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♪ ♪
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♪ >> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.
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LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE!
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>> Jon: HELLO.
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YOU GOT THE INK ON THE SHIRT.
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WHAT'S THAT?
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>> Stephen: I THREW A PEN AT CHRIS JUST NOW BECAUSE HE WASN'T
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LOOKING AT ME.
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I'M NOT A FRAGILE PERFORMER BUT I WILL NOT, NOT BE LOOKED AT, SO
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I THREW A PEN AT HIM AND GOT INK ON HIS SHIRT SO I THINK I HAVE A
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DRY-CLEANING BILL.
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DO YOU KNOW WHY I'M IN A GOOD MOOD?
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>> Jon: WHY IS THAT?
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>> Stephen: OVER THE WEEKEND I GOT MY MAIL-IN BALLOT.
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I'M REALLY EXCITED.
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I CAN'T WAIT.
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>> Jon: IT'S TIME.
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LET'S GO.
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>> Stephen: LOOKING AT THE BALLOT GAVE ME A FEELING OF
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AGENCY, LIKE I COULD ACTUALLY HAVE SOME SAY OVER THE FUTURE OF
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THIS COUNTRY.
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I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.
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>> OH, YEAH, YOU LOOK AT THAT BALLOT YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU
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WANT TO DO.
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>> Stephen: VOTE.
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>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
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>> Stephen: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
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YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RESEARCHING THE MOST TOPICAL
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TRADITIONAL MAORI TATTOO DESIGNS OF THE DAY, DEVELOPING A VISUAL
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METAPHOR FOR A MEANINGFUL PERSONAL STORY, CRAFTING NEEDLES
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OUT OF ALBATROSS BONES AND METICULOUSLY APPLYING A PIGMENT
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MADE OF BURNT TIMBER TO CREATE THE ELEGANT BODY ART THAT IS MY
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MONOLOGUE.
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BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO GO TO THE PART OF THE
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PLAYGROUND WHERE THE TEACHERS CAN'T SEE ME, TAKE THE PENKNIFE
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MY FRIEND TOMMY STOLE FROM HIS DAD'S GLOVE COMPARTMENT, CARVE
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HALF A PORTRAIT OF SPEED RACER IN MY ARM BECAUSE IT HURTS TOO
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MUCH TO KEEP GOING, AND THEN RUB SOME BIC PEN INK IN THERE TO
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FORM THE ADOLESCENT D.I.Y.
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MISTAKE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
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"QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A MELBOURNE,
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AUSTRALIA PILOT TOOK TO THE SKIES WITH THREE CHICKENS TO
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CARRY OUT A PREYOM KIPPUR RITUAL."
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IT'S THE SACRED JEWISH TRADITION OF CONFUSING THE HELL OUT OF
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LIVESTOCK.
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DUE TO THE BAN ON LARGE GATHERINGS, MANY ORTHODOX JEWS
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WERE UNABLE TO PERFORM THE RITUAL OF "KAPPAROT," WHICH
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"INVOLVES SWINGING A LIVE CHICKEN OVER ONE'S HEAD THREE
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TIMES AND RECITING A PRAYER TO TRANSFER SINS TO THE BIRD."
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SEEMS REALLY UNFAIR TO THE BIRD.
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"NO, HONEY, THIS EXTREMELY DIZZY CHICKEN IS THE ONE WHO CHEATED
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ON YOU."
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QUARANTINE-WHILE, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE FAMILY ENTERTAINMENTS
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AND WEAPONS SYSTEMS INCORPORATED" SOMETIMES COME
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ACROSS SO MANY FAST-FOOD RELATED STORIES THAT WE HAD TO CREATE
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OUR NEW QUARANTINE-WHILE SUB SEGMENT "CUISINE-WHILE."
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CUISINE-WHILE, AS A FUN WAY TO SOOTHE PEOPLE UNDER LOCKDOWN "A
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BROOKLYN PIZZERIA IS OFFERING "COMFORTING WORDS" AS A DELIVERY
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MENU ITEM."
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I DON'T THINK THEY GET HOW PIZZA WORKS.
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MELTED CHEESE ON BREAD IS THE COMFORT.
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WORDS ARE AN UNNECESSARY TOPPING, LIKE VEGETABLES.
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YOU SAY YOU WANT THEM, BUT COME ON.
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ACCORDING TO THE PIZZERIA, "FOR $1, OUR DELIVERY DRIVER WILL
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LOOK YOU STRAIGHT IN THE EYES AND TELL YOU 'EVERYTHING'S GONNA
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BE OKAY AND YOU'RE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN.'"
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AND FOR $2, THEY WON'T.
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BY THE WAY, EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY AND YOU'RE DOING THE
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BEST YOU CAN.
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CUISINE-WHILE, IN IRELAND, THEIR HIGHEST COURT HAS RULED THAT
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SUBWAY SANDWICHES ARE TOO SUGARY TO MEET THE LEGAL DEFINITION OF
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"BREAD."
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SAID SUBWAY IN A STATEMENT, "YES, THIS IS THE MOST
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CONTROVERSIAL BRUSH WITH THE LAW SUBWAY HAS EVER HAD.
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THIS SUGAR BREAD THING.
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NOTHING ELSE."
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SO IRELAND IS CONCERNED THAT SUBWAY'S BREAD IS TOO SUGARY.
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IRELAND, YOU'RE ADORABLE.
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AMERICA LITERALLY HAS A SANDWICH THAT IS FRIED CHICKEN BETWEEN
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TWO DONUTS.
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YOU CAN GET IT WITH A SIDE OF FRIES AND A DEFIBRILLATOR.
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AND THE DEFIBRILLATOR IS BETWEEN TWO DONUTS!
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'CAUSE THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!
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CUISINE-WHILE, "A MCDONALD'S FANATIC IN NORTH DAKOTA IS
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ENJOYING WIDESPREAD INTERNET MCFAME AFTER SHE WAS SPOTTED IN
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THE MCDONALD'S DRIVETHRU WITH HER 'HMBRGLR' LICENSE PLATE."
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WHAT A FUN COINCIDENCE.
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JUST LIKE THAT TIME I WENT THROUGH THE TACO BELL
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DRIVE-THROUGH WITH MY LICENSE PLATE THAT SAYS "RE-GRET."
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QUARANTINE-WHILE, RESEARCHERS ARE NOW ASKING, "COULD CATS HOLD
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THE KEY TO A COVID-19 VACCINE?" I HOPE NOT.
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I DO NOT WANT HUMANITY'S FATE IN THE HANDS OF CREATURES THAT
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CLEARLY DON'T CARE IF WE LIVE OR DIE.
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SCIENTISTS SAY "CATS DEVELOP A PROTECTIVE IMMUNE RESPONSE TO
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COVID-19, LEADING RESEARCHERS TO WONDER WHETHER IT'S WORTH
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STUDYING PETS TO AID IN THE DEVELOPMENT OF A HUMAN VACCINE."
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SOUNDS GOOD.
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BECAUSE MINGLING HUMAN AND CAT D.N.A. HAS NEVER GONE WRONG.
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RELEASE THE BUTTHOLE CUT.
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( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, COLOR EXPERTS
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PANTONE, IN AN EFFORT TO END THE STIGMA ASSOCIATED WITH
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MENSTRUATION, HAVE UNVEILED "A NEW SHADE OF RED INSPIRED BY THE
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COLOR OF WOMEN'S PERIODS."
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WHICH IS JUST WRONG.
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ANYONE WHO'S WATCHED A MAXI PAD COMMERCIAL KNOWS THE COLOR OF
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WOMEN'S PERIODS IS ELECTRIC BLUE.
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I THINK THEY WOULD KNOW.
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QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN ENGLAND, DURING A TEST RUN OF THE FUTURE
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OF EMERGENCY MEDICAL SERVICES, A JETPACK-EQUIPPED PARAMEDIC WAS
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ABLE TO COVER A NORMALLY 25-MINUTE TREK UP A MOUNTAINSIDE
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TO A SIMULATED EMERGENCY IN ONLY 90 SECONDS.
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NOW UNFORTUNATELY, THE JET PACK ISN'T POWERFUL ENOUGH TO
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TRANSPORT YOU TO A HOSPITAL, SO IN MANY CASES THEY CAN'T SAVE
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YOUR LIFE.
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BUT THE LAST THING YOU SEE WILL BE SO COOL!
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ETHAN HAWKE.
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I WANT TO SEE THAT JET PACK.
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♪ ♪
