WELCOME, ONE AND ALL.

TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

WE'RE ARE EXACTLY TWO WEEKS AWAY FROM THE ELECTION.

SO, IF YOU HAVEN'T DECIDED WHO YOU'RE VOTING FOR YET, GOOD LUCK

ESCAPING THAT ABANDONED MINESHAFT.

OR STAY DOWN THERE 'TIL WE HAVE A VACCINE!

IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN.

WE REALLY NEED A VACCINE.

IT'S A LONG STORY.

AS THE ELECTION DAY BARELIES DOWN ON US LIKE AN

OUT-OF-CONTROL MANURE SPREADING, ONE OF THE LAST CHANCES TO

INFLUENCE THE RACE IS THURSDAY'S PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.

WE AT "THE LATE SHOW" WILL BE LIVE, WITH IN-DEPTH POLITICAL

ANALYSIS AND EXTENSIVE COVERAGE OF WHATEVER FLYING CREATURE

HAPPENS TO STEAL THE SHOW.

MY MONEY IS ON A FRUIT BAT LANDING ON KRISTEN WELKER.

NOW, AT THE LAST DEBATE, TRUMP INTERRUPTED BIDEN AND CHRIS

WALLACE-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- 128 TIMES.

SO, THE DEBATE COMMISSION HAS ANNOUNCED THERE WILL BE A MUTE

BUTTON AT THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.

THAT'S GOOD!

WHILE WE'RE AT IT, HOW ABOUT A FAST FORWARD BUTTON?

JUST ZIP STRAIGHT TO NOVEMBER 3.

NOW, THIS MUTE BUTTON WON'T BE OPERATIONAL FOR THE ENTIRE

DEBATE.

EACH CANDIDATE WILL BE GIVEN TWO MINUTES TO ANSWER AN INITIAL

QUESTION.

DURING THAT PORTION, THE OPPOSING CANDIDATE'S MICROPHONE

WILL BE MUTED.

ON OF COURSE, TRUMP COULD JUST

INTERRUPT BIDEN BY WALKING OVER TO HIS PODIUM, WHICH IS WHY THE

DEBATE COMMISSION IS ALSO PUTTING HIM ON A CHILD LEASH.

"DONALD, NOT YOUR TURN.

GO BACK TO YOUR PODIUM.

DO NOT-- DO NOT EAT THAT, YOUNG MAN!"

THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS NOT HAPPY.

CAMPAIGN MANAGER BILL STEPIEN TOLD REPORTERS, "PRESIDENT TRUMP

IS COMMITTED TO DEBATING JOE BIDEN, REGARDLESS OF LAST-MINUTE

RULE CHANGES FROM THE BIASED COMMISSION IN THEIR LATEST

ATTEMPT TO PROVIDE ADVANTAGE TO THEIR FAVORED CANDIDATE."

ENFORCING THE RULES ISN'T GIVING SOMEONE AN ADVANTAGE.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING "THE OLYMPIC JUDGES ARE PLAYING FAVORITES

BECAUSE THEY WON'T LET ME THROW BRICKS AT MICHAEL PHELPS!"

THEY MAY NOT BE HAPPY BUT, ULTIMATELY, THE MUTE BUTTON MAY

PLAY INTO TRUMP'S NEW STRATEGY, BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, HIS DEBATE

COACHES NOW WANT HIM TO STOP INTERRUPTING JOE BIDEN AND TO

TRY TO BE MORE LIKABLE.

HOLD ON.

NOW THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE TRUMP MORE LIKABLE?

HE'S BEEN THE PRESIDENT FOR ALMOS FOUR YEARS!

THAT'S LIKE A FIREFIGHTER SHOWING UP TO YOUR

HOUSE, WAITING UNTIL EVERYTHING HAS BURNED TO THE FOUNDATION,

AND SAYING, "OKAY, LET'S TRY SOME WATER NOW!"

THE PRESIDENT'S DEBATE TEAM HAS ALSO INDICATED THAT TRUMP WILL

TELL MORE JOKES AND STRIKE A SOFTER TONE.

BUT THEY ALSO EXPECT TRUMP TO KEEP GOING AFTER BIDEN'S SON

HUNTER.

SO, SOFTER, FUNNY, BUT STILL ATTACK.

( AS TRUMP, WHISPERING ) "WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE

ROAD?

TO BUY CRACK FOR HUNTER BIDEN."

TOO HIP FOR THE ROOM?" THE CAMPAIGN ALSO WANTS TO GIVE

BIDEN PLENTY OF SPACE TO MAKE A GAFFE, AS THE PRESIDENT

EXPLAINED THIS MORNING TO THE "FOX & FRIENDS."

>> THERE WERE A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT SAY LET HIM TALK, BECAUSE

HE LOSES HIS TRAIN-- LOSES HIS TRAIN-- HE LOSES HIS MIND,

FRANKLY.

>> Stephen: FORGET ABOUT BIDEN.

TRUMP JUST LOST HIS TRAIN OF THOUGHT BETWEEN "TRAIN" AND "OF

THOUGHT."

( AS TRUMP ) "I'M GOING TO LET BIDEN TALK

UNTIL HE LOSES HIS TRAIN...

LOSES HIS TRAIN... I AM A TRAIN.

♪ RIDING THAT TRAIN HIGH ON COCAINE ♪

SPEAKING OF WHICH, DON JUNIOR.

DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE 'THE BEST IS YET TO COME' POWDER?

THE INSIDE OF MY SKULL IS STILL STICKY.

TRUMP COMPLAINED THAT THE MEDIA IS SOFT ON JOE BIDEN.

>> LOOK AT YESTERDAY.

HE WALKS OUT OF A STORE, AND THE MEDIA'S STANDING THERE, AND THEY

ASKED HIM "WHAT FLAVOR ICE CREAM DID YOU GET?"

I MEAN, THINK OF THIS.

>> I KNOW.

>> THEY NEVER ASK ME A QUESTION LIKE THAT.

I WANT THEM TO SOMEDAY, BUT THEY NEVER ASK ME A QUESTION LIKE

THAT.

"WHAT FLAVOR ICE CREAM DID YOU GET?"

>> Stephen: YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

I'M GOING TO GUESS BEN & JERRY'S DEX-A-METHACONE DREAM.

BUT THEN, THEN, LATER IN THE INTERVIEW, TRUMP

GOT THE QUESTION HE ASKED FOR: >> DO YOU WANT TO TELL US WHAT

YOUR FAVORITE MILKSHAKE FLAVOR IS?

>> YEAH, I WOULD, IN ABOUT A YEAR OR TWO WHEN EVERYTHING IS

SO PERFECT, I'M GOING TO LET YOU ANSWER THAT, OR ASK ME THAT

QUESTION.

>> Stephen: THAT'S THE SOFTBALL YOU ASKED FOR!

JUST SAY YOUR FAVORITE MILKSHAKE!

( AS TRUMP ) "I'M NOT A WHITE SUPREMACIST,

BUT I AM TELLING VANILLA TO STAND BACK AND STAND BY."

TRUMP HELD A RALLY IN TUCSON YESTERDAY, AND BEFORE HE WENT

-- DO WE NEED TO REDO THAT OR CA I JUST KEEP GOING?

JUST KEEP GOING OKAY.

BEFORE HE WENT ON, HE TOLD REPORTERS -- SO WE'RE NOT GOING

TO EDIT THAT?

WE'RE NOT GOING TO LATER SEE YOU EDIT IT SO I SAID IS PERFECTLY.

WE'RE GOING TO STICK WITH THIS.

TRANSPARENCY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S "THE LATE SHOW"" PROMISE.

YES I'LL ( BLEEP ) UP, BUT YOU'LL KNOW.

OKAY.

STARS, THEY DON'T DO THEIR JOB VERY WELL.

HE TOLD REPORTERS THAT HE'S NOT DESPERATE BECAUSE HE'S BEHIND IN

THE POLLS.

>> I'M NOT RUNNING SCARED.

I'M RUNNING ANGRY, BECA- I THINK I'M RUNNING ANGRY.

I'M RUNNING HAPPY, AND I'M RUNNING VERY CONTENT.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I'M NOT SCARED.

I'M ANGRY!

ANGRY AT HOW HAPPY AND CONTENT I AM!

WHICH OF COURSE THEN MAKES ME HUNGRY, WHICH MAKES ME SLEEPY.

I'M ALSO VERY DOC AND VERY DOPEY."

ONCE HE WAS ON STAGE, TRUMP ASSURED THE CROWD THAT THE

PANDEMIC IS TOTALLY UNDER CONTROL.

>> WE ARE ROUNDING THE TURN.

WE HAVE THE VACCINES COMING AND ALL, BUT EVEN WITHOUT, WE'RE

ROUNDING THE TURN.

>> Stephen: REALLY, ROUNDING?

HAVE YOU SEEN THE COVID SPIKES?

HOSPITALIZATIONS ARE ON THE RISE IN 41 STATES.

WE'RE NOT ROUNDING THE TURN.

I'M PRETTY SURE WE'RE SHARPENING THE TURN.

WHAT WE'RE LOOKING AT HERE IS A RAZOR-SHARP TURN.

BUT TRUMP SAID WE SHOULD STOP EVEN TRYING TO KEEP PEOPLE FROM

GETTING SICK NOW, BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE GETTING SICK OF TRYING TO DO

THAT.

>> PEOPLE ARE PANDEMICED OUT.

YOU KNOW THAT?

THEY'RE PANDEMICED OUT.

>> Stephen: THAT'S QUITE A RALLYING CRY WHEN WE'RE FACING

AN EXISTENTIAL THREAT.

"WE'RE TIRED OF IT!" REMINDS ME OF CHURCHILL:

>> WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES, WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON

THE LANDING GROUNDS...

HOO, BOY, IS ANYONE ELSE A LITTLE NAZI'D OUT?

WHAT IF WE JUST LET THE GERMANS WASH OVER US?

>> Stephen: STILL, TRUMP KNOWS THAT THE ECONOMY HAS TAKEN A

HIT, SO HE TACKED A FEW WORDS ONTO HIS FAMOUS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN.

>> UNDER MY ADMINISTRATION, WE BUILT THE GREATEST ECONOMY IN

THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, AND NOW WE'RE DOING IT AGAIN.

YOU KNOW, IT'S MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, RIGHT?

I SAY MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, AGAIN-- AGAIN, AGAIN.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW EVERY "AGAIN" YOU ADD IS REALLY JUST

ADMITTING YOU SCREWED SOMETHING UP SO BAD YOU HAD TO FIX IT.

IT'S NOT THAT COMFORTING.

IT'S WHY ARBY'S DISCONTINUED THEIR SLOGAN:

>> ARBY'S, WE HAVE THE MEETS, AGAIN.

>> Stephen: FOR A WHILE IT WASN'T MEAT, EVIDENTLY.

BUT THESE RALLY CROWDS LOVE TRUMP.

AND HE HAD AN INTERESTING REACTION TO THAT LOVE.

>> Crowd: WE LOVE YOU!

>> THANK YOU.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY!

DON'T DO THAT.

I DON'T WANNA CRY.

I DON'T WANNA CRY.

( CHEERING ) MAKE ME CRY, YOU'LL DESTROY MY

IMAGE, AND THEN YOU WON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE.

THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE.

>> Stephen: OKAY, I'M NOT SAYING I BELIEVE EVERYTHING FREUD SAID

ABOUT THE IMPACT OF AN UNLOVING FATHER, BUT WHEN SOMEONE SAYS

"IF I CRY, THEN YOU WON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE," IT SEEMS PRETTY

STRAIGHTFORWARD.

( AS TRUMP, STIFLING CRY ) "SEE, PAPA?

NO TEARS!

I'M NOT SAD.

I'M TOTALLY HAPPY AND CONTENT.

AND ANGRY!" THEN TRUMP TOOK AIM AT HIS

NEMESIS: THE EARTH.

>> THE GREEN NEW DEAL IS THE CRAZIEST THING, RIGHT?

NO MORE AIRPLANES.

NO MORE DOUBLE CARS.

>> Stephen: NO MORE DOUBLE CARS!

EVERYBODY LOVES DOUBLE CARS!

EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT A DOUBLE CAR IS.

YOU GET A POPPY-SEED BUN, CAR, CHEESE, MAYBE CHICKEN CUTLET,

CAR, BUN.

OR IS IT ONE CAR BETWEEN TWO CHUCKEN PATTIES -- I DON'T KNOW.

TRUMP SAID HE FELT GREAT AFTER GETTING TREATED FOR THE COVID,

AND HE PLAYED WHAT'S FAST BECOMING ONE OF HIS LATEST HITS.

>> I WOKE UP, AND I FELT GOOD.

I SAID, "GET ME OUT OF HERE."

BOOM, SUPERMAN.

>> Crowd: SUPERMAN, SUPERMAN, SUPERMAN.

>> Stephen: TRUMP ISN'T SUPERMAN.

FOR PETE'S SAKE, SUPERMAN SPENDS HALF OF HIS TIME AT LEAST

PRETENDING TO CARE ABOUT JOURNALISM.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> "THE DAILY SLAM-IT!"

>> Stephen: TRUMP POINTED OUT HOW MUCH SUN HE'S GETTING AT

THESE RALLIES.

>> YOU'RE GONNA SEE ME TOMORROW, I'M GONNA LOOK LIKE A LOBSTER.

YOU'RE GONNA SAY, "LOOK WHAT WE DID TO HIM."

THEY SAID, "WOULD YOU LIKE TO WEAR A HAT?"

I SAID "THERE'S NO WAY I'M WEARING A HAT."

I GOTTA SHOW THESE-- WE GOTTA SHOW STRENGTH, RIGHT?

>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, "GONNA" LOOK LIKE A LOBSTER?

YOU ALREADY LOOK LIKE YOU'VE SLATHERED YOURSELF WITH DRAWN

BUTTER.

AND HATS ARE A SIGN OF WEAKNESS?

HATS ARE KIND OF YOUR THING!

YOUR CAMPAIGN HAS ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT HATS...

AND, HATS.

IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT HATS.

TRUMP IS HOLDING SO MANY RALLIES BECAUSE HE'S RUNNING OUT OF CASH

TO ADVERTISE.

MEANWHILE, BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN IS FLUSHED WITH MONEY, AND HE'S

TARGETING SENIORS BY ADVERTISING HEAVILY ON SHOWS SUCH AS

"JEOPARDY!" AND "WHEEL OF FORTUNE."

IN FACT, LAST WEEK, BIDEN EVEN SPONSORED ONE OF THE PUZZLES.

TRUMP MAY BE TRAILING BIDEN IN FUNDRAISING, BUT HE TOLD THE

CROWD HE COULD GET ALL THE MONEY HE NEEDS, IF HE REALLY WANTED

TO.

>> I WOULD BE THE GREATEST FUNDRAISER IN HISTORY.

DON'T FORGET, I'M NOT BAD AT THAT STUFF, ANYWAY, AND I'M

PRESIDENT.

( CHEERING ) SO I CALL SOME GUY, THE HEAD OF

EXXON.

I CALL THE HEAD OF EXXON, I DON'T KNOW, "HI, HOW ARE YOU

DOING?

HOW IS ENERGY COMING?

WHEN ARE YOU DOING THE EXPLORATION?

OH, YOU NEED A COUPLE OF PERMITS, HUH?

OKAY."

BUT I CALLED THE HEAD OF EXXON.

I SAID "YOU KNOW, I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO SEND ME $25 MILLION

FOR THE CAMPAIGN."

"ABSOLUTELY, SIR.

WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK?

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MORE?" I WOULD RAISE A BILLION DOLLAR

IN ONE DAY IF I WANTED TO.

>> Stephen: IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT TRUMP WAS BRAGGING THAT IT WOULD

BE SO EASY FOR HIM TO EXTORT ILLEGAL CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS

FROM AN OIL COMPANY, BUT HE ALSO FISHER-PRICE PHONE.

( AS TRUMP ) "HELLO, NASA?

HOW IS SPACE?

STILL REAL BIG?

MOON SEEMS TO BE GETTING FAT THIS MONTH.

ANYWAY, I NEED A BILLION DOLLARS SO I CAN BE PRESIDENT.

THANK YOU.

MOMMY HAS MY CHICKEN FINGERS READY, GOOD-BYE."

THIS WAS A HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIO, BUT TRUMP'S REPUTATION