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Like everybody out here, I'm trying to develop things,
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but whenever there's a conference call, I can't handle it.
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This is not a lie.
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I'm lying in bed, at home, and I put the cell phone on speaker,
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and I throw the phone to the other side of the bed,
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and I just lie there like this...
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And I just wait for people to stop talking.
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And when they stop talking, I just go, like,
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"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds good."
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That's my waterboarding, a 45-minute conference call.
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You know what the worst is?
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Is when the phone call goes to end,
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and then that last person who hasn't talked
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the whole phone call chimes in.
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You know what they're doing.
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They're like, "This phone call's gonna end,
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and I haven't said anything."
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And then you have to sit there and listen to it and then comment on it.
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You die a thousand deaths.
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My other car is a Prius.
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-Wow. -So... I love the Prius.
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Prius is the [bleeps], though.
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It's like that friend that you never have an issue with.
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-It's a Toyota. It always starts. -Well...
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It costs you like 28 bucks to fill the tank.
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-Okay. -Somebody opens their door into it,
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you don't give a [bleeps].
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Have you checked around for your soul lately?
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-Have you noticed your soul is gone? -Because I'm driving a Prius?
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It crushes the human spirit.
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It has no joy of life...
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Oh, [bleeps], I can't argue with that. I can't argue with any of that.
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You've got this ability to make me laugh and to ruin [bleeps],
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all at the same time.
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And people for years have said, "He has an act about nothing."
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It isn't. You're not listening to him.
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You're not seeing the anger underneath these bits.
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This guy has contempt for humanity,
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and for 90% of activities.
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-Oh, my God. -One of my favorite things to see
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is a comic,
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especially someone who works clean,
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to still be able to see that same sort of rage.
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Like Brian Regan. You watch Brian Regan...
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People think it's goofy. It's like, "No. This is an angry dude."
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The way he's telling this story is not the way he reacted
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when the [bleeps] happened. I'm telling you right now.
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Well, I think everybody in that whole northeast area...
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-Yeah. -They're just funny.
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-Philly, New York and Boston. -I just think it's the ball-breaking.
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It's like you grow up getting heckled.
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-It's like you're, sort of, onstage... -Right.
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And you just learn that whole
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"get it off me and get it on to the next person."
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-Know what I mean? -Right.
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Then you learn other techniques, like, "I'll agree with it.
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I'll make fun of myself.
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I can use my hands, I can take it to the ground."
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It's like UFC of, like, getting [bleeps].
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You're not worried that we're becoming this very gentle, respectful culture,
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that the people won't be funny anymore.
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I'm worried that every time I see a comedian
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apologize just to end it...
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Just because you took what I said seriously
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doesn't mean I now meant it.
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Like, you don't get to decide that,
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"What? You're in my head and you know my intent?"
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Like, if I'm saying something and I'm joking, I'm joking.
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This is the deal. Those people who get offended like that,
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if they wanna see stand-up comedy,
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they should hire a comic for a private show,
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and go, "These are topics you can talk about.
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These are topics you don't."
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So, you come in to the hostile environment of a comedy club,
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and we get to say whatever we want.
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The amount of times they've shown clips,
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they'll be like, "Controversy at the Laugh Factory."
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And they show the bit and the crowd laughed.
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There was no controversy.
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One person got pissed, wrote a blog.
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It's a lazy journal story...
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-Right. -And the next thing you know,
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you're on a split screen,
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and you're sitting there talking to a [bleeps] blogger.
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-Is everything tasting okay? Good? -Yeah. It's delicious.
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-I thought you were gonna complain. -This is not over-medium.
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-This is over-easy. -Yeah.
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And this is just right out of the chicken.
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Did you see any of The Expendables movies?
