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  • - Ross and Rachel, where are you now?

  • - They're in the suburbs with the baby I think.

  • - Oh, they should do a reunion.

  • - Oh, that's an, that's a new idea.

  • Yeah. Nobody's ever thought

  • of a friends reunion before. - [laughing]

  • Hi, I'm Laura Heck.

  • I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist,

  • certified Gottman therapist and cohost,

  • of marriage therapy radio.

  • - Hi, I'm Zach Brittle.

  • I'm a certified Gottman therapist

  • in private practice in Seattle, Washington.

  • I'm also the co-host of marriage therapy radio

  • with Laura Heck.

  • - Zack and I are back with vanity fair,

  • to take a look at the relationship

  • between Ross and Rachel on friends.

  • [upbeat music]

  • Ross has harbored a secret crush on Rachel

  • since the ninth grade.

  • They went to the same high school

  • and their families were friends.

  • As teens, Ross was sort of a nerd

  • and Rachel was quite popular.

  • - As an adult, Ross gets divorced from his wife

  • because she turns out to fall in love with another woman.

  • Rachel leaves her fiance at the alter

  • and they all connect together in this coffee shop

  • and begin this journey

  • that we watched for 10 years called friends.

  • - What are you doing here?

  • Well, you said you couldn't go out,

  • so, - You brought a picnic.

  • Oh, what a boyfriend.

  • That's it. On Monday, I start wearing makeup,

  • [crowd applause]

  • - Ross honey, this is very nice, but I got a crisis.

  • - Yeah , but I've got couscous

  • [crowd applause]

  • - If we're just talking like pure relationship dynamic,

  • it's pretty bad when you can't pick up on your

  • partners explicit cues, and she's doing her best.

  • She's trying, but she's don't got much to work with here.

  • - [audience laughing]

  • - [laughs] Pepper?

  • - I think he's also so focused on what he wants

  • and that can be so frustrating in a relationship

  • when you are so focused on what your desires are,

  • and what you want rather than paying attention

  • to what your partner is literally saying to you.

  • - I think that's actually a really good point,

  • particularly when you think again

  • about the trajectory that the two of them are on.

  • He's been trying to woo her for decades

  • and she's kind of late to the party.

  • So he's actually living into his dream

  • and he's not gonna blow it.

  • So, I'll give him at least that.

  • - Ross, you're not listening to me.

  • I don't have time to stop.

  • - Come on Rachael, you don't have what

  • 10 minutes, - I don't have 10 minutes,

  • - Sophie, does she have

  • 10 minutes, - Ross - I told you I don't.

  • - I have to say when he turns to,

  • the first time I watched this, when he turns to, secretary.

  • I think they called them secretaries back then, and says,

  • "Hey, does she have 10 minutes"?

  • That would send me over the edge.

  • Clearly she's already escalated.

  • She's already stayed feeling like she's internally chaotic.

  • And now he's saying,

  • "Hey, I don't believe what you're saying about yourself".

  • And he turns to her assistant and that I would yell.

  • - Don't yell at me.

  • Okay, this is the most I've seen you all week.

  • - Look I cannot do this right now, Okay.

  • I've got a deadline!

  • - I think there's a very important alignment issue here,

  • that when you're not aligned,

  • you're not going to have effective communication period.

  • To me, when you wanna know what people's priorities are,

  • you follow their time and their money.

  • And so what she's basically saying is,

  • you're not a priority for me,

  • because I don't have 10 minutes for you.

  • And that would be frustrating as well.

  • - I disagree.

  • I think that if someone says,

  • I'm gonna be in the middle of a shit storm right now

  • at work, and I need to get this done.

  • And then you walk in and you say what you just said,

  • you know what?

  • I'm more important, My desires,

  • what I haven't planned for you

  • is more important than this right now.

  • Setting up a boundary and saying

  • I'm in the middle of something

  • and I know that I'm not gonna be able to attune to you,

  • or to be present for you.

  • So when I get home,

  • that's when we can celebrate the anniversary.

  • That's when we can talk.

  • - Would you just go home?

  • I'll talk to you later.

  • - Yeah buy why, - Good bye.

  • [mumbles]

  • - Now I think 100% your right.

  • I don't think this is an appropriate way

  • to request your time,

  • but you gotta remember this other piece too,

  • that he threw in there.

  • He said, this is the most I've seen you all week.

  • So she's made a more comprehensive decision

  • about where she's putting her time

  • than just these 10 minutes.

  • So, I think if couples are gonna thrive,

  • they need to make sure

  • that they create space for one another.

  • Certainly within the context of a week,

  • maybe not within the context of,

  • Hey, I just barged in on your workplace.

  • - Look, about what happened earlier.

  • - [mumbling]

  • I completely understand you were stressed.

  • - I was gonna give you a chance to apologize to me!

  • - For what, for letting you throw me out of your office.

  • You had no rights coming down to my office Ross.

  • You do not bring a picnic basket to somebody's work,

  • unless maybe they were a park ranger.

  • - Excuse me, for wanting to be with my girlfriend

  • on our anniversary.

  • Boy, what an ass am I?

  • - That's defensiveness, FYI, in case you're watching this.

  • Oh, pity me, I did something and I'm not to be at fault.

  • So he's just, he's being defensive at the moment.

  • - Well, and I think the other piece too,

  • is this idea that you talk about a lot, which is kind of,

  • for some reason, she's got on her like a dark lenses.

  • You call them shit covered glasses.

  • - But I told you I didn't have the time.

  • - Yeah, well you never have the time.

  • Shit colored glasses.

  • It's really just this negative perspective.

  • So in the research,

  • you can either be in positive sentiment override where you

  • really look at your relationship,

  • you scan for the positives.

  • You're constantly on the lookout

  • for what you love and appreciate about your partner

  • and about your relationship.

  • Or you can be in negative sentiment override.

  • Negative sentiment override is where,

  • you find yourself really easily interpreting

  • neutral stimuli and your relationship as more negative.

  • Or you find that you're really just like on the lookout

  • for ways that your partner is hurting you

  • or betraying you or missing the Mark.

  • And, and I think in this instance,

  • just this one gesture of Ross showing up

  • with this picnic basket and offering a kind,

  • I think all of us could look at that and go,

  • Oh, that's so sweet.

  • I mean, we even see that with the assistant.

  • - That's it, on Monday I start wearing makeup.

  • [Audience applaud]

  • - Her lenses are more accurate than Rachel's at this point.

  • Cause she goes, that's so sweet.

  • And the way that Rachel looks at it is through negative

  • sentiment override, which takes time

  • to creep in for you to get to the place

  • where your relationship is overdrawn.

  • And you're you're misinterpreting

  • actions in the relationship.

  • - They aren't in a healthy, foundational space,

  • because if they were,

  • and he shows up with the basket,

  • which is effectively, it's an interpretable act,

  • Am I gonna interpret it as an intrusion as a relief.

  • And I'm more likely to interpret it as a relief

  • when the foundation is intact.

  • - For a week, they haven't connected.

  • And if you are feeling like there's been disconnection,

  • you think of like this

  • emotional bank account between the two of you.

  • And all week long, you've just been making

  • all of these withdrawals, Cause you're busy,

  • you're stressed out at work.

  • You're not able to be with your partner.

  • And then all of a sudden Ross

  • shows up with this beautiful gesture.

  • And the lens that she's looking at that through

  • is interpreting that this is him barging in

  • rather than making a sweet gesture and saying,

  • I just wanna spend time with you.

  • Ross, what do you want from me?

  • You want me to quit my job

  • so you can feel like you have a girlfriend.

  • - No, but it would be nice if you'd realize

  • that it's just a job,

  • - Just a job.

  • - Yes.

  • - There's so many things happening here

  • that just make the spiral go down even further.

  • Because, what we know about Rachel is that she had been

  • working at the coffee shop and now she's working in a job

  • that is her dream job.

  • And he says, it's just a job,

  • which completely minimize her dream and her importance.

  • - Ross, do you realize this is the first time in my life.

  • I'm doing something I actually care about.

  • This is the first time in my life,

  • I'm doing something that I'm actually good at.

  • That to me is her saying, you don't know me.

  • Cause if you knew me, if you cared about me,

  • if you were honoring my dreams,

  • then you would recognize that this is a big deal.

  • And when I'm stressed out, and I need to get something done

  • or want to accomplish something at work.

  • It's because it's not just about work.

  • It's about the dream.

  • - We should just take a break.

  • - Okay, fine.

  • You're right, let's take a break.

  • Let's cool off, let's get some frozen yogurt or something.

  • - Perfect idea, take a break.

  • Go get some frozen yogurt separately.

  • - No!

  • - No, this is it.

  • - [exhales deeply]

  • A break from us.

  • - Do you call that stonewalling?

  • He leaves the room.

  • - Yeah, I mean, stonewalling

  • is basically just shutting down from your partner.

  • When you become a Stonewall, you're not engaging.

  • You're not speaking, your non-verbals aren't present.

  • They grab their keys, they leave, they go for a drive.

  • Stonewalling is without agreement.

  • Taking a break however can be incredibly helpful.

  • And that would have been had they followed this and said,

  • you know what, why don't we take a break?

  • And Rachel would have bate her tongue rather than saying,

  • I need a break from us.

  • My guess is that

  • they would have calmed down,

  • cause right now they're in sort of

  • Diffused Physiological Arousal [DPA]

  • of what we consider fight or flight.

  • they're flooded.

  • And you just can't have a good conversation

  • with your partner when you're flooded.

  • And in order to combat that,

  • taking a break would have been a great idea.

  • Let's calm down, and then let's talk about this,

  • because whatever happened up until this point,

  • has not been effective, clear, empathetic, generous

  • communication between the two of us.

  • - And kind of what happens next is the result of not

  • effectively ending this argument

  • in a way that would set you up for success

  • or set you up for repair anyway.

  • But I think the moment she says,

  • let's take a break,

  • and he doesn't understand what she means.

  • And then she says, no, this is what I mean.

  • He needs to stay right there

  • and make sure that they have an agreement

  • about what they mean about the break.

  • Cause that's really the problem with what happens next.

  • They don't have an agreement about what the break means.

  • And so if they're gonna end that conversation effectively,

  • they have to find agreement about what the break means.

  • But I think you're exactly right.

  • If they had taken a break and gone to get some yogurt,

  • they may have stayed, much more connected because

  • it's the arousal that was the problem.

  • Not the argument itself.

  • - I find that a lot of couples, they end up there,

  • everything escalates and then they say, we need to separate.

  • We need to take a break.

  • And the whole reason why they wanna take a break

  • is because the pain is too great.

  • They've gotten to that threshold where it's like,

  • it's gonna be easier for us to stop C-section

  • and take a break than it is for us to continue forward.

  • But that doesn't mean that your job is done.

  • At that point, now you have a whole lot of things

  • that you need to script out,

  • write out, come up to some agreement.

  • What does break mean?

  • Does it mean that we text each other?

  • Does it mean that we call one another?

  • Does it mean that we don't see each other?

  • Does it mean that we don't show up at parties

  • where we know the other person's going to be,

  • do we date other people?

  • There's a lot of things that you need to establish.

  • Otherwise, there's so many opportunities

  • where you're going to get it wrong, and then be hurt.

  • You're not setting yourself up for success.

  • - Just get away from me.

  • - It was a mistake.

  • I made a mistake, Okay.

  • - A mistake?

  • Where were you trying to put it in, her purse?

  • [audience laughs]

  • You know what?

  • I want you to leave, get out of here,

  • just get out now! No, I know.

  • I wanna stay, I want to talk about this.

  • - There's no chance this conversation goes well

  • while they're escalated.

  • There's absolutely zero chance.

  • So, the idea that he should leave, maybe it's actually true.

  • But I think the thing about stonewalling in particular

  • is the leaving has the promise of a return.

  • And so we have to assume that

  • if they're gonna find a way to deescalate,

  • it's gotta be together.

  • - You know what, I'm not the one that wanted that break.

  • You're the one that bailed on us.

  • You're the one that ran

  • the Moment things got just a little rough.

  • - That's - That's what?

  • - The thing about infidelity is that,

  • I think there's lots of different profiles.

  • They're talking about two different things almost because,

  • Ross is concerned about this present figure

  • in the relationship that that has been a threat

  • to him for a time, despite Rachel's protestations,

  • that she hasn't been with him at all.

  • That's kinda different than the one night stand

  • you have with the girl that you met at the store

  • in terms of the profiles are different.

  • They're just very different types of infidelity.

  • - That is neither here nor there.

  • - Okay, Well, here we are.

  • Now we're in a tough spot again Rich.

  • What do you wanna do?

  • How do you wanna handle this. Okay, [laughing] first of all,

  • he stands up, now he's standing taller than her

  • and he's pointing his finger at her.

  • Like Rachel, you stand up girl or just tell him to sit down.

  • But that's a really awkward,

  • that's not gonna go anywhere.

  • Just the body language alone

  • is not healthy in this communication.

  • - I did a terrible, stupid, stupid thing.

  • Okay. And I'm sorry.

  • I wish I could take it back, but I can't.

  • - No Ross, don't!

  • - That was a pretty good apology until the kissing.

  • - And it's really interesting how he can switch.

  • I mean, it's funny cause,

  • it's actually a pretty accurate portrayal of how people

  • in the moment, like they're trying

  • anything they possibly can to feel heard.

  • And so he stands up, he points his finger.

  • He gets frustrated, gets intense.

  • Then he's like, this isn't working.

  • So he sits down and gets calm, he softens.

  • He starts talking about how much he loves her.

  • And it's like, you are willing to just pull out

  • anything you can to get to your partner.

  • And interestingly, I mean the listener is really

  • the one who's gonna determine whether or not

  • they're able to hear what you have to say.

  • - When you said the listener is the one gets to say,

  • I almost thought about me, the viewer.

  • I get to decide too,

  • I get to decide whether or not I'm gonna forgive Ross.

  • Do you have that notion?

  • Do you wanna forgive him?

  • - Yeah, I do, I had a lot of empathy at that moment

  • because all of this started off with him trying

  • to reach across the gap, the chasm,

  • and bring an anniversary,

  • celebrate their love together,

  • And all within a matter of 24 hours,

  • he's the one who's saying,

  • I haven't seen you.

  • I care about you.

  • I wanna celebrate our love,

  • to then going out and feeling like he's in pain

  • and trying to make himself feel better.

  • But yeah, I do wanna forgive him,

  • and I do have empathy for him.

  • - I used to think of somebody that would never,

  • ever hurt me ever.

  • God, and now I just can't stop picturing you with her.

  • It kinda doesn't matter you say or what you do Ross.

  • It's just changed everything.

  • - When there's been a betrayal like this,

  • Rachel is exactly right.

  • You aren't the same person,

  • or you're certainly aren't in the same relationship.

  • So what's interesting too though is like,

  • often I'll say to clients

  • who have had an affair of some sort.

  • I'll ask them this.

  • "Hey, if I asked you two years ago,

  • 'if you would ever have an affair, what would you say"?

  • And they would say,

  • "no, of course I would say no, I'd never do that".

  • And so in that way,

  • Ross in this case is also not the same person

  • that he was to himself.

  • He used to be a guy who would never have an affair.

  • And now he's not that guy.

  • And so he has to come to terms with that reality,

  • that he's a new person,

  • and she has to get to know that person.

  • And if their relationship is gonna recover,

  • it's gonna be because they agree to, again, pivot.

  • - Pivot,

  • [audience applause]

  • - Pivot!

  • - When something is broken, it needs to be repaired.

  • And the thing that's really cool about really good,

  • fair work or really good betrayal work is that often,

  • the thing that lives on the other side of the break,

  • can be stronger than the thing that existed before it.

  • But that's really what's happening right now,

  • is that they don't have a clear path to

  • deposit betrayal agreement.

  • Could he have done differently?

  • I think he could have probably left like six hours ago

  • and given her some space that she needed

  • because this conversation going on

  • until three o'clock in the morning,

  • doesn't have a safe landing strip.

  • - This can't be it.

  • - Then how come it is?

  • - I wish there was a hard and fast rule that basically said,

  • if you haven't solved it in two hours,

  • or you haven't come to some sort of resolution

  • or decided that you're not going to come to a resolution

  • now it's time to take a break.

  • And by break I mean, actually take a break from each other

  • and a pause, hit a pause and then come back.

  • I wish there was a hard and fast rule because

  • I don't know if there's a whole lot

  • that can be accomplished.

  • But there does need to be,

  • this conversation seems like it needs to happen.

  • There needs to be a, this is how this makes me feel,

  • why did this happen?

  • They need to have this sort of conversation.

  • But I don't know if anything good comes from it,

  • after you're exhausted and hungry and tired and lonely

  • and already in that state of just being really flooded.

  • - Ross, you dint tell me, you're a doctor.

  • - Wow well wait a minute.

  • You haven't even told her that you are a doctor yet.

  • How long have you known her, like an hour?

  • So since the last scene of them breaking up,

  • many years have passed.

  • They're not together, but surprise, surprise.

  • They have a baby together, and they're living together and

  • they're also seeing other people.

  • - There is an amazing connection between us.

  • - You feel it too?

  • Oh, I thought that that was just me.

  • [audience laughs] Are you kidding?

  • - So, Ross is playing a game.

  • This is pretty classic Ross.

  • Like I'm gonna indirectly get the thing that I want,

  • which is always Rachel's attention.

  • He always wants Rachel's attention.

  • - Okay Ross, What's going on here?

  • Are we just bringing strange women

  • back to the apartment now?

  • - I don't know, are we just kissing guys on balconies?

  • - How do you know about that?

  • - Through the magic of sight.

  • - Does she owe him the conversation

  • to say I'm seeing other people?

  • - I guess it kind of depends on what their agreement is.

  • - You've been out there in bars

  • and on balconies for over a month now,

  • and you didn't even have the courtesy to tell me.

  • - It's one thing to say,

  • I'm very uncomfortable with you having men over here

  • and sleeping with them, while our baby is in the next room.

  • Maybe that's a legit boundary

  • for this style of relationship,

  • but I don't want you to like meet people at a bar.

  • I don't understand the basis of that right now.

  • - Who do you think you are?

  • Who are you to decide what messages

  • I should or should not get?

  • - Who am I? - Yes

  • - I'm the guy who's taking care of our baby

  • while you're out at bars meeting guys.

  • - Oh my God, I cannot believe you.

  • You know I actually came in here

  • hoping to have a mature conversation with you about us.

  • - So you try something, you say,

  • "Hey, we have a kid let's live together, let's do this".

  • And I think the agreement should always be

  • let's reevaluate the situation.

  • If you've come up with some sort of an agreement,

  • then say, well, let's reevaluate this in like three months

  • and see what's working, what's not working,

  • Because the way that they're doing this,

  • like they are having the uncrumble conversation

  • of this doesn't work anymore.

  • And it's okay to change midstream.

  • - You know what, this doesn't Work.

  • In fact this is the opposite of working.

  • - Clearly.

  • - Maybe this just doesn't make sense anymore.

  • - Yeah, maybe not.

  • - Friends ran for 10 seasons and you gotta figure out

  • that Ross was with Rachel or into Rachel for,

  • 20 years before it started, or maybe maybe 10 15 or so.

  • So their story is pretty long.

  • Their story is about 25 years long.

  • And anthropologically, relationships only have

  • about a three year life cycle.

  • And so, if they were in,

  • let's call it 18 years of relationship,

  • but six different versions of their relationship.

  • And I think what we just watched was something that,

  • we actually did see the end of one of them perhaps.

  • And I think couples do this sometimes where they go,

  • I can't do this anymore.

  • And I think what they really mean is,

  • I can't do this like this.

  • And so there needs to be a renegotiation of terms.

  • - There is this Constant evolution,

  • almost like a shedding of a skin.

  • And if couples are willing to stay flexible and say,

  • okay, we're changing, We're growing, we're evolving.

  • There's gonna be a shedding of the skin.

  • And then they can evolve into their next three years.

  • They weren't married when they had their child,

  • but that's actually like relatively new for the nineties.

  • I would say it's much more of an option now,

  • for couples that have had babies together.

  • to look at these untraditional or non traditional ways of

  • living together and having family together,

  • that includes loved ones,

  • includes like the baby mama or baby daddy,

  • but not necessarily in a romantic role.

  • But what we're seeing is the reason why this doesn't work

  • is cause they both have feelings for each other.

  • That part is obvious in how they're talking about

  • these other people.

  • Rachel actually does get jealous about this other woman,

  • because she does have feelings for Ross.

  • But just because you have feelings for someone,

  • doesn't necessarily mean you want

  • to be in a relationship with them

  • or that you know you should be in a relationship with them.

  • And I think that that's the constant tension

  • that they're pulling on is, I have feelings for you.

  • You are family to me,

  • but I don't know if we should be in a relationship .

  • If we are good in a relationship.

  • - Thank you for coming with me today.

  • - Of course.

  • - Rachael Green is very happy you're in her room.

  • [audience applaud]

  • - Me too, come here.

  • - I just don't wanna be alone tonight.

  • Okay, Well, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag or,

  • [adience applaud]

  • - [mumbling] see the dynamic shift.?

  • For a couple of episodes.

  • We've seen him be the primary sort of pursuer,

  • and now she's gone into the pursuer space which is,

  • certainly given the trauma that she's experiencing,

  • that makes sense.

  • But good on Ross for maintaining a boundary.

  • - You are upSet about your father

  • and you were feeling vulnerable

  • and I just don't feel it would be right.

  • I feel like I'd be taking advantage of you.

  • - Take the advantage, I am giving you the advantage, enjoy.

  • [audience applaud]

  • - I'm sure it would be great.

  • But I think one of us has to be thinking clearly.

  • So I'm gonna go.

  • - Terry Real talks about how couples

  • quite often will sort of vacillate

  • between being the adult and then being the wounded child.

  • And in this moment, she's quite literally the wounded child

  • while her father is in the hospital.

  • And, the thing that I love is he says, you can be wounded.

  • And there are certainly moments where we need to be able

  • to show up and be the wounded child,

  • but only one of you gets to be the wounded child

  • at any given time.

  • Which means that he recognized, like you're hurting,

  • you're in pain and that's a space that you need to be in,

  • in this moment.

  • But that doesn't mean that I also get to get swept off

  • and be in the moment like this and make mistakes,

  • where it probably isn't gonna serve our relationship.

  • I need to stand my ground as the adult

  • to make adult decisions.

  • Which is quite often being able to resist

  • your urges that come up.

  • - In the future, When a girl asks for some

  • ill advised sympathy, sex, just do it.

  • - I can't believe this.

  • I'm just being a good guy.

  • You know what?

  • To avoid this little thing in the future.

  • Let's just say, you and me, never having sex again.

  • That's right, sex is off the table.

  • I am never having sex with you again.

  • - It's not fair that she said that she blamed him

  • for how she's feeling.

  • He did operate as the functional adult in in that scenario.

  • - She wanted to feel comforted,

  • and she's reaching out for Ross

  • in a way where she knows that

  • he is someone that she can trust.

  • And so she's reaching for him.

  • And I think that there is a graceful exit.

  • Which is exactly what he did.

  • So I think he did everything right.

  • Saying, I think that we need to take a moment.

  • I think I need to go away.

  • I will see you in the morning.

  • When he's showing up for her

  • and all the ways that she needs,

  • except for drawing a boundary and saying no to sex,

  • which I think is a perfectly fine boundary.

  • - And notably this scene plays really differently

  • if the genders are switched.

  • I think that we just have to acknowledge that,

  • it's okay to set a boundary and say no.

  • And we would absolutely say that if it was Ross

  • making his move on Rachel and then

  • tried to shame her for not sleeping with him.

  • - 100%

  • - It's kind of hard though.

  • [audience laughs] Two people have a connection,

  • that just seems like Such waste.

  • - I was just thinking about how these two have been like

  • breaking up for 10 years now,

  • they've never quite figured it out.

  • Which is tough because it it's like a wound that they keep

  • scratching at and it never really heals.

  • And they just are like,

  • I'm just gonna scratch it a little bit more today.

  • And I thought maybe, just maybe

  • they were getting somewhere with this.

  • Being able to say, we're not ever going to have sex again.

  • But Nope, Rachel just went in there

  • and she gave it a good scratch.

  • - Ross,

  • - Yes.

  • - Just so you know, with us, that's never off the table.

  • - I don't think it's a choice.

  • I don't think that they made a choice

  • to have it always on the table.

  • I just think it's true.

  • And you know what,

  • different rules exist for different couples.

  • That's just the deal.

  • And for these guys, they have a very intimate relationship.

  • That includes being able to be there for one another,

  • like they're most vulnerable.

  • It includes being able to yell at each other.

  • And apparently it includes being able to have sex forever.

  • And anytime, whenever it's not off the table,

  • then that works for them.

  • - I'm wanting to disagree whether or not it works for them.

  • I think it works well enough.

  • But do I think that their relationship could be better

  • stronger if there were clearer boundaries between

  • Ross and Rachel?

  • Probably, I think that we need to be able

  • to know where the boundary is

  • that we can take it right up to the boundary

  • and then back off.

  • But any time the two of them get into a place where

  • all of a sudden they notice like one person

  • is starting to cross the boundary,

  • I think that's when they get squarely,

  • the relationship gets more complicated, more stressful.

  • And like we saw in the hospital room,

  • That was an unnecessary blowup between the two of them,

  • because it was an open-ended boundary

  • between the two of them.

  • I would hate to be the other person.

  • So if Ross gets a girlfriend or fiance,

  • or I don't know where,

  • I would hate to be the other person in this triad.

  • Because there is always gonna be that third party.

  • There can't be a full connection between

  • Ross and another person or Rachel and another person,

  • as long as you still continue to have this weird boundary

  • between you and your baby mama or your baby daddy.

  • I think most of us do most of our growing

  • from making mistakes, and clearly Rachel and Ross

  • have had many mistakes along the way,

  • and you can't help but just grow

  • from those opportunities of learning,

  • what works, what doesn't work.

  • They still have it on the table.

  • It continues to be on the table for the two of them,

  • because maybe along the way,

  • they have learned that, even though it does hurt,

  • sometimes it's worth it for the two of them to be together.

  • - There's something really, really powerful, frankly about,

  • relationships that are formed in your youth,

  • that you continue into your adulthood.

  • And, you know, again, these guys were inevitable.

  • And they were inevitable

  • cause they were written characters on a sitcom.

  • But I think there is,

  • I'm glad that we ended here because,

  • there's the reminder that they have a secure attachment

  • and that they really do have each other's

  • best interests at heart.

  • Ultimately Ross and Rachel end up together.

  • And it's because of their friendship.

  • It's because they show up for each other.

  • It's because they are deeply familiar with one another,

  • it's because they they're attracted to one another,

  • and they let each other know the longterm success

  • of their relationship is really based on the foundation

  • of really solid.

  • I mean they're friends.

  • It's right there in the title.

  • So that was Ross and Rachel from friends,

  • they've come a long way over the last 10 years

  • or the 10 years that they were on TV

  • and it was fun hanging out with them.

  • - Thanks Vanity for ever having us,

  • as we had an opportunity to take a look at just how much

  • relationships evolve over time.

  • - This show has a warm spot in my heart.

  • - Great way of waste the nineties.

- Ross and Rachel, where are you now?

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