Name: Conan O'Brien at the 2013 White House Correspondents' Dinner - Complete
Uploaded: 2014-04-25T08:35:07.000Z
Duration: 27 min 40 s
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Conan O'Brien: Thank you. Thank you. Please remain seated. That is not necessary. [applause]

[laughter] thank you, don’t stand, that wouldn’t be right. Good evening, thank you,

Mr. President, Mrs. Obama, distinguished members of the press and Bon Jovi.

Yes, it is an honor to share the stage with the President. When you think about it, the

President and I are a lot alike. We both went to Harvard, we both have two children and

we both told Joe Biden we did not have extra tickets for tonight event.

We also have something else in common, I too recently got in hot water for talking about

a public official’s good looks. It was when time I would not shut up about that stone

cold fox, Secretary of Transportation Ray Lahood. Oh, man. I like the cut of his jib.

Bu President Obama, President Obama, you had some great jokes. It was a pleasure watching

you stand here and do what I do. Now it is only fair that I get to do what you do. That’s

right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 minutes I will be mired in intense dysfunctional

standoff with congress. This is going to be fun.

Now right away, I would like to formally congratulate the President on his re-election. Congratulations.

As you all know, he is hard at work creating jobs. Since he was first selected, the number

of popes has doubled. And the number of tonight show hosts has tripled. Congratulations.

And while I’m at it, I would like to congratulate President George W. Bush on big dedication

of his Presidential library. Yes, the library has millions of books, articles, and documents

and if you go, you can be the first to read them. You can’t hurt me.

Ladies and gentlemen, let’s get going. Right here at the start I am going to share something

with you people and it does not leave this room. I say this with absolute confidence,

because we are on C- Span. Who doesn’t love C-SPAN, seriously? C-SPAN. It’s an entire

channel shot the backup Camera on a Ford Explorer. Congratulations to C-SPAN for winning the

bid to broadcast this event. They narrowly beat out HD TV two, TVC South America and

the Hilton Hotel how to check out channel. That’s right, the Hilton. It is great to

Is it just me or is it time to stop using Priceline to book this event? No, I really

love the Hilton. I love their motto, sorry the Radisson was booked.

I was worried that because of the sequester we would be forced to hold this event at a

less prestigious hotel then the dc Hilton. Then I was told that was not possible.

I do want to thank the Hilton for accommodating us. They were kind enough to reschedule a

cash for gold seminar. By the way, for those of you here for the cash for gold seminar,

that has been moved to salon ‘B’ on the mezzanine. And if Joe Biden asks, there are

Quick announcement, before we really get going, before we continue, if any of you are live

tweeting this event, please use the #incapable oflivinginthemoment. [laughter] yeah. Yeah.

Yes, Yes. Also, to any U.S. Senators here tonight, if you would like to switch your

dessert or your position on gay marriage, please signal a waiter. By the way Speaking

of dinner, tonight entrees were halibut, and filet mignon. Or as CNN reported, lasagna

and couscous. There is a gavel here, and I don’t know why. [gavel pounds]

Here is a fun fact about tonight’s food, everything you it was personally shot by Wayne

Lapierre. Don’t worry it was during a home invasion. The fish came in through the window.

It wasn’t peppercorn, it was buckshot, ladies and gentlemen. Incidentally, you may not know

this, but Wayne Lapierre is merely the executive Vice President of the NRA. Which begs the

question, how freaking crazy do you have to be to be the actual President of the NRA?

Also, I would like to acknowledge that earlier this evening there was some confusion with

the seating chart. For a moment, someone accidentally sat governor Chris Christie with the Republicans.

That was awkward, and I apologize. Very awkward. But speaking of tables, before dinner, I had

a chance to mingle, you probably saw me. I worked the crowd, shook some hands and sold

my twitter account to Al Jazeera for $500 million. They will buy anything. (ah ha ha

It is an absolute joy to be her at the White House correspondents dinner. Last year, Tom

Brokaw criticized this event for having too many superstars and A-list celebrities. When

I told him I would be attending this year, he said, that’s more like it. That should

But this is really a star- studded event. this year, you have taken it to new heights.

I have to congratulate you. New heights! Because you have some of the guy from duck dynasty

is here – duck dynasty. Which can only mean one thing, the guys from storage wars said

no. I love duck dynasty, don’t get me wrong. I really don’t think the whistle — all

my god, it works. It’s incredible. He is here. I always hated that one.

As some of you know, this is my second time speaking at this event. I was 18 years ago

in 1995, a lot has changed since then. Today you can get real-time information on world

events from something small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. Back in 1995, we

called that George Stephanopoulos. I can see if George is here because there is a crouton

It is amazing to think how much our country has changed in 18 years. Think about it. If

in 1995 you told me that in 2013, we would have an African- American President with a

middle name Hussein, who was just reelected to a second term in a sluggish economy, I

would have said, oh, he must have run against Mitt Romney.

By the way, no offense, Mr. President, I do congratulate you on your victory, but as a

late-night comedian, I was kind of pulling for the rich guy who’s horse danced in the

The demographics of this country have been rapidly changing over the past two decades.

I look forward to hosting this event 18 years from now. Then, my opening line will be, [speaking

spanish] Si. Especialmente, Presidente Mario Lopez. But, my prior experience has taught

me how these dinners work. If the President laughs, everyone laughs. If the Fox News table

laughs, a little girl just fell off her bike.

How are you doing, Bill? Yes, all the Washington news media are here tonight, including the

stars of online journalism. I did the Huffington post has a table. Which has me wondering,

if you are here, who is covering Miley Cyrus’s latest nip slip? Who is assembling today’s

top 25 yogurt related tweets? Seven mistakes your making with bacon, and

that’s a real one, and you should be ashamed our yourselves.

By the way, just before dinner, I tried to say a quick hello to Arianna Huffington, but

she made me watch a 32 second ad first. — 30-second ad first.

Yes, a lot of online stars in the room, but unfortunately Matt Drudge couldn’t make

it. Ya, he had a prior commitment to teach a web design class in 1997.

Of course, the Washington print media is also joining us this evening. The print media are

here for two very good reasons. food and shelter.

You know, how are you, you know, some people say print media is dying, but I don’t believe

it. Neither does my blacksmith. You have got to meet Zachariah, he is great. Man, rough

year for Newsweek, which after 80 years published its last print issue. Yeah. Time magazine

might be gloating, but they really shouldn’t, because Time will outlive Newsweek a way Juliett

outlived Romeo. Read the play, it is very smart.

Things are so tough for old media, Reuters – (this is a true story) Reuters is having

its after party right here at the Hilton. Because nothing says we are having a great

here like having your after party at the same table where you just had dinner. With that

in mind, Reuters is asking everyone here to leave a little wine at the bottom of the glass.

And to be fair, print media still has a big star in Bob Woodward. Got to give it up for

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Conan O'Brien at the 2013 White House Correspondents' Dinner - Complete

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