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  • Chad: Hey Mogg.

  • Mogg: Hey Mr. J.

  • Chad: So now you're doing all this merch marketing like these three awesome DEATH BATTLE t-shirts can get kind of stressful so we added two new office amenities what i think will help take the edge off.

  • Like the new office jacuzzi?

  • Mogg: Sheesh, no thanks!

  • You have a smell of wet sock before?

  • Chad: All right maybe relaxing massage then?

  • Mogg: Nyeeh I got a fear of hands.

  • Chad: All right how about a nice hot sauna?

  • Mogg: It's a (bleep) toast oven Chad.

  • Mogg Slothman and now I got the sexiest shirt in the market: DEATH BATTLE shirts.

  • You wear this you're gonna find yourself in a sex battle.

  • I don't know what that is? But I know you'll love it okay?

  • Now click that link below and buy this shirt or they gonna eat me.

  • (Cues: Invader - Jim Johnston)

  • Wiz: The freezing chill of death is a horrifying thought.

  • Whether it comes from being alone in the mountains, submerged in the Antarctic,

  • Boomstick: ...Or if you're really unlucky, gettin' iced by one of these "cool" warriors.

  • Wow. Sorry, that was bad even for me.

  • Wiz: Sub-Zero, the cryomancer ninja of Mortal Kombat.

  • Boomstick: And Glacius, the icy alien with a Killer Instinct.

  • He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.

  • Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor & skills to find out who would win... A DEATH BATTLE.

  • For untold generations the Lin Kuei assassins waged war with their rival splinter group, the Shirai Ryu.

  • Desperate to claim victory in the bloody conflict, the Lin Kuei resorted to drastic means of recruitment for able-bodied soldiers,

  • no matter what age they were.

  • Boomstick: Soooo... kidnappin' children?

  • Wiz: Kidnapping children.

  • Boomstick: Well at least they got to be ninjas! I bet their tiny little bodies would even stealthier.

  • Wiz: Turns out two of these kids just so happened to be descendants from a race of extradimensional beings experienced in the art of ice magic.

  • Their names were Bi-Han and Kuai Liang.

  • Boomstick: With the Lin Kuei's training, these brothers became cold-blooded assassins and the finest warriors in the clan.

  • Wiz: And whether it started as a joke or he just thought it was badass, Bi-Han adopted a brand new name: Sub-Zero.

  • Boomstick: Sounds like an online username from your teenage years and you regret forever when you're older.

  • Wiz: Sub-Zero was so fierce and driven he became directly responsible for the complete annihilation of the rival Shirai Ryu clan.

  • Boomstick: Unfortunately for him one of them called Scorpion survived.

  • Well, kind of, and decided to kill him right back, which obviously pissed off Kuai Liang who decided to do the

  • same to Scorpion and, god it's like high school drama, but with murder.

  • Wiz: Striving to honor his fallen brother, Kuai Liang assumed his brother's mantle as the champion of the Lin Kuei.

  • Sub-Zero was reborn.

  • MK Announcer: SUB-ZERO.

  • Wiz: This new Sub-Zero is a master of Shotokan karate and Dragon kung-fu and enchances his martial arts with his deadly cryomantic abilities.

  • Boomstick: Subby can freeze the moisture in the air to do tons of stuff.

  • He can make his own personal slip-n-slide (perfect for surprise attacks!),

  • he can form all sorts of weapons out of thin air, like daggers, swords or even ice hammers.

  • But best of all, the dude can make ice so cold it instantly freezes anybody who touches it.

  • Wiz: This can be achieved through Sub-Zero's Ice Blast projectile or the Ice Klone technique;

  • both of which completely immobilize his opponent for devastating follow-up attacks.

  • Boomstick: Did... did he just make a perfect sculpture of himself?

  • Why doesn't he go into the ice sculpting business?

  • Dude would make a killing!

  • Well, just... you know... not the literal kind. He's got that down already.

  • Wiz: Sub-Zero can also implement his cryomancy and ninja talents and what appears to be near-instant teleportation,

  • an unexpected ability which baffles even his fellow assassins.

  • Boomstick: Yeah, but I bet that's still not as unexpected as turning into freakin' a polar bear!

  • Like... how though?

  • I wanna do that!

  • Wiz: And best of all, after subduing his enemy, Sub-Zero has no qualms about tearing them to bloody shreds with one of his Fatalities.

  • Boomstick: Taking after his dear old bro's favorite form of murder,

  • Sub-Zero can rip a person's head off with their entire spinal column in tow.

  • This one's for you Bi-Han!

  • If he's feeling particularly nasty, Sub-Zero will toy with his opponent.

  • He'll encase their lower half in ice and force them to watch helplessly as he tears them in half.

  • Or for a quick death, he'll put 'em in a deep freeze that shatters like glass.

  • Wiz: At most it takes Sub-Zero approximately 4 seconds to freeze a person in place...

  • which in real-world physics is completely impossible.

  • To induce full body frostbite in that time, he would have to lower the surrounding temperature to negative SIX AND A HALF MILLION DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.

  • Boomstick: That's a stupid amount of cold!

  • Wiz: 13,000 times colder than absolute zero, to be exact.

  • Making it a temperature which literally CANNOT EXIST.

  • Boomstick: And yet still not as cold as my ex-wife's heart.

  • Ha! Anyway, Sub-Zero has more than earned his reputation as one of the most fearsome fighters in the Mortal Kombat universe.

  • He's strong enough to break titanium statues with a single chop, quick enough to dodge an oncoming rocket,

  • and he defeated some of the best warriors across multiple dimensions, like the lizard dude Reptile

  • and Taven the half-god who single-handedly defeated dozens Lin Kuei assassins.

  • He's beaten his rival for life Scorpion several times and even took on...

  • BATMAN!?

  • Wiz: Through sheer willpower he's survived injuries no normal person could walk away from.

  • Like getting torched in the face by a flamethrower, or being double impaled through the torso.

  • And then torched again!

  • Boomstick: WHOA! That's a lot of blood!

  • Like, how does he have any left?

  • Wiz: I know, right??

  • But that pales in comparison to when he underwent the procedures which turned him into a cyborg,

  • and then was blown apart and reassembled into human form while still conscious.

  • Boomstick: Damn what a tough son of a bitch!

  • Wiz: But don't overestimate him. Although Sub-Zero keeps company with powerful spirits, undead wraiths and immortal gods...

  • he's not one of them.

  • He may have incredible powers but he's still just a mortal man.

  • Also, his emotional baggage and desire to live up to his brother's name has clouded his judgement more than once.

  • Boomstick: But that didn't stop him from becoming Grandmaster of the Lin Kuei;

  • he changed their goals, turning them to the side of good,

  • and even formed an alliance with his old rival Scorpion over a nice brunch.

  • Life couldn't get any better.

  • And then they found dragons!

  • Sub-Zero: Shirai Ryu dog.

  • Scorpion: Lin Kuei scum!

  • Sub-Zero: Death is more honor than you deserve.

  • Wiz: Beyond our solar system, advanced civilizations are governed by the 88 Decrees.

  • Should anyone dare violate these laws, they will find themselves targeted by the Galactic Marshalls.

  • Boomstick: Aka space cops.

  • One of these alien officers was sent to Earth to investigate an eerie distress signal.

  • But he was shot down by the world-dominating corporation called Ultratech.

  • Y'know, evil Wal-Mart.

  • Wiz: Ultratech had reverse engineered equipment from an alien crash some decades prior.

  • The Rosswell incident.

  • However, the use of advanced technology by less developed species is a clear violation of the 88 Decrees.

  • Boomstick: Kind of like give if you saw a chimpanzee pickup a flamethrower. It'd be awesome!

  • But you'd want to take it away real quick.

  • Wiz: Determined to correct these wrongs and return home, the alien marshall set his sights on bringing Ultratech to their knees and recovering his lost technology...

  • And if he couldn't, he'd just blow it all up.

  • Boomstick: It was Ultratech who codenamed him Glacius.

  • Don't let his name fool ya; Glacius wasn't always known for his fancy ice powers.

  • Actually, he comes from a race of aliens with weird telekinetic abilities.

  • Wiz: By manipulating simple molecular structures Glacius can use the environent nearby to create armor around his inner body.

  • This came in handy when his ship was shot down in Antarctica and he lost his native shell.

  • Boomstick: So he had no choice but to make a new shell out of ice which permanently turned him into an abominable snow monster.

  • Wiz: With this new body, Glacius developed a fighting style to make the most of his new capabilities.

  • Boomstick: Glacius prefers to fight at a distance using his long-range ice bending attacks.

  • He can turn his limbs into huge ice lances to keep enemies at bay, create spiky hail projectiles and even summon spires of ice right under his opponent.

  • And... did he just punch that guy with an ice sculpture of himself!?

  • Wiz: More or less.

  • That is the Shatter technique: a powerful burst of energy which summons a mysterious uppercutting ice sculpture.

  • Boomstick: Perfect for opening up some sweet combos on his foes.

  • Still, for all his keep away game, you'd think he'd be a total chump up close.

  • But remember how he can move ice with his mind?

  • Well he can melt it too, including himself.

  • Wiz: By turning his body into liquid he can evade oncoming attacks,

  • surprise opponents from below with the aptly named "Puddle Punch",

  • and even completely dissolve people into nothing.

  • And as an added precaution he summon extra ice to his body to serve as thicker armor,

  • though his molecular telekinesis is too limited to maintain this armor for long periods of time.

  • Boomstick: He may be made of ice but Glacius can still hit hard enough to launch opponents several stories into the air.

  • Including the 550-pound Fulgore units Ultratech is known for.

  • Wiz: He's cunning enough to not only infiltrate Ultratech's highly-guarded facilities, but also surprise attack its highly advanced robotic CEO, Aria.

  • Before making his move, by Aria's own calculations, Glacius was able to drop the temperature of the entire room by 122 degrees Fahrenheit in .026 seconds.

  • That's a quarter of a tenth of a second.

  • Boomstick: Just like Sub-Zero he can lower a person's temperature by like thousands of degrees to freeze his opponents completely solid.

  • And then he makes them explode.

  • WITH HIS MIND!

  • Wiz: Maybe Glacius's real name is Kelvin, because that's colder than absolute zero!

  • Boomstick: Feel like that was some sort of nerd joke.

  • Wiz: Yes it was!

  • Boomstick: Yeah you're not allowed to make a joke ever again.

  • Wiz: Oh why you gotta be so cold!?

  • Anyway in Glacius's mission to bring down Ultratech,

  • he battled and defeated dozens of killer robots,

  • a zombie pirate, a genetically engineered dinosaur fighter...

  • and a werewolf.

  • Boomstick: He even killed Cinder, the guy who's made of friggin' fire! You know, opposite ice??

  • Wiz: Glacius is ridiculously intimidating but he does have a weakness.

  • His natural body within the ice is fragile and defenseless.

  • His entire fighting style is built around keeping foes away for this very reason.

  • Boomstick: So how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Glacius?

  • Wiz: That's gross!

  • Boomstick: What, he looks like a giant popsicle with legs, come on!

  • Wiz: You know what Boomstick?

  • You're fucking weird.

  • All right the combatants are set!

  • Let's end this debate once and for all!

  • Boomstick: But first all this talk of these cold people makes me think of refrigerators which makes me think of food so here we go.

  • Now I'm a man who likes a good home cooked meal but going out to buy or hunt my own food is a hassle.