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  • -Welcome, welcome, welcome,

  • welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.

  • We are here. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Studio 6A in New York City. It feels good.

  • Thank you so much for watching. Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, I think it's fair to say that right now

  • America is at a crossroads.

  • It doesn't get much bigger than this.

  • So we begin tonight with our top story.

  • -Get excited because McDonald's is bringing back the McRib.

  • -That's right. [ Laughter and cheers ]

  • Americans were like, "Finally, a glimmer of hope

  • in the barren wasteland that's been 2020."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When he heard about it, Trump dropped out of the race

  • and said, "I'm done.

  • Clearly, I've 'made America great again.'

  • The McRib." [ Laughter ]

  • Somehow you know 2020 will wrap up

  • with the McRib being the cure for COVID.

  • You know that, right? [ Laughter ]

  • In other less exciting news, the election is just four days away.

  • And Trump is busy campaigning, but I saw a new poll

  • that found that nearly 60% of Americans disapprove

  • of Trump holding large rallies during the pandemic.

  • So, not only are the rallies dangerous,

  • they're also unpopular.

  • They're basically the kid in high school

  • who played with the Bunsen burners.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Seriously, if you want to do something dangerous

  • and unpopular, go to your local Blimpie and order the tuna.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, Trump is still holding rallies,

  • including one yesterday in Tampa,

  • but it didn't go quite as planned, watch this.

  • -Just two days after President Trump's rally

  • in Omaha, Nebraska, sent several supporters

  • to the hospital for being too cold,

  • his rally in Tampa, Florida, yesterday sent even more

  • to the hospital for being too hot.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Don't worry, Trump had everyone cool off

  • by blowing in each other's faces.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Actually, Trump said we are only seeing more cases of heatstroke

  • because we have the most testing.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Years from now, Trump supporters will be reminiscing

  • about these rallies like they're old concerts.

  • Like, "Were you at the hypothermia rally?"

  • "Nah, I caught him on the heatstroke leg of the tour."

  • Yeah, it was so hot in Tampa, a fire truck --

  • this is real -- actually sprayed water over the crowd.

  • But Trump didn't seem to know what was happening.

  • Check out what he said.

  • -Look at that. Oh, are they doing that on purpose?

  • [ Crowd cheers ]

  • Are they friend or foe?

  • It felt good. I felt water on my face,

  • I said, where the hell is that coming from from?

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • They may be doing that on purpose.

  • Let's find out if they're friend or foe.

  • And if they are foe, let's take care of those son of a bitches.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Trump's like, "Friend or foe, either way,

  • let's turn this into a wet T-shirt contest.

  • Come on! Those sons of bitches."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, people were packed tightly in unsanitary conditions

  • and hosed down with water.

  • It's good to know his supporters are being treated

  • like circus elephants.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And get this, with long waits at the polls,

  • I heard you can hire someone to stand in line

  • and hold your place.

  • And for an extra $50 on election night,

  • they'll scream into a pillow for you.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You do that for voters, you're patriotic.

  • You do that at Disney, you're dragged through Toontown

  • while they throw turkey legs at you.

  • "Shame! Shame!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You guys, Halloween is tomorrow and everyone has plans,

  • and some notable people in Washington

  • also have something going on.

  • I'll show you what I mean. For example,

  • Mike Pence plans to hand trick-or-treaters

  • his favorite hard candy, ice cubes.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Next up, Donald Trump, Jr., plans to inhale

  • a bunch of Pixy Stix and go rant on Fox News.

  • -The media runs right away. It's Russian disinformation.

  • There's literally zero evidence

  • that it's Russian disinformation.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Steve Mnuchin plans to tell kids for the last time,

  • "I'm not dressed as McLovin."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Rudy Giuliani plans to spend a quiet night at home

  • tucking in his shirt.

  • That's...interesting. [ Laughter ]

  • Wilbur Ross plans to slowly suck on a Werther's Original

  • until he nods off. [ Laughter ]

  • That's kind of cute. Yeah. I'm not sure about this --

  • Joe Biden plans to bore trick-or-treaters

  • with long story about how his friend Ron Caramel

  • invented the candy apple.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally President Trump plans to

  • smile through a window and be a human jack-o'-lantern.

  • Oh, well I hope they all have fun.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] I hope they have a good time,

  • it's Halloween.

  • Well, let's change gears, I heard soon you'll be able

  • to buy a brand new kind of milk. Take a look.

  • -Nestle is coming out with

  • Cinna-toast Crunch-flavored milk, aka "Cinnamilk."

  • The new flavored milk tastes like a epic combination

  • of cinnamon and sugar deliciousness,

  • with hints of toasted cereal in every sip.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • -Cows -- cows heard and were like,

  • "I didn't realize what we did wasn't enough for you."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, here's a weird story,

  • a food writer in Georgia just created a restaurant

  • on her front porch for chipmunks.

  • Take a look.

  • -Yeah. Right now, her kids are like,

  • "Okay, we need to talk about Mom."

-Welcome, welcome, welcome,

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Trump Holds Yet Another Dangerous Rally | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/31
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