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-You guys, Thanksgiving is just a few days away.
And I saw that about 50 million people
will be traveling for the holiday.
Yeah, here's how that breaks down.
10 million are visiting family,
while 40 million are delivering weed to those 10 million.
-Wow. [ Laughter ]
-Listen to this. According to a study
conducted by Motel 6... [ Laughter ]
...people get sick of family during the holidays
after about four hours. [ Laughter ]
That's interesting. But I prefer to get all my data
from the scientists at La Quinta.
[ Laughter ]
La Quinta.
The weather this week is supposed to be so bad
that it could mean no balloons at this year's Macy's...
[ Audience groans ] ...Thanksgiving Day parade.
-Come on! -If you're bummed,
think about the guy who spent the last 11 months
blowing them up. [ Laughter ]
[ Blowing ]
-"Oh, come on! You got to be --"
[ Imitating balloon deflating ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Imitating balloon squeaking ]
[ Squeaking continues ]
[ Light laughter ]
[ Squeaking continues ]
[ Rhythmic squeaking ]
♪♪
[ Raspberry ]
[ Laughter ]
I, uh -- -Pbht!
-Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Steve Higgins, everybody.
Steve Higgins.
Guys, I heard about a new Thanksgiving recipe
where you can cover your Turkey in cheese powder.
[ Laughter ] Take a look at this.
-Oh. -Yeah.
[ Audience groans ]
President Trump saw that turkey and was like, "Oh, my God.
Who does your makeup?" [ Laughter ]
"I love it. You look so healthy.
You look so healthy." [ Cheers and applause ]
-"So lifelike." -"Wow."
But this is fun. Tomorrow, Trump is pardoning
a turkey in the White House Rose Garden.
Yep, a Turkey is getting a pardon,
which is why Rudy Giuliani was just spotted dressed like this.
[ Laughter ]
"Just pardon me, please. Just do it.
Put me out of my misery, please."
But this is true. This year's national
Thanksgiving turkeys are staying at a hotel in D.C.
Check it out. It's for real.
[ Laughter ]
Even crazier, Eric and Don Jr.
are spending a week in a turkey coop.
-Wow. -It's unbelievable.
[ Laughter ]
It's a trade.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, the big news from this weekend
is that former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg
has officially launched his presidential campaign.
His new slogan is -- [ Scattered applause ]
His new slogan is "Rebuild America,"
which is better than his first slogan --
"More popular than De Blasio, less crazy than Giuliani."
[ Laughter ]
I read that Bloomberg is worth around $54 billion.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
And he will be financing his own campaign.
$54 billion. That is crazy.
To put that in perspective, that's like adding up
all the money Trump is worth then adding $54 billion.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. $55 billion.
Yeah, that's right. [ Laughter ]
I think Bloomberg versus Trump would be great.
One guy was knighted by Queen Elizabeth in 2014.
The other guy had this.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, my goodness. -Come on.
[ Laughter ]
-Where'd she go? -"Where'd she go?
She went down a wall." [ Laughter ]
-Meanwhile, today at the White House,
Trump hosted the hero dog
that was wounded during the Al-Baghdadi raid.
His name is Conan. Check it out.
Yeah. [ Audience "Awws" ]
It was interesting. When Trump said sit, stay,
and roll over, every Republican in Congress started doing it.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Of course, the big -- the other big news
from the weekend was Trump's 53-minute phone call
to "Fox and Friends." Did you hear about this?
That doesn't include the first 20 minutes of the call,
where Trump kept yelling "Representative."
[ Laughter ]
"Representative." [ Laughter ]
It was so nuts, Fox News actually ended the call.
Fox News ended the call, which means the hosts
of "Fox and Friends" were busier
than the president of the United States.
[ Laughter ] What's going on?
During Trump's call into "Fox and Friends,"
the hosts had trouble getting a word in.
Check this out. -But, Mr. President,
can I ask you -- -It's like a massive wall.
Yes. -Who -- who --
-Why aren't they putting up money?
Don't forget, don't forget --
-President Obama released every--
-Brian, it's a scam. -Okay, gotcha.
So Mister -- -And now on top of it --
-On the economy -- -I got that.
President Xi -- -But listen.
Rebuilding the military.
And he wants to make a trade -- -If I could just --
-Look, Brian, one thing -- -Okay.
-Before I get off -- [ Laughter ]
-That went on -- That went on forever.
Take a look.
-More people working today than ever before.
[ Laughter ] In fact, listen to this.
We have now the greatest economy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Unbelievable.
Well, this is interesting. A new poll came out that said
most Americans are still undecided --
-Yeah. You know who's dope?
-What's that? -You know who's dope?
-I'm sorry, uh, no. Who?
-Former mayor of New York and current lawyer
for the Trump crime family, Rudy Giuliani.
-That's right. -I don't know about that, guys.
-Hear us out. Yes, Giuliani's at the center
of the Trump bribery scheme. -Mm-hmm.
Apparently, he tried to pressure Ukraine
into investigating Joe Biden, a potential political opponent
of Trump in 2020.
Is the evidence overwhelming? Absolutely.
-But we say, "So what?" -Mm-hmm.
-You see, we got to -- We got a chance to meet
Rudy Giuliani while we were en route to make a movie
in a third-world country. -Mm-hmm.
-Cleveland. -Mm-hmm.
[ Laughter ]
-And guess what. He took a selfie with us.
-Oh, my God. [ Laughter ]
-Is taking a selfie enough for us to look past
his potentially criminal wrongdoing?
-Yes. Yes, it is. [ Laughter ]
-In fact, he said if we help him set up his podcast,
he'd pay us $10,000 a week.
That's $10,000 more than you pay us, Jimmy.
-Yep. [ Laughter ]
-And not only that, Giuliani even asked us
for some advice on his pending criminal investigation.
-You see, we studied the law. We learned about the intricacies
of the law from institutions like NYU, Duke, and the streets.
-Mm-hmm. [ Laughter ]
-And given our legal expertise,
we guaranteed Rudy he wouldn't see any jail time.
-Just prison time. -Mm-hmm.
[ Laughter ]
-Definitely prison time.
-So to our best friend Rudy, we say thanks for the selfie.
And while you're in prison, you probably should be as nice
to the brothers you locked up. -Mm-hmm.
-They will kill you. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -Thanks, Rudy.
-Thank you, Rudy. -All right, give it up
for Giuliani's best friends, the Lucas brothers.
Thank you, guys. [ Cheers and applause ]
One selfie.
Some entertainment news.
This weekend, "Frozen 2" made over $130 million.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Which is why Elsa just announced she's running for President
and financing her own campaign. [ Laughter ]
Some more movie news -- I saw that Daniel Craig
said that he's done playing James Bond.
And the news has left fans shaken.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Both laugh ]
The American Music Awards --
[ Laughter ]
The American Music Awards were last night,
and everybody's talking about Lizzo's tiny purse.
Did you see -- Check this out.
Look at that. Oh, my.
-Come on. [ Cheers and applause ]
-It looks small to us,
but Kevin Hart calls that a backpack.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, Spirit Airlines would still charge you 25 bucks
to bring that on board. [ Laughter ]
And this is fun -- when she opened it up,
Michael Bloomberg popped out. -Wow.
-Yeah, that's right. [ Laughter ]
-This made me laugh.
Elon Musk just introduced the new Tesla truck.
[ Laughter ]
Unfortunately, things didn't go so well showing off
the shatter-proof glass windows.
Take a look at this.
-Sure? -Yeah.
-Oh, my [bleep] God.
Well...
maybe that was a little too hard.
[ Laughter ]
-Everyone who signed up for Elon's rocket to Mars
was like, "Eh, never mind. You know what?
I'm just gonna..." [ Laughter ]
Oh, this is fun. Over the weekend,
there was a "Sopranos" convention in New Jersey.
It was a lot of fun. There were people in track suits
smoking cigars, eating gabagool.
Then, next door to that was the "Sopranos" convention.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-"What's going on? What are they doin' over there?
What are they doin'?"
Finally, this isn't good.
It just came out that Romaine lettuce
has been linked to an E. coli outbreak.
On the bright side, it looks like I'm just
one salad away from losing all that Thanksgiving weight.
[ Cheers and applause ] We have a great show!
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The Lucas Brothers Interrupt Jimmy's Monologue to Defend Rudy Giuliani

6 Folder Collection
林宜悉 published on July 3, 2020
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