Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • >> Stephen: WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • IT IS 11:35 EAST COAST TIME, AND CBS IS READY TO PROJECT THAT I

  • AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • THOUGH THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE DONALD TRUMP IS GOING TO

  • CHALLENGE THAT IN COURT.

  • AND 24 HOURS LATER, WE STILL DON'T KNOW THE WINNER OF THE

  • PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

  • >> I WIN!

  • I WIN!

  • I WIN!

  • >> Stephen: GET OUT OF HERE!

  • GO!

  • MORE ON THAT LATER.

  • AS YOU CAN SEE, I AM STILL ON THE ELECTION SET, BECAUSE THE

  • ELECTION'S STILL GOING ON.

  • AS WE KNEW IT WOULD.

  • WE PLANNED TO KEEP THIS SET UP FOR DAYS, BECAUSE, COVID.

  • IT'S GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO COUNT ALL THE VOTES!

  • AND IT'S ALL COMING DOWN TO A FEW STATES WHERE THEY'RE STILL

  • COUNTING VOTES IN NORTH CAROLINA, GEORGIA, NEVADA, AND

  • PENNSYLVANIA-- A HYBRID MIX OF THE SUN BELT AND THE RUST BELT

  • THAT I'M CALLING THE "DOES ANYONE HAVE A XANAX BELT."

  • BUT THERE IS SOME BIG NEWS.

  • TODAY, WE GOT A CALL ON ONE OF THE SWING STATES, WISCONSIN, A

  • STATE TRUMP BEAT HILLARY CLINTON IN BY A MERE 22,000

  • VOTES BACK IN 2016.

  • OH, MY, HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED, BECAUSE WE CAN NOW CONFIRM, JOE

  • BIDEN HAS WON WISCONSIN.

  • WOOOO!

  • THE CHEESEHEADS ARE NOW OFFICIALLY BLUE-CHEESEHEADS.

  • SO THEY SMELL WEIRD BUT TASTE GREAT CRUMBLED ON A SALAD,

  • MAYBE WITH A POACHED PEAR, A LITTLE CANDIED WALNUT.

  • BASED ON THE CURRENT COUNT, BIDEN IS AHEAD BY OVER 20,000

  • VOTES, OR ONE WYOMING.

  • THAT'S REALLY GOT TO STING, BECAUSE TRUMP HAS CONTINUED TO

  • MAKE SUCH A DEAL ABOUT WINNING WISCONSIN BACK IN 2016.

  • >> REMEMBER WHEN THEY SAY, "DONALD TRUMP HAS WON THE STATE

  • OF WISCONSIN"?

  • WAS THAT A GREAT EVENING, OR WHAT?

  • "DONALD TRUMP HAS WON THE STATE OF WISCONSIN."

  • OUT OF THE BLUE COMES "DONALD TRUMP HAS WON THE STATE OF

  • WISCONSIN."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) REMEMBER THAT?

  • THEY SAID, "DONALD TRUMP HAS WON THE STATE OF WISCONSIN."

  • THAT WAS A VERY PRETTY SOUND.

  • AND THAT WAS IT.

  • THAT WAS IT.

  • YOU WERE THE ONE.

  • YOU GOT US OVER THE TOP.

  • YOU BETTER DO IT AGAIN.

  • >> Stephen: AND, JUST LIKE THAT WISCONSIN IS GONE, JUST LIKE A

  • CANDLE IN THE WIND, OR A CHICKEN NUGGET, IN YOUR GENERAL

  • VICINITY.

  • TRUMP PUT A LOT OF EFFORT INTO THIS STATE.

  • BACK IN OCTOBER, HE APPEARED AT A RALLY IN GREEN BAY WITH

  • QUARTERBACK BRETT FAVRE.

  • SADLY, IT WASN'T THE FIRST TIME FAVRE HAD LET FANS DOWN BY BEING

  • CAUGHT ON CAMERA WITH HIS DICTATOR OUT.

  • YOU CAN GOOGLE IT, BUT I WOULDN'T.

  • TRUMP'S MISHANDLING OF THE VIRUS MAY HAVE PLAYED A LARGE PART IN

  • BIDEN'S WIN, BECAUSE RECENTLY, WISCONSIN HAS BECOME A COVID-19

  • HOTSPOT.

  • BUT WITH THIS WIN, DEMOCRATS ACROSS THE COUNTRY CAN BREATHE A

  • LITTLE EASIER-- EXCEPT FOR THE ONES IN WISCONSIN BECAUSE,

  • AGAIN, IT'S A COVID-19 HOTSPOT.

  • AND THEN THIS AFTERNOON, THE GREAT STATE OF MICHIGAN WAS

  • CALLED FOR JOE BIDEN.

  • NOW, IF YOU THINK ABOUT MICHIGAN AS A HAND, BIDEN TOOK AWAY VOTES

  • FROM TRUMP IN THESE AREAS, OKAY.

  • AND FINALLY-- WHAT?

  • HUH?

  • LET'S SAY HE FLIPPED THE STATE.

  • WITH THINGS TRENDING IN HIS FAVOR, JOE BIDEN CAME OUT THIS

  • AFTERNOON AND WAS A GROWNUP: >> EVERY VOTE MUST BE COUNTED.

  • NO ONE IS GOING TO TAKE OUR DEMOCRACY AWAY FROM US, NOT NOW,

  • NOT EVER.

  • AMERICA HAS COME TOO FAR.

  • AMERICA HAS FOUGHT TOO MANY BATTLES.

  • AMERICA HAS ENDURED TOO MUCH TO EVER LET THAT HAPPEN.

  • WE, THE PEOPLE, WILL NOT BE SILENCED.

  • WE, THE PEOPLE, WILL NOT BE BULLIED.

  • WE, THE PEOPLE, WILL NOT SURRENDER.

  • >> Stephen: YES!

  • WE, THE PEOPLE, WILL NOT SURRENDER!

  • WE, THE PEOPLE, WILL JUST DOOM-SCROLL ON TWITTER UNTIL WE

  • FREAK OUT AND STRESS EAT ALL OUR KIDS' HALLOWEEN CANDY!

  • I KNOW THERE'S MORE THREE MUSKETEERS, JOHN!

  • AFTER ALL THAT GOOD NEWS FOR BIDEN, IN A MOVE THAT JUST REEKS

  • OF DESPERATION AND CHEAP COLOGNE, WITH A MILLION VOTES

  • STILL UNCOUNTED, TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER CAME OUT OF THE

  • BLUE TO ANNOUNCE, "WE ARE DECLARING A VICTORY IN

  • PENNSYLVANIA."

  • BOLD!

  • AND I FULLY EXPECT HIS VICTORY IN PENNSYLVANIA TO BE JUST AS

  • SUCCESSFUL AS HIS VICTORY OVER CORONAVIRUS.

  • GOSH, I HOPE HIS ANNOUNCEMENT DOESN'T OVERSHADOW ME DECLARING

  • MYSELF "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I SENSED A POWER VACUUM.

  • IN THE SEXY SPHERE.

  • I'M COMING FOR YOU, McCONAUGHEY.

  • ONE REASON FOR THE DELAY IN THE OTHER STATES IS THE MASSIVE

  • AMOUNTS OF MAIL-IN BALLOTS.

  • AND THOSE LAST BALLOTS TO BE COUNTED APPEAR TO BE LARGELY FOR

  • BIDEN.

  • EARLY ON, THINGS HAD LOOKED PRETTY GOOD FOR TRUMP.

  • WE HAD BEEN WARNED THIS WOULD HAPPEN, IN WHAT EXPERTS CALLED A

  • "RED MIRAGE"-- WHICH IS EITHER THE CHARACTER ELIZABETH OLSEN

  • PLAYS IN THE MARVEL MOVIES, OR PUTIN'S CODE NAME FOR TRUMP.

  • NOW, I KNOW IT'S HARD TO WAIT FOR NEVADA AND PENNSYLVANIA

  • RESULTS, BUT JUST 24 HOURS OF WAITING HAS GIVEN BIDEN ARIZONA

  • AND WISCONSIN.

  • AND MICHIGAN.

  • SO, I'VE JUST GOT ONE BIT OF ADVICE:

  • >> JUST PLAY IT COOL, BOY.

  • >> WHAT'S FONZIE LIKE?

  • >> COOL.

  • >> WHAT?

  • >> COOL.

  • >> CORRECTOMUNDO.

  • >>ATTEMPT TO BE COOL.

  • >> ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE, CHILL.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S BIPARTISAN ADVICE.

  • THAT LAST GUY'S A REPUBLICAN.

  • THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

  • IF COVID HAS TAUGHT US NOTHING, IT'S THAT PATIENCE IS VALUABLE.

  • REMEMBER WHEN THE PANDEMIC STARTED, A TRIP TO THE GROCERY

  • STORE WOULD LAST EIGHT HOURS BECAUSE YOU HAD TO WIPE DOWN

  • EVERY SINGLE GRAPE BEFORE YOU PUT THEM IN THE REFRIGERATOR?

  • THIS IS THE SAME THING.

  • WE'RE WIPING DOWN EVERY SINGLE BALLOT BEFORE WE PUT THEM IN

  • AMERICA'S FRIDGE.

  • AND, HOPEFULLY, WHILE WE'RE AT IT, WE'LL END UP THROWING OUT

  • THAT SPOILED HAM WE BOUGHT FOUR YEARS AGO.

  • SO WAITING IS CLEARLY THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

  • OF COURSE, ONE PERSON WHO ALWAYS FAILS THE MARSHMALLOW TEST IS

  • DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE LAST NIGHT AT 12:45 A.M., WITH MILLIONS OF

  • BALLOTS UNCOUNTED AND BIDEN AHEAD IN THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE

  • AND THE POPULAR VOTE, TRUMP TWEETED, "WE ARE WINNING BIG,

  • BUT THEY ARE TRYING TO STEAL THE ELECTION.

  • WE WILL NEVER LET THEM DO IT.

  • VOTES CANNOT BE CAST AFTER THE POLES ARE CLOSED!"

  • FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE LITERALLY NOT WINNING.

  • SECOND, I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU MEAN THAT SPELLING OF POLES.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "I HATE IT WHEN THE POLES CLOSE.

  • ALL THE DANCERS LEAVE THE STAGE, AND YOU'RE LEFT ALONE, TOTALLY

  • BROKE, COVERED IN GLITTER AND SPITTLE.

  • GOD, I MISS THOSE GIRLS, ESPECIALLY MY FAVORITE STRIPPER

  • OF THEM ALL: RED MIRAGE!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • SO, THAT'S NOT GOOD.

  • BUT, YOU KNOW, TWEET SCHMEET.

  • IT'S NOT LIKE RIGHT AFTER MIDNIGHT HE MARCHED INTO THE

  • EAST ROOM AND DECLARED VICTORY AND SAID "STOP COUNTING."

  • HE WAITED UNTIL 2:00 A.M. FOR THAT.

  • >> WE WERE GETTING READY TO WIN THIS ELECTION.

  • FRANKLY, WE DID WIN THIS ELECTION.

  • >> Stephen: THERE IT IS: A POWER GRAB BY A TERRIFIED

  • STRONGMAN IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT.

  • CLASSIC.

  • IF THERE'S ANYTHING 2:00 A.M. IS KNOWN FOR, IT'S DESPERATE MOVES

  • BY SAD LITTLE MEN WHO ARE AFRAID TO GO HOME FEELING LIKE A LOSER.

  • NOW, THE MINUTE HE OPENED WHAT I LEGALLY HAVE TO CALL HIS MOUTH,

  • EVERYONE KNEW THIS BEHAVIOR WAS WRONG AND UN-AMERICAN.

  • AND NOT JUST DEMOCRATS.

  • TRUMP WAS CONDEMNED BY FOLKS LIKE CHRIS WALLACE, RICK

  • SANTORUM, AND CHRIS CHRISTIE.

  • THESE PEOPLE ARE HARDLY LIBERALS.

  • FOR PETE'S SAKE, CHRIS CHRISTIE HAS STOOD BY YOU THROUGH THICK

  • AND THIN.

  • IN FACT, HE STOOD SO CLOSE BY YOU THAT YOU NEARLY KILLED HIM

  • WITH COVID!

  • THEN, OL' TATER DICK PUT THE "DICK" IN "TATOR," WHEN HE

  • THREATENED TO END THE VOTE COUNT.

  • >> SO WE WILL BE GOING TO THE U.S. SUPREME COURT.

  • WE WANT ALL VOTING TO STOP.

  • WE DON'T WANT THEM TO FIND ANY BALLOTS AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING

  • AND ADD THEM TO THE LIST, OKAY?

  • ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, I

  • DON'T KNOW WHY I NEED TO SAY THIS TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE

  • UNITED STATES, BUT THEY'RE NOT FINDING THEM.

  • THEY'RE COUNTING THEM.

  • IF YOU RECITE THE NUMBERS ONE THROUGH TEN, YOU DON'T FIND THE

  • NUMBER SEVEN!

  • YOU COUNT TO IT, PASS IT, THEN KEEP COUNTING, AND REALIZE THAT

  • OH, YEAH, BIDEN CLEARLY WON WISCONSIN.

  • PLUS, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES CAN'T ASK FOR

  • VOTING TO STOP.

  • HE'S ONLY THE PRESIDENT BECAUSE OF VOTING.

  • VOTING IS AMERICA'S WHOLE THING.

  • THAT'S LIKE ARBY'S CHANGING THEIR SLOGAN TO "WE MUST STOP

  • THE MEATS!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • THEY REALLY-- THEY REALLY MUST, BY THE WAY.

  • THERE ARE LIMITS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THERE ARE LIMITS TO EVEN

  • AMERICA'S MEAT NEEDS.

  • I BEG YOU, ARBIES.

  • DON'T MAKE US TAKE YOU UP BEFORE THE HAGUE.

  • AFTER GOING FULL FRONTAL FASCIST, TRUMP WENT FULL WHINY

  • BABY.

  • >> WE WERE GETTING READY FOR A BIG CELEBRATION.

  • WE WERE WINNING EVERYTHING, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT WAS JUST

  • CALLED OFF.

  • LITERALLY, WE WERE JUST ALL SET TO GET OUTSIDE AND JUST

  • CELEBRATE SOMETHING THAT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL, SO GOOD.

  • >> Stephen: SO BEAUTIFUL, SO GOOD?

  • WELL, YOU WERE CELEBRATING THE OTTERS WHO HOLD HANDS WHILE THEY

  • SLEEP?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE I'D VOTE FOR THAT.

  • YOU MIGHT THINK ALL THAT WAS JUST THE ACT OF A TWEAKED-OUT

  • MANIAC COMING OFF HIS DEXY, UNTIL THIS AFTERNOON, WHEN HE

  • PUT HIS MUSSOLINI WHERE HIS MOUTH IS, AND HIS CAMPAIGN SAID

  • IT WOULD SUE TO STOP MICHIGAN AND PENNSYLVANIA'S BALLOT

  • COUNTS.

  • SO IF YOU'RE KEEPING TRACK, TRUMP IS NOW TRYING TO OBSTRUCT

  • THE COUNT IN...

  • I'M SORRY, I'M BEING TOLD THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS SUING TO STOP

  • US COUNTING THE NUMBER OF STATES THEY ARE SUING TO STOP THE COUNT

  • IN.

  • OKAY, AND THAT THIS IS-- I HAVE NOTHING IN MY EAR.

  • THIS IS JUST MY HAND.

  • OKAY.

  • I HAVE SOMETHING HERE, BUT I TOOK IT OUT, BECAUSE CHRIS IS

  • TRYING TO CONTROL ME LUKE A PUPPET.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A LONG STORY BEHIND IT.

  • LET'S EARN IT.

  • BY THE WAY, EVY IS HERE.

  • EVY IS HERE, EVERYBODY.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • THAT'S WHY I'M IN A GOOD MOOD TONIGHT.

  • NO OTHER REASON.

  • HERE'S SOME OTHER RESULTS I CAN TELL YOU.

  • AS USUAL, THE STATE THAT GOT US INTO THIS MESS WAS FLORIDA.

  • EVERY FOUR YEARS, DEMOCRATS HOPE THEY'LL TAKE IT.

  • BUT ONCE AGAIN, LAST NIGHT, FLORIDA WAS CALLED FOR DONALD

  • TRUMP.

  • FLORIDA IS OFICIALLY AMERICA'S CHEATING BOYFRIEND.

  • WHY DO WE ALWAYS THINK WE CAN CHANGE HIM?

  • DEMOCRATS ALSO HAD HIGH HOPES FOR FLIPPING TEXAS, WHICH WOULD

  • HAVE BEEN QUITE A FEAT.

  • TEXAS HASN'T GONE FOR THE DEMOCRAT SINCE JIMMY CARTER BACK

  • IN 1976.

  • AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN REALLY WANT TO VOTE FOR HIM, BUT THEY HAD TO

  • AFTER HE ATE THAT 72-OUNCE STEAK.

  • THAT'S THE RULES.

  • WELL, LAST NIGHT, TEXAS REMAINED TEXAS, BECAUSE IT WAS CALLED FOR

  • DONALD TRUMP.

  • EVEN AFTER HE BUNGLED THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • TEXAS MAY "REMEMBER THE ALAMO" BUT, APPARENTLY, THEY HAVE

  • "FORGOTTEN THE 230,000."

  • WYOMING WAS A BIT OF A SHOCKER FOR ANYBODY WHO HAS NEVER BEEN

  • TO WYOMING.

  • FOR THE REST OF US, WE SAW IT COMING WHEN IT WENT DONALD

  • TRUMP.

  • MAKES SENSE, GIVEN THAT THE STATE SYMBOL IS LITERALLY A MAN

  • WHO HAS TOTALLY LOST CONTROL OF THE SITUATION AND HANGING ON FOR

  • DEAR LIFE.

  • SPEAKING OF BIG ELECTORAL WINS: RHODE ISLAND ISN'T ONE OF THEM.

  • BUT, NEVERTHELESS, VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS WON THE

  • STATE OF RHODE ISLAND, JUST NARROWLY BEATING OUT THE STATE'S