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  • -Welcome back to "The Tonight Show."

  • Well, everybody, making jokes during times like these

  • is difficult, but it's my job to try and make people laugh

  • and feel better, even if just for a little while.

  • So, with that in mind, let's tell some jokes.

  • Last night, President Trump made another stop

  • on his great American COVID tour,

  • this time in Pennsylvania,

  • at the Pittsburgh International Airport.

  • There was quite a turnout at the airport rally.

  • Take a look at this photo.

  • For any parents watching, if you ran out of

  • "Where's Waldo?" books for your kids during quarantine,

  • just hand them this photo and tell them to find

  • a Trump supporter wearing a mask.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You gotta give Trump credit for one thing --

  • this had to be the first time in history people were excited

  • to spend a Tuesday night at the Pittsburgh airport.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump was on stage for 90 minutes,

  • and I think there was some things he could've skipped,

  • like here when he questioned why Joe Biden always wears a mask.

  • Listen to this.

  • -He feels good about the mask, and that's okay.

  • You know what? Whatever makes you feel good.

  • He feels good. He feels good.

  • I mean, honestly, what the hell did he spend all that money

  • on the plastic surgery if he's gonna cover it up

  • with a mask? [ Laughter ]

  • -Yep, according to those closest to him,

  • Trump's never had any work done, nor done any work.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, Trump made fun of Biden's plastic surgery.

  • Meanwhile, his handling of the virus is about to appear

  • on an episode of "Botched."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • By the way, did you see which network was airing the rally?

  • C-SPAN3.

  • You know your campaign's going well

  • when even C-SPAN2 says, "Nah, we're good."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, in an interview that aired last night on WGN,

  • Trump was asked what single quality

  • he brings to the White House, and here was his response.

  • -Well, I think I bring an aura

  • that people know I know what I'm doing.

  • I know what is happening.

  • I know where we should be going, I negotiate properly.

  • I understand the military.

  • I understand things as a businessman

  • that other people don't.

  • Just as a person, I understand things.

  • -Yeah. Once again, the question was, what single quality.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Also, just because you're glowing orange

  • doesn't mean you have an aura.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I have an aura-ge, orange."

  • That's right, Trump says he knows what he's doing,

  • what is happening, and where he should be going.

  • So, good news -- once again, he passed concussion protocol.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Seriously, those are things you say

  • after a trainer gives you smelling salts.

  • Well, guys, we're just six days away

  • from the first presidential debate,

  • and the topics Trump and Biden will be discussing

  • have been announced. Check it out.

  • -The moderator, Fox News' Chris Wallace,

  • has selected the six topics that will be discussed.

  • The topics include the President's and Biden's records,

  • the Supreme Court, coronavirus, economic policy, racism,

  • and the integrity of the election.

  • -That wasn't a good sign when Trump's response was,

  • "Pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, and pass."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, when Trump heard, he was like,

  • "I've got five more topics that I'd love to talk about --

  • man, woman, person, camera, and TV."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Right now, it's just those topics

  • and then the other 50 insane things that'll happen

  • between now and Tuesday.

  • Some more debate news,

  • although this one is about the vice presidential debate.

  • It turns out Pete Buttigieg has been standing in

  • as Mike Pence for Kamala Harris's debate practice.

  • And to really get into the role of Mike Pence,

  • Buttigieg also wears three pairs of Hanes long underwear

  • safety pinned together.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Speaking of Mike Pence,

  • yesterday, his plane, Air Force Two,

  • was forced to return to New Hampshire

  • after it struck a bird.

  • Actually, when Pence remembered his debate against Kamala

  • is only two weeks away,

  • he started throwing more birds into the engine.

  • He's like, "Stop! Stop. Help, stop, please."

  • It's no surprise that birds are attracted to Mike Pence.

  • He's basically the human version of white bread.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Changing gears here, this week, the CDC

  • issued its first guidelines for celebrating Halloween.

  • Listen to this. -The CDC released

  • its recommendations for Halloween,

  • and the biggest one is to avoid

  • traditional trick-or-treating this year.

  • The CDC also pointed out that costume masks

  • do not have the same protective power as normal masks.

  • -Remember the good old days when all you had to worry about

  • was a giant shiv in your Snickers bar?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The CDC is discouraging trick-or-treating,

  • but to be fair, maybe children shouldn't have been going around

  • collecting candy from strangers anyway.

  • That's right, no trick-or-treating.

  • It's too bad. I'm really gonna miss

  • the disappointed look on my kids' face

  • when they get an Almond Joy.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I was fighting that joke. I like Almond Joy. Yeah.

  • -Yeah, no trick-or-treating.

  • Kids will miss getting candy, while parents will miss

  • giving that quick judgy glimpse into their neighbor's house.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Carpet in the kitchen?" [ Laughter ]

  • "Very '70s."

  • Yep, the CDC is also discouraging costume parties,

  • mainly so no one has to look at the idiot

  • who dresses up as the coronavirus.

  • "Really funny, Carl." [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, Halloween will be different.

  • If you see a house covered in cobwebs,

  • those aren't decorations.

  • Those are people who haven't gone outside since March.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, some sports news.

  • A lot of people are talking about

  • Bill Belichick's sweatshirt

  • from his press conference this morning.

  • Take a look at this. [ Laughter ]

  • Gosh, he looks like the Hulk

  • after turning back into Bruce Banner.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Even crazier, that's his wedding tuxedo.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I think that shirt was also established in 1960.

  • I don't get it.

  • Was he putting out cigarettes on his shoulder?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He looks like the centerfold in "Divorced Dad Monthly."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Remember that photo, 'cause it's what Chris Wallace

  • is gonna look like after Tuesday's debate.

  • [ Laughter ]

-Welcome back to "The Tonight Show."

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Trump Mocks Biden for Wearing a Mask | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/24
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