It's been two months since we

first left the studio

and we have heard some of your criticisms

about our attic shows.

I want you to know that we are taking it to heart.

So, as of today, there will be no more reference to the copy

of "The Thorn Birds" that is on my side table.

Just gonna be there, but I'm not gonna talk about it.

And the number of books is certainly

not gonna change throughout the segment.

Also, I will no longer be mentioning

the wasps in my attic, but that's only because

we caught the last two wasps this morning

and we have trapped them in that door behind me.

Now, those are two real wasps

and not my sons dressed in homemade wasp costumes,

who are gonna bust out when this segment is over,

so, if you're stickin' around

for that kind of adorable content,

you're wasting your time because it is not gonna happen.

Two real wasps, not -- I repeat, not --

my two boys in wasp costumes

that I basically spent the entire weekend makin'

because I have lost my mind.

Speaking of lost minds, segue, the president is

reeling off fantasies about the coronavirus just going away

after two West Wing aides tested positive

and unemployment soared to its highest level

since the Great Depression. But don't worry --

he's also trying to distract from the pandemic

by obsessing over the Russia investigation.

For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."

[ Suspenseful theme plays ]

It's rarely the case that someone

as erratic as Donald Trump is able to boil

all the venality, corruption, and sociopathic incompetence

of his presidency down into a single tweet,

and, yet, over the weekend, he came pretty close,

although, in fairness, he had lots of chances,

given that, on Sunday, alone,

he posted 126 tweets and retweets,

including over 50 messages before 8:30 am.

Sounds like it was a great Mother's Day.

What did he have for breakfast,

pancakes covered in Adderall and 10,000 Diet Cokes?

[ As Trump ] Just like Mom used to make.

The president should not have enough time to tweet that much,

even on a normal day, let alone during a crisis

as nightmarish as this one.

It's not reassuring. It's like

scrolling through your phone on a flight

that's going through turbulence

and seeing your pilot dancing on TikTok.

On Sunday, alone, Trump lashed out

at everyone from the media to celebrities, to Democrats;

retweeted random conspiracy theorists;

and tried to fabricate

a totally made-up scandal called Obamagate.

Even for Trump, this was an especially

demented weekend on Twitter, and that's saying a lot,

for a guy whose tweets, generally speaking,

would make more sense written backwards

on the door of a hotel room, "Shining"-style.

And, as the U.S. death toll from the coronavirus climbed

to nearly 80,000,

with unemployment at its worst since the Great Depression,

Trump chose to take time out of his day

to tweet about his own golf club

and use it as an excuse to both advertise his personal business

and parrot his message that the economy is ready to reopen.

Trump's golf course in L.A. announced

that they were reopening with a tweet that said,

"Game on!

We are thrilled to announce the reopening

of @trumpgolfla beginning Saturday May 9th!

We look forward to welcoming you back

Book your tee time now!"

And then, Trump retweeted it and wrote,

So great to see our Country starting to open up again!"

Cool. I'm sure the 20 million Americans

who lost their job in April are stoked to hit the links.

"Honey, good news -- the unemployment check came.

Now, I can afford to play

three and a half holes at Trump's golf course."

So, Trump actually found a way to use a pandemic

to advertise his luxury golf resort.

Reminds me of that time during the Great Depression

when FDR advertised his bindle-making business.

[ as FDR ] Are you a hobo looking for a sack

to carry your can of beans

as you ride the rails in search of work?

Well, come on down to FDR's House of Bindles.

The only thing we have to fear is

these crazy-low prices.

No research went into figuring out if he sounds like that.

Anywhere between 1,000 and 2,000 Americans

are dying every day from the coronavirus

and, yet, rather than confront that reality,

Trump is doing the only thing he knows,

and that's lying his way through it.

He's trying to dead-eye mind-trick Americans

into thinking coronavirus will simply go away.

On Friday, he told reporters that the coronavirus

would soon disappear, even without a vaccine.

-This is gonna go away without a vaccine.

It's gonna go away and it's -- we're not gonna see it again,

hopefully, after a period of time.

You may have some -- some flare-ups and,

I guess, you know, I would expect that.

Sometime in the fall, you'll have flare-ups, maybe.

Maybe not, but, according to what a lotta people say,

you probably will.

We'll be able to put them out.

You may have some flare-ups next year,

but, eventually, it's gonna be gone.

It's gonna be gone. You know, there are

some viruses and flus that came and they went for a vaccine.

They never found the vaccine and they disappeared.

They've never shown up again,

They die, too, like everything else.

They die, too.

-Holy [bleep]

Your strategy for dealing with coronavirus is,

"Eventually, everything dies"?

Are you responding to a pandemic

or narrating a Werner Herzog movie?

[ as Herzog ] Time is nature's

cruelest weapon.

Ze clock is an assassin

silently stalking us to ze grave

with his sinister laugh --

tick-tock, tick-tock.

I guarantee you Werner is crushing stay-at-home.

No one thinks coronavirus will just go away,

let alone without a vaccine.

You already tried this bull[bleep]

before this pandemic started

and it didn't work back then, either.

-The virus.

They're working hard.

Looks like, by April, you know, in theory,

when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away.

[ Chuckling ] I hope that's true.

Now, the virus

that we're talkin' about having to do,

you know, a lotta people think that goes away in April

with the heat, as the heat comes in.

Typically, that will go away in April.

-Nailed it again, Dr. Science!

Not only is the virus still here,

it didn't even get warm yet.

On that note, [bleep] off, April.

What was that?!

This year of all years.

Who told you coronavirus goes away in April?

Are you confusing it with March Madness?

[ As Trump ] The madness spreads to basketball courts

and college campuses across the country,

but don't worry. It goes away in April,

when either Duke or Villanova beats it.

Trump is selling yet another unhinged fantasy

to try to coax people out of their homes

and back into the economy

after two West Wing aides tested for coronavirus

and The Washington Post reported

that all White House staffers received a memo

from the White House Management Office on Friday

which encouraged employees to practice maximum telework

and to work remotely, if at all possible.

Well, that's easy for Trump,

since he's already spent the last three years teleworking

from his home office

on the 18th green at Mar-a-Lago.

Every time you see him in the Oval Office,

that's just his Zoom background.

Think about that -- the president is telling people

to get back into the workforce,

while his own White House tells employees to stay home.

One day, he's gonna call a press conference

to reassure us that murder hornets are fake news,

while a dozen of them carry him back to their nest.

[ Buzzing ] "You live with us now, Donald."

And don't let mention of the murder hornets

get you to thinkin' that my kids are in that door back there,

dressed like wasps, 'cause they're not,

and they're not gonna just barge out at the end

of this "Closer" -- I'll prove it.

I'll prove they're not there. Who wants ice cream?

They're not there, guys. They're not there.

And, by the way, you'll never guess

how Trump reacted to the news

that one of his staffers had tested positive

for the virus he failed to contain.

After learning that one of his valets was infected,

Trump became lava-level mad at his staff

and said he doesn't feel it's doing all it can to protect him.

First of all, look at 'im. He's always

lava-level something.

If he's not lava-level mad, he's lava-level happy,

or, more often than not, lava-level indifferent.

Second, Trump is actually upset

that the people who are supposed to protect him

are doing a good job.

Oh, the irony.

If we were living in a story or a fable,

this would be the moment where the mean old miser

finally has a change of heart and throws money at some kid

to go buy a goose [ Laughing ] for the festival or something.

But this is Donald Trump.

There's no change of heart.

There's no learning curve.

If this was a Choose Your Own Adventure story,

the bottom of every page would say,

"Unh, just -- just go to the next page."

The president is just profoundly incapable

of thinking about anyone other than himself.

That much has been clear from day one of this crisis

and it was on full display when he called in

for his latest teletherapy session

with the Fox & Friends on Friday.

This was the day the government announced

truly catastrophic unemployment numbers

and the coronavirus death toll climbed toward 80,000

and, yet, the president rambled for 20 minutes

about God knows what before he even talked about coronavirus,

and that was only because

the Fox & Friends finally asked him about it.

-Mr. President, good morning to ya.

-Good morning. -Hi, Steve.

They know it was just a total hoax.

It was a made-up story, a disgrace to our nation.

These are dirty politicians and -- and dirty cops.

So, Schiff is a crooked politician, crooked as can be,

probably one of the worst I've ever seen.

I've seen some beauties.

It was like they just sat there.

They sat in an office.

"Hello. Goodbye."

That would be a meeting.

"Hello. Goodbye."

You look at Mueller, that was purely corrupt.

And can you imagine, with all the corruption

having to do with Mueller,

you don't have Clapper; and Brennan, who's sleaze;

and a guy like Comey,

who's a sick man. -Right.

I mean, Comey's a sick man.

He's just a stupid guy. -Well --

-He's dumb as a rock and he's a sick guy.

There's something wrong with him.

We've rebuilt our military.