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  • -Hey, everyone! Thank you very, very much.

  • And welcome to "The Tonight Show."

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, this morning,

  • the Commission on Presidential Debates,

  • which I'm assuming is just a bunch of guys with

  • bird masks and butt paddles, made a big announcement

  • about the next presidential debate.

  • Listen to this.

  • -The commission just announcing that the next debate

  • will be entirely virtual as the president still battles COVID.

  • The candidates will participate from separate remote locations.

  • -Yeah, a virtual debate...

  • with two guys in their 70s and a moderator in his 60s.

  • I'm sure that'll run real smooth.

  • And to make it even more annoying,

  • they're going to have Trump and Biden

  • chomp on baby carrots while they talk.

  • [ Chomping ]

  • A virtual debate with Trump?

  • Come on. How great would that be?

  • It's like, "Melania, what's the Wi-Fi password?"

  • [ Slovenian accent ] 1, 2, 3, 4 --

  • same as nuke codes."

  • [ Normal voice ] Yeah, a virtual debate seems like a safe idea.

  • During a phone call this morning on "Fox Business,"

  • Trump was asked about it, and here's what he had to say.

  • -The CPD, the Commission on Presidential Debates,

  • announcing this morning

  • that the second presidential debate will be virtual.

  • Are you saying you're not going to participate?

  • -Yep, Trump says he won't waste time.

  • Then he went back to chatting on Fox Business for 55 minutes.

  • 55 minutes.

  • Halfway through, Maria Bartiromo texted

  • the hosts of "Fox & Friends" like,

  • "How do you make him stop?"

  • Seriously, the call was so exhausting,

  • Maria went online and booked four days at Walter Reed.

  • After Trump stated that he would not "waste his time,"

  • Joe Biden announced that he was

  • backing out of the debate, as well.

  • It's like a group text.

  • Once one person bails on brunch,

  • the floodgates open, and everybody jumps ship.

  • They're like, "Uh, I got something, too.

  • Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Well, I forgot about that."

  • It's too bad for the people who were going to speak

  • at the town hall, 'cause they were

  • really looking forward to having their questions

  • ignored on national television.

  • Anyway, back to Trump's phone call.

  • Maria asked the president how he's doing,

  • and it was clear that Trump is having a tough time

  • staying in quarantine.

  • Listen to this.

  • -A rally? He's actually considering that?

  • Trump's aides were like, "You got it, boss,"

  • then put him in a room with 5,000 cardboard cutouts.

  • Later in the interview,

  • Trump had a sound bite that I found very interesting.

  • Check this out.

  • -[ As Trump ] Whaaat?

  • Wha...

  • I've never felt better.

  • My body is a finely tuned Swiss clock.

  • Everything is in perfect working order.

  • [ Normal voice ] "So happy you're better."

  • [ As Trump ] Whaaat?

  • [ Normal voice ] Trump suddenly turned into every grandpa

  • when you ask how they're feeling.

  • "What?"

  • Also, minor detail -- there's no such thing

  • as being immune to COVID.

  • After he said that, Dr. Fauci poured himself

  • a big antibody cocktail minus the antibody.

  • Towards the end of the interview,

  • Maria had a question about Trump's current COVID status,

  • and he gave her a pretty interesting answer.

  • Listen to this.

  • -You're feeling good. Have you been tested recently?

  • Can you tell us anything else about your condition?

  • -Essentially?

  • This is kind of a binary situation.

  • You either have COVID or you don't.

  • Doctors don't say, "Good news.

  • You don't have COVID anymore... more or less.

  • Per se."

  • That's not very comforting.

  • You don't see a celebrity coming out of rehab like, "All good.

  • I'm essentially clean."

  • Well, guys, last night was, of course,

  • the big vice-presidential debate between

  • Mike Pence and Kamala Harris,

  • and everyone's still talking about it

  • because a fly actually landed on Pence's head.

  • Watch this. -Yes.

  • -It's a great insult to the men and women

  • who serve in law enforcement.

  • -Part of a pattern of Donald Trump's.

  • He was...

  • -At that point, every American was like,

  • "Is that on him or on my TV?"

  • You know vice-presidential debates are boring

  • when a fly shows up and the entire Internet loses its mind.

  • Meanwhile, a bunch of other flies off-camera were like,

  • "Oh, my God.

  • I can't believe you actually did it!

  • You're a legend, dude!

  • Epic!

  • I can't believe you did it!"

  • Kamala Harris was probably sitting there thinking,

  • "I've been strong and commanding,

  • and all anyone is going to be talking about

  • is that stupid fly."

  • Yeah, that was a tough moment for Pence,

  • although it's still not as bad as

  • the last vice-presidential debate,

  • when a barn owl attacked Tim Kaine.

  • Yep, Pence had a rough night.

  • As if the fly wasn't bad enough, people also noticed

  • there was something going on with his eyeball.

  • Look at his eye.

  • Yeah, he's the head of the Coronavirus Task Force.

  • Not really a great look when

  • you're covered in bugs and bleeding out of your eye.

  • Yep, last night's debate was an epic battle

  • between side-eye and red-eye.

  • It's a tough break for Pence.

  • It's hard to shake the reputation of being robotic

  • when you show up looking like the Terminator.

  • Also, can you believe Kamala Harris

  • had to stare at that for 90 minutes?

  • As if she wasn't under enough pressure,

  • she had to debate the Bond villain with the leaky eye.

  • [ As Le Chiffre ] Be very careful, Mr. Bond.

  • [ Normal voice ] People are worried about Pence

  • because pinkeye is a possible symptom of coronavirus.

  • Even scarier, today,

  • Pence's temperature shot all the way up to 84.6.

  • Well, a lot of people also noticed that Pence

  • kept interrupting Harris, but she wasn't having it.

  • Watch this.

  • -This is important, and I want to add --

  • -Susan, I have to weigh in here.

  • -Mr. Vice President, I'm speaking.

  • -I have to weigh in. -I'm speaking.

  • ...raise taxes on anybody who makes less than $400,000 a year.

  • -He said he's going to repeal the Trump tax cuts.

  • -Mr. Vice President, I'm speaking.

  • -Well -- -I'm speaking.

  • If you don't mind letting me finish,

  • we can then have a conversation, okay?

  • -Please. -Okay.

  • In 1864 --

  • -Well, I'd like you to answer the question.

  • -Mr. Vice President, I'm speaking.

  • I'm speaking. Okay?

  • [ Laughter, applause ]

  • -Compared to the presidential debate,

  • that wasn't too bad, although that's like comparing

  • a five-star restaurant to a Waffle House at 3:00 a.m.

  • That's right -- there were a lot of memorable moments

  • during the debate, and there are plenty of jokes to be made,

  • but if it's alright, I want to take a moment

  • to say something serious about democracy.

  • That okay?

  • -You asking me? I mean, it's your show, man.

  • You can do whatever you want.

  • -America is at an inflection point right now.

  • And we, as a nation, have to come together to make a choice.

  • -[ Laughs ] Um, Jimmy, you got something on your, uh...

  • -This country needs to ask itself some hard questions,

  • like, "What is America?

  • Who is freedom?

  • And when is liberty?"

  • -That didn't even make --