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Conan O'Brien: Thank you. Thank you. Please remain seated. That is not necessary. [applause]
[laughter] thank you, don’t stand, that wouldn’t be right. Good evening, thank you,
Mr. President, Mrs. Obama, distinguished members of the press and Bon Jovi.
Yes, it is an honor to share the stage with the President. When you think about it, the
President and I are a lot alike. We both went to Harvard, we both have two children and
we both told Joe Biden we did not have extra tickets for tonight event.
We also have something else in common, I too recently got in hot water for talking about
a public official’s good looks. It was when time I would not shut up about that stone
cold fox, Secretary of Transportation Ray Lahood. Oh, man. I like the cut of his jib.
Bu President Obama, President Obama, you had some great jokes. It was a pleasure watching
you stand here and do what I do. Now it is only fair that I get to do what you do. That’s
right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 minutes I will be mired in intense dysfunctional
standoff with congress. This is going to be fun.
Now right away, I would like to formally congratulate the President on his re-election. Congratulations.
Thank you.
As you all know, he is hard at work creating jobs. Since he was first selected, the number
of popes has doubled. And the number of tonight show hosts has tripled. Congratulations.
And while I’m at it, I would like to congratulate President George W. Bush on big dedication
of his Presidential library. Yes, the library has millions of books, articles, and documents
and if you go, you can be the first to read them. You can’t hurt me.
Ladies and gentlemen, let’s get going. Right here at the start I am going to share something
with you people and it does not leave this room. I say this with absolute confidence,
because we are on C- Span. Who doesn’t love C-SPAN, seriously? C-SPAN. It’s an entire
channel shot the backup Camera on a Ford Explorer. Congratulations to C-SPAN for winning the
bid to broadcast this event. They narrowly beat out HD TV two, TVC South America and
the Hilton Hotel how to check out channel. That’s right, the Hilton. It is great to
be here at the Hilton.
Is it just me or is it time to stop using Priceline to book this event? No, I really
love the Hilton. I love their motto, sorry the Radisson was booked.
I was worried that because of the sequester we would be forced to hold this event at a
less prestigious hotel then the dc Hilton. Then I was told that was not possible.
I do want to thank the Hilton for accommodating us. They were kind enough to reschedule a
cash for gold seminar. By the way, for those of you here for the cash for gold seminar,
that has been moved to salon ‘B’ on the mezzanine. And if Joe Biden asks, there are
no extra tickets for that, either.
Quick announcement, before we really get going, before we continue, if any of you are live
tweeting this event, please use the #incapable oflivinginthemoment. [laughter] yeah. Yeah.
Yes, Yes. Also, to any U.S. Senators here tonight, if you would like to switch your
dessert or your position on gay marriage, please signal a waiter. By the way Speaking
of dinner, tonight entrees were halibut, and filet mignon. Or as CNN reported, lasagna
and couscous. There is a gavel here, and I don’t know why. [gavel pounds]
Here is a fun fact about tonight’s food, everything you it was personally shot by Wayne
Lapierre. Don’t worry it was during a home invasion. The fish came in through the window.
It wasn’t peppercorn, it was buckshot, ladies and gentlemen. Incidentally, you may not know
this, but Wayne Lapierre is merely the executive Vice President of the NRA. Which begs the
question, how freaking crazy do you have to be to be the actual President of the NRA?
He is not even at the top.
Also, I would like to acknowledge that earlier this evening there was some confusion with
the seating chart. For a moment, someone accidentally sat governor Chris Christie with the Republicans.
That was awkward, and I apologize. Very awkward. But speaking of tables, before dinner, I had
a chance to mingle, you probably saw me. I worked the crowd, shook some hands and sold
my twitter account to Al Jazeera for $500 million. They will buy anything. (ah ha ha
ha ha ha)
It is an absolute joy to be her at the White House correspondents dinner. Last year, Tom
Brokaw criticized this event for having too many superstars and A-list celebrities. When
I told him I would be attending this year, he said, that’s more like it. That should
not be funny to you.
But this is really a star- studded event. this year, you have taken it to new heights.
I have to congratulate you. New heights! Because you have some of the guy from duck dynasty
is here – duck dynasty. Which can only mean one thing, the guys from storage wars said
no. I love duck dynasty, don’t get me wrong. I really don’t think the whistle — all
my god, it works. It’s incredible. He is here. I always hated that one.
As some of you know, this is my second time speaking at this event. I was 18 years ago
in 1995, a lot has changed since then. Today you can get real-time information on world
events from something small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. Back in 1995, we
called that George Stephanopoulos. I can see if George is here because there is a crouton
in the way.
It is amazing to think how much our country has changed in 18 years. Think about it. If
in 1995 you told me that in 2013, we would have an African- American President with a
middle name Hussein, who was just reelected to a second term in a sluggish economy, I
would have said, oh, he must have run against Mitt Romney.
By the way, no offense, Mr. President, I do congratulate you on your victory, but as a
late-night comedian, I was kind of pulling for the rich guy who’s horse danced in the
Olympics.
The demographics of this country have been rapidly changing over the past two decades.
I look forward to hosting this event 18 years from now. Then, my opening line will be, [speaking
spanish] Si. Especialmente, Presidente Mario Lopez. But, my prior experience has taught
me how these dinners work. If the President laughs, everyone laughs. If the Fox News table
laughs, a little girl just fell off her bike.
How are you doing, Bill? Yes, all the Washington news media are here tonight, including the
stars of online journalism. I did the Huffington post has a table. Which has me wondering,
if you are here, who is covering Miley Cyrus’s latest nip slip? Who is assembling today’s
top 25 yogurt related tweets? Seven mistakes your making with bacon, and
that’s a real one, and you should be ashamed our yourselves.
By the way, just before dinner, I tried to say a quick hello to Arianna Huffington, but
she made me watch a 32 second ad first. — 30-second ad first.
Yes, a lot of online stars in the room, but unfortunately Matt Drudge couldn’t make
it. Ya, he had a prior commitment to teach a web design class in 1997.
Of course, the Washington print media is also joining us this evening. The print media are
here for two very good reasons. food and shelter.
You know, how are you, you know, some people say print media is dying, but I don’t believe
it. Neither does my blacksmith. You have got to meet Zachariah, he is great. Man, rough
year for Newsweek, which after 80 years published its last print issue. Yeah. Time magazine
might be gloating, but they really shouldn’t, because Time will outlive Newsweek a way Juliett
outlived Romeo. Read the play, it is very smart.
Things are so tough for old media, Reuters – (this is a true story) Reuters is having
its after party right here at the Hilton. Because nothing says we are having a great
here like having your after party at the same table where you just had dinner. With that
in mind, Reuters is asking everyone here to leave a little wine at the bottom of the glass.
And to be fair, print media still has a big star in Bob Woodward. Got to give it up for
Bob Woodward. [applause] Earlier this evening,
a waiter asked him if he wanted regular or decaf and he said, Stop threatening me!
Also tonight, some big names in television news. When it comes to television news, we
have a divided landscape. Fox news is watched by conservatives, MSNBC watched by liberals
and CNN is watched by people who clean the offices at CNN. [laughter] [oohs] Oh, it gets
worst. CNN’s ratings are so low, now when it comes up, James Earl Jones says, you are
watching CNN? what the hell? I have to say, in the past two years, CNN has made some odd
moves. It replaced the — popular Larry King with one of the scheming footman from “Downton
Abbey.” it is good to see my old friends at MSNBC. Chris Matthews is here. Chris Matthews has the only show
where the commercial exists just so they can wipe the spittle off the lens. By the way,
during the Boston coverage on MSNBC last week, Chuck Todd stopped
a pundit from speculating on on fire side — unverified information. There is no joke
here. I’m just letting the people at CNN know that you can do that. This is a learning
experience.
Hello to Fox news star Bill O’Reilly, Bill has become quite the author. He’s had two
recent bestsellers, ” Killing Kennedy” and “killing Lincoln.” He also wrote a
book that wasn’t as nearly as popular – the Natural Peaceful Death of Taft. What were
you thinking.
The truth is Bill O’Reilly (and this is true) is now working on his next book, due
out this fall, this time about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time in history
Jesus’s death is blamed on Obamacare.
Two quick shout outs to PBS and NPR. PBS — yes! [applause] Those people love to party. Guys
if you get lucky tonight – Be safe, where a tote bag. It works. You have got to love
NPR. Still the number one source for news delivered as if there is a toddler sleeping
in the next room. Shh!
NBC NEWS is in the house. They have had a rough go of it. The Today Show let go of Ann
Curry. After being told that an curry said, how broker tells the world that he crafted
answer the White House and I am getting fired? Al is the reason there are no more tours of
the White House, they’re still hosing it down.
Brian Williams is here. Brian – I am a big fan of your show. Rock Center with Brian Williams
– If you haven’t seen it, imagine brand delivering the evening news on a different
floor of the building, a little later, with a slightly different tie. It is a mind blower.
You gotta check it out.
As I look all around the room, I see all the media here tonight, I realize this is one
big high school cafeteria. That is all it is. Think about it. Fox is the jocks. MSNBC
is the nerds. Bloggers are the Goths. NPR is the table for kids with peanut allergies.
[laughter] Al Jazeera is the weird foreign- exchange student nobody talks to. And print
media, you are the poor kid who died sophomore year in a car crash. Ya, cheer up, we dedicate
the yearbook to you.
Of course, probably the biggest or that people covered this past year was the Republicans
failure to recapture the White House. Hard to believe they did not fare better with this
port of celebrities like Ted Nugent and Meatloaf. They underestimated the number of voters who
still drive carpeted vans.
The republican party’s on the mend. One rising star on the right is Senator Marco
Rubio. Or as he is known in the republican party, our black guy. Ya.
By the way, as of today come in the U.S. Senate has a record number of African- american senators.
Two. Two. In other words, there are now more African-Americans in the senate and in a Mumford
and Sons concert. Thank you, younger people.
Paul Ryan — I don’t understand! What’s he babbling about? Who is this man? Paul Ryan
recently — he really burst through when he ran or Vice President. After the election,
Ryan said President Obama was reelected because of the high turnout of urban voters. When
he was asked how he liked his coffee he said, no milk, no sugar, just urban.
Well there is RNC chairman writes previous — Reince Priebus. Tonight he is sitting
between his brothers lather and repeat.
House majority leader Eric Cantor is here. Or as I like to refer to him, yet another
Jewish Republican from the south — Get sold.
That also reminds me also joining us a Congressman from New York named Steve Israel. He is from
New York and his name is Israel. Now, there is pandering, and then there is pandering.
That is like having a Congressman from South Carolina named Jesus H.Gun – my name is