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-I want to wish everyone a happy new year.
I saw that, for 2020, a lot of people
are making the resolution to drink more water.
That's why for the last six days, college kids have woken up
next to a pile of empty Coors Lights.
-Oh. -This is fun.
I saw that people are participating
in the 2020 tipping challenge.
Have you heard about this? It's where you tip waiters
$20.20 in honor of the new year.
Waiters heard that, and they're like,
"That's great, except your bill was $500, so..."
Let's get to some news.
The big stories. Everything going on with Iran.
A little scary.
But on the bright side, it's the first time Trump's
ever said "I" and "ran" in the same sentence.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. There's so much going on right now.
Tensions with Iran are high.
People are worried about World War III.
Tom Brady and the New England Patriots
got knocked out of the NFL playoffs in the first round.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Steve laughs ]
Justin Bieber just released a new song.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Called "Yummy."
-And Papa John's founder John Schnatter says
his New Year's resolution is to eat 50 pizzas in 30 days.
These are all big stories. A lot to go over.
Let's just jump in and cover it all at once.
It's time for a "News Smash."
[ Cheers and applause ]
First up, since President Trump ordered a strike
on Iran's top general, people have been warning
that World War III could break out.
A lot of experts say the strike was a bad idea.
Almost as bad as...
eating 50 pizzas in 30 days.
Papa John says he's doing it to test the quality of the pizza.
But that's a pretty unhealthy diet.
You know who definitely doesn't eat like that?
Tom Brady.
Saturday, his Patriots got knocked out of the playoffs.
Football fans still call him the greatest of all time,
while every woman in Boston still calls him...
Justin Bieber's new song just dropped, and in the music video,
he eats cake, Jell-o, and lobster.
Which is still better for you than eating...
50 pizzas in 30 days.
Seriously, eating like that
is like looking at your stomach and...
declaring war.
If he wants to avoid a bigger conflict,
Trump needs to talk things out with Iran.
Earlier today, he was like...
"Is it too late now to say sorry?"
Justin Bieber's back with another single.
He's young. He's on top of his game.
He's pretty much the opposite of...Tom Brady.
He had a solid year, but just like that, it's over.
You could tell Brady's depressed because ever since he lost,
all he's been eating is... Papa John's.
Listen. 50 pizzas in 30 days isn't a New Year's resolution.
It's a death wish. It's all over.
Kind of like.... the Patriots season.
Still, Brady says he'll play until he's 45.
Either he's serious or he's totally full of...
Papa John's.
So, in conclusion, have a safe new year.
Have a Yummy new year.
Have an intervention this year.
Maybe next year.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Listen to this. Before the Iran strike,
Trump told some guests at Mar-a-Lago that something huge
was coming, but he never told Congress.
Which means there's a really good chance
that Sugar Ray's Mark McGrath heard about the strike
before Nancy Pelosi.
Past presidents including George W. Bush
declined taking out Iran's top commander
because it could lead to war.
You know things are bad when even George W. Bush was like,
"This could really mess things up in the Middle East."
After the attack, Iran said
it was pulling out of the 2015 nuclear deal.
So this morning, Trump tweeted,
"Iran will never have a nuclear weapon."
Because nothing calms tensions
quite like an all-caps threat on social media.
According to a new poll, Republicans' top choices
for president in 2024 include Ivanka and Donald Trump Jr.
Meanwhile, Eric just got his tongue unstuck
from a pole he licked on Christmas.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's good. That's good. -Maybe Senate.
-Some 2020 news -- I saw that Bernie Sanders is now
in a three-way tie for first place in New Hampshire.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And if one of your New Year's resolutions was to "eat less,"
just remember the phrase
"Bernie Sanders is now in a three-way."
[ Laughter ]
Well, last night was the Golden Globe Awards,
and Russell Crowe won for his role
in the mini series "The Loudest Voice."
When he heard that, Bernie Sanders was like,
"How the hell did I not win that?!"
Tonight was the season premiere of "The Bachelor."
We love that show.
I love "The Bachelor."
I'm excited. The new bachelor is Peter.
He's actually a pilot for Delta.
When he's sitting by the fire on the date
and the girl asks for a blanket, he'll be like,
"That'll be nine dollars."
[ Laughter ]
Police in Pennsylvania are investigating after someone
intentionally released bedbugs in a Walmart changing room.
-What? -Luckily, no one was affected
mostly because everyone at Walmart just tries on pants
right in the aisles.
No rules there. -"Fit!"
-And, finally, listen to this. I read about some
high-school students in Michigan
who built the world's tallest toilet-paper pyramid.
Take a look at this. Yeah.
If you want to see that toilet-paper pyramid in person,
it's currently right outside Papa John's bathroom.
We have a great show.
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News Smash: Iran Strike, Tom Brady, Justin Bieber's "Yummy," Papa John's Pizza Challenge

2 Folder Collection
林宜悉 published on July 3, 2020
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