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  • ♪♪

  • -Live from the Haywood Theater, it's Tim Williamson.

  • -It's only February.

  • And it's so cold.

  • February 2020 might be the longest month ever!

  • Am I right?

  • I don't do cold.

  • I'm like -- Right now, I want to hug as many people

  • as I possibly can to keep the body warm.

  • -This special was filmed in February.

  • We cannot stress enough, this was before the quarantine.

  • -Don't we love going to grocery stores?

  • [ Crowd cheering ] I love going to grocery stores.

  • I go for the free samples.

  • I don't care -- people putting their hands in there,

  • different people touching.

  • More flavor! Hey, free samples.

  • Why don't we cut out the middleman.

  • Just put the food directly into my mouth.

  • -We swear, this special was hilarious

  • before all the stuff went down.

  • -Going to the movies is a trip, man.

  • So much work on the movies.

  • Oy, you got to get dressed. You leave the house.

  • You've got to get the popcorn with the --

  • The prices of the popcorn with the up, up, up, up, up.

  • No, no, no.

  • Hey, look, we have infinite movies at home.

  • Our homes are movie theaters.

  • Except this theater has a fridge full of leftovers,

  • and I don't have to wear pants.

  • -Please, just try to put your head

  • where it was at three months ago.

  • -I will get on the elevator

  • no matter how many people are on it.

  • I'm not waiting.

  • I got places to go, people, okay?

  • So if that means my nose is in your mouth,

  • that's what needs to happen.

  • I'm so glad that there's not a mandated amount of space

  • that we need to give each other.

  • Like, I don't know. I'm just gonna spitball.

  • 6 feet away from each other.

  • I'm just spitballing.

  • -Stop tweeting at us. We know.

  • -Speaking of spitballing,

  • why don't adults shoot spitballs at each other?

  • Spitball.

  • Why did that stop when we were kids?

  • And why do you have the ball at all?

  • Let's just cut out the middleman and spit on each other.

  • -Did he cause this?

  • -Anyone else looking forward to summer?

  • You've got Coachella. You've got water parks.

  • You got sporting events.

  • I'm at my happiest when I'm making my way

  • through a dense crowd full of strangers

  • just to get to a public bathroom

  • that we've all been using together.

  • Who's with me?

  • -Oh, come on. We forgot about that part.

  • -Why does Halloween come only once a year?

  • I want to wear a mask every day.

  • -Tim Williamson, "Right Next to You."

  • -When I'm in a Mexican restaurant,

  • I don't want Modelo. I don't want Tecate.

  • I don't want -- I don't know this language.

  • What do I need? Duolingo?

  • I want a [bleep]

  • And it doesn't even have to be cold.

  • Hot, hot [bleep]

  • ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

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