WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMENT, WHEN DONALD TRUMP FIRST

CONTRACTED THE CORONAVIRUS, I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE,

HE WOULD EMERGE FROM THIS EXPERIENCE WITH A SHRED OF

HUMILITY, BECAUS HONESTLY NOTHING WOULD DISARM CRITICS

MORE THAN IF HE STOOD UP AND TOLD THE WORLD, "I WAS WRONG.

I LEARNED MY LESSON, AND I TRULY SYMPATHIZE WITH THE

WHO HAVE BEEN GRAVELY ILL OR LAST THEIR LIVES ON TO THIS

PANDEMIC.

I LEARNED MY LESSON, AND I TRULY SYMPATHIZE WITH THE

BUT I FORGOT ONE THING ABOUT TRUMP: HE NEVER DOES THAT.

HE NEVER CHANGES.

HE'S A TEFLON TROUT.

HE JUST SWIMS THROUGH ALL THE NORMAL EXPERIENCES OF THE WORLD

AND NOT A BARNACLE OF LEARNING STICKS TO HIM.

HE'S THE LEAST WISE PERSON IN HISTORY.

HE'S THE ANTI-SOLOMON.

( AS TRUMP ) "WHAT IF THIS TIME, WE SEWED TWO

BABIES TOGETHER?" THE STRAW THAT BROKE MY BRAIN'S

BACK WAS HIS DRAMATIC RETURN LAST NIGHT TO THE WHITE HOUSE

FROM WALTER REED ON MARINE ONE.

IT WAS TIMED SO IT COULD APPEAR LIVE ON THE EVENING NEWS, AND

EVERY BIT OF IT WAS PURE STRONGMAN PROPAGANDA.

HERE HE IS LEAVING THE HOSPITAL: THERE YOU GO.

PUMP YOUR FIST.

AND THEN SLOWLY TAPPING THE HANDRAIL. YOU'RE CONTAGIOUS.

STOP TOUCHING IT.

THEN BACK AT THE WHITE HOUSE, RATHER THAN USE THE USUAL

GROUND-LEVEL ENTRANCE, HE CLIMBED UP THE STAIRS.

ONLY DONALD TRUMP WOULD THINK CLIMBING STAIRS IS A FEAT OF

STRENGTH.

( AS TRUMP ) "NOW WATCH ME DRINK WATER WITH

ONE HAND, AND FOR MY FINAL TRICK, I WILL CLOSE THIS

UMBRELLA.

IT CAN'T BE DONE!

HOW DID YOU DO IT, MARY POPINS!" ONCE ON THE BALCONY, KIM JONG

DON REMOVED HIS MASK.

( AS TRUMP ) "I'M BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL, AND

JUST TO PUT ANY LINGERING DOUBTS TO REST:

I'VE LEARNED NOTHING.

KNEEL BEFORE ME, YE WEAK AND WITHERED, AND INHALE MY

PRECIOUS DROPLETS!" TRUMP WANTED THIS TO BE A SHOW

OF STRENGTH, BUT MOMENTS AFTER TAKING OFF HIS MASK, HE WAS

CLEARLY STRUGGLING TO BREATHE.

STILL, IT'S A STRONG LOOK.

BECAUSE NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO ARE FAMOUS FOR

THEIR BALCONIES: MUSSOLINI, SADDAM, JULIET.

IT WAS ALL STUPID, BUT HERE'S THE STUPIDEST PART.

AFTER LEAVING THE BALCONY AND GOING INTO THE WHITE HOUSE, HE

WENT BACK OUT AND WAS SEEN RE-SHOOTING HIS ENTRANCE INTO

THE WHITE HOUSE.

YOU DON'T GET TO DO RE-SHOOTS OF ACTUAL IMPORTANT MOMENTS.

"OKAY, HONEY, I HAD THE LENS CAP ON.

HEY, DOC, CAN WE PUT THE BABY BACK IN?

GET A SHOEHORN.

SORRY, DOCTORS, EVERYBODY, BACK TO ONE!

REMEMBER, YOU'RE IN PAIN, AND PUSH!"

IT'S MAGICAL.

IT SEEMED LIKE THE WHOLE THING WAS PROPAGANDA.

AND IT REALLY SEEMED LIKE IT WAS PROPAGANDA WHEN THEY RELEASED IT

AS PROPAGANDA: ♪ ♪ ♪

AS PROPAGANDA: ♪ ♪ ♪

>> Stephen: GOOD GERBILS.

NOT ONLY WAS THAT CAMPAIGN PROPAGANDA, IT'S ALSO A TRAILER

FOR THE UPCOMING MOVIE, "TRIUMPH OF THE ILL."

TRUMP COMING HOME AND TAKING OFF THE MASK REALLY SENDS A BAD

MESSAGE.

IN FACT, THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN THE MESSAGE THIS SENT IS

THE ACTUAL MESSAGE HE SENT: >> I LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT

CORONAVIRUS.

AND ONE THING THAT'S FOR CERTAIN, DON'T LET IT DOMINATE

YOU.

DON'T BE AFRAID OF IT.

YOU'RE GONNA BEAT IT.

>> Stephen: ONCE AGAIN, HE LEARNS NOTHING.

HE'S LIKE IF SCROOGE WOKE UP ON CHRISTMAS MORNING AND SAID,

"I'VE BEEN VISITED BY THREE GHOSTS.

pDON'T BE AFRAID OF THEM, FOLKS, AND DON'T LET THEM DOMINATE YOU.

I JUST PUT ON MY BOSE NOISE- CANCELING HEADPHONES AND SLEPT

LIKE A GIN-SOAKED BABY.

THE POINT IS, I'M GOING TO INFECT TINY TIM WITH

CORONAVIRUS.

SOMEBODY GET ME A GOOSE."

HE'S GOING TO LICK THE GOOSE AND GIVE IT TO THE KRACHET FAMILY.

I THINK THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

BUT TRUMP HAS GOOD REASON TO BE POSITIVE ABOUT THE VIRUS.

>> WE HAVE THE BEST MEDICAL EQUIPMENT.

WE HAVE THE BEST MEDICINES, ALL DEVELOPED RECENTLY.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "WE HAVE THE BEST MEDICINE.

WE ALL HAVE EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENTS THAT NOBODY ELSE HAS

GOTTEN.

WE ALL HAVE THE BEST HELICOPTER TO FLY US TO AND FROM OUR

PUBLICLY SUBSIDIZED MANSION THAT ITSELF CONTAINS AN IN-HOME

INTENSIVE CARE UNIT ITSELF.

WE'RE DEFINITELY GONNA BEAT THIS VIRUS.

THAT'S WHAT WE ALL HAVE.

NOT SURE ABOUT YOU ALL, THOUGH.

WE ALL HAVE THAT."

ONE OF THE REASONS TRUMP WAS FEELING SO PEPPY IS THAT HE'S

JACKED UP ON THE STEROID DEXAMETHASONE.

STEROIDS CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INVINCIBLE.

I'VE HAD THEM.

YOU GO FROM "I CAN BARELY STAND UP" TO "I'LL PUNCH A TIGER IN

THE NUTS!" WORK IT LIKE A SPEED BAG.

OF COURSE, IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME A PRESIDENT HAS RETURNED TO

THE WHITE HOUSE ON STEROIDS.

EISENHOWER HAD A HEART ATTACK, AND WHEN HE RETURNED TO THE

WHITE HOUSE, HE LOOKED LIKE THIS.

IKE SMASH!

ULTIMATELY, TRUMP HAD A SIMPLE REPETITIVE MESSAGE FOR THE

COUNTRY: GO OUT AND GET SOME SICK.

>> DON'T LET IT DOMINATE.

DON'T LET IT TAKE OVER YOUR LIVES.

WE'RE GOING BACK, WE'RE GOING BACK TO WORK.

WE'RE GONNA BE OUT FRONT.

AS YOUR LEADER, I HAD TO DO THAT.

I KNEW THERE'S DANGER TO IT, BUT I HAD TO DO IT.

I STOOD OUT FRONT.

I LED.

NOBODY THAT'S A LEADER WOULD NOT DO WHAT I DID.

AND I KNOW THERE'S A RISK, THERE'S A DANGER, BUT THAT'S

OKAY.

AND NOW I'M BETTER, AND MAYBE I'M IMMUNE.

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT DON'T LET IT DOMINATE YOUR LIVES.

GET OUT THERE.

BE CAREFUL.

>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S A MIXED IT'S LIKE A FIRE MARSHALL

SAYING, "DON'T LET THE FIRE DOMINATE YOU.

WALK DIRECTLY INTO THE FLAMES, YOU COWARDS!

BE CAREFUL."

THEN TO REINFORCE HIS CALL TO MAKE AMERICA A DEATH CULT AGAIN,

TRUMP TWEETED, "FLU SEASON IS COMING UP!

MANY PEOPLE EVERY YEAR, SOMETIMES OVER 100,000, AND

DESPITE THE VACCINE, DIE FROM THE FLU.

ARE WE GOING TO CLOSE DOWN OUR COUNTRY?

NO, WE HAVE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH IT, JUST LIKE WE ARE LEARNING TO

LIVE WITH COVID, IN MOST POPULATIONS, FAR LESS LETHAL!"

ADDING, "DON'T FEAR THE REAPER, BABY.

TAKE MY HAND.

DON'T FEAR THE REAPER, WE'LL BE ABLE TO FLY.

BABY I'M YOUR MAN, CORONA-NA-NA-NA."

NEEDS MORE COW BELL.

OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, WHAT YOU WROTE WAS WRONG.

HOW WRONG?

IT WAS PULLED DOWN BY FACEBOOK.

SECOND, YOU HAVE COVID, AND YOU'RE TRYING TO CHANGE THE

SUBJECT TO OTHER DISEASES.

IT REMINDS ME OF THAT SCENE IN "JAWS."

>> THE FLU STILL KILLS MORE PEOPLE A YEAR!

>> Stephen: SO HOW DID THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD CATCH A

VIRUS THAT MOST AMERICANS HAVE SUCCESSFULLY AVOIDED?

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THE WHITE HOUSE'S PREVENTION STRATEGY--

THEY DON'T HAVE ONE.

INSTEAD OF USING PROVEN COVID SAFETY MEASURES LIKE MASKS AND

SOCIAL DISTANCING, THE WHITE HOUSE USED A TEST WITH A 10% TO

20% FALSE NEGATIVE RATE.

TESTING ALONE DOESN'T STOP YOU FROM GETTING THE VIRUS.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "BABE, SHOULD WE USE A CONDOM?"

AND SHE SAID, "DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST EVERY MORNING, SO WE'RE GOING."

THE PRESIDENT MUST BE FEELING BETTER, OR AT LEAST FEELING

MANIC, BECAUSE AFTER WEEKS OF BACK AND FORTH WITH NANCY

PELOSI, THIS AFTERNOON, TRUMP HALTED COVID-19 RELIEF TALKS

UNTIL AFTER THE ELECTION.

THAT MEANS NO ADDITIONAL UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS FOR

MILLIONS OF AMERICANS WHO ARE OUT OF WORK.

TRUMP'S DOCTORS MIGHT NOT BE TELLING US ABOUT WHAT SIDE

EFFECTS HE HAS FROM COVID-19 BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE: IT'S

IT'S NOT AN ENLARGED HEART.

COME ON, MR. PRESIDENT.

WE'VE SEEN YOUR TAXES.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE BROKE.