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-Welcome to "Late Night."
Hope your families are safe and healthy, and more importantly
that they've stopped checking in on you every day.
"How are things where you are?"
"The same as they were an hour ago, Mom, but I love you."
Let's get to the news.
President Trump did not wear a face mask while touring
a factory in Arizona yesterday that is producing face masks,
which is still not as bad as what happened
when he toured that pants factory.
Can't believe we made someone
produce that graphic during a pandemic. How dare we.
President Trump was interviewed yesterday
by ABC News anchor David Muir, and he was pretty nice
until Tucker Carlson happened to walk by.
"You told me you were working late, and I believed you.
God, I'm such a fool."
Probably made this face, right?
In that interview, President Trump said
that as states relax stay-at-home orders
during the coronavirus pandemic, there may be more death
because "You won't be locked into an apartment
or a house or whatever it is."
I know he's out of touch,
but is it possible he doesn't even know what people live in?
"I think they make nests out of mud or something.
I could ask them, but I don't really want to interact."
Former New Jersey governor Chris Christie said on Monday
that the country needs to reopen despite projections
that show the coronavirus pandemic is not over,
which is surprising coming from a guy
who usually wants to keep the beaches closed for himself.
President Trump met with the governor of Iowa today.
Said Trump, "I know a lot about Iowa.
In fact, I-owe-a lot of contractors a lot of money."
That was Brian Donaldson writing a really dumb joke
that I'll admit I liked.
Look, what am I going to say? Dumb is not a criticism of it.
I love it for its dumbness.
The NASA administrator announced on Twitter yesterday
that the space agency will be partnering with actor Tom Cruise
to film a movie in space.
The weird thing is it's a sequel to "Jerry Maguire."
"Show me the moon."
Authority--
They might be getting dumber as we go.
Authorities in Louisiana are looking for
an aggressive chicken that has chased customers at a local bank
and attempted to climb cars in the drive-through.
Authorities advised anyone that sees the chicken to take a video
because they're bored as hell and they would like to see that.
Oh, this is -- Mike Scollins wrote the dumbest joke.
And I'm going to do the dumbest joke now.
It's National Pet Week, though if pet week --
[ Laughs ]
Sorry.
It's National Pet Week,
though if pet weak, maybe pet just hungry.
[ Laughs ]
So for no reason -- So for no reason,
I now talk like the Hulk for that stupid Mike Scollins joke.
And finally -- [ Laughs ]
And finally, Starbucks announced yesterday that it plans
to have 85% of the U.S. locations --
Sorry, I screwed -- I'm still on a pet week high.
Okay. Here we go.
And finally, Starbucks announced yesterday that it plans to have
85% of its U.S. locations open by the end of the week
before everyone remembers
you can just make coffee at home for nine cents.
Look, it came off the rails, but it still counts as a monologue.
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President Trump Didn’t Wear a Face Mask While Touring a Face Mask Factory

2 Folder Collection
林宜悉 published on May 14, 2020
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