The Trump campaign has filed lawsuits in Pennsylvania,

  • Michigan, and Georgia, and the campaign is pursuing

  • a recount of the vote in Wisconsin.

  • -You know you're in trouble when your master plan

  • starts with, "Get me Rudy Giuliani on the phone."

  • [ Laughter ] Yeah, as we speak,

  • Trump is assembling a dream team of lawyers

  • who all claim they were tucking in their shirts.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Of course --

  • Of course he's suing. I get the feeling

  • when Trump didn't get the Christmas gift he wanted

  • as a kid, he was like, "Better lawyer up, Nana.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Better lawyer up, Nana."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trending on Twitter. That's a good one.

  • "Better lawyer up, Nana."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, I read that Trump is upset

  • that Fox News called Arizona for Biden on election night.

  • And yesterday, Trump's supporters came to his defense.

  • Listen to this.

  • -[ Chanting ] Fox News sucks! -[ Chanting ] Fox News sucks!

  • -And they're actually chanting "Fox News sucks.

  • Fox News sucks."

  • -Yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • Trump's supporters were like,

  • "We only trust one real news outlet -- Facebook memes."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You can tell everyone is on edge.

  • Sean Hannity just had an unscaleable wall built

  • around his studio.

  • ♪♪

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • It's "DeShay"?

  • DeShay revolves it? -Yep.

  • -It's DeShay, right?

  • Yeah.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That was a really loud "Yep" from Mark.

  • -How'd he -- Yeah, how'd he know that?

  • -The rest of The Roots just looked at me.

  • Mark goes, "Yep. That's right, it's DeShay."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Wow.

  • "Check out the hook while DeShay revolves it."

  • -Oh, my God.

  • -Yo, I never -- I thought he said "deejay."

  • -Nah.

  • -I thought it was, "Check out the hook while my deejay re--"

  • But, yeah. -No, you'd think that.

  • -Yeah, one would think. -One would.

  • -Yeah. -And one wouldn't, you know?

  • -Yep, yep.

  • You rig some, you lose some.

  • [ Laughter, applause ]

  • -That's right.

  • "Better lawyer up, Nana."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Oh, and here's something you don't hear every day.

  • A man was banned from Yellowstone National Park

  • for trying to fry chickens in the hot spring.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You see, these are the stories we can focus on

  • during a Biden presidency.

  • Not Trump. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Fried chickens in the hot --

  • I'm too lazy to microwave a Lean Cuisine.

  • This guy goes to Wyoming to cook a 12-piece.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Here's a big business story --

  • The owner of Arby's and Buffalo Wild Wings

  • is buying Dunkin' Donuts and Baskin-Robbins.

  • Wow, they now have a monopoly on clogged arteries.

  • Here's the plan -- Dunkin' for breakfast, Arby's for lunch,

  • Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner, Baskin-Robbins for dessert,

  • then you drop your kids back off at their mother's house.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I'm dating again, Susan."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, a car in Wisconsin was just pulled over

  • for a pretty interesting reason. Watch this.

  • -The state trooper had pulled over a driver

  • who thought it was a good idea

  • to strap a snowmobile to the top of his car.

  • The 23-year-old driver explained that it, "looked sketchy,"

  • but said that he strapped it down

  • and he shook it to make sure it was secure.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -In his defense, that's how

  • every New Yorker installs an air conditioner. Yeah.

-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show" here...

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Trump Supporters Upset About Fox News Calling Arizona for Biden | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/06
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