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>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
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YOU KNOW, I SPEND HOURS TRAINING AND COSTUMING THE MOST TOPICAL
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QUEBECOIS NEWS ACROBATS, AND BEJEWELED STORY HARLEQUINS
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THAT MAKE UP THE FABULOUS, FEAST-FOR-THE-SENSES "CIRQUE DU
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SOLEIL" PERFORMANCE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
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BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES IT'S NICE TO JUST ROUND UP SOME
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AGED-OUT GYMNASTS, SLAP SOME LYCRA BODYSUITS ON THEM, AND
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DRIVE THEM AROUND THE COUNTRY FOR THE RAMSHACKLE HOBO CIRCUS
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OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
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QUARANTINE-WHILE, PEOPLE LOVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE ROYAL
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FAMILY, SO THIS PHOTO HAS GONE VIRAL TODAY OF "PRINCE
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WILLIAM PEERING LONGINGLY INTO A LONDON KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN."
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APPARENTLY, HE'S BORED OF ENGLAND'S FAST FOOD CHICKEN
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CHAIN, "LEFTENANT SAUNDERS' CHESHIRE-BOILED BIRD
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TASTIES."
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IT'S DIGIT-SNOGGING SATISFACTORY.
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OF COURSE, I FEEL KIND OF BAD FOR HIM.
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HE SO CLEARLY WANTS TO GO IN, BUT HIS ROYAL STATION PREVENTS
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IT.
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(AS WILLIAM) "OH, TO BE A LOWLY PLEBEIAN BUT
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FOR A DAY, THAT I MIGHT SAVOR THE ELECTRIC GREEN COLESLAW AND
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CREST THE SNOWY PEAKS OF A 32-OUNCE MOUNTAIN DEW!"
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QUARANTINE-WHILE, SPEAKING OF ROYALTY, BRUCE WILLIS HAS
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RETURNED AS JOHN MCCLANE IN AN AD FOR "DIE HARD" CAR
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BATTERIES.
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THE MOST ON-THE-NOSE USE OF A CLASSIC ACTION MOVIE FOR
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ADVERTISING SINCE "RAMBO: FIRST BUD," AND "JOHN VICKS VAPORUB."
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QUARANTINE-WHILE, AIR NEW -- 72 PEOPLE DIED IN THAT
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COMMERCIAL.
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QUALITY KILLS, THOUGH.
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QUARANTINE-WHILE, AIR NEW ZEALAND IS OFFERING SOMETHING
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THEY CALL A "MYSTERY BREAK," WHERE CUSTOMERS BOOK THEIR
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FLIGHTS AND HOTEL WITHOUT LEARNING OF THE ACTUAL
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DESTINATION UNTIL TWO DAYS BEFORE DEPARTURE.HO
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STILL LESS MYSTERIOUS THAN SPIRIT AIRLINES, WHERE YOU KNOW
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YOUR DESTINATION, BUT NOT WHAT BODILY FLUID SOILED THE SEAT
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FROM THE LAST CUSTOMER.
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THAT JOKE BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
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I'M SORRY, HONEY, I -- ANYWAY.
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QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN AN HISTORICAL DEVELOPMENT FOR THE
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CATHOLIC CHURCH, "POPE FRANCIS JUST BECAME THE FIRST POPE TO
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ENDORSE SAME-SEX CIVIL UNIONS."
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THANK YOU, YOUR HOLINESS.
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YOU'VE FINALLY LED THE CHURCH INTO THE FUTURE OF 1997!
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SPOILER ALERT: ROSS AND RACHEL EVENTUALLY GET TOGETHER.
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IT'S KIND OF CUTE.
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FRANKIE MADE THE COMMENTS IN A NEW DOCUMENTARY, IN WHICH HE
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SAYS "HOMOSEXUAL PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE IN A FAMILY.
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THEY ARE CHILDREN OF GOD.
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YOU CAN'T KICK SOMEONE OUT OF A FAMILY, NOR MAKE THEIR LIFE
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MISERABLE FOR THIS.W DOCUMENTARY SAYS "HOMOSEXUAL PEOPLE HAVE THE
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RIGHT TO BE IN A FAM WHAT WE HAVE TO HAVE IS A CIVIL
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UNION LAW; THAT WAY THEY ARE LEGALLY COVERED."
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HE'S RIGHT.
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THE ONLY WAY GAY PEOPLE SHOULD BE MADE MISERABLE IS THEIR
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STRAIGHT FRIENDS DRINKING TOO MUCH AND INSISTING ON TELLING
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THEM ABOUT THAT ONE TIME IN COLLEGE.
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( LAUGHTER ) TWO TIMES.
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NOW, AS YOU MIGHT IMAGINE, THE POPE REVERSING COURSE ON GAY
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CIVIL UNIONS HAS RUFFLED A FEW FEATHERS IN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH,
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YES, AND SOME OF THE CLERGY WORE FEATHERS.
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SUCH AS A DIRECTOR FOR THE NEW YORK ARCHDIOCESE, WHO SAID THAT
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THE POPE "HAD MADE A SERIOUS MISTAKE."
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UM, PERHAPS THE ARCHDIOCESE HAS FORGOTTEN THAT WE CATHOLICS HAVE
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THIS LITTLE THING CALLED "PAPAL INFALLIBILITY."
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IF YOU'RE NOT INTO THAT, YOU JOINED THE WRONG CLUB.
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THAT'S LIKE JOINING THE ROCKETTES AND SAYING "I'LL DO
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THIS, BUT I'M NOT INTO SEQUINS OR KICKING.
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MIGHT PULL A HAMMY."
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QUARANTINE-WHILE, NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO SMELL LIKE SIR ANTHONY
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HOPKINS WITH THE NEW "ANTHONY HOPKINS EAU DE PARFUM."
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AND WHAT DOES IT SMELL LIKE, SIR ANTHONY?
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>> FAVA BEANS AND A NICE CHIANTI.
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( RAPIDLY SUCKING IN AIR ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
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PERFORMANCE BY MATT BERNINGER.