A2 Basic US 48 Folder Collection
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- Tell him. Tell him. - Oh, just please tell him.
- Tell me what? - Look at you.
- 'You won't even look at him.' - Oh, come on tell me.
I could use another reason why women won't look at me.
'Alright, alright, alright.'
Last night...I had a dream that, um..
...you and I..
...were, uh, doing it on this table.
- Wow! - Excellent dream score.
[chuckling] Why would you dream that?
(Chandler) 'More importantly..'
...was I any good?
Well, you're pretty damn any good.
Interesting, cause in my dreams I'm surprisingly inadequate.
Well, last night you seemed
to know you're way around the table.
I love it when we share.
- You okay there? - I can't believe!
You two had sex in her dream.
I'm-I'm sorry, it was a one time thing.
I was very drunk
and it was someone else's subconscious.
I am telling you years from now
school children will study it
as one of the greatest first dates of all time.
It was unbelievable. We could totally be ourselves.
We didn't have to play any games.
- So have you called her yet? - Let her know I like her?
What are you insane?
Oh, guys.
It's the next day.
How needy do I wanna seem?
I'm right, right?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, let her dangle.
I can't believe my parents are actually pressuring me
to find one of you people.
God, come on, just do it.
Call her. Stop being so testosteroney.
Which, by the way is the real San Francisco treat.
- I got her machine. - Her answering machine?
No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up.
- Boy, do I feel bad. - Oh, yeah.
- Very bad. - Chandler, what are you doing?
Oh, my God!
You're smoking again?
Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again.
Today, I'm, I'm smoking still.
Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum?
Look, I'm telling you, this is just like my parents' divorce
which is when I started smoking in the first place.
Weren't you nine?
I'm telling you something that first smoke after naptime..
[knock on door]
Oh, that's great. With my luck, that's gonna be him.
- Him? Him, Ross? - No. Hymn 253.
"His eyes are on the sparrow."
When my parents got divorced is when I started using
humor as a defense mechanism.
Hey, anybody know a good tailor?
You need some clothes altered?
No, no, I'm just looking for a man
to draw on me with chalk.
Why don't you go see Frankie?
My family's been going to him forever.
He did my first suit when I was 15.
No, wait. 16.
No. Excuse me. 15.
Alright, when was 1990?
Okay, you have to stop the q-tip
when there's resistance.
What are we going to do? What are we going to do?
We'll flip for it, ducks or clowns.
Oh, we're going to flip for the baby?
You got a better idea?
Alright. Call it in the air.
- Heads it is. - Yes!
We have to assign heads to something!
Okay. Okay, uh..
Ducks is heads because ducks have heads.
What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?
'There she is.'
Some girl ate Monica.
Shut up. The camera adds ten pounds.
Uh, so, how many cameras are actually on you?
- Can you hear anything? - Oh, yeah.
Somebody just said, "Can you hear anything?"
Hey, Joey's ass.
What are you doing?
Well, remember when they got in that big fight
and broke up and we were all stuck in here
all night with no food or anything?
Well, when Ross said "Rachel" at the wedding
I figured it was gonna happen again, you know?
So I hid this in here.
Ooh. Candy bars, crossword puzzles.
Ooh, Mad Libs. Mine!
Hey, you don't know how long we're gonna be in here.
We may have to repopulate the Earth.
And condoms are the way to do that?
Come on, Chandler.
I want this part so much.
Just one kiss. I won't tell anyone.
Joey, no means no.
- Hey, hi. - Hey.
I'm sorry. W-we don't have your sheep.
[knock on door]
Hi. Guys, guess what? Guess what? Guess what?
Okay, the fifth dentist caved
and now they're all recommending Trident?
So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?
Well, yes, Ross, pressing my third nipple
opens the delivery entrance
to the magical land of Narnia.
You know, in some cultures having a third nipple
is actually a sign of virility.
You get the best huts
and women dance naked around you.
Ha, are, uh, any of these cultures
perchance in the Tri-state area?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Australopithecus
isn't supposed to be in that display.
No. No.
No. No. Homo habilis was erect.
Australopithecus was never fully erect.
Well, maybe he was nervous.
[instrumental music]
Okay, sorry to break up this party
but, I've got resumes to fax before lunch tomorrow.
Rach, Rach, we gotta settle.
Settle what?
The Jamestown colony of Virginia.
You see King George is giving us the land, so..
The game, Rachel. The game.
You owe us money for the game.
So basically, you get your ya-yas
by taking money from all of your friends.
Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea.
You have to put them together yourself
but they cost a little less.
How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth
and licking you all over?
Because I went to an all-boys high school
and God is making up for it?
- This is my favorite part. - Yeah, me too.
Oh, you know what's sadder than this? "Bambi."
I cried for three days with that movie. No, wait, two.
'Cause on the third day, my mother killed herself
so I was partly crying for that.
Well, see, now, that I can see crying over
but "Bambi" is a cartoon.
You didn't cry when "Bambi's" mother died?
Yes, it was very sad when the guy stopped
drawing the deer.
You know, Chandler, there's nothing wrong with crying.
[instrumental music]
(Chandler) Hold on.
There's something different.
I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.
Was that place, the sun?
Oh. And it gets worse.
Oh, my God, you can do a duet
of "Ebony and Ivory" all by yourself.
Ross didn't get the annulment. We are still married.
- What? - Oh, my God!
Okay, maybe it wasn't my best decision
but I just couldn't face another failed marriage.
Okay, lemme just jump in and ask.
At what point did you think this was a successful marriage?
I'm so gonna get back at Ross.
Oh, yeah, this will show him.
- Here we go. - What are you doing?
Oh, you'll see, my friend!
I'm dead?
And so young.
Posting that I died?
That really isn't funny!
Well, how you died was funny.
Oh, please! Hit by a blimp?
It kills over one Americans
every year!
[instrumental music]
Thank you, guys, for havin' us over.
Oh, yeah, this is fun couples night.
Ye-yeah, I don't know why we don't hang out
with married couples more often.
Well, because every time we do
you make jokes about swinging and scare them away.
You mean that Portuguese couple?
Yeah, like you wouldn't have done it.
Hey, you guys, I've great news.
Ross, we're kinda in the middle of dinner here.
Oh, well, uh, I already ate, but sure.
Guess what happened at work today.
A dinosaur died a million years ago?
Uh, try 65 million years ago
and then try shh!
So I thought Joey and I would be okay once we hung out.
But it's like we don't even know
how to be with each other anymore.
I know it's tough now, but things will get better.
How do you know that?
What if it just gets worse, and worse, and worse
to the point where we can't even be in the same room
with each other?
I'm not great at the advice.
Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Some cheese?
Maybe people give out fake numbers
but they don't give out fake names.
Oh, yeah.
Hi. Ken Adams. Nice to meet ya.
Regina Philange.
I still don't get it. We didn't do anything wrong.
(Monica) I know.
Although, you did tell an awful lot of jokes.
I thought you said those jokes were funny. Joke! Joke! Joke!
Joke. Joke. Blah! Blah!
Well, maybe it was all of your questions.
What about my questions?
The sheer volume. It was like flying with the Riddler!
Oh, I'm sorry. Was that another joke?
Was that another question?
Hey! I got you a present!
Oh, my goodness! Where did you hide it?
I got it for your wedding and I ordered it
weeks ago and it finally got here.
Pheebs, you didn't have to get us anything for our wedding.
- You already did so-- - I love it! It's huge!
Let's open it! Open it!
[paper rustling]
- It's a Ms. Pac-Man machine! - Oh, my God!
I didn't know where to put it so I just left it here for now.
Oh, well, maybe we can put it in the guest bedroom.
Yeah, okay.
I kind of like it here.
- Hey, you look great. - Hey.
I'm so glad we're having this rehearsal dinner, you know.
I so rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them.
Okay, what did we say was your one gift to us?
No stupid jokes, but..
...I thought that was for the actual wedding.
Rehearse it.
What a small world.
And yet I never run into Beyonce.
- Hi. - Hi.
What's wrong, buddy?
Someone at work ate my sandwich.
Well, what did the police say?
My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich.
I can't believe someone just ate it.
Ross, it's just a sandwich.
Just a sandwich?
Look, I am 30 years old, okay?
I'm gonna be divorced twice, and I just got evicted!
That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life.
Someone ate the only good thing going on in my life!
Okay, look, I-I have enough stuff for
for one more sandwich.
I mean, I was gonna eat it myself, but..
Mon, that, that would be incredible.
Thank you so much.
I-I-I still can't believe someone ate it.
I mean, look, I-I-I left a note and everything.
"Knock, knock. Who's there?
"Ross Geller's lunch.
"Ross Geller's lunch, who?
Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me, okay?"
I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch.
Okay, look, you wanna hold on to your food?
You've gotta scare people off.
I learned that living on the street.
Really? So, so, what would you say, Pheebs?
Stuff like, uh, "Keep your mitts off my grub?"
Say, Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street
is she surrounded by the entire cast of "Annie?"
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Friends: Chandler's Most Sarcastic Moments (Mashup) | TBS

48 Folder Collection
Amy.Lin published on July 9, 2020
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