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  • -Oh, it's so good to be here. I'm very anxious.

  • And I was walking down the street the other day,

  • and this girl was walking in front of me.

  • And she was on the phone, and I listened to her conversation.

  • And it was literally like, "Oh, my God.

  • I was on Instagram and I posted this post.

  • And I look so good.

  • Like, I look so good, I look so pretty,

  • and, like, nobody commented.

  • Nobody. Nobody commented, like, Julie, Amy, Melissa.

  • Nobody commented. I was, like, freaking out.

  • [ Speaks indistinctly ] ...Instagram."

  • So I tapped her on the shoulder and I said,

  • "I've been following you!"

  • And she ran away. She ran away.

  • 'Cause I get depressed, too.

  • You know, I'm normally in dark colors.

  • My friend said to me the other day,

  • "Why do you always wear black?"

  • And I'm like, "Oh, 'cause I feel great about my body

  • and I'm filled with hope."

  • I mean, I have a master's in social work,

  • and now I'm a traveling clown.

  • I literally travel around and tell jokes.

  • It's crazy.

  • I'm trying to take care of myself,

  • so I downloaded this app where you count your calories.

  • The problem is -- I lie on it. How sick is that?

  • I lie on my own app. That is sick.

  • Like, the other day, I had three bagels, a roast, and a pie,

  • and I wrote down one baby carrot.

  • Like, "It's okay, Jessica. You really are talented.

  • You are, and you need to top putting yourself down.

  • You deserve success. It's all going to be okay.

  • You need to stop eating salads in public.

  • You're not fooling anyone.

  • You know, oatmeal is healthy, unless you add

  • 6 cups of brown sugar.

  • Then it becomes pie.

  • You had a miniature pie for breakfast

  • and told three people you had oatmeal.

  • You're a liar."

  • Okay, so, my mother's a therapist.

  • My mother is a therapist and she saw clients

  • in the basement my whole life.

  • This is totally true. So I had to be quiet every day.

  • She'd say things like, "Susan's coming,

  • and she's having a really hard time,

  • so I'm gonna need you to be quiet.

  • Take off your shoes. No running around.

  • No flushing the toilet. No opening chips.

  • Susan's in turmoil."

  • I'm like, "Well, I just ate six pizzas

  • and beheaded my Barbies, but good luck to Susan."

  • The Roots are laughing.

  • So, I -- That's all I care about

  • is that The Roots are laughing.

  • So, I do a lot of shows in Florida for very old people.

  • Most of them are 80, 90. Some have passed.

  • And I have to make them laugh, and they have all the same face,

  • even when they're saying something positive.

  • "It's gorgeous outside. Look at this weather.

  • The sun is out. The test came back negative.

  • I'm gonna live."

  • They talk during the whole show, because they can't stop --

  • And they talk loud 'cause they're deaf.

  • This is totally true.

  • So I'll be in the middle of my act

  • and I'll hear them having a whole conversation like,

  • "Did she just say she's from New Jersey?"

  • "I think she did say she's from New Jersey."

  • "What part of New Jersey?

  • Do you think she knows the Eisensteins?"

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Thank you.

  • They sound like cats being assaulted.

  • Just "Aaaaah!

  • Aaaah! Bingo!"

  • "You knew that tag line wasn't gonna work,

  • and you did it anyway.

  • Don't sabotage yourself. You deserve success.

  • It's all gonna be okay.

  • You just ate a bag of chips

  • and told yourself it was a serving of corn."

  • You know, I went to visit my grandmother,

  • and all these old women sit around and play cards,

  • and they all sound like little bees when they talk.

  • They hunch over. [ Speaks indistinctly ]

  • "Salmon."

  • So I go to find her, and she's not there.

  • And I go up to her friend Rona and I said,

  • "Rona, do you know where my grandmother is?"

  • And she goes, "I don't know, darling,

  • but I'll let her know you were looking for her.

  • [ Speaks indistinctly ] ...trust fund."

  • So, I walk away and I hear her yell out -- unbelievable --

  • "That's Bea Farbman's granddaughter.

  • She's a lesbian magician."

  • You guys are great. Thank you so much.

  • ♪♪ Thank you.

  • -"Jessica Kirson: Talking to Myself"

  • premieres December 6th on Comedy Central.

-Oh, it's so good to be here. I'm very anxious.

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