IT'S NO LAUGHING MATTER, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT ATTEMPTS TO

DERIVE HUMOR FROM THE AMERICAN POLITICAL PROCESS.

THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT.

EXCEPT FOR WHEN THAT FLY LANDED ON MIKE PENCE'S HEAD.

THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

AND YET FOR REASONS UNKNOWN, WEEK AFTER WEEK, STEPHEN COLBERT

HAS TAKEN TO "THE LATE SHOW"" AND BRAZENLY ATTEMPTED TO MAKE

JOKES IN THE RUN-UP TO THE 2020 ELECTION.

YOU CRAZY BASTARD.

HELLO, I'M SAM WATER STON.

YOU MAY RECOGNIZE ME FROM "LAW & ORDER," OR MY PERSONAL PASTA

SAUCES WHERE NONE OF THE MONEY GOES TO CHARITY.

TONIGHT I WILL BE YOUR GUIDE AS WE LOOK AT THE THE LATE SHOW

WITH STEPHEN COLBERT'S 2020 CAMPAIGN COVERAGE."

AND WHILE THIS WILL BE A COLLECTION OF SOME OF THE BEST

MOMENTS FROM "THE LATE SHOW," I ASSURE YOU THIS IS NOT SOME

SILLY "BEST OF" SHOW.

IT IS SOMETHING MUCH MORE IMPORTANT.

TONIGHT, WE FULFILL A COTRACTUAL OBLIGATION TO THE

NETWORK.

WE BEGIN WITH SOME OF COLBERT'S BEST MONOLOGUES FROM THE

DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY.

FIRST, OF COURSE, THE OPENING CREDITS.

>> IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT: 2020 CAMPAIGN

COVERAGE SPECIAL."

PLUS THE BEST OF CANDIDAT MONOLOGUES, THE BEST OF

CANDIDATE INTERVIEWS AND CAMPAIGN FIELD PIECES.

AND SAM WATERSTON EATING A GIANT SANDWICH.

AND NOW LIVE ON A BURCH OF TAPES FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER,

IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!

>> TRUMP'S DAYS ARE NUMBERED.

AT LEAST FOR HIS FIRST TERM, BECAUSE WE'RE GETTING CLOSER AND

CLOSER TO THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

THERE ARE A LOT OF DEMOCRATS IN THIS THING.

IN FACT, HERE ARE ALL THE CANDIDATES.

( LAUGHTER ) "THE NEW YORK TIMES" SAYS ARE

EITHERTRUNNING OR MIGHT RUN.

THIS-- THERE'S A ( SNIFFS )

OF COURSE, WITH NEARLY 30 PEOPLE POSSIBLY VYING FOR THE

DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION, IT'S EASIER TO FOCUS ON WHO'S NOT

RUNNING AND WE'LL DO THAT IN MY NEW SEGMENT "NOT DOING IT DONKEY

STYLE."

>> NO, THANKS!

>> Stephen: FIRST BOWING OUT, HILLARY CLINTON HAS ANNOUNCED

HE'S NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT IN 2020.

THAT IS TOUGH NEWS FOR REPUBLICANS.

THEY STILL HAVEN'T REALIZED SHE'S NO LONGER RUNNING IN 2016.

( LAUGHTER ) I STUCK A VOTEO OF VOLDER MORT

IN THERE, AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.

RIGHT DOWN THERE.

( APPLAUSE ) OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S A VOLT.

VOLDERMORT IS A LIBERTARIAN.

BIDEN HAS LED EVERY NATIONAL POLL OF DEMOCRATS, WITHOUT EVEN

HAVING DECLARED HE'S RUNNING.

BUT ON SATURDAY, HE MAY HAVE ACCIDENTALLY SPILLED THE BEANS.

>> I AM THE MOST PROGRESSIVE RECORD OF ANYBODY RUNNING FOR

THE-- IF ANYBODY WHO WOULD RUN.

( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THE MAN HAS NOT

LOST A MISSTEP.

BIDEN LEADS TRUMP BY 13 POINTS.

AND IT'S NOT JUST BIDEN.

IN THE POLL, SANDERS BEATS TRUMP BY NINE POINTS, HARRIS WINS BY

EIGHT POINTS, WARREN BEATS HIM BY 7.

BUTTIGIEG AND BOOKER BOTH BEAT HIM BY FIVE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

AND-- AND SOMEHOW-- AND SOMEHOW, BILL DE BLASIO STILL LOSES BY

137%.

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, WE ARE LIVE--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A LIVE-- THAT'S A LIVE

AUDIENCE RIGHT THERE.

IT IS JUST CRACKLING WITH TERRORIST IN HERE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

BECAUSE-- WE'RE LIVE AFTER THE FIRST OF TWO DEMOCRATIC

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES.

TONIGHT, WEDNESDAY, WAS THE UNDER-CARD PITTING ELIZABETH

WARREN, CORY BOOKER, AND BETO O'ROURKE AGAINST SEVEN PEOPLE

ANGLING FOR MSNBC WHAT'S YOUR MESSAGE FOR CARDI B

AND HER FOLLOWERS.

>> I THANK HER VERY MUCH.H3 I'M VERY APPRECIATIVE TO HAVE

HER SUPPORT.

>> IT'S THE MATCH-UP OF THE CENTURY.

LOOK, I DON'T MAKE MONEY MOVES.

I MOVIE MONEY FROM THE BILLIONAIRE CLASS TO THE 99%.

I'M A DOG.

I'M A FLIRT.

AND IT'S HIGH TIME WE HAD MEDICARE.

IT IS HIGH TIME WE HAD MEDICARE FOR ALL YOU BROKE HO'S.

I KNOW A BAD BITCH WHEN I SEE ONE.

TELL RI-RI-I NEED A THREE SELL.

AFTER NIGHT ONE OF THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATE, THIS IS THE

SECOND ROUND OF DEBATES, SO WE'RE CALLING IT "DEMOCRATIC

DEBATE NIGHT-- TOO MANY CANDIDATES TO REMEMBER FORGET

HARDER."

JOE BIDEN BROKE THE ICE WITH HARRIS RIGHT OFF THE TOP.

TOP.

>> TO WHICH HARRIS RESPONDED, "I HOPE YOU'RE WEARING A CUP."

>> BIDEN DID WELL ENOUGH TO STOP SOME OF THE FEARS BUT NOT TO

GIVE PEOPLE THAT OVERWHELMING CONFIDENCE THIS IS OUR GUY.

>> I THINK BIDEN DID OKAY.

>> HE CAME THROUGH IT JUST FINE.

>> HE DID WELL ENOUGH.

WAS HE AMAZING?

WAS HE PERFECT?

WAS HE ENTIRELY CONSISTENT?

NO.

>> Stephen: THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEMOCRATS HAVE GONE FROM, "YES WE CAN," TO "THAT WILL DO.

I'LL TAKE IT."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "I'LL TAKE IT.

I'M FINE WITH THAT."

>> Jon: YOU LIKE THAT.

>> Stephen: I'M FINE WITH THAT.

BUT THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME, RIGHT?

THE ELECTION IS STILL 16 MONTHS AWAY.

YOU GOTTA HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE AT FIRST, RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE-- IT'S LIKE-- IT'S LIKE SEA TURTLES HATCHING ON A

BEACH, OKAY.

LOTS OF BIRDS CIRCLING OVERHEAD, BUT THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF THEM.

ONE OF THEM HAS TO MAKE IT TO THE WATER.

PLUS IT'S GOING TO BE SO FUN TO WATCH THOSE BIRDS DRAG OFF BILL

DE BLASIO.

>> Jon: OH!

OH!

>> Stephen: CIRCLE OF LIFE.

SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS JUST ANNOUNCED SHE IS DROPPING OUT OF

THE RACE.

RACE.

( EXPLOSION ) THERE SHE IS, OFF TO LOW ORBIT.

WHEN IT COMES TO NOT BEING THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT, SHE WAS

THAT LITTLE GIRL.

( LAUGHTER ) SENATOR...

>> Jon: OOOOH!

>> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME.

( LAUGHTER ) HARRIS WASN'T ALONE IN LEAVING

THE RACE.

ON MONDAY, MONTANA GOVERNOR STEVE BULLOCK ALSO DROPPED OUT.

UNFORTUNATELY, DUE TO HIS LOW POLL NUMBERS, BULLOCK DID NOT

QUALIFY TO BE IN THIS JOKE.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT'S HARD FOR ME NOT TO TAKE

THIS A LITTLE PERSONALLY BECAUSE YOU SEE BOTH HARRIS AND BULLOCK

HAD MEMORABLE APPEARANCE HERE'S ON "THE LATE SHOW"."

HARRIS WAS ON THE SHOW FOUR TIMES, INCLUDING JUST TWO WEEKS

AGO FOR HER LAST APPEARANCE ON LATE NIGHT AS A CANDIDATE.

AND REMEMBER WHO ANNOUNCED THEY WERE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT ON MY

SHOW?

KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND AND ERIC SWALWELL.

I AM OFFICIALLY THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY KISS OF DEATH.

THIS ISN'T FOR SURE, BUT IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH

MY GREEN WROOM I STORE MY LADDER, BROKEN MIRROR, AND BLACK

CAT COLLECTION.

IF I'M GOING TO BE A JINX, I MIGHT AS WELL USE IT TO HELP

AMERICA.

JOHN DELANEY, COME ON THIS SHOW.

IT'S TIME.

THIS WEEK, MAYOR BLOOMBERG MET WITH VOTERS IN BURLINGTON,

VERMONT, AND SHOOK A DOG'S FACE.

NO!

BAD BILLIONAIRE!

BAD!

DOWN, MIKE!

DOWN!

THE DOG ACTUALLY SEEMED TO LIKE IT.

SO NOW BLOOMBERG DOES THE SAME THING WITH ALL THE BABIES HE

MEETS.

( LAUGHTER ) THERE IS-- THERE IS JUST SO MUCH

TO TALK ABOUT TONIGHT, JON.

WE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE.

>> Jon: YES, YES, YES.

>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT THE SUPER BOWL.

WE'VE GOT IMPEACHMENT.

WE'VE GOT GROUNDHOG DAY.

AND WE'RE CALLING OUR COVERAGE SUPER PEACH HAWK COCK.

YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT DOES NOT LOOK AS GOOD AS I THOUGHT IT

WOULD.

LET'S JUST GO WITH MONDAY.

NOW WITH ALL THE POLLS RELATIVELY TIGHT, THE CANDIDATES

ARE GETTING NASTIER WITH EACH OTHER, ESPECIALLY JOE BIDEN AND

PETE BUTTIGEIG, SEEN HERE COSPLAYING AS FATHER TIME AND

BABY NEW YEAR.

( LAUGHTER ) ON SATURDAY, ON SATURDAY, BIDEN

SAID THIS ABOUT BUTTIGIEG: >> IS THIS A ACT OF DESPERATION

ON YOUR CAMPAIGN TO BE MAKING THIS--

>> COME ON MAN.

>> MAKING THIS ASSERTION RIGHT NOW OF MAYOR BUTTIGIEG.

>> THIS GUY IS NOT A BARACK OBAMA.

>> Stephen: IS BARACK OBAMA THE ONLY MEASURE OF THINGS THAT

ARE GOOD?

"OH, MAN, THIS TURKEY RUBEN IS A REAL BARACK OBAMA.

I'LL TELL YOU, WHEN I'M DONE, LET'S HIT THE ROAD BECAUSE THE

BATHROOM HERE IS NO BARACK OBAMA.

" AFTER HER PERFORMANCE IN THE NEVADA DEBATE, WARREN IS BACK ON

THE MAP THANKS TO HER HAMMERING OF FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR

MICHAEL BLOOMBERG.

BLOOMBERG HAD NOT PARTICIPATED IN ANY OF THE DEMOCRATIC

DEBATES, AND RIGHT OFF THE BAT, WARREN HIT HIM WITH THE BAT.

>> I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT WHO WE'RE RUNNING AGAINST.

A BILLIONAIRE WHO CALLS WOMEN FAT BROADS AND HORSE-FACED

LESBIANS.

AND, NO, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP.

I'M TALKING ABOUT MAYOR BLOOMBERG.

>> Jon: OH!

>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S GOT TO STING.

THOUGH, WE DID KNOW YOU WEREN'T TALKING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP

BECAUSE YOU SAID "BILLIONAIRE."

WARREN-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THE POINT OF THAT

PRESS CONFERENCE WAS NOT PUBLIC HEALTH, BY THE WAY.

AS THE "WASHINGTON POST" PUT IT, OFFICIALS AT TRUMP'S CORONAVIRUS

BRIEFING FOCUSED ON PREVENTING THE SPREAD OF CRITICISM OF

TRUMP.

YES, AND THAT IS VERY CONTAGIOUS.

EVERYONE I KNOW HAS IT.

I MIGHT BE PATIENT ZERO.

AND THIS DESIRE-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THIS DESIRE-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

GOT TO BE CAREFUL.

STIER MAY HAVE SENSED THE END WAS NEAR FOR HIS CAMPAIGN,

BECAUSE THE NIGHT BEFORE HE REALLY CUT LOOSE AT A RALLY

WHERE HE JOINED RAPPER JUVENILE ON STAGE FOR HIS HIT "BACK THAT

AS UP."

A WHITE BILLIONAIRE DANCING WITH JUVENILE TO A SONG ABOUT BUTTS.

THE 2020 CAMPAIGN IS OFFICIALLY A MAD-LIB.

( LAUGHTER ) LET'S BID FAREWELL TO THESE

THREE CANDIDATES.

JIM, CAN YOU PUT THEM ALL UP?

FIRST, MAYOR PETE.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN EFFORTS.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE JORDAN.

BIDEN'S ALREADY TAKEN OVER HIS PLACE.

AND NOW AMY KLOBUCHAR, OH, JOE'S LURG HER WITH HOT DISH.

SHE CAN'T RESIST.

AND SHE'S OUT OF HERE!

AND FINALLY, WE SAY GOOD-BYE TO TOM STEYER, RIDING HIGH OFF HIS

WIN.

( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP ALSO HELD A REALLY LAST

NIGHT.

HE WAS IN THE SUPER TUESDAY STATE OF NOWK, AND HE PANDERED

IN A REALLY STRANGE WAY.

>> YOU KNOW, ERIC AND LAURA NAMED THEIR DAUGHTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT HER NAME IS?

CAROLINA.

CAROLINA.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HER NAME IS CAROLINA FOR A

REASON.

>> Stephen: FOR A REASON?

( LAUGHTER ) ARE HIS GRAND KIDS NAMED AFTER

THINGS HE NEEDS TO WIN REELECTION?

"THESE ARE MY GRANDDAUGHTERS, CAROLINA AND PENNSYLVANIA.

THOSE ARE MY GRANDSONS, VOTER SUPPRESSION, RUST BELT COAL

MINOR WHO VOTES AGAINST HIS ECONOMIC SELF-INTEREST, AND, OF

COURSE-- AND OF COURSE LITTLE KU KLUXESXKENNY.

I LOVE YOU.

>> JUST A FEW DAYS AGO THE PUNDITS DECLARED THE CAMPAIGN

DEAD.

I AM HERE TO REPORT WE ARE VERY MUCH ALIVE!

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS!

THEY SAID WE WERE DEAD!

BUT THEN THEY DUG ME UP, STRAPPED ME TO A METAL SLAB, HIT

ME WITH SOME LIGHTNING AND FRANKENSTEINED ME BACK, JACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).