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-You guys, we've got a great show.
Jennifer Garner is here tonight! [ Cheers and applause ]
-Jim Jefferies is here! [ Cheers and applause ]
And we've got music from Megan Thee Stallion.
Oh, my goodness. [ Cheers and applause ]
She is huge right now with her hit "Hot Girl Summer."
Although, after seeing Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders at
tonight's debate, it feels more like "Old Man Fall."
Tonight was the third Democratic debate,
and I read that the candidates were all warned
not to swear during the debate.
Then it got weird when Bernie was like,
"And what about nudity?"
Yeah, tonight was the third Democratic debate,
and I heard that the candidates were warned not to swear.
The moderator said that any dirty language
would make them appear too presidential.
That's right -- tonight was the third Democratic debate,
and there was a lot of pressure on the candidates.
Check out how Beto O'Rourke tried to relax.
Yeah.
And someone asked Beto what his poll numbers were,
and he's like, "One, two, three.
Three."
He's actually not that bad on the drums.
I mean, he's definitely better than Pete Buttigieg on guitar.
We saw this.
-You see -- They're like, "Oh, wow."
Get this.
Trump's campaign hired a plane to fly over the debate
that said, "Socialism will kill Houston's economy."
It was a great plan until they realized
the debate was happening at nighttime.
They're like, "Just yell. "Social-- Oh, forget it.
They can't hear us." Here's a pretty crazy story.
It just came out that the racehorse Justify,
who won last year's Triple Crown,
failed a drug test before the Kentucky Derby.
Officials knew something was up before the race
when Justify told his jockey, "Pee in this cup for me."
Yeah, you could tell he was on something
when his trainer needed a giant saddle
to cover up the horse's bacne.
I mean, did people really not know this horse
was on something?
Look at the horse. I mean, something...
-Come on. Come on. -Come on. You don't notice?
-Come on, man. -Come on.
-Some more sports news.
There are rumors that Jennifer Lopez -- [ Laughs ]
I'm sorry. Can we go back? I just want to see that horse.
Can I see that horse thing? [ Laughter ]
That's pretty funny.
Some more sports news.
There are rumors that Jennifer Lopez might perform
at this year's Super Bowl halftime show.
The NFL is really hoping she says yes,
'cause their next option is
Pete Buttigieg and Beto O'Rourke.
-Well, speaking of J. Lo, her new movie, "Hustlers,"
opens this weekend, and it is about
a group of strippers who start embezzling money
from the guys who visit their strip club.
-Wow. That's a pretty creative idea for a movie.
-Actually, it was based on a true story.
-What? -You okay, man?
-Yeah, fine.
Water just went down the wrong pipe.
[ Coughs ] -Gotcha.
-Say, you wouldn't happen to
know what specific strip club
this true story happened at, do you?
-I think it's called Scores.
Do you need to take a break? -No, I'm fine, really.
But tell me --
how did these so-called hustlers hustle people, exactly?
-Well, guys would go to the club.
-Mm-hmm.
-And then the women would wine them.
-Mm-hmm.
-They'd dine them.
Then they'd rack up a bunch of charges on their credit card.
Higgins, Higgins, are you okay? -Yes!
Well, tell me this -- what happened to the guys?
-I don't know. They go to jail or something.
-Prison.
Wow.
So he wouldn't be able to do, like, household chores --
mow the lawn, stuff like that?
-I guess not. -Hmm.
And they wouldn't have to pay for their kid's college?
-There's probably a government program for that.
They use taxpayer money. -Hmm.
Three squares a day?
-Three squares.
-Nice.
-Basically, all you do all day is read and exercise.
-Exercise?! That's awful!
I'm not going to prison, old man!
You hear me? I'm not going to prison!
You can't get me there! -Get him out of here!
Get that knife out of his ha-- No, be careful.
Get out of here! Be careful!
Be careful, man. Be careful, man.
No jiu-jitsu, man! -Alright.
I got my eye on you, old man!
-Emmy Award winner Steve Higgins, everybody.
♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]
Golden Globe nominee Steve Higgins
right there, everybody.
Hey, I want to say congratulations to
DJ Khaled, who's having a baby.
[ Cheers and applause ]
When the baby was born, DJ Khaled was like,
"Another one."
Hey, some TV news.
There's gonna be a new show called "Murder House Flip,"
where they flip a house that's been involved
in a real-life crime.
-Ooh!
-Yeah, this house show is a little different.
Instead of seeing these twins, you see these.
"Flip with us."
Hey, I know you guys know about this.
A company has started making a new blue rosé.
Check this thing out. Yeah, it's pretty cool.
They only used the finest grapes
from France's Listerine region.
-Oh.
-And, finally, Neiman Marcus is selling a couch
that looks like a hot dog for $7,000.
That's crazy.
I mean, who would spend that kind of money on that?
Oh, that makes a sense. We have a great show.
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Democratic Candidates Try Not to Swear During Third Primary Debate

4 Folder Collection
林宜悉 published on July 3, 2020
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