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  • >> Stephen: HOLLOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • FOLKS, THE 2020 ELECTION IS ONE WEEK AWAY.

  • MARK YOUR CALENDARS, AND THEN GET A BETTER CALENDAR.

  • IT SHOULD BE ON THERE ALREADY.

  • ON NOVEMBER 3, I WILL HAVE A LIVE ELECTION NIGHT SPECIAL ON

  • SHOWTIME.

  • AND, YES, BECAUSE IT IS PAY CABLE, I'M WILLING TO DO FULL

  • NUDITY AS LONG AS IT IS TASTEFUL, IN KEEPING WITH MY

  • CHARACTER, AND FORWARDS THE PLOT OF THE RESULTS FROM

  • PENNSYLVANIA -- WHICH I HEAR IS GOING TO BE A CLOSE SHAVE, WHICH

  • I WILL ALSO NEED BEFORE THE FULL NUDITY.

  • SO FAR, BIDEN IS AHEAD IN THE POLLS AND IN THE EARLY VOTING.

  • AND, APPARENTLY, THE SECRET TO BIDEN'S LEAD IS THAT PEOPLE FIND

  • HIM LIKABLE.

  • OKAY, SO, PEOPLE LIKE BIDEN BECAUSE HE'S LIKABLE.

  • FASCINATING.

  • THOUGH, TO BE FAIR, ANYONE CAN SEEM LIKABLE NEXT TO DONALD

  • TRUMP.

  • WELL, ALMOST ANYONE.

  • BUT THE BIGGEST NEWS IN THE ELECTION IS THE CORONAVIRUS, AND

  • THINGS ARE ONLY GETTING PLAGUE-IER.

  • AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF:

  • "CATCH A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."

  • >> I'M ROUNDING THE TURN, DUDE!

  • >> Stephen: I JUST KEEP TALKING AND HE STAYS THERE?

  • OKAY.

  • IN THE PAST WEEK-- I WASN'T SURE-- THE U.S. AVERAGED OVER

  • 70,000 NEW CASES A DAY, THE MOST IN ANY SEVEN-DAY STRETCH IN THE

  • PANDEMIC.

  • IT'S ESPECIALLY BAD IN SWING STATES.

  • NEW INFECTIONS ARE RAGING IN WISCONSIN.

  • THINGS ARE SO BAD THAT WISCONSIN IT HAS CHANGED ITS STATE MOTTO

  • FROM "FORWARD" TO "STAY BACK!

  • TRUMP'S PANDEMIC APPROVAL RATING IN THE BADGER STATE HAS DROPPED

  • FROM 51% IN MARCH TO 41% IN OCTOBER.

  • EVEN MORE.

  • POLLS HAVE FOUND THAT HOLDING RALLIES IN DEFIANCE OF

  • CORONAVIRUS HEALTH RECOMMENDATIONS HAS FUELED

  • VOTERS' DISAPPROVAL OF HIS HANDING OF THE PANDEMIC.

  • APPARENTLY, VOTERS ARE NOT RESPONDING TO HIS CAMPAIGN'S

  • CLOSING MESSAGE: "LET THE MASKLESS MAN SPIT ON YOU!"

  • IT'S A CLEAR MESSAGE.

  • THE VIRUS SURGE COULD HAVE A BIG EFFECT ON TRUMP VOTERS.

  • SO FAR, 66 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE VOTED EARLY.

  • IN FACT, PROJECTIONS INDICATE THE MAJORITY OF BALLOTS WILL BE

  • CAST BEFORE ELECTION DAY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY.

  • AS BEN FRANKLIN SO WISELY PUT IT, "EARLY TO BED AND EARLY TO

  • VOTE, GET HIM OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE BEFORE HE DIGS A MOAT."

  • MOST OF THE EARLY VOTING HAS GONE TO THE DEMOCRATS, AND ON

  • THE OTHER SIDE, TRUMP HAS SPENT MONTHS WARNING HIS SUPPORTERS

  • AGAINST VOTING BY MAIL, SO THE G.O.P. IS ESSENTIALLY BETTING

  • ALL OF ITS CHIPS ON A STRONG ELECTION DAY.

  • HE'S TAKING ALL OF HIS CHIPS AND PUTTING IT ALL ON BLACK...

  • PEOPLE NOT VOTING.

  • BUT THEY HAVE ALREADY IN MASSIVE NUMBERS.

  • AND THE DISPARITY IN EARLY VOTING MEANS THAT TRUMP NEEDS A

  • HUGE TURNOUT ON ELECTION DAY IN THE MIDDLE OF A SURGING

  • PANDEMIC.

  • IT'S THE LAST ACT OF TRUMP'S DEATH CULT.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "ALL RIGHT, CHILDREN OF MAGA,

  • PUT ON YOUR NIKES, FILL YOUR THERMOS WITH KOOL-AID, AND GO

  • VOTE.

  • THEN I PROMISE, WE ALL BOARD THE SPACESHIPS TO THE COMET.

  • HERMAN CAIN, WE'LL SEE YOU SOON."

  • NOW, BIDEN IS GETTING A BOOST FROM ONE OF HIS FORMER RIVALS:

  • BILLIONAIRE MIKE BLOOMBERG, SEEN HERE IN FUN SIZE FOR HALLOWEEN.

  • BLOOMBERG HAS BEEN PAYING FOR PRO-BIDEN ADS IN FLORIDA, AND

  • THIS WEEK, BLOOMBERG WILL BE FUNDING A LAST-MINUTE AD BLITZ

  • IN OHIO AND TEXAS.

  • HE'LL BE REACHING OUT TO TEXAS VOTERS WITH HIS TRADEMARK TEXAS

  • STYLE.

  • ( AS BLOOMBERG ) "HOWDY AND HELLO, FELLOW

  • COW-POKES.

  • AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THIS POWERPOINT, YOUR TEXAS LONGHORN

  • STEERS ARE A WONDERFUL SOURCE OF PASTRAMI.

  • NEXT SLIDE."

  • LAST NIGHT AT THE WHITE HOUSE, THEY HELD A CONFIRMATION OF

  • EVERYTHING WE HAVE EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THEM.

  • FOR MORE ON THIS STORY, WE GO NOW LIVE TO THE INEVITABILITY

  • DESK.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

  • INEVITABILITY DESK.

  • I AM AND WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • HUGE DAY FOR THE INEVITABLE: WE CAN PROJECT WATER IS WET, DEATH

  • COMES FOR US ALL, AND LAST NIGHT, JUDGE AMY CONEY BARRETT

  • WAS CONFIRMED 52 TO 48, WHICH MEANS DONALD TRUMP NOW HAS AS

  • MANY SUPREME COURT APPOINTMENTS AS HE'S HAD WIVES.

  • AND UNLIKE TRUMP WIFE, THESE POSITIONS LAST A LIFETIME.

  • THIS HAS BEEN THE INEVITABILITY DESK.

  • BACK TO ME, STEVE.

  • THANK YOU, STEPHEN.

  • NOW, NOT EVERYTHING ABOUT BARRETT'S CONFIRMATION HAD TO

  • HAPPEN THE WAY IT HAPPENED.

  • BECAUSE AFTER THE SENATE VOTE, BARRETT WENT TO THE WHITE HOUSE

  • FOR A HASTILY THROWN-TOGETHER SWEARING-IN CEREMONY AND BALDLY

  • POLITICAL PHOTO-OP WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP.

  • WHICH IS NOT NORMAL!

  • A MEMBER OF THE SUPREME COURT HASN'T BEHAVED SO

  • INAPPROPRIATELY SINCE JUSTICE KENNEDY APPEARED ON THE BENCH

  • WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT READ "IT'S NOT A GAVEL.

  • IT'S A CHICK HAMMER."

  • AMY CONEY BARRETT JOINING THE COURT COULD LET CONSERVATIVES

  • LIMIT VOTING IN THE ELECTION.

  • BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, THEY'RE DOING IT ALREADY, BECAUSE

  • YESTERDAY, ALONG IDEOLOGICAL LINES, THE SUPREME COURT

  • REJECTED A REQUEST TO EXTEND WISCONSIN'S DEADLINE FOR

  • COUNTING MAIL-IN BALLOTS, A DECISION WHICH COULD

  • DISENFRANCHISE UP TO 100,000 VOTERS.

  • OR AS THE CONSERVATIVE JUSTICES CALLED IT, "A GOOD START."

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> VINTAGE LAWYER JOKE SLAM!

  • >> Stephen: THIS WAS A DUMB RULING DURING A PANDEMIC, WHEN

  • MANY AMERICANS ARE VOTING BY MAIL TO STAY SAFE.

  • BUT THE DUMBEST PART CAME FROM SUPREME COURT JUSTICE KAVANAUGH,

  • SEEN HERE ARGUING THE CASE OF "BRETT V. BARTENDER WHO CUT HIM

  • OFF."

  • KAVANAUGH RULED AGAINST LETTING ALL THE VOTES BE COUNTED, CITING

  • THE SUPREME COURT'S DECISION TO ARBITRARILY CUT OFF VOTING AND

  • HAND THE WHITE HOUSE TO A REPUBLICAN IN 2000'S "BUSH V.

  • GORE."

  • THAT CASE IS THE WORST THING TO COME OUT OF 2000!

  • AND A LOT OF BAD THINGS HAPPENED THAT YEAR.

  • WE STILL NEVER GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF WHO LET THE DOGS OUT.

  • RE-OPEN THE COLD CASE!

  • APPARENTLY, JUSTICE KAVANAUGH HAS GRADUATED-- DID YOU LIKE

  • THAT JOKE OVER THERE?

  • DID YOU LIKE THAT ONE?

  • I DID, TOO.

  • I DID, TOO.

  • APPARENTLY, JUSTICE KAVANAUGH HAS GRADUATED FROM LOCAL

  • MICROBREWS TO HUFFING PAINT THINNER, BECAUSE IN "BUSH V.

  • GORE," THAT COURT SPECIFICALLY SAID "OUR CONSIDERATION IS

  • LIMITED TO THE PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES," WHICH MEANS THIS

  • RULING COULD NOT FUNCTION AS A PRECEDENT.

  • WELL, I GUESS IT'S TOO MUCH TO EXPECT BRETT KAVANAUGH TO LISTEN

  • TO SOMEONE SAYING "STOP, DON'T DO THIS."

  • IN HIS OPINION, KAVANAUGH WROTE THAT STATES WHO TRY TO COUNT

  • BALLOTS THAT ARRIVE AFTER ELECTION DAY COULD BE HIT WITH

  • "CHAOS AND SUSPICIONS OF IMPROPRIETY."

  • HEY, BRETT, HAVE YOU LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW?

  • "CHAOS AND IMPROPRIETY" IS THE 2020 PROM THEME.

  • THREE WEEKS AGO, SOME PRETEND MILITIA YAHOOS PLOTTED TO KIDNAP

  • THE GOVERNOR OF MICHIGAN, AND WE'RE LIKE "OH, YEAH, THAT

  • HAPPENED."

  • ONE PERSON WHO WASN'T HAVING ANY OF KAVANAUGH'S ARGUMENT WAS

  • JUSTICE ELENA KAGAN, SEEN HERE IMAGINING A 13-MEMBER SUPREME

  • COURT.

  • IN HER DISSENT, KAGAN WROTE, "JUSTICE KAVANAUGH ALLEGES THAT

  • 'SUSPICIONS OF IMPROPRIETY' WILL RESULT IF 'ABSENTEE BALLOTS FLOW

  • IN AFTER ELECTION DAY AND POTENTIALLY FLIP THE RESULTS OF

  • AN ELECTION,' BUT THERE ARE NO RESULTS TO 'FLIP' UNTIL ALL

  • VALID VOTES ARE COUNTED."

  • EXACTLY!

  • IF WE DON'T COUNT ALL THE VOTES, WE'RE NOT DECLARING A WINNER.

  • WE'RE JUST SAYING WHO'S AHEAD AT MIDNIGHT.

  • THERE'S A REASON YOU NEVER HEAR A BASEBALL ANNOUNCER SAY,

  • "BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH, BASES LOADED, ALL TIED UP, TAMPA BAY

  • 3, LOS ANGELES 3.

  • IT'S A HIT!

  • A LONG FLY BALL, AND LET'S CALL IT THERE, FOLKS.

  • WE ARE WILLING TO PROJECT THE DODGERS GAVE ME MY JOB.

  • SO THEY WIN."

  • HEY, WISCONSINITES, LOOKS LIKE BRETT KAVANAUGH DOESN'T WANT

  • YOUR MAIL-IN VOTE TO BE COUNTED.

  • IN MADISON OR MILWAUKEE OR OCONOMOWOK OR WAUKESHA OR

  • OSHKOSH, B'GOSH.

  • SO MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD.

  • DROP YOUR BALLOT OFF IN PERSON.

  • TO LEARN HOW, VISIT OUR SITE, betterknowaballot.com/wi.

  • WHICH, OF COURSE, STANDS FOR "WIH THE PEOPLE."

  • SPEAKING OF VOTES, THE CANDIDATES ARE OUT THERE ON THE

  • ARE TRYING TO GET SOME.

  • TODAY TRUMP WAS IN MICHIGAN FOR ONE OF HIS SUPER SPREADER

  • RALLIES.

  • >> JEREMY, PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS TO HOPE THE BLUE WALL ISN'T

  • REBUILT ALONG THE GREAT LAKES.

  • IS THAT BEHIND HIS TRAVEL PLANS TODAY?

  • >> YEAH, THERE'S NO QUESTION, BRIANNA.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ FIRST OF ALL, EXCUSE THE VOLUME

  • LEVELS HERE.

  • WE'VE GOT TED NUGENT ON GUITAR IN THE BACK HERE PLAYING A

  • RENDITION OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

  • BUT AS FOR THE PRESIDENT'S CAMPAIGN SCHEDULE, HE WILL BE

  • TRAVELING TO THREE KEY STATES TODAY.

  • HE'S GONNA BE HERE IN MICHIGAN.

  • >> Stephen: I CAN'T BELIEVE CNN PUT THAT ON AIR AS ANALYSIS OF

  • WHAT'S HAPPENING.

  • AND I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW PERFECT IT IS AS AN ANALYSIS OF WHAT IS

  • HAPPENING!

  • BECAUSE I THINK THAT CLIP CAPTURES EXACTLY THE INSIDE OF

  • OUR SKULLS RIGHT NOW.

  • WE'RE ALL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON, MAYBE LISTEN TO

  • THAT QUIET VOICE TELLING US THE RIGHT THING TO DO, BUT DONALD

  • TRUMP IS TRYING TO DROWN ALL THAT OUT WITH "CAT SCRATCH

  • FEVER."

  • AFTER HIS NON-STOP RALLY SCHEDULE, YOU CAN TELL TRUMP'S

  • GETTING PRETTY TIRED.

  • TO GET HIM ONSTAGE IN MICHIGAN, THEY EVIDENTIALLY HAD TO LURE

  • HIM THERE WITH A HONEY-GLAZED PODIUM.

  • WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON?

  • WAS-- WAS RUDY HIS OPENING ACT?

  • THE LAST WEEK OF THE CAMPAIGN IS TRADITIONALLY WHEN CANDIDATES

  • CRISS-CROSS THE COUNTRY, MAKING THEIR CLOSING ARGUMENTS TO

  • AMERICAN VOTERS.

  • AND TODAY, THESE TWO CANDIDATES STRUCK SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT TONES.

  • BIDEN GAVE A SPEECH IN GEORGIA IN A PLACE CALLED "WARM

  • SPRINGS," WHICH IS ALSO HOW YOU COULD DESCRIBE TRUMP'S MATTRESS

  • IN THAT RUSSIAN HOTEL ROOM.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> ONE MORE FOR OLD TIME'S

  • SAKE?

  • >> Stephen: WHILE TRUMP WAS IN LANSING, MICHIGAN, LET'S HEAR

  • THEIR COMPETING VISIONS FOR THIS HISTORIC AMERICAN MOMENT.

  • >> OVER 225,000 PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEIR LIVES TO A VIRUS, MANY IN

  • THE CRUELEST WAY POSSIBLE.

  • >> COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID,

  • COVID, COVID.

  • >> TOO MANY AMONG US SPEND MORE TIME SHOUTING THAN LISTENING,

  • MORE TIME FIGHTING THAN WORKING TOGETHER, MORE TIME DEMONIZING

  • AND DENIGRATING OTHERS THAN LIFTING THEM UP.

  • >> A.O.C. PLUS THREE-- WHO KNOWS LESS ABOUT THIS STUFF THAN ANY

  • HUMAN BEING ON EARTH-- BUT SHE DOES HAVE A GOOD LINE OF CRAP.

  • >> WE'LL ONCE MORE BECOME ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE.

  • A NATION UNITED.

  • A NATION STRENGTHENED.

  • A NATION HEALED.

  • >> WITHOUT TIVO, TELEVISION IS USELESS.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, TWO SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT CANDIDATES,

  • BUT SOMEHOW, SOMEHOW, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE TO LISTEN

  • TO THAT QUIET VOICE IN THEIR HEAD AND CHOOSE THE BETTER MAN

  • AND MAYBE JUST TIVO THE OTHER.

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • DR. SANJAY GUPTA IS HERE.

  • BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"

  • JOIN US, WON'T YOU?

>> Stephen: HOLLOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

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B1 kavanaugh covid covid trump covid stephen election

Trump Holds Superspreader Rallies And Whines About Covid While Joe Biden Offers A Competing Vision

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/28
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