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  • -Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone.

  • I'm Jimmy Fallon, anchoring hour 30

  • of NBC's election-night coverage.

  • Come on. It's 2020.

  • Did you really think last night would end up wrapped up

  • with a neat little bow?

  • Seriously, today, it felt like waking up with a hangover,

  • then realizing you're still at the bar.

  • "What time is it?"

  • What a long, emotional, and confusing ride this has been.

  • It's like a Matthew McConaughey car commercial that won't end.

  • Meanwhile, you think you're stressed.

  • Imagine how President Trump feels.

  • In two months, he's either getting

  • inaugurated or incarcerated.

  • It was a crazy night.

  • Here's what most people heard

  • right before they went to bed.

  • -Too close to call.

  • -Too close to call. -Too close to call.

  • -Too close to call. -Too close to call.

  • -Yeah, the one thing we know for sure is, no more polls.

  • That's it. Done, okay? No more polls, alright?

  • From now on, the only time Americans want to hear

  • about a poll is if they're talking about Santa

  • or strippers.

  • ♪♪

  • Yep, today, pollsters saw a different blue wave

  • right as they were slowly walking into the ocean.

  • At this point, I'd rather hear predictions from

  • the guy trying to guess my weight at a carnival.

  • Pollsters were basically us when we really think

  • we've nailed a parallel park but then get out of the car

  • and see we're about 14 feet from the curb.

  • It's like, "Honey, look out.

  • You don't want to scrape the bottom of the do--

  • Oh, actually, well, we could fit a Le Car

  • between where we parked and where the..."

  • -Le Car. [ Laughter ]

  • I knew you'd laugh at "Le Car."

  • From now on, when you release a poll,

  • just say both candidates are tied

  • with a margin of error of 100.

  • As we speak, some states are still tallying the votes.

  • Somehow, Chuck E. Cheese can count a million tickets

  • on the spot, and we still can't count the votes in three days?

  • I can't take the suspense anymore.

  • My stress eating has gone from brownies to ice cream

  • to just pouring raw cake mix down my throat.

  • Yep, the race is still too close to call.

  • Apparently, a lot of voters looked at

  • 90,000 COVID cases a day and thought,

  • "Sure, I can do four more years of this."

  • Experts still can't believe the race is this tight.

  • Apparently, people were voting based on which candidate

  • they want to drink bleach with.

  • But one of the big stars of the election night

  • was America's sweetheart

  • and MSNBC political correspondent Steve Kornacki,

  • who is on our show this evening.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Guy was working the touch-screen map like a magician.

  • All night long, he was shown on the "Kornacki Cam."

  • You see that?

  • MSNBC basically treated him like

  • a panda that was about to give birth.

  • Last night was incredibly tense,

  • and you could tell the newscasters were feeling it.

  • Even CNN's graphics guy, who does the banner

  • at the bottom of the screen, was stressed out.

  • Take a look at this.

  • -And when Florida's close, it comes down to the I-4 corridor.

  • -But a tremendous amount of Democratic vote

  • are still outstanding at...

  • -You know, that's nearly 30 points there -- 28 points.

  • -That puts him at 17,000, 18,000 votes.

  • -With this wild and different 2020,

  • mail-in voting, in-person early voting.

  • If he saw this and, say, it's past midnight...

  • The question is,

  • is that just the early votes or are there votes?

  • Wayne County...

  • -And they are going to count ballots

  • that come in postmarked by Election Day.

  • -It was no longer off the map,

  • like they thought it was after 2016.

  • -And, so, what I'm trying to do is

  • identify where, specifically, in this county...

  • -He's moving to Belgium.

  • He's moving to Belgium.

  • Well, very early this morning, Biden spoke to a drive-in crowd

  • in Wilmington, Delaware, and he told us that we need patience.

  • But I'm not sure it's one of America's strengths.

  • I mean, if a TikTok video isn't fun in the first 3 seconds,

  • we're like, "Ah, next."

  • Yeah, we just have to be patient in a country

  • that literally invented a Domino's tracker

  • so we know exactly when our pizza will arrive.

  • Like, "It's in the oven, honey! It's in the oven!

  • He's almost here! He's almost here!

  • Honey, wave to him. Make sure he knows it's us."

  • But this is very interesting.

  • Joe Biden actually got more votes

  • than any other candidate in history.

  • -Wow.

  • -Yeah.

  • So, once again, how is this even close?

  • Meanwhile, Trump spoke from The White House

  • early this morning, and he seemed upset

  • that the results weren't immediately called in his favor.

  • Watch this.

  • -We were getting ready for a big celebration.

  • -Oh, yeah. -Yeah.

  • -We were winning everything.

  • And, all of a sudden, it was just called off.

  • Literally, we were just all set to get outside

  • and just celebrate something that was so beautiful, so good.

  • -Aww. That's too bad.

  • I'd hate for the election to get in the way of a good party.

  • Yeah, Trump also lashed out at the voting process

  • and made a pretty bold claim.

  • Take a look at this.

  • -This is a fraud on the American public.

  • This is an embarrassment to our country.

  • We were getting ready to win this election.

  • Frankly, we did win this election.

  • -Yeah. If you're keeping track, in the same speech,

  • Trump claimed the election was a fraud and an embarrassment

  • and then declared victory.

  • I don't think we should correct Trump.

  • Just nod along, put him in a fake White House,

  • and let him spend the next four years

  • thinking he's in charge.

  • Who cares, right?

  • Well, as you can might expect, Trump has been

  • tweeting a lot today, and you could tell he's getting worried,

  • because one of his posts said...

  • Dude, they're not finding votes.

  • They're counting them.

  • Because no one wanted to leave the house

  • because there's a pandemic!

  • Gosh!

  • Trump's getting close to being like,

  • "Okay, forget about the votes.

  • Let's measure this thing in retweets."

  • Oh, and before we go any further,

  • here's some extremely important election news.

  • -Voters in New Jersey have passed

  • a constitutional amendment

  • legalizing recreational marijuana.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -That's right -- weed is legal in New Jersey.

  • You just know there's already guy walking around

  • in a tie-dye track suit.

  • He's like, "Excuse me.

  • You guys like, uh...

  • You guys like Phish?

  • You like the Phish?

  • Like the Phish.

  • May wake up with a fish in your bed. A fish."

  • ♪♪

  • Listen, when you're home to the Jets and Giants,

  • you got to make drugs legal.

  • Now that weed is legal, New Yorkers

  • driving into New Jersey are gonna go from

  • rolling their windows up to rolling them down.

  • It's like, "Ahh!"

  • And this makes sense.

  • Once Jersey legalized weed, they also voted to put a Wawa

  • on their state flag.

  • So far, legalized weed has been a little rough.

  • Every time the mob buries a snitch, they forget where.

  • But if you think legal weed is a big deal,

  • just listen to what Oregon did.

  • -Oregon voters passing measure to decriminalize

  • small amounts of cocaine, heroin, and other drugs.

  • -I'm sorry.

  • I'm sorry. A small amount of heroin?

  • Who is only doing a small amount --

  • Show of hands -- does anyone know someone

  • who casually does heroin?

  • Just a little bit?

  • "I just do it on the weekends.

  • Yeah, I do it sometimes when I drink."

  • I do heroin -- a little bit."

  • And, finally, earlier today,

  • Gap tried to send a message of unity over Twitter

  • by posting a short video of a red-and-blue hoodie

  • with the caption...

  • Kind of weird, right?

  • Trying to bring the country together

  • when your name is The Gap.

-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone.

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Trump Calls 2020 Election a "Fraud" Without Proof | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/05
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