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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • I'M HERE FROM THE LOVELY ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE

  • BUILDING.

  • MY LADY JOINS ME OVER THERE.

  • >> HELLO.

  • >> Stephen: WE ARE EIGHT DAYS FROM THE

  • ELECTION AND EXCITEMENT IS SPREADING ACROSS THE COUNTRY IF

  • BY EXCITEMENT YOU MEAN CORONAVIRUS.

  • 'CAUSE, UH, YEAH.

  • THEY SAID THE FALL WOULD GET BAD, AND THEY WAS RIGHT.

  • WE ARE EIGHT MONTHS INTO THE PANDEMIC, AND WE'RE ALL TIRED OF

  • IT.

  • I'VE ALREADY WATCHED EVERYTHING ON NETFLIX, EVERYTHING ON HULU

  • AND, IF ANYONE ASKS, EVERYTHING ON CBS ALL ACCESS.

  • BUT EVEN THOUGH WE'RE TIRED OF THE VIRUS, IT'S STILL SUPER

  • INTERESTED IN US.

  • ON FRIDAY, THE U.S. HIT AN ALL-TIME HIGH IN NEW CORONAVIRUS

  • CASES.

  • IT'S APRIL ALL OVER AGAIN.

  • WE'RE TALKING ABOUT "TIGER KING," WE'RE LEARNING HOW TO

  • REGROW OUR SCALLIONS, AND AS FAR AS WE KNOW, SMASH MOUTH HASN'T

  • KILLED ANYONE YET!

  • HELL, WE'VE GOT SANJAY GUPTA ON TOMORROW!

  • THAT'S NEVER A GOOD SIGN!

  • I HOPE HE'S HERE TO TALK ABOUT HIS NEW ALBUM!

  • GROOVIN' WITH GUPTA.

  • GROUP-TA.

  • HUH?

  • NO?

  • THAT'S NOT IT?

  • >> SINGING WITH SANJAY.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S BETTER THAN GROOVING WITH GUPTA?

  • NOTHING FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY.

  • I GOT HER OVER HERE.

  • TELLING ME WHETHER THE JOKES ARE GOOD OR NOT.

  • OKAY, ENOUGH!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WITH THESE RECORD NUMBERS, WE'VE

  • OFFICIALLY ENTERED, THE THIRD WAVE OF COVID-19 IN THE U.S.

  • OKAY, BUT THAT'S A LITTLE MISLEADING, BECAUSE IF YOU LOOK

  • AT THE CHART OF COVID WAVES, THE BOTTOM BEFORE THE THIRD WAVE IS

  • AS HIGH AS THE CREST OF THE FIRST WAVE.

  • IT'S NOT REALLY A THIRD WAVE IF THE FIRST WAVE NEVER ENDED.

  • IT'S LIKE HOW EVERY "ROCKY" MOVIE STARTS WITH THE END OF THE

  • LAST MOVIE.

  • SO THERE'S TECHNICALLY ONLY ONE, VERY LONG "ROCKY" MOVIE.

  • AND JUST LIKE ROCKY, THE MAIN CHARACTER TALKS LIKE HE'S SPENT

  • A LIFETIME GETTING PUNCHED IN THE HEAD.

  • BUT THIS DISTURBING NEWS BRINGS US TO OUR NEWEST SEGMENT: "CATCH

  • A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."

  • CORONA BUNGA DUDE!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YOU WANTED ME TO REHEARSE THAT?

  • WE ALMOST HAD TO REHEARSE THAT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT, DO YOU THINK I COULDN'T

  • HANDLE THAT LEVEL OF DWRASK?

  • ARE WE GOING LONG RIGHT NOW?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) PART OF WHAT MAKES THIS LATEST

  • WAVE OF THE FIRST WAVE SO HARD TO CONTAIN IS HOW WIDESPREAD IT

  • IS.

  • HOSPITALIZATIONS HAVE JUMPED IN AT LEAST 38 STATES IN THE PAST

  • WEEK.

  • IN RESPONSE THIS WEEKEND, THE WHITE HOUSE DISPATCHED CHIEF OF

  • STAFF AND LAST BOY PICKED FOR THE WHITE FOOTBALL GAME, MARK

  • MEADOWS.

  • YESTERDAY, MEADOWS WENT ON CNN TO REASSURE A WORRIED NATION

  • THAT YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

  • >> WE'RE NOT GOING TO CONTROL THE PANDEMIC.

  • >> STEPHEN: OKAY!

  • THAT WAS A SHORTER CLIP THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) OKAY!

  • SO AFTER EIGHT MONTHS OF NOT REALLY TRYING, NOW THEY'RE JUST

  • GIVING UP.

  • THAT'S NOT GOOD.

  • IT'S LIKE IF "MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING" CHANGED ITS

  • NAME TO "MOTHERS WHO REALIZE, HEY, YOU GOTTA GET HOME FROM THE

  • BAR SOMEHOW!" OF COURSE, THE MOST INFECTIOUS

  • PART OF THE COUNTRY IS THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.

  • AT LEAST 30 PEOPLE ASSOCIATED WITH TRUMP CAUGHT THE VIRUS,

  • INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT AND FIRST LADY THEMSELVES,

  • AND NOW AT LEAST FIVE OF VICE PRESIDENT PENCE'S AIDES

  • HAVE TESTED POSITIVE FOR THE VIRUS.

  • THE NEW INFECTIONS IN THE VICE PRESIDENT'S INNER CIRCLE INCLUDE

  • HIS CHIEF OF STAFF, HIS TOP OUTSIDE POLITICAL ADVISER, AND

  • HIS "BODY MAN."

  • BY THE WAY, "BODY MAN" IS THE AIDE WHO IS WITH THE VICE

  • PRESIDENT AT ALL TIMES, AND NOT, AS I PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT, THE

  • LEAST POPULAR MEMBER OF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE.

  • IRONICALLY, PENCE IS THE HEAD OF THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE.

  • THIS REMINDS ME OF THAT FIRE SAFETY P.S.A.

  • >> ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES 'CAUSE I'VE STOPPED

  • TRYIN'!

  • ( HYSTERICAL LAUGHING ) >> STEPHEN: SO FAR, PENCE HAS

  • NOT TESTED POSITIVE, BUT THE C.D.C. RECOMMENDS PEOPLE STAY

  • HOME FOR 14 DAYS FOLLOWING POSSIBLE EXPOSURE.

  • BUT PENCE IS GOING TO KEEP CAMPAIGNING ANYWAY.

  • THE WHITE HOUSE JUSTIFIES IT BY CLAIMING PENCE IS AN ESSENTIAL

  • WORKER.

  • WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

  • HE'S VICE PRESIDENT.

  • AT BEST, HE IS VICE ESSENTIAL.

  • HE'S AMERICA'S SPARE TIRE.

  • YOU WANT HIM IN YOUR TRUNK, BUT YOU HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE

  • HIM.

  • F.D.R.'S VICE PRESIDENT, JOHN NANCE GARNER, WHO YOU NEVER

  • HEARD OF BECAUSE HE WAS VICE PRESIDENT, ONCE SAID, "THE VICE

  • PRESIDENCY IS NOT WORTH A BUCKET OF WARM SPIT."

  • A BUCKET OF WARM SPIT IS I'M GUESSING WHAT PENCE GETS WHEN HE

  • ORDERS SOUP IN A RESTAURANT.

  • TRUMP ISN'T LETTING THE COVID SURGE STOP HIM FROM CAMPAIGNING.

  • BETWEEN FRIDAY AND TODAY, HE HELD 11 CAMPAIGN EVENTS--

  • INCLUDING NINE RALLIES-- IN SEVEN STATES: FLORIDA, NORTH

  • CAROLINA, WISCONSIN, OHIO NEW HAMPSHIRE, MAINE, AND

  • PENNSYLVANIA, OR AS HISTORIANS WILL CALL THEM, "THE CORONA

  • BELT."

  • HE SPENT THE WEEKEND BLAMING THE PANDEMIC ON THE MEDIA.

  • >> THEY PROLONGED THE PANDEMIC.

  • THAT'S ALL I HEAR ABOUT NOW.

  • THAT'S ALL I HEAR.

  • TURN ON TELEVISION, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID,

  • COVID.

  • ON NOVEMBER 4th, YOU WON'T HEAR ABOUT IT ANYMORE.

  • >> Stephen: I WON'T, BECAUSE I WILL BE HUNG OVER.

  • BUT TRUMP DIDN'T JUST RAIL ON THE MEDIA FOR TALKING ABOUT

  • COVID, HE ALSO BLAMED THEM FOR HOW THEY TALK ABOUT ALL THE

  • NEW CASES: >> YOU USE THE WORD CASE BECAUSE

  • YOU'RE TRYING TO SCARE PEOPLE.

  • DON'T SCARE PEOPLE.

  • DON'T SCARE PEOPLE.

  • THE FACT IS THAT WE'RE DOING VERY WELL.

  • NOW, THE GOOD NEWS IS WE KNOW WHERE IT MAY BE.

  • THE BAD NEWS IS, ANYTIME YOU TEST, YOU'RE GOING TO COME UP

  • WITH CASES.

  • >> STEPHEN: SO, THE GOOD NEWS IS, WE KNOW WHERE IT IS.

  • THE BAD NEWS IS: EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK.

  • BUT AS UNIMPORTANT AS HE SAYS THIS PLAGUE IS, TRUMP ASSURED

  • HIS SUPPORTERS THAT HE'S THE ONLY GUY TO HANDLE IT:

  • >> WE UNDERSTAND THE DISEASE.

  • I UNDERSTAND IT BETTER THAN YOU.

  • I HAD IT.

  • WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT, RIGHT?

  • "SIR, YOU'VE TESTED POSITIVE."

  • I SAID, "TESTED POSITIVE FOR WHAT?"

  • >> STEPHEN: HOW MANY THINGS DOES HE GET

  • TESTED FOR?

  • (AS TRUMP) "TESTED POSITIVE FOR WHAT?

  • THE CLAP?

  • THE HERPS?

  • WHICH HEPATITIS DO I HAVE THIS TIME?

  • A, C-- I HOPE IT'S DOUBLE D'S."

  • IT WASN'T ALL COVID.

  • TRUMP ALSO TALKED ABOUT THE ELECTION AND TRIED TO APPEAL TO

  • AN IMPORTANT VOTING BLOCK: SENIORS.

  • >> BIDEN'S PLAN WOULD MEAN AMERICA'S SENIORS HAVE NO AIR

  • CONDITIONING DURING THE SUMMER.

  • NO HEAT DURING THE WINTER.

  • AND NO ELECTRICITY DURING PEAK HOURS.

  • IT'S TRUE.

  • >> STEPHEN: OKAY, IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO MAKE STUFF UP TO

  • SCARE THE OLDSTERS, WHY STOP THERE?

  • NO HEAT, NO A.C., BIDEN'S GOING TO PIERCE YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER'S

  • NOSE, HE'S GONNA CANCEL "WHEEL OF FORTUNE," HE'S GOING TO

  • OUTLAW THE CROCHETED THINGS YOU PUT OVER THE TOILET PAPER.

  • THE TOILETTE PAPER IS GOING TO BE NAKED AND CATCH A COLD!

  • IN ALAN HE HAD A CAMPAIGN PROMISE.

  • >> I'D LOVE TO JUST DRIVE OUT OF HERE.

  • JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS.

  • I HAD SUCH A GOOD LIFE.

  • MY LIFE WAS GREAT.

  • >> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, I THINK I SPEAK FOR MANY AMERICANS

  • WHEN I SAY GET THE TRUCK OUT OF HERE.

  • HEY!

  • HALLOWEEN'S COMING UP.

  • LET'S TALK ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

  • THANKS TO A REPORT IN THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL," WE'VE JUST