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  • BUT OF COURSE TONIGHT IT WAS THE FINAL PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.

  • WE TAPED THIS SHOW RIGHT BEFORE THE DEBATE BEGAN.

  • REG, WILL YOU BE WATCHING AFTER THIS STH.

  • >> Reggie: THE DEBAIT.

  • >> THE DE-BAIT.

  • >> I WILL, FOR SURE.

  • >> James: WILL YOU.

  • >> Reggie: YEAH.

  • >> James: WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT TRUMP CANCELS OR JUST BAILS

  • AFTER FIVE MINUTES?

  • >> I DON'T KNOW, THEY GOT A LOT OF CAMERAS THERE, AND THAT DUDE

  • LOVERS ATTENTION, RIGHT?

  • LIKE I COULD MAKE A SCENE AT A BUFFET BUT IF THEY GOT ORANGE

  • CHICKEN AND PIZZA WHAT AM I GOING TO DO, LEAVE?

  • >> James: EXACTLY.

  • (APPLAUSE) 100 PERCENT T IS ALSO THE ONLY

  • PLACE THAT'S ACCEPTABLE.

  • >> THOSE TWO FOODS IN THE SAME PLACE.

  • >> James: ONLY PLACE IT IS ACCEPTABLE.

  • >> THAT'S IT.

  • IF THOSE WERE BOTH ON THE MENU AT ANOTHER RESTAURANT YOU WOULD

  • LEAVE, YOU WOULD TAKE YOUR FAMILY, WOULD YOU CALL YOUR

  • FRIENDS.

  • >> James: YOU WOULD BE JUDGED BY EVERYONE AROUND YOU.

  • ARE YOU HAVING WHAT?

  • YEAH, YEAH, I'M HAVING PIZZA SOME FRIES, THIS NOODLE DISH,

  • SOME OF EGG ROLLS, ORANGE CHICKEN AND THEN A LITTLE BIT OF

  • SASHIMI.

  • >> YOU KNOW WHAT I WILL SQUEEZE ON TO THAT PLATE?

  • JUST LIKE A LOT OF JELLO.

  • >> James: AND THAT'S IT, THAT'S MY PLATE.

  • >> I DON'T WANT TO WALK BACK FROM A BUFFET UNLESS I HAVE TO

  • WALK SO SLOWLY.

  • MY WALK TO THE BUFFET AND AWAY FROM THE BUFFET COULD NOT BE

  • MORE DIFFERENT.

  • I STRIDE, I STRIDE TO THE BUFFET LIKE THIS.

  • [BLEEP] GET IN THERE NOW.

  • AND I WAKE BACK LIKE THIS.

  • (LAUGHTER) WHERE ARE THE RIBS?

  • YOU GOT RUBS?

  • I'M SURE THEY COVERED ALL OF THIS ON COLBERT ALREADY.

  • (LAUGHTER) HERE WE GO, LIVE ON KOL BEDDER,

  • WE OPEN WITH A LOT OF BUFFET STUFF.

  • TONIGHT'S DEBATE WAS HELD ON THE CAMPUS OF BOAL MONTH UNIVERSITY

  • IN NASHVILLE TENNESSEE.

  • THERE WERE SIX TOPICS ANNOUNCED FOR TONIGHT'S DEBATE, FIGHTING

  • COVID, AMERICAN FAMILIES, RACE IN AMERICA, CLIMATE CHANGE,

  • NATIONAL SECURITY AND LEADERSHIP.

  • OR AS TRUMP CALLS THAT, HOAX, WHO CARES, FAKE NEWS, HOAX,

  • NATIONAL SECURITY AND LOCKUP JOE BIDEN.

  • BUT TONIGHT'S DE BAILT NEW RULES WERE ISSUED FOR AUDIENCE MEMBERS

  • WITHOUT EXCEPTION, ANY AUDIENCE MEMBER WITHOUT A MASK WOULD BE

  • THROWN OUT.

  • WHEN SHE HEARD THAT MELANIA IMMEDIATELY RIPPED HER MASK OFF.

  • THIS IS NASHVILLE SO OF COURSE THEY PUT IT A DIFFERENT WAY,

  • THEY SAID ANYBODY NOT WEARING A MASK WILL BE FOSSED OUT ON THAWR

  • BADONKADONK.

  • YEAH, OKAY, I CAN'T SAY THE WORD TOSSED, CLEARLY.

  • YES, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

  • THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

  • THE BADONKADONK JOKE IS FINE, IF ONLY THERE WAS A HOAX TO DISPLAY

  • THE WORD TOSS, AS YOU MAY RECALL TRUMP'S FAMILY MEMBERS TOOK OFF

  • THEIR MASK AFTER ARRIVING AT THE FIRST DEBATE.

  • AND IN THEIR DEFENSE, THEY HAD ARE A GOOD REASON.

  • THEY WERE TRYING TO GIVE COBIDEN DOE VID.

  • MEANWHILE EARLIER TODAY PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS TRYING TO

  • GET OUT AHEAD OF THE DEBATE BY RELEASING THE FOOTAGE OF HIS

  • UPCOMING INTER-- INTERVIEW WITH LESLEY STAHL.

  • HE SAID HE WANTED PEOPLE TO SEE HOW UNFAWRLY HE WAS STREET,

  • WATCH THE INTERRUPTIONS AND ANGER COMPARED MY FLEE FLOWING

  • AND MAGNIFICENTLY BRILLIANT ANSWERS.

  • >> FULL FLOWING AND MAGNIFICENTLY BRILLIANT.

  • SOUNDS LIKE HE IS DESCRIBING A HORSES MANE IT IS AMAZING SHOW

  • THAT IS WAS EASY FOR FOR TRUMP TO RELEASE UNAUTHORIZED FOOTAGE

  • FROM A MAJOR TELEVISION NETWORK THAN TO RELEASE HIS OWN TAXES.

  • THAT GOT HIM.

  • >> THAT GOT HIM.

  • >> APPARENTLY LESLEY STAHL MADE IT CLEAR TO TRUMP THAT SHE

  • PLANNED TO ASK HIM SOME DIFFICULT QUESTIONS DURING THE

  • INTERVIEW AND TRUMP WASN'T HAVING ANY OF IT.

  • >> YOU REALLY READY FOR TOUGH QUESTIONS.

  • NO.

  • >> MAYBE SHE SHOULD HAVE STARTED BY EXPLAINING TO HIM WHAT AN

  • INTERVIEW IS.

  • IT IS A SERIES OF TOUGH QUESTIONS.

  • HE IS THE SITTING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, LESS THAN TWO

  • WEEKS AWAY FROM AN ELECTION IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORLDWIDE

  • PANDEMIC WATCH.

  • DID HE THINK SHE WAS GOING TO ASK.

  • TELL ME, WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON OF THE SIMPSONS.

  • >> BUT LESLEY IS PARTLY TO BLAME FOR THIS ONE.

  • YOU CAN'T START A QUESTION TO DONALD TRUMP WITH ARE YOU READY

  • FOR, AND NOT END WITH SOME FOOTBALL!

  • AND ANOTHER POINT IN THE INTERVIEW TRUMP TURNS AND

  • STARTED TALKING TO MIKE PENCE WHO WAS ALSO THERE IN THE ROOM

  • WITH HIM.

  • AND HE ASKED PENCE TO BACK HIM UP ABOUT HIS UNFAIR TREATMENT.

  • >> MIKE, IS THAT-- YOU KNOW MIKE, RIGHT.

  • OUR VICE PRESIDENT.

  • >> I DO.

  • >> DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD ASK QUESTIONS LIKE THIS AS-- DO YOU

  • THINK SHE ASKS QUESTIONS LIKE THIS TO JOE.

  • >> James: THE CRAZY THING IS THAT WAS PROBABLY THE LEAST

  • CREEPY SCENARIO WHERE TRUMP HAS ASKED SOMEONE, ARE YOU HAVING A

  • GOOD TIME WATCHING?

  • (LAUGHTER) ALTHOUGH I LIKE THAT TRUMP

  • INTRODUCED THE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WITH YOU KNOW

  • MIKE, OUR GREAT VICE PRESIDENT.

  • YOU KNOW, THE GUY, THAT HAS GOT THE FLY ON HIS HEAD.

  • BUT TRUMP WASN'T THE ONLY ONE GETTING OUT THERE BEFORE THE

  • DEBATE.

  • PRESIDENT OBAMA WAS ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL FOR JOE BIDEN AND

  • LAST NIGHT HE SPOKE AT A DRIVE-IN RALLY IN PHILADELPHIA.

  • OBAMA REALLY PULLED NO PUNCHES DUING THE SMEECH.

  • HERE HE IS CONDEMNING TRUMP'S BEHAVIOR AS UNACCEPTABLE FOR A

  • PRESIDENT.

  • >> THAT'S NOT NORMAL PRESIDENTIAL BEHAVIOR.

  • WE WOULDN'T TOLERATE IT FROM A HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL.

  • WE WOULDN'T TOLERATE IT FROM A COACH.

  • WE WOULDN'T TOLERATE IT FROM A COWORKER.

  • WE WOULDN'T TOLERATE IN OUR OWN FAMILY EXCEPT FOR MAYBE CRAZY

  • UNCLE SOMEWHERE, YOU KNOW,-- .

  • >> James: HE CALLED IT TRUMP A CRAZY UNCLE.

  • BUT THE TRUTH IS HE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

  • IS HE A CRAZY HUSBAND, A CRAZY FATHER AND [BLEEP] HE IS

  • SOMEONE'S CRAZY SON.

  • TELL YOU WHAT, OBAMA IS LOOKING GOOD THOUGH, ISN'T HE?

  • LOOK AT THAT.

  • I SEE A BRAVE MOVE, NOT MANY PEOPLE CAN PULL OFF WEARING A

  • BABY BLUE SHIRT GIVING A SPEECH UNDER LIGHT, I WOULD BE BEYOND

  • PARANOID ABOUT PATCHES.

  • THAT IS WHY I WEAR THIS JACKET ALL THE TIME, MY ARMPITS ARE

  • CRYING UNDER HERE.

  • IF I WORE A BABY BLUE SHIRT AND ONLY A BABY BLUE SHIRT I WOULD

  • DO THE ENTIRE SPEECH LIKE THIS.

  • THEN I WOULD HAVE TO DRINK WATER LIKE TRUMP.

  • SORRY, YOU WERE SAYING? COULD YOU PULL OFF A BABY BLUE FOR A

  • SPEECH?

  • >> NO, NO, NO.

  • I WOULD LOOK LIKE A COLLEGE BASKETBALL COUCH WHO HAD MONEY

  • ON THE GAME, I WOULD BE SWEATING SO BAD.

  • AT ONE POINT OBAMA BLASTED TRUMP FOR EMBRACING CONSPIRACY

  • THEORIES.

  • >> YOU WILL BE ABLE TO GO ABOUT YOUR LIVES KNOWING THAT THE

  • PRESIDENT IS NOT GOING TO RETWEET CONSPIRACY THEORIES.

  • ABOUT SECRET CABALS RUNNING THE WORLD OR THAT NAVY SEALS DIDN'T

  • ACTUALLY KILL BIN LADEN.

  • THINK ABOUT THAT.

  • THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES RETWEETED THAT.

  • IMAGINE, WHAT, WHAT?

  • >> I DON'T THINK ANYTHING SUMS UP THE LAST FOUR YEARS BETTER

  • THAN WHAT?

  • WHAT?

  • HE SAID THAT WITH BIDEN WE WOON HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE

  • PRESIDENT RETWEETING CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT SECRET CABALS

  • RUNNING THE WORLD.

  • SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE SOMETHING THE HEAD OF ILLUMINATI WOULD

  • SAY.

  • BUT HE MAKES A GOOD POINT.

  • IT WILL BE SO NICE NOT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT THE PRESIDENT

  • RETWEETING CONSPIRACY THEORIES, MAINLY BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT

  • JOE BIDEN HAS NO IDEA WHAT A RETWEET IS.

  • HE'S LIKE A RETWEET?

  • OH, I LOVE THEM, THOSE LITTLE MARSHMALLOWS YOU GET AT EASTER,

  • THE RETWEET, OH, IF I HAVE ONE, I HAVE FIVE.

  • NOW IF ALL OF THIS HAS YOU UNBELIEVABLY STRESSED OUT,

  • TONIGHT'S DEBATE, THE UPCOMING ELECTION, DON'T WORRY THERE WAS

  • A NEW WELLNESS TREND THAT MAYBE FOR YOU, TO RELIEVE TENSION MORE

  • AND MORE PEOPLE, THIS IS TRUE, HAVE STARTED HUGGING COWS.

  • SERIOUSLY, APPARENTLY HUGGING A COW RELEASES A BONDING HORMONE

  • BY RELIEVES STRESS.

  • I MEAN IT RELIEVES YOUR STRESS.

  • THE COW IS LIKE GET THIS PERSON OFF ME.

  • WEIRDER, THE COWS ARE A GREAT SOURCE OF WELLNESS.