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  • We are three weeks into 2020.

  • Can you believe it?

  • I personally can't.

  • We finally made it to a new decade.

  • And so much has changed.

  • We have gone through good times, bad times,

  • that time when people were eating Tide Pods.

  • All those times.

  • We were introduced to new technology

  • like emojis, new apps like Instagram.

  • And then people started posting pictures

  • of their peaches and their eggplants,

  • and the rest is history.

  • We also saw some truly amazing progress in the last 10 years.

  • I am so happy to say that gay marriage was

  • legalized in all 50 states.

  • Thank you, I invented gay.

  • Shortly after that, someone invented the cronut.

  • It's a combination of a croissant and a donut.

  • It was anything goes after gay marriage became legal.

  • People were doing crazy things.

  • I can't remember everything that's

  • happened on the show in the last 10 years.

  • But luckily, we have cameras and we're filming things.

  • So I don't have to.

  • And since everyone's talking about their top 10

  • moments from the decade, I'm going

  • to do something even crazier.

  • I'm going to show you my top four.

  • Yeah, I'm going to skip the six that you're like,

  • OK, get to the top four.

  • Hold onto your butt pads.

  • My first guest ever was Jennifer Aniston.

  • And since she's been here, she's been,

  • I think 16 times since then.

  • Yep.

  • We've gotten closer and closer through the years.

  • Maybe too close, because she let me do this to her.

  • I got you something that I was going

  • to get for Portia because her birthday was Monday.

  • And I almost gave it to her, but I got something else instead.

  • So I'm going to give it to you.

  • Oh, God.

  • All right.

  • OK.

  • Have you seen these?

  • What?

  • What is that?

  • Oh, God.

  • Oh, God.

  • What is it?

  • Follow my lead, OK?

  • Take those two things.

  • What am I doing?

  • You wearing a bra?

  • Yeah.

  • What, I put him in my bra?

  • Yeah.

  • Wait, I can't get in.

  • Hold on, I'm going to expose myself one way or the other.

  • Hold on a second.

  • Oh, no.

  • Whoa!

  • Yeah.

  • Am I getting milked?

  • What's happening?

  • You can't-- it's a feel.

  • Isn't it lovely?

  • This will enhance you.

  • I don't want to be enhanced.

  • Yes, you do.

  • I do?

  • Dear female friends, you have become our friends

  • when you're reading--

  • Oh, now they're going at the same time.

  • I know.

  • Isn't that wonderful?

  • You know, she acted like she wasn't into it.

  • She took them home, though.

  • They were gone.

  • One of my favorite things about this job is my staff.

  • They make me laugh every day.

  • This is a surprising moment from our annual Thanksgiving

  • monologue.

  • Thanksgiving is a big day for family.

  • And one of the most stressful parts

  • is figuring out where to seat the people at the dinner table.

  • That is, don't you think that that's the hardest thing?

  • Because they're like, why am I sitting over here

  • when, you know.

  • So today I thought I would help you out.

  • So here at the end of the table we have grandma, because.

  • It's a good place for Grandma to be

  • because, let's be honest, grandma

  • is going to keep talking about "those people"

  • and you don't know who she's talking about.

  • But you're pretty sure it's offensive.

  • So it's best that nobody hears what she's talking about.

  • All right, over here we have your Uncle Bob.

  • And he's going to have Bluetooth in his ear

  • the entire time, even though no one is calling him.

  • He was also on the last episode of Dateline.

  • So we keep him down here.

  • Next to him is his new wife Krystal.

  • She's into stuffing, and I don't mean the food.

  • And your Aunt Melissa, who is--

  • Big fan.

  • Thank you.

  • Who usually brings her roommate, but.

  • I've never been able to look at Troy the same way.

  • When I started this show, I had no idea

  • the kind of lifelong friends that I

  • would make like George Clooney and Julia Roberts and ALF.

  • And also Michelle Obama.

  • And when her new book came out, I took her to Costco

  • to sign some copies.

  • All right.

  • Oh, look.

  • This is the first time I've seen my book in a store.

  • It's here.

  • And you're going to sign books.

  • We have Michelle Obama here.

  • Michelle Obama.

  • She'll be signing books.

  • Free samples!

  • Anybody want a free sample?

  • What's your name?

  • Here's a free sample for you.

  • What is your name.

  • What's your name?

  • Michelle, what did you put in here?

  • Oh, my God.

  • Michelle, you can't do that.

  • Look at her.

  • She does a lot of book signings, so she gets a little, you know.

  • That's crazy, you can't--

  • I'm sorry, don't even act like that happened, all right?

  • What's your name?

  • Dina.

  • What-- What did you?

  • I didn't say anything.

  • Oh.

  • What aisle is the foot fungus medicine on?

  • Michelle is asking for foot fungus medicine.

  • I don't need foot fungus medicine, no.

  • So I came for lunch since I got my [INAUDIBLE]..

  • Are you sure you only want the 30-pack?

  • I don't need that much toilet paper.

  • I'm good.

  • We're good.

  • Why do you say one thing to me quietly, and then

  • act like you didn't say it?

  • For those of you can't get here, I'm

  • going to read a tiny bit of her book

  • so that you can see what is inside.

  • He hugged her by the waist and pulled her flush--

  • That's not--

  • [INTERPOSING VOICES]

  • That's not my book.

  • What book is that?

  • I don't know.

  • Start reading from my book.

  • Emma, OK.

  • Smell this.

  • No.

  • When they go low, we get high.

  • When they go low, we get high.

  • Put that down, you're going to get that up your nose.

  • And then you'll be sorry.

  • Going to get up your nose.

  • How are you guys doing?

  • What's your name?

  • Monica.

  • Great.

  • M-O-N-I-C-A?

  • I won't say anything.

  • Oh, my God.

  • From sitting so much.

  • Yeah, that can be a problem.

  • No, we don't need this.

  • No, thank you.

  • And what's your name?

  • What are you doing?

  • Can't take her anywhere, can you?

  • When I say Michelle, you say you Pfeiffer.

  • Michelle, Michelle.

  • You thought I was going to say Obama.

  • You got me on that one.

  • All right, everybody.

  • This has been fun.

  • I miss Michelle.

  • We miss Michelle.

  • I miss the Obama's.

  • We miss the Obama's.

  • We hope Michelle's foot fungus clears up.

  • I don't have foot fungus.

  • We love Michelle!

  • We love Ellen!

  • What you didn't see is she ended up

  • buying all of that Preparation H. Finally,

  • if there's one thing I love doing on my show,

  • it's hidden camera pranks like this one.

  • Well, our audience member Heidi Ann is at Starbucks.

  • She's wearing an ear piece.

  • She's going to say whatever I tell her to say.

  • Heidi Ann, nod if you can hear me.

  • Don't say anything, just nod if you can hear me.

  • All right, and give me a thumbs up, also.

  • All right, I want you to start guessing what they order.

  • You know, just say hello, welcome to Starbucks,

  • and then let me guess your order and just start guessing.

  • Hello person in a silver car, how can I help you?

  • Hello person and children in your car, how can I help you?

  • Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello,

  • hello, hello, hello.

  • Hello, hello, hello.

  • You do it with me and let's harmonize, ma'am.

  • I'll go hello, and you go hello.

  • Tell her.

  • Hello.

  • You do it with me.

  • I'm going to say hello and then you say hello, OK?

  • Hello.

  • OK, let's try it again.

  • Hello.

  • Hello.

  • Hello.

  • How can I help you?

  • Welcome to Starbucks, this is Heidi, how may I help you?

  • Can I get a venti iced coffee with three pumps

  • of white mocha, please?

  • I'm sorry, can you speak up?

  • Can I get a venti iced coffee with three pumps

  • of white mocha, please?

  • Three pumps?

  • Three pumps?

  • Are you sure you want three pumps?

  • You sure you want three pumps?

  • Absolutely, positive.

  • All right.

  • All right.

  • Oh, I just ate so much chocolate.

  • I'm full.

  • Oh, I just ate so much chocolate.

  • I'm full.

  • I just smoked so much weed--

  • [LAUGHING]

  • Like I said to Michelle Obama, when they go low, we get high.

  • This next decade is going to be so much fun.

  • And I'm going to keep doing this show

  • until they invite me on Dancing with the Stars.

  • We'll be back.

  • Hi, I'm Andy.

  • Ellen asked me to remind you to subscribe to her channel

  • so you can see more awesome videos,

  • like videos of me getting scared or saying embarrassing things.

  • Like ball peen hammer.

  • And also some videos of Ellen and other celebrities.

  • If you're into that sort of thing.

  • Ah!

  • [BLEEP]! God! [BLEEP]!

We are three weeks into 2020.

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