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  • HEY EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL.

  • LET'S TALK WITH A FRIEND OF OURS WHO ALWAYS MAKES US FEELS

  • BETTER, MR. JON BATISTE.

  • JON, HOW ARE YOU FEELING TONIGHT?

  • >> I'M DOING REAL GOOD.

  • HOW ARE YOU FEELING.

  • >> Stephen: I'M DOING GOOD.

  • TELL ME ABOUT YOUR JACKET SPP IS THAT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL JACKET.

  • >> Jon: THIS IS MY HIGH SCHOOL JACKET.

  • I LOVE REPRESENTING EYE REMEMBER THOSE TIMES FONDLY.

  • >> Stephen: YOU PLAYED BASKETBALL FOR SAINT AGUSTIN,

  • RIGHT?

  • >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.

  • I PLAYED BASKETBALL, AND WE ACTUALLY WON-- I ALWAYS LIKE TO

  • SAY THIS AND I'M GOING TO KEEP SAYING IT FOREVER-- WE WON THE

  • NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP, A.A.U.

  • CHAMPIONS.

  • >> Stephen: JON BATISTE GOOD TO SO YOU.

  • >> Jon: YES, SIR.

  • GOOD TO SEE YOU, SIR, MUCH LOVE.

  • >> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN HERE PAINSTAKINGLY

  • SOURCING THE MOST FINELY ENGINEERED NEWS PARTS TO

  • ASSEMBLE THE STATE-OF-THE-ART, GRAND PRIX-WINNING F-1 SUPERCAR

  • THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SCAVENGE THE TOPICAL JUNKYARD FOR SCRAP

  • METAL, USED AIRBAGS, AND A STRUCTURALLY UNSOUND CHASSIS,

  • SLAP IT ALL TOGETHER WITH DUCT TAPE, THEN CAREEN DOWN

  • "BREAKNECK HILL" IN THE RAMSHACKLE SOAP BOX JALOPY OF

  • NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT...

  • >> QUARANTINE-WHILE!

  • >> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE.

  • CORONAVIRUS HAS PROMPTED THE MICHIGAN HEALTH DEPARTMENT TO

  • LAUNCH A FREE CONDOM DELIVERY SERVICE.

  • A CRITICAL SERVICE DURING A PANDEMIC QUARANTINE.

  • I'VE ALWAYS SAID, "CONDOMS ARE THE FAY MASK OF THE PENIS."

  • AND COVID IS IMPACTING THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY.

  • THE MAKER OF DUREX CONDOMS SAID THAT THE QUARANTINE

  • WAS "HAVING A TOLL ON THE NUMBER OF INTIMATE OCCASIONS."

  • YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WILL HAVE A TOLL ON INTIMATE OCCASIONS?

  • CALLING THEM "INTIMATE OCCASIONS?"

  • "HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY HEAD BACK TO MY PLACE AND HAVE AN INTIMATE

  • OCCASION?

  • NO?

  • HOW ABOUT A FORNICATION OCCURRENCE?

  • NO?

  • A BODY FLUID CONFERENCE?

  • WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" "INTIMATE OCCASIONS" IS NOT WHAT

  • NORMAL HUMANS CALL SEX.

  • IT'S THE NAME OF A STRIPPER'S PERFUME.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, "JUDI DENCH SAYS HER 'CATS' COSTUME WAS LIKE

  • 'FIVE FOXES (BLEEP) ON MY BACK.'"

  • AND WATCHING "CATS" IS LIKE FIVE DOGS HUMPING YOUR BRAIN.

  • ALTHOUGH "FIVE FOXES (BLEEP) ON MY BACK" IS MY FAVORITE DR.

  • SEUSS BOOK.

  • "I DO NOT LIKE THEM ON MY BACK.

  • I DO NOT LIKE THEM NEAR MY CRACK."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN LOCKDOWN BEAUTY REGIMEN NEWS, KESHA IS

  • TREATING HERSELF TO BUTT MASKS DURING QUARANTINE."

  • AS LONG AS THEY'RE NOT N95 BUTT MASKS.

  • WE NEED THOSE FOR THE DOCTORS' BUTTS.

  • KESHA'S TUSH TREATMENT IS A "BUTT SHEET MASK, FORMULATED

  • WITH CITRUS TO BRIGHTEN AND REJUVENATE.

  • IT HELPS REDUCE THE APPEARANCE OF BLEMISHES AND ALLEVIATE

  • DULLNESS, LEAVING YOUR SKIN PLUMP, HYDRATED, AND RADIANT

  • LOOKING."

  • LOOK, I WANT TO GO ON THE RECORD AND SAY I KNOW A LOT OF PRESSURE

  • ABOUT THEIR BODIES ON WOMEN IS FROM MEN.

  • BUT I PROMISE, THIS ONE'S NOT COMING FROM US.

  • NO MAN IS SAYING "I THINK I GOTTA BREAK UP WITH SARAH.

  • I KNOW SHE'S CRAZY HOT, BUT HER BUTT SKIN IS DULL.

  • THERE'S JUST NO BRIGHT CITRUS TO IT.

  • ALL I WANT IS A GIRL WHOSE ASS HAS ENOUGH REFLECTIVITY TO

  • CAPTURE DEEP FIELD PHOTOS OF ANCIENT GALAXIES."

  • AND THE BUTT SHEETS AREN'T EASY TO APPLY.

  • AS KESHA EXPLAINS, "IT HELPS HAVING SOMEONE PUT IT ON YOUR

  • BUTT, SO THAT'S ANOTHER PERK OF BEING QUARANTINED WITH MY

  • BOYFRIEND."

  • WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON WHO YOU ASK.

  • FOR INSTANCE, THE BOYFRIEND.

  • "SORRY, GUYS.

  • MONDAY'S NO GOOD FOR OUR "CALL OF DUTY" TOURNAMENT.

  • I GOTTA GLADWRAP MY LADY'S CABOOSE.

  • I'M BEING TOLD IT'S A PERK."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, AFTER BEING DEEMED "NONESSENTIAL" AND SHUT

  • DOWN DURING THE LOCKDOWN, THE "LUCKY DEVIL LOUNGE" IN OREGON

  • HAS NOW CONVERTED TO A DRIVE-THRU STRIP CLUB.

  • FINALLY, A WAY TO COMBINE THE SADNESS OF GOING TO A STRIP CLUB

  • WITH THE SADNESS OF EATING IN YOUR CAR.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, AS PART OF A NEW PILOT PROGRAM, THIS WEEK "A

  • ROBOT DOG IS PATROLLING SINGAPORE PARKS TO ENCOURAGE

  • SOCIAL DISTANCING AMID THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC."

  • ROBOT DOG ENFORCEMENT.

  • THAT MUST BE SO COOL!

  • I THINK WE HAVE FOOTAGE.

  • DONT WOE, JIM?

  • WHOOPS, SORRY.

  • THAT WAS FROM AN EPISODE OF "BLACK MIRROR."

  • I'M SURE THE REAL ROBO-DOG LOOKS AND FEELS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

  • LIKE THAT ROBOT WHATSOEV-- AAAND, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.

  • AT LEAST THIS ONE'S A JAUNTY YELLOW!

  • I GOTTA SAY, PEOPLE WOULD BE A LOT MORE RECEPTIVE IF THE DOG

  • WAS CUTER, CUDDLIER, AND LESS DYSTOPIAN.

  • THAT'S WHY I HAVE DESIGNED MY OWN PILOT PROGRAM: THE BENNY-BOT

  • 9000.

  • COME HERE, BENNY.

  • BENNY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

  • HE WAS LICKING THE PLATE.

  • YOU MISSED YOUR CUE.

  • LICKING THE PLATE.

  • HERE'S THE BENNY BOT.

  • BENNY IS READY TO BE DEPLOYED IN PUBLIC PARKS WHERE HE WILL

  • SPREAD HIS MESSAGE OF SAFETY, THEN EAT YOUR PICNIC, STEAL YOUR

  • SHOES, AND BITE YOUR THIGHS.

  • YOU'RE WELCOME.

  • WHO'S A PUBLIC HEALTH AMBASSADOR?

  • YOU ARE!

  • YES, YOU ARE!

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRISTINE BARANSKI.

  • UP TO THE MEET CHRISTINE BARANSKI?

  • SHE'S A NATIONAL TREASURE, YES, SHE IS!

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

HEY EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."

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