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  • Squidward Tentacles used to host these bizarre,

  • yet awesome horoscope shorts

  • that aired on Nickelodeon back in the day.

  • Let's see what's written in the stars for these zodiac signs,

  • as we uncover Squidward's olden day horoscopes

  • from the vault.

  • And now, Astrology With Squidward.

  • [music playing]

  • Today we explore Sagittarius, sign of the...

  • Eh, half horse, half guy with a bow and arrow.

  • The good thing about Sagittarians, they have great aim.

  • No matter. I was voted most artistic in high school.

  • Ouch!

  • The bad thing about them, they poop while they're walking.

  • So never march behind them in a parade.

  • Ah, POOP.

  • My prediction for Sagittarius in the coming year:

  • you won't eat enough green vegetables.

  • I'm Squidward your Nick Tune astrologer,

  • reminding you that if you smelt it, chances are you dealt it.

  • [playing clarinet]

  • Say happy birthday to Taurus the bull.

  • Taurus is the most clumsy and oafish of all zodiac signs.

  • That's it!

  • [screaming]

  • They tend to break delicate objects just by walking past them.

  • If no one ever invites you to their house, you're probably a Taurus.

  • No, this is Patrick.

  • From now on, only buy things made out of rubber.

  • My prediction for Taurus in the coming year:

  • you will eat a wide variety of different foods.

  • [burping]

  • I'm Squidward your Nick Tune astrologer,

  • reminding you that no matter what your sign, you owe me five dollars.

  • [playing clarinet]

  • This is Leo, sign of the lion.

  • Hear him roar.

  • [screaming]

  • The typical Leo has a voice as pleasant as a dental drill.

  • [laughing]

  • Why aren't you laughing?

  • If you have a Leo in your family, I suggest you move out or

  • buy earmuffs.

  • Correct!

  • Leos often grow up to be junior high school vice principals.

  • My prediction for Leo in the twelve months ahead:

  • everyone you know will get one year older.

  • I'm Squidward your Nick Tune astrologer,

  • saying my powers are as real as any other psychic's.

  • Say hello to Pisces, sign of the fish.

  • If you're a Pisces, people don't trust you.

  • That's because Pisceans tend to lie all the time.

  • Even when they think they're telling the truth, they're not.

  • What?

  • For the Pisces who wants to stop lying, I have simple advice.

  • Never talk again.

  • I don't like your attitude, bub.

  • My prediction for Pisces in the year ahead:

  • your nose will keep working just fine.

  • I'm your Nick Tune astrologer, Squidward,

  • reminding you that psychics will tell you good things if you tip them well.

  • [playing clarinet]

  • Let's look at Gemini, sign of the twins.

  • If you're a Gemini, you probably experience déjà vu,

  • the feeling that this moment has happened before.

  • And you also experience déjà vu,

  • the feeling that this moment has happened before.

  • [laughing]

  • This month, Gemini's moon is in Uranus.

  • So, you smell funny.

  • My prediction for Gemini, you'll experience déjà vu,

  • the feeling that this moment has happened before.

  • I'm Squidward your Nick Tune astrologer,

  • reminding you not to touch my stuff.

  • Happy birthday to Cancer, sign of the crab.

  • Not all Cancarians are crabby,

  • but they are all good at causing problems and then blaming them on others.

  • Cheer up, Mr. Krabs. Here's that washing machine you wanted.

  • Cheer up?

  • How can I cheer up when you're spending all my hard earned cash?

  • See! You just did it again.

  • Lad, I can't help it if you're loose with other people's money.

  • Many famous fibbers and elected officials are Cancers.

  • My prediction for Cancer:

  • This week, you will fall asleep seven times.

  • Don't worry, you'll wake up.

  • So, you tried to kill me over a little new age management, eh?

  • I'm your Nick Tune astrologer, Squidward,

  • reminding you that it is bad karma to eat animated seafood.

  • Uh, let's just stop here.

  • OK, so these horoscopes were a little too harsh.

  • How are you going to live with yourself?

  • Maybe Squidward should just stick to the clarinet.

  • [playing clarinet]

  • Squidward! We love you!

  • I love you, Squidward!

  • You're my favorite!

  • [ringing]

  • Alright, alright.

  • Time for another hideous day at work.

  • Oh, just hang in there, gorgeous.

  • [playing clarinet]

  • Your star will shine at the clarinet recital tomorrow.

Squidward Tentacles used to host these bizarre,

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Astrology w/ Squidward ♏️ LOST Shorts from the Vault | SpongeBob SquarePants

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    Summer posted on 2020/08/20
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