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  • -Welcome back to "Late Night," everybody.

  • It's been two months since we

  • first left the studio

  • and we have heard some of your criticisms

  • about our attic shows.

  • I want you to know that we are taking it to heart.

  • So, as of today, there will be no more reference to the copy

  • of "The Thorn Birds" that is on my side table.

  • Just gonna be there, but I'm not gonna talk about it.

  • And the number of books is certainly

  • not gonna change throughout the segment.

  • Also, I will no longer be mentioning

  • the wasps in my attic, but that's only because

  • we caught the last two wasps this morning

  • and we have trapped them in that door behind me.

  • Now, those are two real wasps

  • and not my sons dressed in homemade wasp costumes,

  • who are gonna bust out when this segment is over,

  • so, if you're stickin' around

  • for that kind of adorable content,

  • you're wasting your time because it is not gonna happen.

  • Two real wasps, not -- I repeat, not --

  • my two boys in wasp costumes

  • that I basically spent the entire weekend makin'

  • because I have lost my mind.

  • Speaking of lost minds, segue, the president is

  • reeling off fantasies about the coronavirus just going away

  • after two West Wing aides tested positive

  • and unemployment soared to its highest level

  • since the Great Depression. But don't worry --

  • he's also trying to distract from the pandemic

  • by obsessing over the Russia investigation.

  • For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."

  • [ Suspenseful theme plays ]

  • It's rarely the case that someone

  • as erratic as Donald Trump is able to boil

  • all the venality, corruption, and sociopathic incompetence

  • of his presidency down into a single tweet,

  • and, yet, over the weekend, he came pretty close,

  • although, in fairness, he had lots of chances,

  • given that, on Sunday, alone,

  • he posted 126 tweets and retweets,

  • including over 50 messages before 8:30 am.

  • Sounds like it was a great Mother's Day.

  • What did he have for breakfast,

  • pancakes covered in Adderall and 10,000 Diet Cokes?

  • [ As Trump ] Just like Mom used to make.

  • The president should not have enough time to tweet that much,

  • even on a normal day, let alone during a crisis

  • as nightmarish as this one.

  • It's not reassuring. It's like

  • scrolling through your phone on a flight

  • that's going through turbulence

  • and seeing your pilot dancing on TikTok.

  • On Sunday, alone, Trump lashed out

  • at everyone from the media to celebrities, to Democrats;

  • retweeted random conspiracy theorists;

  • and tried to fabricate

  • a totally made-up scandal called Obamagate.

  • Even for Trump, this was an especially

  • demented weekend on Twitter, and that's saying a lot,

  • for a guy whose tweets, generally speaking,

  • would make more sense written backwards

  • on the door of a hotel room, "Shining"-style.

  • And, as the U.S. death toll from the coronavirus climbed

  • to nearly 80,000,

  • with unemployment at its worst since the Great Depression,

  • Trump chose to take time out of his day

  • to tweet about his own golf club

  • and use it as an excuse to both advertise his personal business

  • and parrot his message that the economy is ready to reopen.

  • Trump's golf course in L.A. announced

  • that they were reopening with a tweet that said,

  • "Game on!

  • We are thrilled to announce the reopening

  • of @trumpgolfla beginning Saturday May 9th!

  • We look forward to welcoming you back

  • Book your tee time now!"

  • And then, Trump retweeted it and wrote,

  • So great to see our Country starting to open up again!"

  • Cool. I'm sure the 20 million Americans

  • who lost their job in April are stoked to hit the links.

  • "Honey, good news -- the unemployment check came.

  • Now, I can afford to play

  • three and a half holes at Trump's golf course."

  • So, Trump actually found a way to use a pandemic

  • to advertise his luxury golf resort.

  • Reminds me of that time during the Great Depression

  • when FDR advertised his bindle-making business.

  • [ as FDR ] Are you a hobo looking for a sack

  • to carry your can of beans

  • as you ride the rails in search of work?

  • Well, come on down to FDR's House of Bindles.

  • The only thing we have to fear is

  • these crazy-low prices.

  • No research went into figuring out if he sounds like that.

  • Anywhere between 1,000 and 2,000 Americans

  • are dying every day from the coronavirus

  • and, yet, rather than confront that reality,

  • Trump is doing the only thing he knows,

  • and that's lying his way through it.

  • He's trying to dead-eye mind-trick Americans

  • into thinking coronavirus will simply go away.

  • On Friday, he told reporters that the coronavirus

  • would soon disappear, even without a vaccine.

  • -This is gonna go away without a vaccine.

  • It's gonna go away and it's -- we're not gonna see it again,

  • hopefully, after a period of time.

  • You may have some -- some flare-ups and,

  • I guess, you know, I would expect that.

  • Sometime in the fall, you'll have flare-ups, maybe.

  • Maybe not, but, according to what a lotta people say,

  • you probably will.

  • We'll be able to put them out.

  • You may have some flare-ups next year,

  • but, eventually, it's gonna be gone.

  • It's gonna be gone. You know, there are

  • some viruses and flus that came and they went for a vaccine.

  • They never found the vaccine and they disappeared.

  • They've never shown up again,

  • They die, too, like everything else.

  • They die, too.

  • -Holy [bleep]

  • Your strategy for dealing with coronavirus is,

  • "Eventually, everything dies"?

  • Are you responding to a pandemic

  • or narrating a Werner Herzog movie?

  • [ as Herzog ] Time is nature's

  • cruelest weapon.

  • Ze clock is an assassin

  • silently stalking us to ze grave

  • with his sinister laugh --

  • tick-tock, tick-tock.

  • I guarantee you Werner is crushing stay-at-home.

  • No one thinks coronavirus will just go away,

  • let alone without a vaccine.

  • You already tried this bull[bleep]

  • before this pandemic started

  • and it didn't work back then, either.

  • -The virus.

  • They're working hard.

  • Looks like, by April, you know, in theory,

  • when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away.

  • [ Chuckling ] I hope that's true.

  • Now, the virus

  • that we're talkin' about having to do,

  • you know, a lotta people think that goes away in April

  • with the heat, as the heat comes in.

  • Typically, that will go away in April.

  • -Nailed it again, Dr. Science!

  • Not only is the virus still here,

  • it didn't even get warm yet.

  • On that note, [bleep] off, April.

  • What was that?!

  • This year of all years.

  • Who told you coronavirus goes away in April?

  • Are you confusing it with March Madness?

  • [ As Trump ] The madness spreads to basketball courts

  • and college campuses across the country,

  • but don't worry. It goes away in April,

  • when either Duke or Villanova beats it.

  • Trump is selling yet another unhinged fantasy

  • to try to coax people out of their homes

  • and back into the economy

  • after two West Wing aides tested for coronavirus

  • and The Washington Post reported

  • that all White House staffers received a memo

  • from the White House Management Office on Friday

  • which encouraged employees to practice maximum telework

  • and to work remotely, if at all possible.

  • Well, that's easy for Trump,

  • since he's already spent the last three years teleworking

  • from his home office

  • on the 18th green at Mar-a-Lago.

  • Every time you see him in the Oval Office,

  • that's just his Zoom background.

  • Think about that -- the president is telling people

  • to get back into the workforce,

  • while his own White House tells employees to stay home.

  • One day, he's gonna call a press conference

  • to reassure us that murder hornets are fake news,

  • while a dozen of them carry him back to their nest.

  • [ Buzzing ] "You live with us now, Donald."

  • And don't let mention of the murder hornets

  • get you to thinkin' that my kids are in that door back there,

  • dressed like wasps, 'cause they're not,

  • and they're not gonna just barge out at the end

  • of this "Closer" -- I'll prove it.

  • I'll prove they're not there. Who wants ice cream?

  • They're not there, guys. They're not there.

  • And, by the way, you'll never guess

  • how Trump reacted to the news

  • that one of his staffers had tested positive

  • for the virus he failed to contain.

  • After learning that one of his valets was infected,

  • Trump became lava-level mad at his staff

  • and said he doesn't feel it's doing all it can to protect him.

  • First of all, look at 'im. He's always

  • lava-level something.

  • If he's not lava-level mad, he's lava-level happy,

  • or, more often than not, lava-level indifferent.

  • Second, Trump is actually upset

  • that the people who are supposed to protect him

  • are doing a good job.

  • Oh, the irony.

  • If we were living in a story or a fable,

  • this would be the moment where the mean old miser

  • finally has a change of heart and throws money at some kid

  • to go buy a goose [ Laughing ] for the festival or something.

  • But this is Donald Trump.

  • There's no change of heart.

  • There's no learning curve.

  • If this was a Choose Your Own Adventure story,

  • the bottom of every page would say,

  • "Unh, just -- just go to the next page."

  • The president is just profoundly incapable

  • of thinking about anyone other than himself.

  • That much has been clear from day one of this crisis

  • and it was on full display when he called in

  • for his latest teletherapy session

  • with the Fox & Friends on Friday.

  • This was the day the government announced

  • truly catastrophic unemployment numbers

  • and the coronavirus death toll climbed toward 80,000

  • and, yet, the president rambled for 20 minutes

  • about God knows what before he even talked about coronavirus,

  • and that was only because

  • the Fox & Friends finally asked him about it.

  • -Mr. President, good morning to ya.

  • -Good morning. -Hi, Steve.

  • They know it was just a total hoax.

  • It was a made-up story, a disgrace to our nation.

  • These are dirty politicians and -- and dirty cops.

  • So, Schiff is a crooked politician, crooked as can be,

  • probably one of the worst I've ever seen.

  • I've seen some beauties.

  • It was like they just sat there.

  • They sat in an office.

  • "Hello. Goodbye."

  • That would be a meeting.

  • "Hello. Goodbye."

  • You look at Mueller, that was purely corrupt.

  • And can you imagine, with all the corruption

  • having to do with Mueller,

  • you don't have Clapper; and Brennan, who's sleaze;

  • and a guy like Comey,

  • who's a sick man. -Right.

  • I mean, Comey's a sick man.

  • He's just a stupid guy. -Well --

  • -He's dumb as a rock and he's a sick guy.

  • There's something wrong with him.

  • We've rebuilt our military.

  • This is not what they love to hear.

  • Jeff Sessions was a disaster.

  • Well, Kislyak had dinner with Nancy Pelosi and Schumer,

  • all these guys, they all,

  • everybody in Washington knew Kislyak.

  • But I learned a lot from Richard Nixon --