[laughter] thank you, don’t stand, that wouldn’t be right. Good evening, thank you,

Mr. President, Mrs. Obama, distinguished members of the press and Bon Jovi.

Yes, it is an honor to share the stage with the President. When you think about it, the

President and I are a lot alike. We both went to Harvard, we both have two children and

we both told Joe Biden we did not have extra tickets for tonight event.

We also have something else in common, I too recently got in hot water for talking about

a public official’s good looks. It was when time I would not shut up about that stone

cold fox, Secretary of Transportation Ray Lahood. Oh, man. I like the cut of his jib.

Bu President Obama, President Obama, you had some great jokes. It was a pleasure watching

you stand here and do what I do. Now it is only fair that I get to do what you do. That’s

right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 minutes I will be mired in intense dysfunctional

standoff with congress. This is going to be fun.

Now right away, I would like to formally congratulate the President on his re-election. Congratulations.

Thank you.

As you all know, he is hard at work creating jobs. Since he was first selected, the number

of popes has doubled. And the number of tonight show hosts has tripled. Congratulations.

And while I’m at it, I would like to congratulate President George W. Bush on big dedication

of his Presidential library. Yes, the library has millions of books, articles, and documents

and if you go, you can be the first to read them. You can’t hurt me.

Ladies and gentlemen, let’s get going. Right here at the start I am going to share something

with you people and it does not leave this room. I say this with absolute confidence,

because we are on C- Span. Who doesn’t love C-SPAN, seriously? C-SPAN. It’s an entire

channel shot the backup Camera on a Ford Explorer. Congratulations to C-SPAN for winning the

bid to broadcast this event. They narrowly beat out HD TV two, TVC South America and

the Hilton Hotel how to check out channel. That’s right, the Hilton. It is great to

be here at the Hilton.

Is it just me or is it time to stop using Priceline to book this event? No, I really

love the Hilton. I love their motto, sorry the Radisson was booked.

I was worried that because of the sequester we would be forced to hold this event at a

less prestigious hotel then the dc Hilton. Then I was told that was not possible.

I do want to thank the Hilton for accommodating us. They were kind enough to reschedule a

cash for gold seminar. By the way, for those of you here for the cash for gold seminar,

that has been moved to salon ‘B’ on the mezzanine. And if Joe Biden asks, there are

no extra tickets for that, either.

Quick announcement, before we really get going, before we continue, if any of you are live

tweeting this event, please use the #incapable oflivinginthemoment. [laughter] yeah. Yeah.

Yes, Yes. Also, to any U.S. Senators here tonight, if you would like to switch your

dessert or your position on gay marriage, please signal a waiter. By the way Speaking

of dinner, tonight entrees were halibut, and filet mignon. Or as CNN reported, lasagna

and couscous. There is a gavel here, and I don’t know why. [gavel pounds]

Here is a fun fact about tonight’s food, everything you it was personally shot by Wayne

Lapierre. Don’t worry it was during a home invasion. The fish came in through the window.

It wasn’t peppercorn, it was buckshot, ladies and gentlemen. Incidentally, you may not know

this, but Wayne Lapierre is merely the executive Vice President of the NRA. Which begs the

question, how freaking crazy do you have to be to be the actual President of the NRA?

He is not even at the top.

Also, I would like to acknowledge that earlier this evening there was some confusion with

the seating chart. For a moment, someone accidentally sat governor Chris Christie with the Republicans.

That was awkward, and I apologize. Very awkward. But speaking of tables, before dinner, I had

a chance to mingle, you probably saw me. I worked the crowd, shook some hands and sold

my twitter account to Al Jazeera for $500 million. They will buy anything. (ah ha ha

ha ha ha)

It is an absolute joy to be her at the White House correspondents dinner. Last year, Tom

Brokaw criticized this event for having too many superstars and A-list celebrities. When

I told him I would be attending this year, he said, that’s more like it. That should

not be funny to you.

But this is really a star- studded event. this year, you have taken it to new heights.

I have to congratulate you. New heights! Because you have some of the guy from duck dynasty

is here – duck dynasty. Which can only mean one thing, the guys from storage wars said

no. I love duck dynasty, don’t get me wrong. I really don’t think the whistle — all

my god, it works. It’s incredible. He is here. I always hated that one.

As some of you know, this is my second time speaking at this event. I was 18 years ago

in 1995, a lot has changed since then. Today you can get real-time information on world

events from something small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. Back in 1995, we

called that George Stephanopoulos. I can see if George is here because there is a crouton

in the way.

It is amazing to think how much our country has changed in 18 years. Think about it. If

in 1995 you told me that in 2013, we would have an African- American President with a

middle name Hussein, who was just reelected to a second term in a sluggish economy, I

would have said, oh, he must have run against Mitt Romney.

By the way, no offense, Mr. President, I do congratulate you on your victory, but as a

late-night comedian, I was kind of pulling for the rich guy who’s horse danced in the

Olympics.

The demographics of this country have been rapidly changing over the past two decades.

I look forward to hosting this event 18 years from now. Then, my opening line will be, [speaking

spanish] Si. Especialmente, Presidente Mario Lopez. But, my prior experience has taught

me how these dinners work. If the President laughs, everyone laughs. If the Fox News table

laughs, a little girl just fell off her bike.

How are you doing, Bill? Yes, all the Washington news media are here tonight, including the

stars of online journalism. I did the Huffington post has a table. Which has me wondering,

if you are here, who is covering Miley Cyrus’s latest nip slip? Who is assembling today’s

top 25 yogurt related tweets? Seven mistakes your making with bacon, and

that’s a real one, and you should be ashamed our yourselves.

By the way, just before dinner, I tried to say a quick hello to Arianna Huffington, but

she made me watch a 32 second ad first. — 30-second ad first.

Yes, a lot of online stars in the room, but unfortunately Matt Drudge couldn’t make

it. Ya, he had a prior commitment to teach a web design class in 1997.

Of course, the Washington print media is also joining us this evening. The print media are

here for two very good reasons. food and shelter.

You know, how are you, you know, some people say print media is dying, but I don’t believe

it. Neither does my blacksmith. You have got to meet Zachariah, he is great. Man, rough

year for Newsweek, which after 80 years published its last print issue. Yeah. Time magazine

might be gloating, but they really shouldn’t, because Time will outlive Newsweek a way Juliett

outlived Romeo. Read the play, it is very smart.

Things are so tough for old media, Reuters – (this is a true story) Reuters is having

its after party right here at the Hilton. Because nothing says we are having a great

here like having your after party at the same table where you just had dinner. With that

in mind, Reuters is asking everyone here to leave a little wine at the bottom of the glass.

And to be fair, print media still has a big star in Bob Woodward. Got to give it up for

Bob Woodward. [applause] Earlier this evening,

a waiter asked him if he wanted regular or decaf and he said, Stop threatening me!

Also tonight, some big names in television news. When it comes to television news, we

have a divided landscape. Fox news is watched by conservatives, MSNBC watched by liberals

and CNN is watched by people who clean the offices at CNN. [laughter] [oohs] Oh, it gets

worst. CNN’s ratings are so low, now when it comes up, James Earl Jones says, you are

watching CNN? what the hell? I have to say, in the past two years, CNN has made some odd

moves. It replaced the — popular Larry King with one of the scheming footman from “Downton

Abbey.” it is good to see my old friends at MSNBC. Chris Matthews is here. Chris Matthews has the only show

where the commercial exists just so they can wipe the spittle off the lens. By the way,

during the Boston coverage on MSNBC last week, Chuck Todd stopped

a pundit from speculating on on fire side — unverified information. There is no joke

here. I’m just letting the people at CNN know that you can do that. This is a learning

experience.

Hello to Fox news star Bill O’Reilly, Bill has become quite the author. He’s had two

recent bestsellers, ” Killing Kennedy” and “killing Lincoln.” He also wrote a

book that wasn’t as nearly as popular – the Natural Peaceful Death of Taft. What were

you thinking.

The truth is Bill O’Reilly (and this is true) is now working on his next book, due

out this fall, this time about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time in history

Jesus’s death is blamed on Obamacare.

Two quick shout outs to PBS and NPR. PBS — yes! [applause] Those people love to party. Guys

if you get lucky tonight – Be safe, where a tote bag. It works. You have got to love

NPR. Still the number one source for news delivered as if there is a toddler sleeping

in the next room. Shh!

NBC NEWS is in the house. They have had a rough go of it. The Today Show let go of Ann

Curry. After being told that an curry said, how broker tells the world that he crafted

answer the White House and I am getting fired? Al is the reason there are no more tours of

the White House, they’re still hosing it down.

Brian Williams is here. Brian – I am a big fan of your show. Rock Center with Brian Williams

– If you haven’t seen it, imagine brand delivering the evening news on a different

floor of the building, a little later, with a slightly different tie. It is a mind blower.

You gotta check it out.

As I look all around the room, I see all the media here tonight, I realize this is one

big high school cafeteria. That is all it is. Think about it. Fox is the jocks. MSNBC

is the nerds. Bloggers are the Goths. NPR is the table for kids with peanut allergies.

[laughter] Al Jazeera is the weird foreign- exchange student nobody talks to. And print

media, you are the poor kid who died sophomore year in a car crash. Ya, cheer up, we dedicate

the yearbook to you.

Of course, probably the biggest or that people covered this past year was the Republicans

failure to recapture the White House. Hard to believe they did not fare better with this

port of celebrities like Ted Nugent and Meatloaf. They underestimated the number of voters who

still drive carpeted vans.

The republican party’s on the mend. One rising star on the right is Senator Marco

Rubio. Or as he is known in the republican party, our black guy. Ya.

By the way, as of today come in the U.S. Senate has a record number of African- american senators.

Two. Two. In other words, there are now more African-Americans in the senate and in a Mumford

and Sons concert. Thank you, younger people.

Paul Ryan — I don’t understand! What’s he babbling about? Who is this man? Paul Ryan

recently — he really burst through when he ran or Vice President. After the election,

Ryan said President Obama was reelected because of the high turnout of urban voters. When

he was asked how he liked his coffee he said, no milk, no sugar, just urban.

Well there is RNC chairman writes previous — Reince Priebus. Tonight he is sitting

between his brothers lather and repeat.

House majority leader Eric Cantor is here. Or as I like to refer to him, yet another

Jewish Republican from the south — Get sold.

That also reminds me also joining us a Congressman from New York named Steve Israel. He is from

New York and his name is Israel. Now, there is pandering, and then there is pandering.

That is like having a Congressman from South Carolina named Jesus H.Gun – my name is

Jesus – Jesus H. Gun.

You’ve got to use this thing, it is fantastic. [Gavel Pounds]

I mentioned Chris Christie earlier, governor Christie and Shaquille O’neal are sitting

at the same dinner table. So, let’s give it up for the real unsung hero tonight, their

waiter. That poor bastard is gonna lose an arm.

And I believe we have one or two supreme court justices here. The supreme court seems divided

over same-sex marriage. The liberal justices favorite it while the conservatives oppose

any life long union between two men, unless it is Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas.

What the hell was that?

There’s no surprise, Speaker John Boehner is not here tonight. Speaker banner and President

Obama are still struggling to get along. President Obama and John Boehner, are kind of like a

blind date between Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow. In theory, they understand each other’s

positions, but deep down, you know nothing’s ever gonna happen.

[Gavel Pounds] [Gavel Pounds] Speaking of nothing happening, we are all hoping of course

that nothing happens with North Korea. And that got me wondering, what is with Kim Jong-un?

In the past, we have had really scary enemies like Saddam Hussain and Hitler. Now, suddenly

our nemesis is a pouty teenage boy who dresses like Rosie O’donnell at the Emmys. Kim Jong-un

does not understand that we aren’t afraid of him. What that guy doesn’t get is

that we already have an unstable peninsula that will ultimately bring down america. It

is called Florida. Yes it is.

Yes, President Obama has a lot on his plate right now. But he is at the very nice stage

where there are no more secrets left to come out about him. We all know that he lived in

Indonesia as a child, studied at a Muslim seminary and occasionally ate dog. From the

beginning, a kid who had his eyes set on the U.S. Presidency. Check, and check. Here I

come.

I know the relationship between the President and the press can seem a bit strained at times.

Some in this room have accused him of being distant and aloof. When I asked the President

about it earlier, he said, oh, and then walked away.

Of course it is only natural, but Mr. President election was less exciting than the first

time around in 2008. An election night on 2008, you celebrated with hundreds of thousands

of people in Chicago’s Grant park. It was fascinating.

This time around, you split the Char-dog with David Axelrod at the wiener circle. It just

did not have the same buzz. And by the way I have a question. And I think some of you

also have this question. It has been several months since you were reelected, so I am curious,

why are you still sending everyone five e-mails a day asking for more money? You won. Do you

have a gambling problem we don’t know about? Did you put it all on Gonzaga? You did, didn’t

you? He did. [gavel pounds]