♪ >> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.

LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE!

>> Jon: HELLO.

YOU GOT THE INK ON THE SHIRT.

WHAT'S THAT?

>> Stephen: I THREW A PEN AT CHRIS JUST NOW BECAUSE HE WASN'T

LOOKING AT ME.

I'M NOT A FRAGILE PERFORMER BUT I WILL NOT, NOT BE LOOKED AT, SO

I THREW A PEN AT HIM AND GOT INK ON HIS SHIRT SO I THINK I HAVE A

DRY-CLEANING BILL.

DO YOU KNOW WHY I'M IN A GOOD MOOD?

>> Jon: WHY IS THAT?

>> Stephen: OVER THE WEEKEND I GOT MY MAIL-IN BALLOT.

I'M REALLY EXCITED.

I CAN'T WAIT.

>> Jon: IT'S TIME.

LET'S GO.

>> Stephen: LOOKING AT THE BALLOT GAVE ME A FEELING OF

AGENCY, LIKE I COULD ACTUALLY HAVE SOME SAY OVER THE FUTURE OF

THIS COUNTRY.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.

>> OH, YEAH, YOU LOOK AT THAT BALLOT YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU

WANT TO DO.

>> Stephen: VOTE.

>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RESEARCHING THE MOST TOPICAL

TRADITIONAL MAORI TATTOO DESIGNS OF THE DAY, DEVELOPING A VISUAL

METAPHOR FOR A MEANINGFUL PERSONAL STORY, CRAFTING NEEDLES

OUT OF ALBATROSS BONES AND METICULOUSLY APPLYING A PIGMENT

MADE OF BURNT TIMBER TO CREATE THE ELEGANT BODY ART THAT IS MY

MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO GO TO THE PART OF THE

PLAYGROUND WHERE THE TEACHERS CAN'T SEE ME, TAKE THE PENKNIFE

MY FRIEND TOMMY STOLE FROM HIS DAD'S GLOVE COMPARTMENT, CARVE

HALF A PORTRAIT OF SPEED RACER IN MY ARM BECAUSE IT HURTS TOO

MUCH TO KEEP GOING, AND THEN RUB SOME BIC PEN INK IN THERE TO

FORM THE ADOLESCENT D.I.Y.

MISTAKE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

"QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A MELBOURNE,

AUSTRALIA PILOT TOOK TO THE SKIES WITH THREE CHICKENS TO

CARRY OUT A PREYOM KIPPUR RITUAL."

IT'S THE SACRED JEWISH TRADITION OF CONFUSING THE HELL OUT OF

LIVESTOCK.

DUE TO THE BAN ON LARGE GATHERINGS, MANY ORTHODOX JEWS

WERE UNABLE TO PERFORM THE RITUAL OF "KAPPAROT," WHICH

"INVOLVES SWINGING A LIVE CHICKEN OVER ONE'S HEAD THREE

TIMES AND RECITING A PRAYER TO TRANSFER SINS TO THE BIRD."

SEEMS REALLY UNFAIR TO THE BIRD.

"NO, HONEY, THIS EXTREMELY DIZZY CHICKEN IS THE ONE WHO CHEATED

ON YOU."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE FAMILY ENTERTAINMENTS

AND WEAPONS SYSTEMS INCORPORATED" SOMETIMES COME

ACROSS SO MANY FAST-FOOD RELATED STORIES THAT WE HAD TO CREATE

OUR NEW QUARANTINE-WHILE SUB SEGMENT "CUISINE-WHILE."

CUISINE-WHILE, AS A FUN WAY TO SOOTHE PEOPLE UNDER LOCKDOWN "A

BROOKLYN PIZZERIA IS OFFERING "COMFORTING WORDS" AS A DELIVERY

MENU ITEM."

I DON'T THINK THEY GET HOW PIZZA WORKS.

MELTED CHEESE ON BREAD IS THE COMFORT.

WORDS ARE AN UNNECESSARY TOPPING, LIKE VEGETABLES.

YOU SAY YOU WANT THEM, BUT COME ON.

ACCORDING TO THE PIZZERIA, "FOR $1, OUR DELIVERY DRIVER WILL

LOOK YOU STRAIGHT IN THE EYES AND TELL YOU 'EVERYTHING'S GONNA

BE OKAY AND YOU'RE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN.'"

AND FOR $2, THEY WON'T.

BY THE WAY, EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY AND YOU'RE DOING THE

BEST YOU CAN.

CUISINE-WHILE, IN IRELAND, THEIR HIGHEST COURT HAS RULED THAT

SUBWAY SANDWICHES ARE TOO SUGARY TO MEET THE LEGAL DEFINITION OF

"BREAD."

SAID SUBWAY IN A STATEMENT, "YES, THIS IS THE MOST

CONTROVERSIAL BRUSH WITH THE LAW SUBWAY HAS EVER HAD.

THIS SUGAR BREAD THING.

NOTHING ELSE."

SO IRELAND IS CONCERNED THAT SUBWAY'S BREAD IS TOO SUGARY.

IRELAND, YOU'RE ADORABLE.

AMERICA LITERALLY HAS A SANDWICH THAT IS FRIED CHICKEN BETWEEN

TWO DONUTS.

YOU CAN GET IT WITH A SIDE OF FRIES AND A DEFIBRILLATOR.

AND THE DEFIBRILLATOR IS BETWEEN TWO DONUTS!

'CAUSE THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!

CUISINE-WHILE, "A MCDONALD'S FANATIC IN NORTH DAKOTA IS

ENJOYING WIDESPREAD INTERNET MCFAME AFTER SHE WAS SPOTTED IN

THE MCDONALD'S DRIVETHRU WITH HER 'HMBRGLR' LICENSE PLATE."

WHAT A FUN COINCIDENCE.

JUST LIKE THAT TIME I WENT THROUGH THE TACO BELL

DRIVE-THROUGH WITH MY LICENSE PLATE THAT SAYS "RE-GRET."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, RESEARCHERS ARE NOW ASKING, "COULD CATS HOLD

THE KEY TO A COVID-19 VACCINE?" I HOPE NOT.

I DO NOT WANT HUMANITY'S FATE IN THE HANDS OF CREATURES THAT

CLEARLY DON'T CARE IF WE LIVE OR DIE.

SCIENTISTS SAY "CATS DEVELOP A PROTECTIVE IMMUNE RESPONSE TO

COVID-19, LEADING RESEARCHERS TO WONDER WHETHER IT'S WORTH

STUDYING PETS TO AID IN THE DEVELOPMENT OF A HUMAN VACCINE."

SOUNDS GOOD.

BECAUSE MINGLING HUMAN AND CAT D.N.A. HAS NEVER GONE WRONG.

RELEASE THE BUTTHOLE CUT.

( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, COLOR EXPERTS

PANTONE, IN AN EFFORT TO END THE STIGMA ASSOCIATED WITH

MENSTRUATION, HAVE UNVEILED "A NEW SHADE OF RED INSPIRED BY THE

COLOR OF WOMEN'S PERIODS."

WHICH IS JUST WRONG.

ANYONE WHO'S WATCHED A MAXI PAD COMMERCIAL KNOWS THE COLOR OF

WOMEN'S PERIODS IS ELECTRIC BLUE.

I THINK THEY WOULD KNOW.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN ENGLAND, DURING A TEST RUN OF THE FUTURE

OF EMERGENCY MEDICAL SERVICES, A JETPACK-EQUIPPED PARAMEDIC WAS

ABLE TO COVER A NORMALLY 25-MINUTE TREK UP A MOUNTAINSIDE

TO A SIMULATED EMERGENCY IN ONLY 90 SECONDS.

NOW UNFORTUNATELY, THE JET PACK ISN'T POWERFUL ENOUGH TO

TRANSPORT YOU TO A HOSPITAL, SO IN MANY CASES THEY CAN'T SAVE

YOUR LIFE.

BUT THE LAST THING YOU SEE WILL BE SO COOL!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ETHAN HAWKE.

I WANT TO SEE THAT JET PACK.

♪ ♪