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  • -Welcome back. Haven't seen you in a while.

  • I'm glad you're here.

  • -I'm very happy to be here, Jimmy. I love you.

  • -It's been awhile since I last saw you. How's everything going?

  • -Things are good.

  • I mean, I actually just had spinal fusion.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Wow.

  • You're going to love this. There were a lot of complications.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Tig, they're not laughing at you.

  • They're laugh-- [ Laughing ]

  • Tig, I'm sorry about that.

  • -My intestines shut down.

  • -Okay. Ow. -Yeah.

  • -I'm sorry about that.

  • -That's okay.

  • -That's terrible. -As long as I get a laugh.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -No, that's awful. That's awful news.

  • -I'm doing better. -Good.

  • -But I was hospitalized for a while with these complications,

  • and every day that they were adding more time to my stay,

  • I started to kind of have anxiety and panic attacks,

  • which I don't normally have in my life.

  • But I was in so much pain, and it was just being extended.

  • And they put me on Ativan,

  • which people take for those kind of attacks.

  • And of course I was allergic to it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I started -- Guys.

  • -I know.

  • -I started hallucinating,

  • but I wasn't on my phone much, to say the least.

  • And then my wife saw me reach for my phone.

  • And she was like, "Oh, wait. Wait, what are you doing?"

  • And I said, "Patrick is checking to see how I'm doing."

  • And she said, "Let me see what you wrote."

  • And I was like, "Pfft, fine."

  • I hand her the phone, and she said,

  • "Yeah, you can't send that."

  • And what the text said was --

  • and again, I wasn't trying to be funny.

  • I was just really responding to him.

  • I said, "Yeah, Patrick,

  • things have been getting worse to a towel."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And then in parentheses it said, "I see tractor!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Exclamation point. And then also, CHB.

  • And everybody, when I tell them this story, always ask,

  • "What's CHB?"

  • -Yeah, what's CHB? -Yeah.

  • My question is, what is "getting worse to a towel?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I mean, how does nobody ask that question?

  • Everyone's like, "Well, yeah,

  • of course it was getting worse to a towel.

  • You had spinal fusion."

  • -What's worse to a towel.

  • -Yeah, that's when it's bad. -Yeah, I see tractor.

  • -Yeah, not "a" tractor, 'cause clearly I was in a panic.

  • It was coming towards me. [ Laughter ]

  • I didn't have time to write the whole sentence.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Yeah, you're just reacting -- I see tractor!

  • -I see tractor. -Tractor, in parentheses.

  • -I had the wherewithal to put it in parentheses.

  • And then of course, you know, CHB.

  • -CHB, what could that be? I have no idea.

  • -It was nothing, Jimmy. -No.

  • -I was hallucinating. [ Laughter ]

  • -Yeah, I got to be honest.

  • I went up to give you a little high-five earlier

  • and you didn't -- -I don't give high-fives.

  • -I didn't -- Did I know that about you?

  • -Well, it's on national television now.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Wow, I didn't know.

  • I thought we've high-five'd before.

  • -Absolutely not.

  • -I got excited. I haven't seen you in a while.

  • We've never high five'd?

  • -I never experience an emotion that calls for a high-five.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -See, I live constantly in that emotion.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm always about that.

  • -When people go to high-five me, here's what I do.

  • Go to high-five me.

  • Question?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And then you say, "Can I high-five you?"

  • Let's start over. -Alright.

  • Can I high-five you?

  • -No, no, no. No.

  • No, you have to go to -- I said let's start over.

  • -Okay. -So, go to high-five me.

  • -Oh.

  • -Question?

  • -Can I high-five you?

  • -No. [ Laughter ]

  • -You make me do the whole thing?

  • Why would you be so cruel?

  • How about a fist bump? Are you a fist bumper?

  • Ew. [ Laughter ]

  • What'd you do that for? That was weird.

  • What would you do that to me for?

  • What's wrong with you?

  • -I think all the hand jive stuff is weird.

  • -Really, you kind of bummed me out a little bit.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Is this on? -Yeah.

  • -Yeah, this is on, yeah. Of course.

  • -Is it really? -Yeah, sure.

  • -If it was turned off, would this show shut down?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -It's kind of a little bit for show business stuff like that.

  • Old-timey microphone. -Yeah.

  • -I have used it before.

  • -I've done other talk shows, and nobody needs one of these.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That's not true. I mean -- -No, it is true.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -No, it's not. -It is.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Yeah. -Yeah.

  • -Because if you want to do -- -Hello.

  • -It's not working. It's not on. It's not on right now.

  • But they can turn it on.

  • It's usually good for if you do a wrestling intro or something.

  • -Are we about to wrestle? [ Laughter ]

  • -No, but I can give you an intro like --

  • -I thought you were setting me up to wrestle.

  • And I don't know if you remember,

  • but I just had back fusion.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • I see tractor!

  • -No. Do you -- [ Laughter ]

  • -I see tractor! [ Laughter ]

  • -No, do you know what my secret move is?

  • -Finger in the hand hole?

  • -No. [ Laughter ]

  • No, it's the crazy head butt.

  • Also known as the CHB!

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Can you hear this microphone?

  • -CHB! [ Laughter ]

-Welcome back. Haven't seen you in a while.

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B1 TheTonightShow laughter tractor fusion towel tig

Tig Notaro's Spinal Fusion Complications Led to Some Crazy Text Messages

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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