WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I AM STILL RECOVERING FROM LAST

NIGHT'S AGONIZING PRESIDENTIAL SHOUT-FEST, IN WHICH DONALD

TRUMP INTERRUPTED JOE BIDEN OVER 70 TIMES WHILE CHRIS WALLACE

TRIED TO STOP HIM LIKE A BABY THROWING PENNIES AT A

BATTLESHIP.

TRUMP WAS OUT OF CONTROL THE ENTIRE EVENING.

THE WHOLE THING GAVE A NEW MEANING TO THE TERM "WHITE

NOISE."

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT CHRIS WALLACE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO.

AT THE NEXT DEBATE, THEY SHOULD JUST GIVE THE MODERATOR A

BUTTON TO BRING ON THE SLIME.

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DESPISED LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE.

ACCORDING TO A CBS POLL, OF THE PEOPLE WHO WATCHED IT,

69% FELT ANNOYED.

ANNOYED.

REALLY, EVIDENTLY, "GOUGING OUT MY EYES WITH A GRAPEFRUIT SPOON"

WAS NOT AN OPTION.

SURPRISINGLY, THE VERY SAME POLL FOUND THAT 17% OF DEBATE

WATCHERS CAME AWAY FEELING INFORMED.

REALLY?

17% FELT INFORMED AFTER WATCHING THAT?

WHAT DID THEY LEARN?

I LEARNED THAT WHEN THEY GO LOW, THEY CAN ACTUALLY GO MUCH

LOWER.

A CNN POLL ALSO FOUND THAT SIX IN 10 SAY BIDEN WON THE DEBATE.

WON?

I TAKE EXCEPTION TO THAT.

THERE ARE NO WINNERS HERE, EXCEPT FOR ARIS, THE TRICKSTER

GOD OF CHAOS.

A WINNER IMPLIES A CONTEST WHERE THE PARTIES FOLLOW AGREED-UPON

RULES TO REACH A SPECIFIC GOAL.

THIS WAS MORE LIKE WATCHING A BASKETBALL GAME WHERE THE FINAL

SCORE WAS "THE BEAUTIFUL FLAMES.

THEY TALK TO ME UPON ONE THING THAT EXPERTS AGREE ON

IS DEBATES DON'T REALLY CHANGE ANYTHING.

SO NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE, AND WE HAVE TO DO THIS TWO MORE

TIMES!

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING

THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECTING DONALD TRUMP

TO SHUT UP.

IT'S HARD TO WATCH ANY OF THIS AND BELIEVE ANYONE COULD STILL

BE OUT THERE UNDECIDED, BUT THEY EVIDENTLY ARE.

AND LAST NIGHT, THERE WAS A FOCUS GROUP OF THESE MENTALLY

IMPAIRED UNICORNS ORGANIZED BY REPUBLICAN POLLSTER AND GUY

DRUNK DIALING BATMAN, FRANK LUNTZ.

LUNTZ-- HI, FRANK!

GATHERED 15 UNDECIDEDS TO RESPOND TO THE DEBATE OVER ZOOM.

OH, PLEASE, PLEASE CAN WE DO THE NEXT DEBATE OVER ZOOM?

( AS MODERATOR ) "MR. PRESIDENT, I'M PUTTING YOU

ON MUTE.

NO, DON'T SHARE YOUR SCREEN!

YOUR TABS AREN'T SAFE FOR WORK!" AND LUNTZ ASKED THEM THIS

QUESTION: >> MICHELLE, WORD OR PHRASE TO

DESCRIBE DONALD TRUMP TONIGHT?

>> HORRID.

>> SARAH?

>> CHAOTIC.

>> ROB?

>> UNPOLISHED.

>> RUTHY?

>> CRACKHEAD.

>> Stephen: CRACKHEAD.

HOW DARE YOU MALIGN THE GOOD NAME OF CRACKHEADS.

UNLIKE DONALD TRUMP, CRACKHEADS HAVE A CLEAR POLICY: GIVE ME

SOME CRACK.

ONE FOCUS GROUP MEMBER OFFERED THIS:

( SCREAMING ) >> Stephen: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO

USE THE DIAL, MERRILL.

JUST USE THE DIAL.

BUT DESPITE THEIR HARSH WORDS ABOUT TRUMP, THE VOTERS STILL

COULDN'T MAKE UP THEIR MINDS POST-DEBATE, LIKE JENNIFER FROM

PENNSYLVANIA, WHO SAID THIS: >> OH, I AM DEFINITELY

UNDECIDED.

I HAVE NO CLUE WHO I'M GOING TO VOTE TO-- FOR.

I DON'T KNOW WHO'S GOING TO GET MY VOTE.

I WANT TO SEE ANOTHER DEBATE.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

AT THIS POINT, I TRULY DO NOT KNOW WHAT COULD SWAY UNDECIDED

VOTERS.

"WELL, THE ONE GUY MAKES ME EMBARRASSED TO LIVE IN MY

COUNTRY.

BUT THE OTHER GUY IS SLEEPY, ACCORDING TO THE FIRST GUY WHO,

AGAIN, IS A TOTAL PSYCHOPATH.

SO, IT'S A COIN TOSS."

JENNIFER WASN'T ALONE.

ROB FROM IOWA SAID THIS: >> THAT WAS EMBARRASSING.

PERSONALLY, IT'S A DARTBOARD FOR ME RIGHT NOW,

WHO'S GONNA WIN IT.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

BECAUSE WATCHING TRUMP, MY REACTION WAS LESS DARTBOARD AND

MORE TRANQ DART: >> THE ONLY THING I HAVEN'T DONE

A GOOD JOB, AND IT'S BECAUSE OF THE FAKE NEWS.

>> IT'S JUST FAKE NEWS.

>> Stephen: IT'S FINE.

THEY'RE GOING TO PUT AN EAR TAG ON HIM AND RELEASE HIM BACK INTO

THE WILD.

HE'S GOT A VERY HIGH THRESHOLD FOR PAIN.

ONE FOCUS GROUP MEMBER DID STAND OUT FROM THE REST BY DELIVERING

A CLEAR, CONCISE OPINION OF THE PRESIDENT.

HERE'S LUKE FROM WISCONSIN: >> TRUMP IS ANNOYING.

HE'S UNPRESIDENTIAL.

HE'S ANNOYING.

AND IT'S LIKE NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD.

>> Stephen: YES, FINALLY!

THANK YOU, LUKE.

YOU'RE LIVING PROOF THAT UNDECIDED VOTERS ARE CAPABLE OF

SEEING THE LIGHT AND-- >> BUT HIM ACTING THAT WAY

DOESN'T NECESSARILY IMPACT MY BOTTOM LINE.

>> Stephen: UH, MERYL, IF YOU DON'T MIND?

( SCREAMING ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU.

BUT THE MOST HORRIFYING MOMENT OF THIS-- OR REALLY ANY DEBATE--

WAS WHEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DID NOT CONDEMN

WHITE SUPREMACY.

>> ARE YOU WILLING TONIGHT TO CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACISTS

AND MILITIA GROUPS-- >> SURE.

I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING.

I WANT TO SEE PEACE-- >> THEN DO IT, SIR.

>> DO IT.

SAY IT.

>> YOU WANNA CALL THEM?

WHAT DO YOU WANNA CALL THEM?

GIVE ME A NAME.

GIE ME A NAME.

>> WHITE SUPREMICISTS AND RIGHT WING MILITIA.

>> PROUD BOYS, STAND BACK AND STAND BY.

>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT DENOUNCING.

THAT'S TROUBLING.

IT'S LIKE WHEN THE DEBATE MODERATOR ASKED NIXON TO

DENOUNCE PSYCHOTIC THRILL-KILL CULTS, AND HE SAID:

MANSON FAMILY, STAND BACK AND STAND BY.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE LITTLE PIGGIES CRAWLING IN THE DIRT?

HELTER SKELTER.

HELTER SKELTER!" HE SAID THAT.

I LEGALLY COULD NOT MAKE THAT JOKE UNLESS HE ACTUALLY SAID

THAT.

IF I'M WRONG, MR. NIXON, CALL ME.

THE PROUD BOYS HEARD TRUMP'S MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR, BECAUSE

WITHIN MINUTES, GROUP MEMBERS CALLED THE PRESIDENT'S

COMMENT A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF THEIR VIOLENT TACTICS.

NOW, THAT'S JUST NOT FAIR.

THERE WAS NOTHING TACIT ABOUT IT.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING CARDI B OFFERED A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF

NATURAL LUBRICATION.

THE PRESIDENT'S CHOICE OF WORDS WAS SO INSPIRING TO THESE RACIST

NUMBSKULLS THAT TODAY, THE PROUD BOYS STARTED SELLING MERCH WITH

THEIR NEW CATCHPHRASE.

A GOOD INDICATION THAT YOU DIDN'T PROPERLY DENOUNCE SOMEONE

IS WHEN THEY MAKE YOUR DENOUNCIATION THEIR NEW SLOGAN.

THAT'S WHY JOE McCARTHY NEVER WORE A T-SHIRT THAT SAID, "AT

LONG LAST, SIR, HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?"

NOW THIS IS A WEIRD LITTLE DETAIL.

THE PROUD BOYS NAME IS A REFERENCE TO A SONG FROM THE

STAGED MUSICAL VERSION OF THE DISNEY FILM "ALADDIN."

IT'S AN OBSCURE REFERENCE TO BROADWAY.

BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU EXPECT FROM TOXIC RIGHT-WING ALPHA

MALES: SHOW TUNES!

"FOSSE, FOSSE, GOOSE STEP, FOSSE, FOSSE, SHOOT."

THE GROUP HAS STAUNCH RIGHT-WING BELIEFS, INCLUDING

"VENERATING THE HOUSEWIFE."

LISTEN, I HOPE THEY HAVE GOOD LAWYERS, BECAUSE THAT'S ALSO THE

NAME OF ANDY CONE'S NEW BRAVO SHOW!

MOST ALARMINGLY, THEIR PLATFORM ALSO INCLUDES A PLEDGE TO REFUSE

TO MASTURBATE.

WHICH IS ODD BECAUSE THEIR WHITE POWER HAND GESTURES LOOK LIKE

THEY'RE READY TO, LET'S SAY, FLOG THE FUROR AT ANY MOMENT.

WHERE DID THEY RECRUIT THESE YOUNG MEN?

( AS MOM ) ( KNOCKING )

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, JOHNNY?"

( AS TEEN ) "NOTHING.

GOD, JUST PLANNING A RACE WAR!" AND WHAT DO THEY MEAN, "REFUSE"?

WHO'S OUT THERE DEMANDING THAT THEY MASTURBATE?

( AS PROUD BOY ) "ALL THESE SOCIALIST FEMINISTS

WITH THEIR YOGA PANTS AND SPORTS BRAS WANT ME TO HAMMER MY OWN