I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, AS IT SAYS ON THE BONE HERE.

WELL, WE ARE LIVE, RIGHT THERE, AFTER THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL

DEBATE.

TONIGHT WAS THE OPENING ROUND OF DONALD TRUMP VERSUS JOE BIDEN,

THE BATTLE OF THE BOOMERS, THE SHOWMAN JURIES THE JOE-MAN.

GET READY FOR DEMOCRACY TO CRUMBLE!

I COME TO YOU TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AN EMPTY VESSEL,

A MAN WITH A MIND WIPED CLEAN.

I HAVE STOOD IN THE SWIRLING CHAOS OF CREATION.

I HAVE SEEN SHIVA WIELDING HIS CARVINGS AGREEMENT GOUT OFT

UNIVERSE.

THE SKY ONCE RED, BLUE, AND BLACK UNTIL ALL THAT REMAINED

WAS A STARLESS VOID AND THE HOLLOWED HUSK ONCE KNOWN AS

CHRIS WALLACE.

WE ARE EMERGED FROM THE MAT WHIRLWIND WHERE WE FORBADE ON

THE GOVERNANCE OF GOD HIMSELF, AND HE SAID UNTO US, "JESUS,

STOP INTERRUPTING HIM, YOU GIANT BABY!"

YES, TONIGHT SAW THE BEST MINDS OF OUR GENERATION DESTROYED BY

MADNESS STARVING HYSTERICAL, NAKED, DRAGGING THEMSELVES

THROUGH THE STREETS AT DAWN, LOOKING FOR THE MUTE BUTTON.

FORGET FACT CHECKING THIS DEBATE.

WE COULDN'T EVEN DO ANY SENTENCE FINDING!

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS, BUT I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO

THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.

I MEAN, FOR PETE'S SAKE, CHILDREN WATCHED THAT!

I'M GLAD I'VE ALREADY HAD MY CHILDREN, BECAUSE I THINK JUST

WATCHING THAT STERILIZED ME.

BUT WHO KNOWS?

WHO WHO KNOWS?

I CAN GET EMOTIONAL.

MAYBE I'M A LITTLE OVERHEATED.

LET'S SEE WHAT THE NEWS PROFESSIONALS HAD TO SAY ABOUT

IT.

DANA BASH.

>> THAT WAS A ( BLEEP ) SHOW.

>> OKAY, OKAY.

THAT IS, FIRST OF ALL, AN INSULT TO BOTH SHOWS AND THE OTHER WORD

THAT I CAN'T SAY BECAUSE THIS IS CBS.

IT'S NOT EXACTLY ACCURATE, BECAUSE AT LEAST AFTER A

90-MINUTE POOP, YOU GENERALLY FEEL BETTER.

( LAUGHTER ) OKAY...

OH!

LET'S GET TO THE COVERAGE.

GOING INTO TONIGHT'S DEBATE, ANTICIPATION WAS A-BUB LIN'.

"THE NEW YORK TIMES" PREDICTED A CLASH OF STYLE AND IDEAS.

NO, BAD, "NEW YORK TIMES," BAD!

STOP PRETENDING THAT ANY OF THIS IS NORMAL.

THEY'RE NOT EQUIVALENT CANDIDATES.

YOU DON'T SEE A GUY TRYING TO TAKE A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL AWAY

FROM A BABY AND SAY, "THAT'S A REAL CLASH OF STYLE AND IDEAS."

BEFORE THE DEBATE STARTED, CHRIS WALLACE GAVE US A PREVIEW OF HIS

MODERATION STRATEGY, SAYING, "MY JOB IS TO BE AS INVISIBLE AS

POSSIBLE."

CHRIS, I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU TRYING TO BE INVISIBLE WOULDN'T

HELP.

HAVEN'T YOU SEEN "THE LORD OF THE RINGS."

>>> I THINK MY STRONGEST MAY BE BY FAR IS MY TEMPERAMENT.

>> Stephen: NOW, BEFORE THINGS EVEN GOT STARTED, THE DIFFERENCE

IN THE CANDIDATES WAS CLEAR BECAUSE EVERYONE IN BIDEN'S SIDE

OF THE HALL WAS WEARING A MASK.

MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON TRUMP'S SIDE, INCLUDING HIS FOUR

CHILDREN, WERE NOT WEARING MASKS.

AND ACCORDING TO THE CLEVELAND CLINIC, IT IS A REQUIREMENT THAT

ALL GUESTS WEAR MASKS.

AND THAT'S NOT A MEDICAL REQUIREMENT.

THE CLEVELAND CLINIC JUST DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ERIC'S

MOUTH.

PLUS, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN OVER VOTERS BY KILLING THEM.

MOST POLLS SHOW THAT VOTERS DO NOT RESPOND WELL TO THEIR OWN

DEATHS.

CHRIS WALLACE OPENED BY LAYING OUT THE RULES FOR THE SPARSE

AUDIENCE.

>> THE AUDIENCE HERE IN THE HALL HAS PROMISED TO REMAIN SILENT.

>> Stephen: AND NOT JUST THE REPUBLICANS WHO HAVE BEEN

COWARDS FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS.

EVEN THOUGH THE CANDIDATES DID NOT SHAKE HAND, THEY DID CHANGE

PLEASANTRIES.

( APPLAUSE ) >> HOW YOU DOING, MAN?

>> Stephen: TO WHICH TRUMP REPLIED, "I'M OKAY, HOW A ARE YU

DOING MAN, PERSON, WOMAN, CAMERA, TV."

IT SEEMS PRETTY CLEAR FROM THE BEGINNING THAT TRUMP'S DEBATE

STRATEGY WAS JUST TO TALK OVER EVERYONE.

>> LET ME ASK MY QUESTION.

>> I'LL ASK JOE.

THE INDIVIDUAL MANDATE WAS THE MOST UNPOPULAR--

>> MR. PRESIDENT, MR. PRESIDENT, I'D LIKE-- I'M THE MODERATOR OF

THIS DEBATE AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO CAN LET ME ASK MY QUESTION.

>> Stephen: AND HE JUST KEPT DOING IT ALL NIGHT.

IT REMINDED WHEN ABRAHAM LINCOLN DEBATED A LEAF BLOWER.

JOE BIDEN DID GET IN SOME ZINGERS.

>> MR. PRESIDENT, CAN YOU LET HIM FINISH, SIR?

>> HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.

>> Stephen: TO WHICH MELANIA RESPONDED, "NO YOU WOULDN'T."

EVENTUALLY, BIDEN HAD JUST HAD IT.

>> WELL YOU SHUT UP, MAN.

.>> Stephen: NO, NO, HE WON'T.

IMAGINE IF THAT WORKED!

IT'S NOT GREAT WHEN YOU HAVE TO SAY THE SAME THING TO THE

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES THAT YOU WOULD SHOUT AT A FRIEND

WHO WON'T STOP RANTING ABOUT HOW VAN HALEN WAS ACTUALLY A BETTER

BAND WITH SAMMY HAGAR.

BIDEN TRIED TO HIGHLIGHT JUST HOW BAD TRUMP HAS BEEN ON THE

CORONAVIRUS.

>> AND, BY THE WAY, MAYBE YOU COULD INJECT SOME BLEACH IN YOUR

ARM AND THAT WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT.

>> THAT WAS SAID SARCASTICALLY AND YOU KNOW THAT.

>> Stephen: IT WAS SARCASM, JUST LIKE MY OATH TO HOLD UP THE

CONSTITUTION AND MY MARRIAGE VOWS.

I GUESS I'M JUST TOO HIP FOR THE ROOM.

THEN, THEN THINGS GOT A LITTLE PERSONAL.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE DIED, AND A LOT MORE ARE GOING TO DIE UNLESS

HE GETS A LOT SMARTER A LOT QUICKER.

>> MR. PRESIDENT.

>> DID YOU USE THE WORD "SMART?" DON'T EVER USE THE WORD SMART

WITH ME.

DON'T EVER USE THAT WORD.

>> Stephen: I CAN IMAGINE TRUMP IS NOT USED TO HEARING

THAT WORD AROUND HIM VERY MUCH.

WALLACE TRIED TO PAINT THE DIFFERENCE IN THE TWO

CANDIDATES' CAMPAIGNING STYLES QUIRK.

>> PRESIDENT TRUMP, YOU'RE HOLDING THE LARGE RALLIES WITH

CROWDS PACKED TOGETHER, THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.

>> OUTSIDE.

>> OUTSIDE, YES, SIR, AGREED.

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN YOU ARE HOLDING MUCH SMALLER EVENTS.

WHY YOU HOLDING THE BIG RALLIES, WHY YOU NOT?

>> Sephen: WE ALREADY KNOW THE BIG RALLIES ARE BAD, CHRIS.

THIS IS LIKE ASKING, "MR. PRESIDENT, YOU'RE TYING

LADIES TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS AS THE CHOO-CHOO TRAINS ARE

COMING."

MR. BIDEN, WHY DID YOU GO WITH THE STRATEGY NOT KILLING YOUR

SUPPORTERS?

HE TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT THE RALLIES ARE A HEALTH RISK.

>> HE'S NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

>> NO NEGATIVE EFFECT.

WE'VE HAD 35, 40,000 PEOPLE AT THESE RALLY S.

>> Stephen: NO NEGATIVE EFFECT FROM YOUR RALLY POSITIVE

UPON THAT'S AN INTERESTING POINT.

HERMAN CANE, YOUR THOUGHTS?

HERMAN CANE.

EVIDENTLY WE'RE HAVING CONNECTION ISSUES WITH THE GREAT

BEYOND.

NOW, TRUMP LAMENTED THE DAMAGING EFFECTS OF THE LOCKDOIN.

>> YOU LOOK AT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH DIVORCE.

>> Stephen: "I MEAN EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, THERE ARE WIVES SAYING

TO THEIR HUSBANDS,' DONALD THE SECOND YOU'RE OUT OF OFFICE I'M

LEAVING YOU AND YOUR UNSPEAKABLE BURGER FARTS.

WAR CRIME, SHE USED THE WORD WAR CRIME.

SHE'S GOING TO DRAG MY ASS."

( LAUGHTER ) COME ON.

YOU HAVE TO FIND YOUR HAPPINESS WHERE YOU CAN.

TRUMP BRAGGED ABOUT HOW HE'S RESCUED THE WIDE WORLD OF

SPORTS.

>> I'M THE ONE THAT BROUGHT BACK FOOTBALL.

>> Stephen: TO WHICH THE CLEVELAND BROWNS FANS SAID,

"YEAH, WE'RE GOOD."

TRUMP THEN TRIED TO DEFEND PAYING SO LITTLE IN TAXES.

>> BEFORE I CAME HERE, I WAS A PRIVATE DEVELOPER.

I WAS A PRIVATE BUSINESSPEOPLE.

>> I WAS A PRIVATE BUSINESSPEOPLE.

IT WAS ME AND A BUNCH OF MES THAT I MADE UP FOR TAX

WRITE-OFFS.

THE PEOPLE.

THEN JOE, HE JUST GOT FED UP.

>> YOU ARE THE WORST PRESIDENT AMERICA HAS EVER HAD.

>> Stephen: COME ON NOW, MR. VICE PRESIDENT.

THAT'S NOT FAIR.

HE'S ALSO THE WORST PRESIDENT AMERICA WILL EVER HAVE.

TRUMP TRIED TO HIT JOE WHERE IT HURT-- HIS RECORD.

>> I'VE DONE MORE IN-- IN 47 MONTHS, I'VE DONE MORE THAN YOU

HAVE DONE IN 47 YEARS, JOE.

>> Stephen: I, YOU KNOW,...

THAT'S POSSIBLE.