Let's get to the news and jokes.

Well, guys, last night

President Trump held a press conference

and this one was out there, even for him.

I mean, when Time-Life releases a box set

of Trump's craziest moments, this will be on it.

[ Laughter ]

Trump was asked to commit

to a peaceful transition of power,

if he loses the election, and this was his response.

-Well, we're gonna have to see what happens.

You know that I've been complaining very strongly

about the ballots and the ballots are a disaster.

We wanna have -- Get rid of the ballots

and you'll have a very transf-- we'll have very peaceful --

There won't be a transfer, frankly,

[ Laughter ] There'll be a continuation.

-Whoa.

-So, if Trump loses the election,

getting him out of the White House

will be like trying to get a bird out of your living room.

[ Laughter ] It's like, "Oh...no.

I got him. Hold on! Okay.

Nobody move! He's -- He's behind the curtain!

Nobody move! Shut the door! Shut the door!

[ Laughter ]

I'm getting the feeling this year is gonna end

with Trump locking himself in the Oval Office

while yelling in the phone...

[ As Trump ] Space Force, attack!

[ Laughter ]

Even with five extra people, it sounds fantastic.

I will take it.

[ Applause ] I love you. I love you.

Safe, distanced,

distanced, socially distanced, everyone is safe, but, man,

it feels good.

It feels great, actually.

[ Cheering, laughter, and applause ]

Ah! I'm so happy right now. I just wanna --

Let's roll the credits. The show's over.

I'm happy.

Bye, everybody. Take care.

♪♪

Ah!

The peaceful transfer of power is

one of the pillars of our democracy

and Trump treats it like a brunch he might bail on.

[ Laughter ] [ As Trump ] Game time decision.

I have to see how my day's going.

I'm not sure. [ Laughter ]

I do love a little eggs Benny, though.

[ Laughter ]

After Trump's comments,

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tried

to assure people that things would be okay.

He tweeted...

And, if recent news has taught us anything,

it's that you can always count

on Mitch McConnell to keep his word.

[ Laughter ]

-Ooh!

[ Cheering and applause ]

-Seriously, even though the Republicans were like,

"Mitch, please."

[ Laughter ]

Later in the press conference,

a reporter asked Trump about Meghan Markle

basically supporting Joe Biden,

and this is what he had to say about her.

-I'm not a fan of hers.

And she probably has heard that.

But I wish a lot of luck

to Harry

-Oh! -'cause he's gonna need it.

[ Laughter ] -Oh, God.

-Wow!

Who had Meghan Markle on their random

Trump Insults Bingo card, anyone?

[ Laughter ]

If you're keeping track, Meghan Markle's got beef

with the queen of England

and the president of the United States.

She's just one Jay-Z fight away

from taking on the entire Illuminati.

[ Laughter ]

After that, Trump was answering a question

about the coronavirus vaccine

when he used a made-up excuse to get out of there.

[ Laughing ] Watch this.

-Ultimately, the White House has

to approve it and...

maybe we will and maybe we won't,

but we'll be taking a look. -Mr. President.

-I have to leave for an emergency phone call.

[ Laughter ] I'm gonna let Scott and Larry finish up.

-That's right. That's right. Trump was like...

[ As Trump ] Uh, yeah, what's the emergency, what, what?

Everything I just said at this press conference?

Okay, yeah, bye.

Hey, listen to this. Earlier today, it was announced

that Russian President Vladimir Putin

was nominated for the [ Laughing ] Nobel Peace Prize.

[ Laughter ]

Yep. Putin is thrilled,

while everyone else in the category is poisoned.

[ Laughter ]

First Trump, then Putin?

Right now, Kim Jong-un is standing

by a tin can on a string like, "Any second now...

[ Laughter ]

Any second now."

Well, guys, Halloween is just around the corner,

but, this week, the CDC announced

that no one should have Halloween parties.

-[ Groaning ] -Yeah. It's a huge bummer.

It almost feels like the CDC knows it, too.

I mean, check out the PSA that they released today.

-We at the CDC are here to guide you through the COVID pandemic,

which is why we're announcing, come October...

...should take place. None.

Not even our own office Halloween party,

which is downright sick.

I mean, this party is off. the. hook.

We've got fog.

We've got a DJ.

We've got Anthony Fauci as Batman,

entering on a zip line?

It was so 2019.

It was a different time.

And, this fall, we all have a collective responsibility

to not recreate last year.

No matter how lit. it. was.

[ Laughter ] This party is legendary.

Last year, Brenda from Genetics

dressed as Streptococcus pneumoniae.

Take that, Heidi Klum!

You can't control this banger,

but you can control

the virus.

So just be safe. Stay inside.

Rewatch "Tiger King."

I mean, okay.

Can you imagine the costumes, though?

Bret in Lab Safety was gonna bring an actual tiger.

-[ Growl ] -And you think we couldn't top last year?

Tell that to our hologram Joseph Walter Mountin.

He founded the CDC, bitch!

God, I'm gonna miss this party. God!

CDC.

Wear your mask.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-Unfortunately, Halloween isn't the only celebration

that's being affected by the pandemic.

It looks like New Year's Eve is gonna be different, too.

-For the first time in 114 years,

there's gonna be no crowd, no revelers, allowed

in Times Square. -[ Sighs heavily ]

-Organizers announcing

a new virtually enhanced event

with live components that incorporate social distancing.

-Yeah. And, if you're upset you can't go

to Times Square on New Year's Eve,

then I'm pretty sure you've never been

to Times Square on New Year's Eve.

[ Laughter ]

Virtual, not virtual.

Live, pretaped.

It doesn't matter.

Just get us the hell out of 2020, please!

[ Laughter and applause ] Carson, just say it!

Just say it now, and we'll all agree it's New Year's.

Meanwhile, Planet Fitness is like, "Damn,

what the hell are we gonna do with 10,000 purple top hats?"

[ Laughter ]

[ Clap ]

Well, this is fun.

The company that makes emojis

just announced 217 new ones.

Most of them are variations on existing emojis,

but some of them are pretty surprising.

Here, take a look.

First one is called...

[ Laughter ] This next one is called...

[ Laughter ]

[ Slaps leg ]

Takis. -Yeah.

-This one is called...

That's fun.

And, finally, this new emoji is called...

-Oh! -There you go.

[ Smattering of applause ] And now,

quickly changing pace a little, here's a new segment, called

"How Was That Legal Until Now??"

♪♪

-The MTA today officially changed its rules to prohibit

defecating on subways and buses.

[ Laughter ] ♪♪

-Whoa! Wait.

[ Laughter ] Wait.

Wait, wait.

[ Laughter ]

Wait.

[ Laughter ] Wait.

You mean, all this time...

[ Laughter ] -I know. I can't.

Just ruined my weekend.

I mean, just ruined it.

Wow!

And, finally, here's some exciting...

[ Laughter ]

news about a 96-year-old woman in Pennsylvania.

Watch this.

-A 96-year-old.

Meet Sarah in Pittsburgh, who is still one of the best

when it comes to knocking down pins.

She became the first at her local bowling alley

to bowl a perfect game.

-That's amazing.

When most 96-year-olds bowl, they go down the alley

with the ball. [ Laughter ]