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♪ >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, LADIES
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AND GENTLEMEN, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
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FRAMING THE MOST INFORMATIVE PANORAMIC SHOTS, AWAITING THE
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TOPICAL GOLDEN HOUR TO CAPTURE THE MOST BREATHTAKING STORY
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VISTAS, AND ASSEMBLING IT ALL INTO THE DAVID
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ATTENBOROUGH-NARRATED NEWS DOCUMENTARY THAT IS MY
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MONOLOGUE.
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BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I GRAB AN OLD CAMCORDER, A SIX-PACK OF
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NATTY ICE, AND RUN AROUND THE WOODS HALF-NAKED AND HAMMERED TO
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CREATE THE BLURRY, FOUND-FOOTAGE SASQUATCH VIDEO OF NEWS THAT IS
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MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
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QUARANTINE-WHILE, ANOTHER RESTAURANT QUHAIN HAS CLOSED,
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FRIENDLIES.
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QUARANTINE WHILE, DISNEY RESEARCH JUST UNVEILED A
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SKINLESS HUMANOID ROBOT WITH CREEPY LIFE LIKE EYES.
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JIMMY, CAN WE SEE IT?
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OH, GOD!
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I'M SORRY, THAT'S THE NEW C.E.O.
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OF DISNEY.
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BOB CHAYPEK.
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CAN WE LOOK FOR THE ROBOT PHOTO?
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WHILE WE'RE WAITING, DISNEY ENGINEERS SAY THEY'RE WORKING
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TOWARD "THE DEVELOPMENT OF A SYSTEM FOR LIFELIKE GAZE,"
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BECAUSE "PEOPLE WHO MAKE MORE EYE CONTACT WITH US ARE
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PERCEIVED TO BE SIMILAR TO US, AS WELL AS MORE INTELLIGENT,
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CONSCIENTIOUS, SINCERE, AND TRUSTWORTHY."
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ALL RIGHT, DO WE HAVE IT?
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GREAT.
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LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS ROBOT IN ACTION.
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OH, YEAH.
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YEAH.
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YEAH, UH-HUH.
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I'M REALLY GETTING "SIMILAR TO ME" AND "TRUSTWORTHY" VIBES.
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I'M SURE IF WE WERE ON A MARS MISSION TOGETHER, I'D TRUST THIS
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THING TO BITE OUT MY THROAT AND SHOVE MY CORPSE OUT THE AIRLOCK.
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"NO, I DON'T KNOW WHERE COMMANDER COLBERT IS.
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WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME?
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I'M JUST A SINCERE, TRUSTWORTHY ROBOT WHO IS SIMILAR TO YOU.
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COME, LET'S LOOK IN THE AIRLOCK."
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( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, BRITISH
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HIGH-END STORE MARKS AND SPENSER HAS CREATED THIS SPECIALTY
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PASTRY FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
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WHICH IS GREAT.
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WHAT'S NOT SO GREAT?
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THEY ANNOUNCED IT BY TWEETING "WHO WANTS A BITE OF SANTA'S
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YUMNUT?" THAT EXACT PHRASE HAS GOTTEN
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MANY PEOPLE FIRED AT THEIR OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY.
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WOULD YOU CARE FOR A BITE OF SANTA'S YUMNUT, DARLING?
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WHAT?
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SHE'S MY WIFE.
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>> IT'S STILL IN THE WORKPLACE.
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>> Stephen: MY APOLOGIES.
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I'M SORRY.
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I'LL SEE YOU AT THE FORCED REEDUCATION CAMP.
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I ALSO LIKE THAT THEY WERE SO CONCERNED ABOUT SOMEONE STEALING
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THE NAME "YUMNUT" THAT THEY TRADEMARKED IT.
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(HIGH CLASS BRIT) "QUICK, NIGEL!
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SECURE 'YUMNUT' FROM THEFT!
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ALSO, LOCK DOWN 'GOBBY HOLE,' 'JAMMY NIPS,' AND 'BUM CRUMPET.'
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THERE'S A GOOD LAD."
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LEGALLY, EVERYONE IN ENGLAND IS NAMED NIGEL IN COMEDY BITS.
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YES, NIGEL!
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QUARANTINE-WHILE, A BRITISH WILL LOOK DIFFERENTLY THIS YEAR
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BECAUSE THERE'S NO SITTING ON SANTA'S LAP AND A CLEAR SHIELD
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BARRIER BETWEEN SANTA AND FAMILIES.
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SORRY YOU COULDN'T HUG SANTA.
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IT'S NOT SAFE.
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SLEEP AND WAIT FOR HIM TO BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE AND IF YOU'RE
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VERY GOOD YOU CAN HAVE A BITE OF HIS YUMNUT.
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WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE
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ELECTION.
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STICK AROUND.
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♪ ♪