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  • Hi, Matt.

  • Hi.

  • How's it going?

  • All right.

  • Good.

  • Hello.

  • Last time--

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • Last time we talked about pap--

  • The segment nobody asked to come back.

  • But here we are.

  • I asked to come back.

  • It's entertaining, cause you have strong opinions.

  • Yeah.

  • We talked about paper towels last time.

  • You have strong opinions.

  • Yeah.

  • Bounty sent me paper towels.

  • Thank you, Bounty.

  • Yeah.

  • Yeah.

  • We need to start talking about Rolexes.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • All right.

  • Today we're going to cover a number of topics.

  • One, I understand you have strong opinions

  • about ringtones on phones.

  • [SIGHS]

  • OK.

  • Tell me what's--

  • I hate any kind of phone noise, any kind of ringtone.

  • I don't like a regular ringtone.

  • I don't want to hear you typing.

  • I don't live in your house.

  • I don't want to hear your phone ring.

  • And inevitably, what happens, someone's phone rings,

  • and everybody's like, was that my phone?

  • Is that my phone?

  • Everybody's checking their phones.

  • People try to get cute.

  • They try to make it like, oh, the little closet door, ree,

  • ree, ree.

  • Or the foghorn.

  • Rah, rah.

  • No.

  • I don't want to hear any of it.

  • My mother has a different ringtone

  • for everything, her phone, her texts, her calendar alerts.

  • It's like a circus is going off in her pants.

  • No.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • I hate it.

  • I don't want to hear it.

  • Actually, that sounds fun to have a circus in your pants.

  • Just put it on vibrate.

  • Vibrate.

  • Or silent.

  • Do I miss calls?

  • Sure.

  • But I don't want to hear it.

  • That's what you do?

  • You keep it on vibrate?

  • Yes.

  • Vibrate.

  • Always.

  • Is it because you just like the way it feels in your pants?

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • It doesn't hurt.

  • It doesn't hurt.

  • All right.

  • All right.

  • [APPLAUSE]

  • Next subject.

  • Yes.

  • Pillows.

  • OK.

  • Like throw pillows or pillows on your bed?

  • No.

  • No.

  • There are some decorative ones.

  • But no, to sleep with every night I need at least five.

  • Six would be preferable.

  • I'll take five.

  • Wait.

  • How do you have room for your husband?

  • Well, so this is what happens.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • I get one pillow that I sleep on.

  • Right.

  • I like two that I can lay on my side and hold.

  • One between my knees.

  • Uh-huh.

  • And I don't want to feel his bony elbows on my back.

  • So I put one right between us.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • It's a very romantic situation.

  • Wow.

  • I like to sleep with--

  • I understand-- three.

  • If I'm sleeping by myself, I have one behind my head

  • and one on each side so I don't have to take one

  • with me onto the other side.

  • So three is ideal.

  • Now, what happens if you're at a hotel and you don't have--

  • Ugh.

  • Oh.

  • First of all, at the hotel, they have two pillows.

  • That's not going to work.

  • And then those thin pillows I hate.

  • So I'll call up, can I have some more pillows?

  • Well, how many?

  • I don't know.

  • Six.

  • I need more pillows.

  • OK.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • This is a big one for you.

  • I know that.

  • Salad bars.

  • OK.

  • I love a salad bar.

  • I have been making beautiful salads for a very long time.

  • My salads are a work of art.

  • People inevitably say, that is a beautiful salad.

  • I know.

  • But it used to be a salad, you go.

  • And there's like a small container, a large container.

  • You put whatever you want in there.

  • And it was a price.

  • And now they're weighing your salad.

  • Don't weigh my salad.

  • How much my salad weighs is none of your business.

  • Because I like the heavy things.

  • I like big cherry tomatoes.

  • When they weigh it it's always the bigger things.

  • Bigger tomatoes, carrots, cucumbers, all these big things

  • I want on my salad.

  • By the time you get around to approaching the dressing,

  • that's a heavy salad.

  • So then you're walking up to the scale at the dresser

  • like you're at the doctor's office.

  • And I'm like, oh, God.

  • What if I take the lid off, or take my belt off?

  • I just don't want it to weigh so much.

  • And it's annoying.

  • They're like, $20.

  • I'm like, I could have bought a cheeseburger for that.

  • And what is jicama?

  • It's good for you.

  • It's stupid.

  • Tastes like nothing.

  • I know.

  • But it's got to be good for you.

  • What does it look like?

  • What does a jicama look like?

  • I don't know the outside.

  • No one's ever seen it.

  • Cause we've never seen the outside of a jicama.

  • We've only seen the cut inside.

  • I didn't grow up with jicama.

  • I never heard of jicama.

  • All of a sudden, jicama at salad bars.

  • I like hearing you say jicama, though.

  • Jicama.

  • Salad Bar is a good name for a club in West Hollywood,

  • isn't it?

  • Yeah.

  • Add a couple words, but yeah.

  • I'm not going to say that.

  • All right.

  • OK.

  • All right.

  • I love learning new things about you.

  • Do you have a strong opinion whether we

  • should move on from this?

  • Oh, yes.

  • We should definitely move on.

  • We should end this?

  • For everyone's sake.

  • All right.

  • Let's watch this dancer of the day then.