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[dog toy squeaks]
It's an airplane.
So anyone that knows me or has ever met my dogs
knows that I'm really good at dog parenting.
I've never had any dogs before Marbles
and Kermit, and they both just scream
very experienced dog owner.
Right? You're so well behaved.
I would describe my dog parenting style as selfish.
As in like me-selfish.
Like I just want love and affection.
So for all of you dog parents out there
here is my tutorial on how to parent your dog really, really, really good.
When you first get a new dog, make sure
that they know their place.
They're the dog and you're the boss.
It's a little baby puppy!
Okay, you're gonna learn where to sleep.
You have to sleep in the crate 'cause you're a dog.
You can sleep in the bed, yes you can!
Make sure you work hard to teach them
where the bathroom is so they don't piss
and shit everywhere.
When they have an accident in the house,
let them know that you're not happy.
Is that your poop?
Oh, it's okay. I forgive you!
Everybody has accidents, yeah!
At least you don't poop and pee on me like babies do.
Make sure you feed them a high quality
organic dog food.
What do you guys want for breakfast?
- You want chicken? - [dog begs]
- Or bacon? - [dog whimpers]
Do you want eggs?
Hi, yeah, can I get a chicken caesar salad and--hold on one second.
You guys want to split the filet tonight
or you feeling more like ahi tuna?
Alright, yeah, can I also get a ahi tuna, please.
You know what? Why don't you just make them both.
Then you guys can have dessert!
Make sure your dog gets plenty of exercise.
Alright, walk each other.
Don't let your small dog become a noisy barker.
Make sure they know when it's okay to bark.
[dog barks]
You guys, come on. Shh.
You guys, shh.
Come on guys, shh.
When you walk your dog, they should be
by your side and not walking you.
Get the bird!
Get 'em. Get the bird!
Ensure they know what the word no means
and when they're doing something you don't want them to do.
No, come on! No.
Make sure to bathe them regularly.
Ugh, you guys stink!
You need a bath. Fuck that.
I really don't want to do that.
Make sure your dogs wear their collars at all times.
You're naked! You're naked, yay!
Make sure that they master
the life saving commands like sit, come and stay
before teaching them any tricks.
Kermit, stay!
[sighs] Alright. High five!
Good enough.
Marble, come! Marble, come!
When driving with your dogs in the car,
make sure that they're under control.
[dogs whimper]
[Jenna] Kermit.
Remember: Your dogs are not your babies.
Only give them praise when it's appropriate.
Good burp, good ears!
Eyes, look at those eyes!
When you barked today, your bark was so loud!
Yeah, it was.
Don't be fooled by gimmicky, overpriced dog products
that you don't need.
$55 for a heated cat bed?
Worth it.
Window cat perch?
[chuckling] Worth it.
And lastly, make sure that your dog is socialized
so that they don't freak out
when they see other dogs.
[dogs bark frantically]
So as you can see, I'm pretty much like an expert.
Which is why I have the most well-behaved dogs in the world.
In all seriousness though, it's really hard
being a dog parent 'cause all you want to do
is spoil them rotten, but sometimes
that just makes you rotten.
Right, Marbles? I know I'm not the only one
that lets their dog just get away with fuckeries
sometimes because it's very hard to discipline
you when I love you so much.
Oh, good burp! Endless praise, endless.
Alright, so make sure you subscribe to our channel.
I put out videos every Wednesday.
Okay, you can have bacon, yeah.
Alright, so see you next week.
Say good byeeee!
Okay, now no barking.
[Jenna] Uh-oh. Uh-oh! Oh-ho-ho!
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How To Parent Your Dog

22744 Folder Collection
Halu Hsieh published on June 10, 2014    Elaine Liu translated    林曉玉 reviewed
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