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  • >> Stephen: FANTASTIC.

  • FANTASTIC TO BE HERE, EVERYBODY.

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • PUT THE COFFEE DOWN, DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO GET BURNED.

  • WE'VE HAD SOME FUN WITH DONALD TRUMP OVER THE YEARS.

  • WE'VE LAUGHED, WE'VE CRIED, WE'VE MOSTLY CRIED.

  • BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE YOU GET A TROUBLING REMINDER THAT

  • HE'S PRESIDENT.

  • LKE THIS WEEKEND WHEN, TO FILL RUTH BADER GINSBERG'S SEAT ON

  • THE SUPREME COURT, TRUMP NOMINATED FEDERAL JUDGE AND

  • IN-HOUSE ATTORNEY AT WESTWORLD, AMY CONEY BARRETT.

  • SENATE REPUBLICANS CELEBRATED BY HAWKING FUNDRAISING T-SHIRTS

  • THAT SAY, "NOTORIOUS A.C.B."

  • R.B.G.'S NOT EVEN IN THE GROUND YET AND YOU'RE STEALING HER

  • NICKNAME?

  • THAT'S THE MOST GHOULISH MOVE SINCE 1865 WHEN ANDREW JOHNSON

  • CALLED HIMSELF HONEST ANDY.

  • "I SHALL NOT PERISH FROM THIS EARTH."

  • A LOT OF VOTERS SEE THIS AS JUST A NAKED POWER GRAB, BECAUSE

  • ACCORDING TO A RECENT "WASHINGTON POST"-ABC

  • NEWS-FROSTED FLAKES POLL, 57% OF AMERICANS SAY THE SUPREME

  • COURT PICK SHOULD BE LEFT TO THE WINNER OF THE PRESIDENTIAL

  • ELECTION.

  • THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS DON'T WANT TRUMP TO FILL R.B.G.'S SEAT

  • RIGHT NOW.

  • BUT, IF THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS GOT WHAT THEY WANTED

  • HILLARY CLINTON WOULD BE PRESIDENT, JON SNOW WOULD BE ON

  • THE IRON THRONE, AND MALLOMARS WOULD BE AVAILABLE YEAR ROUND.

  • COME ON, NABISCO!

  • HAVE YOU HEARD OF REFRIGERATED TRUCKS?

  • SEASONAL COOKIE MY ASS!

  • FIGHT IT?

  • FIGHT IT.

  • BUT THERE'S NOT A LOT DEMOCRATS CAN DO TO STOP BARRETT FROM

  • BEING CONFIRMED.

  • AS ILLINOIS SENATOR DICK DURBIN EXHALED THIS WEEKEND:

  • >> WE CAN SLOW IT DOWN PERHAPS A MATTER OF HOURS, MAYBE DAYS AT

  • THE MOST, BUT WE CAN'T STOP THE OUTCOME.

  • >> STEPHEN: SENATOR DURBIN IS RIGHT.

  • JUSTICE BARRETT IS INEVITABLE.

  • LIKE DEATH AND DONALD TRUMP NOT PAYING HIS TAXES.

  • SPEAKING OF WHICH, LAST NIGHT WE LEARNED "'THE NEW YORK TIMES'

  • OBTAINED DONALD TRUMP'S TAXES FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS."

  • WE GOT THE RETURNS!

  • AND TRUMP IS IN SOME DEEP W-2 DOO.

  • NOW, "THE NEW YORK TIMES" WOULDN'T REVEAL THEIR SOURCES,

  • BUT WE DO HAVE THIS EXCLUSIVE LEAKED FOOTAGE OF "TIMES"

  • REPORTERS OBTAINING TRUMP'S RETURNS.

  • (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) NOT SURE WHY IT CUTS BACK TO

  • ALFRED MOLINA SO LONG THERE AT THE END.

  • HE'S A FINE ACTOR BUT I THINK WE'RE DONE WHEN HE GETS THE

  • TAXES.

  • ( BLEEP ).

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CRUNCHING SOUNDS )

  • ONE OF THE BIG HEADLINES IS THAT IN 2016, THE YEAR HE WON THE

  • PRESIDENCY, TRUMP PAID $750 IN FEDERAL INCOME TAXES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) $750?!

  • TRUMP PAID STORMY DANIELS $130,000, AND HE SCREWED THE

  • COUNTRY WAY MORE.

  • AND 750'S GENEROUS BECAUSE, TURNS OUT, TRUMP PAID NO INCOME

  • TAXES AT ALL IN TEN OF THE PREVIOUS 15 YEARS.

  • PARTLY BECAUSE OF QUESTIONABLE SO-CALLED BUSINESS EXPENSES,

  • INCLUDING MORE THAN $70,000 PAID TO STYLE HIS HAIR DURING "THE

  • APPRENTICE."

  • HE SPENT $70,000 ON THAT?

  • I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING TO SAY THIS, BUT... HE SHOULD HAVE PAID

  • MORE.

  • TRUMP FOUND SO MANY LOOPHOLES THAT IN 2010, HE CLAIMED, AND

  • RECEIVED, AN INCOME TAX REFUND TOTALING $72.9 MILLION.

  • I ASSUME WHEN THE GOVERNMENT SENDS YOU A REFUND THAT BIG, THE

  • CHAIRMAN OF THE FED SHOWS UP WITH A GIANT NOVELTY CHECK.

  • AND YOU KNOW HOW TRUMP'S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HOW HE'S UNDER

  • AUDIT?

  • TURNS OUT, THAT'S BECAUSE THE I.R.S. ISN'T CERTAIN THAT

  • TRUMP'S REFUND WAS, UH, THE LEGAL.

  • AND HE BETTER WIN THIS AUDIT, BECAUSE IF HE LOSES HE WOULD OWE

  • THE I.R.S. TAXES AND PENALTIES THAT COULD EXCEED $100 MILLION.

  • (AS TRUMP) "HEY, MEXICO, FORGET ABOUT THAT

  • WALL.

  • JUST PAY FOR MY TAX BILL.

  • UNCLE SAM'S GONNA TAKE MY THUMBS.

  • HE'S GONNA TAKE MY THUMBS!" THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE OL' FAKE

  • BILLIONAIRE PRESIDENT WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO PAY THAT BILL

  • BECAUSE TURNS OUT THE PRESIDENT'S BUSINESSES HAVE

  • AMASSED CHRONIC LOSSES THAT HE AGGRESSIVELY EMPLOYS TO AVOID

  • PAYING TAXES.

  • IT'S A CLASSIC "PRODUCERS" SITUATION.

  • TRUMP TRIED TO EARN MORE MONEY WITH A FLOP THAN WITH A HIT.

  • ALSO, THERE ARE NAZIS.

  • IN FACT, SINCE 2000, TRUMP'S BELOVED GOLF COURSES HAVE BEEN

  • $315.6 MILLION IN THE HOLE.

  • SOMEONE NEEDS TO EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT IN GOLF YOU WANT A LOW

  • SCORE, IN GOLF BUSINESS YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO FINISH 315

  • MILLION UNDER PAR.

  • ONE OF THE FEW THINGS THAT EARNED TRUMP ANY MONEY WAS "THE

  • APPRENTICE," WHICH BROUGHT HIM A TOTAL OF $427 MILLION.

  • SO TRUMP MADE MORE MONEY IN REALITY TV THAN HE DID IN

  • REALITY.

  • THAT EXPLAINS HIS NEW SERIES "SO YOU THOUGHT HE WAS A

  • MILLIONAIRE."

  • NOW, SOME ARE SAYING HIS DIRE FINANCIAL STRAITS PROVE THAT HE

  • ONLY RAN FOR PRESIDENT TO REANIMATE THE MARKETABILITY OF

  • HIS NAME.

  • BUT IT'S A CLASSIC BRANDING STRATEGY.

  • >> ADVERTISING IS BASED ON ONE THING --

  • >> DESTROYING DEMOCRACY!

  • >> Stephen: IN ADDITION TO TRUMP'S BUSINESS

  • LOSSES, HE IS PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR LOANS AND OTHER

  • DEBTS TOTALING $421 MILLION.

  • TO PUT THAT IN LAYMEN'S TERMS: I CAN'T.

  • IT'S $421 MILLION.

  • BUT I WILL SAY THIS: WHEN I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE, I OWED

  • MY UNIVERSITY $100, 'CAUSE I LOST A LIBRARY

  • BOOK, AND THEY WOULDN'T SEND ME MY DIPLOMA.

  • I HAD TO BORROW IT FROM MY MOM.

  • BUT $421 MILLION, NORMALLY YOU DON'T FIND SOMEONE WHO OWES THAT

  • KIND OF MONEY IN THE OVAL OFFICE.

  • YOU FIND THEM WASHED UP ON THE BANKS OF A RIVER.

  • AND TRUMP ONLY LOOKS LIKE HE WASHED UP ON THE BANKS OF A

  • RIVER.

  • ♪ ♪

  • ♪ >> BLOAT GLOAT SLAM!

  • >> STEPHEN: SO, SOMEBODY OUT THERE, WE DON'T KNOW WHO, HAS

  • GOT THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD BY THE SHORT HAIRS.

  • IF HE GETS REELECTED, AIR FORCE ONE IS GONNA END UP ON

  • "PAWNSTARS."

  • "BEST I COULD DO IS $2,000.

  • IT'S GOT A LOT OF HAMBURGER STAINS."

  • IT'S BAD, IT'S VERY, VERY BAD FOR A PRESIDENT TO OWE SO MUCH

  • MONEY.

  • IN FACT, SIGNIFICANT DELINQUENT DEBT DISQUALIFIES MOST PEOPLE

  • FROM OBTAINING A GOVERNMENT SECURITY CLEARANCE BECAUSE IT'S

  • A POINT OF LEVERAGE FOR FOREIGN ADVERSARIES.

  • YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYONE WITH THAT KIND OF CONFLICT OF INTEREST.

  • YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO GO IN FOR LIVER SURGERY AND FIND OUT YOUR

  • DOCTOR OWES A LOT OF MONEY TO HANNIBAL LECTER.

  • "IS THE PATIENT SEDATED?

  • GREAT, OPEN THE CHIANTI AND START SAUTEÉING THE FAVA BEANS."

  • NOW, OF COURSE THE PRESIDENT HAD A RESPONSE TO THESE ALLEGATIONS.

  • AND MUCH LIKE THE FINANCES THEMSELVES, IT DOESN'T EXACTLY

  • STAND UP TO SCRUTINY.

  • HE TWEETED, "THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA, JUST LIKE ELECTION TIME

  • 2016, IS BRINGING UP MY TAXES AND ALL SORTS OF OTHER NONSENSE

  • WITH ILLEGALLY OBTAINED INFORMATION AND ONLY BAD

  • INTENT."

  • WAIT.

  • IT CAN'T BE BOTH MADE UP AND ILLEGALLY OBTAINED.

  • IT'S A LIKE A HUSBAND SAYING "I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH YOUR

  • SISTER!

  • ALSO, WLKING IN ON US WAS A HUGE VIOLATION OF OUR PRIVACY."

  • THIS WEEKEND, JOE BIDEN PICKED UP A KEY ENDORSEMENT: FORMER

  • PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER AND BUILDING THAT WISHED TO BE A

  • REAL BOY, DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON."

  • JOHNSON MADE HIS ANNOUNCEMENT IN A VIDEO ON SUNDAY MORNING.

  • >> HAPPY SUNDAY, EVERYBODY.

  • WE ARE APPROXIMATELY FIVE WEEKS AWAY FROM ELECTION DAY.

  • ARGUABLY THE MOST CRITICAL ELECTION OUR COUNTRY HAS SEEN IN

  • DECADES.

  • >> STEPHEN: POWERFUL WORDS-- I ASSUME.

  • I WASN'T LISTENING BECAUSE I WAS TOO DISTRACTED BY HOW

  • ABSOLUTELY MEAT-BEEFED HE IS!

  • GOOD GOD.

  • IT'S LIKE SOMEONE STUFFED A CASHMERE SWEATER FULL OF BOWLING

  • BALLS.

  • JEFF KOONS CALLED.

  • HE WANTS HIS STEEL BALLOON ANIMAL BACK.

  • ♪ ♪

  • ♪ >> POP ART SLAM!

  • >> STEPHEN: THE ROCK ALSO POSTED A CLIP FROM A ZOOM CALL HE DID

  • WITH BIDEN AND KAMALA HARRIS WHERE HE HAD A QUESTION FOR

  • THEM: >> HOW WILL THE BOTH OF YOU EARN

  • THE RESPECT OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

  • ONCE YOU'RE IN THE WHITE HOUSE?

  • >> BY DOING WHAT WE SAY WE'RE GONNA DO.