Hello.

So I have a New York film coming out tomorrow.

It's called when I wanted to die.

Um, it's, uh, something I made earlier this year.

About February?

Yes.

So it's eight months old, So anything that old in the YouTube world, you're like, Yeah, I hate it.

Um, but there is one thing that I don't talk about in that video that I think is really important to address.

So 2017 waas undeniably like the best year of my life.

I was in a relationship where I finally thought like, Oh, my God, I found my person.

I'm gonna marry this person.

I had amazing friendships that had cultivated after, like, years of searching for, like, my tribe and my people.

And I was the lead in the executive producer of using consequences.

The show I did with you to bread.

And it was like a dream come true.

And I loved the cast, and I loved the script, and I felt like this is what I've been working towards for, like, 10 years, just like this dream job.

And so when my depression also got the worst it's ever been in my entire life Um it felt so weird.

I was like, extremely, I have everything I ever wanted.

And yet for the first time, I'm now hearing voices or one voice, you know, it's it's just this one voice.

Was this one deep?

I would say male voice that would randomly speak up out of nowhere and say, Kill yourself And I knew I was hearing voices because it felt like it was in the room, and it felt like it was like this disembodied thing.

But it was undeniably alone wherever I was whenever I heard him in the beginning, and I didn't tell anyone about it because I selfishly thought thes people care about me so much.

If I tell people my depression so bad that I'm hearing a voice, I think they'll hospitalize me and I won't get to live my dream, Um, where they put me on medication and I won't be present for the dream that are the living.

And it was so hard because it was the moment I realized like, Oh, the problem is me, like everything is going perfect in my life.

Everything I ever wanted is happening right now, and yeah, my brain is going to decide to, like, be the most depressed it's ever been.

And give me a fucking annoying voice that's gonna tell me these terrible things.

So the problem is me.

And, um, I did not tell anybody about it for very long time.

E So I just kept it to myself.

Um, and towards the end of last year, I was like, you know what?

Like I am a hypocrite.

If I am constantly trying to be a voice for mental health and for mental illness and at the time were like, I need help, I'm refusing to get help.

Then I'm a hypocrite.

And so I talk to my therapist about it, and he was like, Oh, have you told anyone about this?

And I was like, No, I'm just kind of afraid that I also I'm worried that, like depression is a glamorous, you know, like dealing with someone who's depressed is like annoying.

Most of the time, I feel like for people around me because it's like this, this disease people don't get where you're like.

No, I know I should be happy.

No, I I know that logically.

I know I should be fine, but I'm not and my manifest itself in ways where I'm not like lying on the floor and more like I'm upset or I like, feel a lot of things manically or I'm like Happy one man.

And then I'm crying the next I'm overly sensitive.

And so it's just like all over the place, mood wise.

And so it's just that not a fun thing to live with for people who are, you know, in my life.

And he was like, You know, I feel like you really should tell the people that you love about this, Um And so I did.

I was about to tell my boyfriend when he got back from this trip, but before I could, he broke up with me and then the friends that I had some shit happened and that kind of like got put on pause and my show didn't get renewed.

And it was Christmas time, which means there was no work to Dio.

All my friends were out of town.

I now wasn't on this trip.

I was supposed to go with my boyfriend and his family, and I was home all alone for like, two or three weeks, and I got into a huge fight with my mom and spent Christmas completely alone.

And I had these two or three weeks where I was totally isolated and everything I thought I had was now gone.

And that voice just got so intense when I was by myself and for the first time, I would say, like in my life, I seriously considered very logically.

Okay, If I kill myself, how am I going to do it?

Um, what's gonna happen?

Having been on the other side, I know like it's gonna devastate my brother.

I know my parents are gonna be upset.

Um, kind of my friends will be hurt.

Who's gonna take care of my cats?

Do I need to write a will?

And it got really bad to where I had a plan.

And I know from being in this space like having a plan is like a major red flag because the only next step, then, is that person to follow the plan to kill themselves.

And I managed to talk myself out of it and be like, No, no, no, Like, this will pass, like just, you know, don't be a hypocrite.

Like, remember everything you've ever said to people who wanted to kill themselves like it's gonna pass like, Yes, it seems like it's forever right now.

Yes, Like, fuck you're So I was just so in pain and I just felt like I had nothing and like, I was nobody.

And I wasn't worth anything at all.

Um e literally like I have this big white board on my wall and I wrote out, like, Do not kill yourself, like, all across it.

And I put it on post it notes, and I put it on my bathroom mirror.

And like, just every day when the voice came, I would just, like, shut the fuck up.

And so I mean, I don't wanna be hyperbolic, and I don't want to be overdramatic, but really, the short that I made that comes out tomorrow nine.

It's sort of what I had to live for, Um, because at that moment it felt like I didn't have anything to live for.

And I'm not gonna cry.

I'm not gonna cry in a live stream.

Uh, and, uh, yeah.

So I made the short come up when I wanted to die, and it highlights every moment.

My life I've sort of wanted to die.

I mean, I pared it down, obviously.

Um, but yeah, it's really important to me.

I look back on it now because it's eight months old, like the shorts eight months old.

You're like, I could have done so many things better.

Like this is to cheesier like this is whatever, but no, they're doing that short is honestly, like I poured my savings into it because I was like, I just need something to do that reminds me of, like, why I'm here and, like, makes me wanna live, because this is really hard.

Um, and I just need to remember, like, did you to do something.

Honestly, you just do something.

So yeah, that's what it is.

E really hope you like it, I hope Hope it helps some of you who are maybe going through now what I was going through, like, 89 months ago.

But yeah, it's I'm on the other side of it.

I mean, depression is still a big old bitch, but I feel a lot better.

And I really took care of myself, at least in a way that was healthy.

And I credit that you know all the mental health education that's available online and like doing the things that you're supposed to do, Just like every single day.

I'm hoping that they add up, and eventually they dio you just It takes a while to notice, But yeah.

Um, yeah, that's what it is.

Please don't kill yourself.

If you are also suicidal, just don't do it like there's a lot.

There's a lot of great things to live for.

And now I'm pleased to say, You know, I have a really great friends.

I'm still hunting for my next dream job.

But it's all good.

And, you know, I'm single, but it's great because I got cans.

Um, yeah, life is a bunch of motherfucking ups and downs.

You just gotta write out those loans waiting to get to that next time.

Yeah.

Okay.

I hope you enjoy it.

Have a lovely day.

Stay awesome.