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  • The President: Thank you very much.

  • (applause)

  • Thank you.

  • Thank you so much, everybody.

  • Please have a seat, have a seat.

  • Before I get started, can we get the new

  • Presidential setup out here?

  • It's worked before.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • That's more like it.

  • It is great to be back.

  • What a year, huh?

  • I usually start these dinners with

  • a few self-deprecating jokes.

  • After my stellar 2013, what could

  • I possibly talk about?

  • (laughter)

  • I admit it -- last year was rough.

  • Sheesh.

  • (laughter)

  • At one point things got so bad,

  • the 47 percent called Mitt Romney to apologize.

  • (laughter)

  • Of course, we rolled out healthcare.gov.

  • That could have gone better.

  • (laughter)

  • In 2008 my slogan was, "Yes We Can."

  • In 2013 my slogan was, "Control-Alt-Delete."

  • (laughter)

  • On the plus side, they did turn the

  • launch of healthcare.gov into one

  • of the year's biggest movies.

  • (laughter)

  • But rather than dwell on the past,

  • I would like to pivot to this dinner.

  • Let's welcome our headliner this evening,

  • Joel McHale.

  • (applause)

  • On "Community," Joel plays a preening,

  • self-obsessed narcissist.

  • So this dinner must be a real change

  • of pace for you.

  • (laughter)

  • I want to thank

  • the White House

  • Correspondents Association

  • for hosting us here tonight.

  • I am happy to be here, even though

  • I am a little jet-lagged from my trip to Malaysia.

  • The lengths we have to go to get

  • CNN coverage these days.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • I think they're still

  • searching for their table.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • MSNBC is here.

  • They're a little overwhelmed.

  • (laughter)

  • They've never seen an audience

  • this big before.

  • (laughter)

  • But, look, everybody

  • is trying to keep up with this

  • incredibly fast-changing media landscape.

  • For example, I got a lot of grief on cable news

  • for promoting Obamacare to young people

  • on Between Two Ferns.

  • But that's what young people like to watch.

  • And to be fair, I am not the first person

  • on television between two potted plants.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • Sometimes I do feel

  • disrespected by you reporters.

  • But that's okay.

  • Seattle Seahawk cornerback Richard Sherman

  • is here tonight.

  • (applause)

  • And he gave me some great tips

  • on how to handle it.

  • Jake Tapper, don't you ever talk about

  • me like that!

  • (laughter)

  • I'm the best President in the game!

  • (laughter)

  • What do you think, Richard?

  • Was that good?

  • A little more feeling next time?

  • (laughter)

  • While we're talking sports, just last month,

  • a wonderful story -- an American

  • won the Boston Marathon for first time in 30 years.

  • (applause)

  • Which was inspiring and only fair,

  • since a Kenyan has been President

  • for the last six.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • Had to even things out.

  • (laughter)

  • We have some other athletes here

  • tonight, including Olympic snowboarding gold medalist

  • Jamie Anderson is here.

  • We're proud of her.

  • (applause)

  • Incredibly talented young lady.

  • Michelle and I watched the Olympics --

  • we cannot believe what these folks do -- death-defying feats

  • -- haven't seen somebody pull a "180"

  • that fast since Rand Paul disinvited that Nevada

  • rancher from this dinner.

  • (laughter)

  • As a general rule, things don't like

  • end well if the sentence starts,

  • "Let me tell you something I know about the negro."

  • (laughter)

  • You don't really need

  • to hear the rest of it.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • Just a tip for you --

  • don't start your sentence that way.

  • (laughter)

  • Speaking of Rand Paul

  • -- (laughter) --

  • Colorado legalized marijuana this year,

  • an interesting social experiment.

  • I do hope it doesn't lead to a whole lot of paranoid

  • people who think that the federal government

  • is out to get them and listening to their phone calls.

  • (laughter)

  • That would be a problem.

  • (laughter)

  • And speaking of conservative heroes,

  • the Koch brothers bought a table here tonight.

  • But as usual, they used a shadowy

  • right-wing organization as a front.

  • Hello, Fox News.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • I'm just kidding.

  • Let's face it, Fox, you'll miss me when I'm gone.

  • (laughter)

  • It will be harder to convince the

  • American people that Hillary was born in Kenya.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • A lot of us really

  • are concerned about the way big money

  • is influencing our politics.

  • I remember when a Super PAC was just

  • me buying Marlboro 100s instead of regulars.

  • (laughter)

  • Of course, now that it's 2014,

  • Washington is obsessed on the midterms.

  • Folks are saying that with my sagging poll numbers,

  • my fellow Democrats don't really

  • want me campaigning with them.

  • And I don't think that's true -- although I did

  • notice the other day that Sasha needed

  • a speaker at career day, and she invited Bill Clinton.

  • (laughter)

  • I was a little hurt by that.

  • (laughter)

  • Both sides are doing whatever it takes

  • to win the ruthless game.

  • Republicans -- this is a true story --

  • Republicans actually brought in a group of consultants

  • to teach their candidates how to speak to women.

  • This is true.

  • And I don't know if it will work with women,

  • but I understand that America's teenage boys

  • are signing up to run for the Senate in droves.

  • (laughter)

  • Anyway, while you guys focus on the

  • horserace, I'm going to do what I do --

  • I'm going to be focused on everyday Americans.

  • Just yesterday, I read a heartbreaking letter --

  • you know I get letters from folks from around

  • the country; every day I get 10 that I read --

  • this one got to me.

  • A Virginia man who's been stuck in the same

  • part-time job for years; no respect from his boss;

  • no chance to get ahead.

  • I really wish Eric Cantor would stop writing me.