Name: Mark Normand Stand-Up
Uploaded: 2020-07-03T09:35:36.000Z
Duration: 5 min 37 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

-Hey, hey. All right. Thanks. Sorry. A little sluggish.

Adverbs of degree

I got to take it easy on the booze, you know.

Said it kills 2 1/2 million people every year, which is sad,

but, I mean, think of how many people it produces.

Yeah. It's got to be like 3-to-1, you know?

If my parents didn't drink, I might not be here.

after the substance that got them conceived.

"This is my daughter Tequila. This is my son Jager."

We get along really well. He's gay, I'm broke.

And when you finally tell your parents they're like,

You guys ever touched -- Yeah, that stuff's --

Sounds like Wolverine's overprivileged nephew, you know?

White Claw's superpower would be showing up

to a wedding in flip-flops and driving his dad's boat

I used to black out four or five nights a week.

Both dangerous while driving, both what I go to

when I'm nervous at a party, and both have helped us

You know, you drink too much, you're like, "I hate myself."

You look at your phone too long you're like,

My biggest fear used to be the bar closing.

Now my biggest fear is my phone dying, you know?

She might not make it through the night."

I might actually have to feel something."

Yeah, I actually carry a battery pack on me

That's like carrying a flask to fill up your empty flask.

And I don't even know -- can you quit a phone?

You know, like, If somebody goes, "Hey, I gave up drinking,"

If somebody goes, "Hey, I gave up my phone,"

You know, I was walking down Third Avenue.

I was next to a homeless guy. He was drunk. I was on my phone.

He's creepily staring at beautiful women.

I'm scrolling through Instagram, you know?

He's flashing everybody. I'm sending a photo of mine.

Yeah. I don't know. [ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah, we don't know how to connect anymore.

You know, my friend just got dumped, so I took him out,

tried to wing-man him, meet some ladies for him.

Didn't go too well. You know, he got upset.

He's like, "Screw this. Let's go to a strip club."

You know, to me, that's like going fishing,

not catching anything, and being like, "Screw this.

The only difference is -- no one leaves an aquarium going,

"I tell you -- I think that flounder was into me.

That's one hot piece of bass." Yeah. Yeah.

You know, I'm at the age where all my friends

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