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  • >> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.

  • LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.

  • I'M LOOKING AT HIM RIGHT NOW.

  • WHY SHOULDN'T YOU GET A CHANCE TO?

  • IT'S A PLEASANT SIGHT.

  • >> Jon: WHAT'S THE WORD, STEPHEN?

  • HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

  • >> Stephen: I DON'T UNDERSTAND, AFTER A WEEK LIKE

  • THIS, YOU STILL LOOK FRESH AND I FEEL LIKE A WET SACK OF WALNUTS.

  • >> Jon: YEAH, I'M FEELING IT.

  • THAT WAS A LATE ONE, AND IT WAS A HARD ONE TO WATCH, IN MANY

  • RESPECTS, BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • >> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY.

  • SO MUCH IS HARD TO WATCH RIGHT NOW.

  • >> Jon: EVERYTHING IS HARD TO WATCH.

  • AND I HOPE THAT IT WILL BE OVER SOON.

  • >> Stephen: I WILL TELL YOU THIS, MY FRIEND.

  • ON NOVEMBER 3, SOMETHING IS COMING TO AN END.

  • >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.

  • THAT IS A TRUE STATEMENT.

  • >> Stephen: SOMETHING IS COMING TO AN END ON NOVEMBER 3,

  • THE QUESTION PENNING ON THE DECISION THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

  • MAKE.

  • I HOPE THEY MAKE THE RIGHT ONE.

  • >> Jon: WE KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT ONE IS.

  • WE NEED TO KEEP PUSHING TOWARD THAT.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

  • JON, HAVE YOU GOT ANY MUSIC COMING OUT OF YOUR FINGERS?

  • >> Jon: ALWAYS IN THE MIND AND THE HEART AND COMING THROUGH THE

  • FINGERS.

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  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.

  • JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

  • >> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW I SPEND A

  • LOT OF TIME SELECTING THE FINEST TOPICAL

  • STERLING SILVER SERVING SPOONS THE BIGGEST NEWS FONDUE POTS,

  • AND MONOGRAMMED WASHCLOTHS, TO CAREFULLY CURATE THE

  • WILLIAMS-SONOMA WEDDING REGISTRY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT, SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO DIG THROUGH MY JUNK DRAWER

  • AND PULL OUT A HALF-USED BOX OF STRAWS, TWO PACKETS OF EXPIRED

  • GATORADE POWDER, AND A PROMOTIONAL KEY CHAIN TO CREATE

  • THE HIGH SCHOOL MATHLETES' SECRET SANTA GIFT EXCHANGE OF

  • NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, RUMORS CONTINUE TO CIRCULATE AROUND THE

  • NEW AMAZON STUDIOS "LORD OF THE RINGS" SERIES.

  • AND THE LATEST IS THAT "AMAZON PLANS TO INCLUDE NUDE SCENES IN

  • THE SHOW."

  • THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS.

  • THE BAD NEWS: IT'S NOT WHO YOU WANT IT TO BE.

  • THEY HAVE A CAVE TROLL.

  • THE RUMOR GOT STARTED WHEN INTERNET SLEUTHS FOUND SOME

  • CASTING CALLS FOR THE SHOW SAYING THAT THE FILMMAKERS "NEED

  • NUDE PEOPLE BASED IN AUCKLAND."

  • OKAY, THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THEY NEED ACTORS WHO ARE WILLING

  • TO BE NUDE, IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY WANT PEOPLE WHO ARE CURRENTLY

  • NUDE.

  • SO, TOUGH BREAK FOR ALL YOU CLOTHED ACTORS OUT THERE, BUT

  • GREAT NEWS FOR CREEPY PAUL.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE INTERACTIVE SYNERGY

  • AND DISRUPTION CONSULTANCY PARTNERS L.L.C." SOMETIMES

  • ACQUIRE SO MANY FOOD RELATED STORIES, WE COLLECT THEM IN OUR

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE SUB, SUB SEGMENT: CUISINE-WHILE.

  • CUISINE-WHILE, BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC, "SOME RESTAURANTS ARE

  • INTRODUCING TIME LIMITS."

  • THAT'LL MAKE FOR A ROMANTIC FIRST DATE.

  • "HEY, I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME, I COULD STARE INTO YOUR EYES

  • FOREVER, BUT, DO YOU MIND CHUGGING YOUR LOBSTER BISQUE?

  • THE WAITER'S GIVIN' ME THE STINK-EYE."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, FANS OF KRAFT MAC AND CHEESE HAVE BEEN

  • SCANDALIZED BECAUSE APPARENTLY "KRAFT'S NEWEST AD CAMPAIGN HAS

  • A RISQUEÉ TAGLINE: SEND NOODS."

  • I SEE WHAT THEY'RE DOING THERE.

  • LET'S HOPE IT'S MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN HORMEL'S RUMP ROAST

  • CAMPAIGN, EAT BUTT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, HERE'S A THING

  • THAT EXISTS: IT'S "THE WORLD'S FIRST APP-CONTROLLED MALE

  • CHASTITY DEVICE," PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S EVER WANTED TO

  • SAY: "ALEXA, TURN OFF MY HUSBAND."

  • THE CELLMATE CHASTITY LOCK WORKS BY "ALLOWING A TRUSTED PARTNER

  • TO REMOTELY LOCK AND UNLOCK THE CHAMBER OVER BLUETOOTH USING A

  • MOBILE APP."

  • 'CAUSE NOTHING GETS YOU IN THE MOOD LIKE TWO FACTOR

  • AUTHENTICATION.

  • "BABY, LET'S MAKE LOVE... RIGHT AFTER I CLICK ON EVERY SQUARE

  • WHERE THERE'S A TRAFFIC LIGHT TO PROVE I'M NOT A ROBOT."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, YOU CAN NOW BE SEXY HAND SANITIZER FOR

  • HALLOWEEN.

  • LET'S SEE IT JIM THAT'S NOT SEXY HAND SANITIZER.

  • THIS IS SEXY HAND SANITIZER.

  • OOH, YEAH, A FULLY STOCKED SHELF OF REASONABLY-PRICED PURIFYING

  • GEL WITH NO "LIMIT TWO PER CUSTOMER" SIGNS.

  • MMM!

  • I WANT TO TAKE YOU HOME AND GET STERILE ALL NIGHT!

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MINDY KALING.

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