Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles - Congratulations, Class of 2020. You are all now high school graduates! - Yeah! (upbeat techno music) (laughing) - Um, I have a really big house. My grandpa invented ranch dressing. - [Narrator] Every quarantine graduation ever! - Mary Everton. James Finkle. Peter Frankson. (whoops loudly) - Peter, you do realize that it's not illegal to be naked in your own home? - It Is gross, though. (woman shrieks) - Mom, I'm just graduating! Mom, I'm just -- get out! I'm just graduating! - [Narrator] Is "Pomp and Circumstance" on Spotify? - I waited eighteen years for this, Carl! To see my son proudly walk across the stage and accept his diploma. But now he's not even going to graduate?! - Whoa, Mom! I'm still graduating, they're just not doing the ceremony. Look, they already mailed me my diploma, so... (diploma slides on table) Oh, really? Yeah, this -- this is just a piece of paper! It doesn't mean anything! (sobs angrily) None of it counts unless I take a thousand photos of my baby boy and put them on Facebook! Even the blurry ones, Carl! Even the blurry ones! (sobs) - [Narrator] I'm stoked that I don't have to go anywhere. My last name begins with Z. - And now, I'd like to present your 2020 valedictorian, Shelby Chumber. Get it, Shelby! - Ooh! As I look through the crowd of all your faces on the Blandview High football field -- oh, sorry. Should've changed that. As I look through this webcam at all of you in your bedrooms, uh... in this Zoom chat... um, I'll just skip forward. I think back on so many memories. (chuckles) Grad Night! Nope. Um... Grad Chat. Um, prom! Prom. Prom Zoom. Skip forward a little more. Oh, okay, here we go. Tonight, as we attend our final high school parties... Damn it! Tonight as we attend our final... video chat. (beep)in' god. Good job, everyone! We did it. Not all of it! Some of it. Can I turn this off now? - [Narrator] It's okay, it's just a once in a lifetime celebration that I'll never get again! - Aw, nice! My diploma arrived! (envelope crinkles) "This is just a folder. "Your real diploma will arrive in eight months when you don't care anymore." Aw, man. Well, at least it gives me something to look forward to. ♪ There's nothing to look forward to ♪ ♪ When you can't leave home ♪ (sobbing cry) - [Narrator] Now I can play video games while graduating. It's the dream! - All right, and now the Class of 2020. Bryce Andep-- Amthe-- oh boy. Bryce Amdem-- wait a second. There's no one here to make fun of me for mispronouncing any names! All right! Bryce Amb-(gibberish) (buzzer) Jay-Eesa-Ka... Ta-hom-son. (buzzer) Lucas Andern-- Anerderson. (buzzer) Alice Nagooyen. (buzzer) Reeb'eka Smythe. (buzzer) I'll tell you what, Millennials name their kids weird. - [Narrator] What are we going to do for the senior prank? Dox the principal? - What'd your mom get you for your graduation present? - A car! - What are you gonna do with that? - I don't know, look at it from my window and pay for its insurance? What'd your mom get you? - Ugh, my mom got me the worst graduation trip ever. (scoffs) - I told her I want to go to Miami, but she took me to the living room instead. - Damn. - And she insisted on tagging along. - [Mother] I didn't mean to tag along, sweetheart! I just live here and I needed to do your laundry. (stammers) - You don't do your own laundry? - Big machines scare me! - Honestly, same. - I mean, if you think about it, it's basically just like... a (beep)ing rotating disaster that eats your clothes. - [Narrator] The graduation was fine, but the reception was terrible. (obnoxious chuckle) - All right, class, Grad Night is tonight, and normally I would remind you about the dangers of drinking and driving, since it isn't safe. But... since no one can go anywhere... Bottoms up! Sake bomb! (rock music) - [Narratpr] ♪ This year is so damn weird ♪ ♪ What the hell's going on? ♪ - Hey y'all, I'm very excited to be performing for your guys' Grad Night. So, what's the deal with principals? Always yelling at you like, "Don't run in the hallway!" - Boo! Say something funny! Why do they always hire some chump comedian for these? - You think this is easy, kid? You think doing comedy on a Zoom call is easy? No mic, no audience? Well guess what, it's not! If you think it's so easy, why don't you try it? - Yeah, Pete! Show him! (all exclaiming) - C'mon Pete, do it! - Okay, I will. Yo, what's the deal with the principal? Always being, like, "Stop running in the hallways!" (raucous laughter) - So, it's just me. They just hate me. - You got it, man. We don't like you. - [Narrator] I can't believe I have to miss out on sitting in a gymnasium full of people that I mostly hate. - Okay, we all have to stay on this call all night. - I bought a bunch of Red Bulls, so I'm all good! - Sweet, I'm loaded up on snacks. - Hey guys! Is it cool if I hang with you guys? All night, guys? - [Voiceover] Someone say no! We can't hang with Paulie, he's so weird! - [Voiceover] Why didn't anyone lock the room? - [Voiceover] Okay, Peter, it's up to you. You gotta drop the hammer. - Yeah, you can hang out with us! All night! - Awesome! I brought a bunch of dead squirrels I wanted to show you guys! I named them after you guys. After I killed them, so it's not weird. (spooky violin crescendoes) - [Narrator] I'm gonna have my own Grad Night, with hookers and blow! (groans incoherently) - Aw sick, dude, you're alive. - Oh, what happened? - Oh, you passed out after taking a shot and chugging a beer. It's midnight now. - You're still here? - Yeah! Yeah, I had nothing better to do. You (beep) yourself. A lot! It came out the bottom of your jeans. We thought you died for a little bit, but nobody called 9-1-1. (crickets) (beep) - Oh, really? You mean this? This is just a piece of -- why did I look at the camera? (beep) This is -- whoa! (beep) (hyperventilating) (beep) - Whoa! Whoa, Mom! I'm still graduating, they're just not having the ceremony. Look, I already got my diploma! (paper falls) Oh (beep). (beep) - Didn't anyone ever wonder why my name is Jessica Renee Hidden-Valley? (beep) - I swear I'm not doing these multiple takes just to drink as much as possible, okay? It's for good-- it's for good takes. (beep) Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh! (retches) (beep) But still, I guess, yeah, you can't drink still. So... more for me! (laughs boisterously) (beeps) - I didn't mean to tag along, Jess. I just live here, and I need to do your haundry. Haundry? (beep) - And they eat all my clothes. (sniffs) And my mom said that they'd give them back at the end, but they -- sometimes they don't. I've lost so many socks. (beep) - You (beep) yourself. A lot, man. It was, like -- you know when you're putting, like, chocolate cake batter, and you have it in the plastic wrap and you squeeze it out? That was, like, what it looked like at the bottom of your jeans. And it was just, like, squeezing out. Like, like, Play-Doh coming -- like, when you make Play-Doh spaghetti? That's what it was like, but it was out of all the holes of your jeans. Just poop, everywhere. Yeah, we were pretty sure you were dead, but we didn't wanna call 9-1-1, cause we figured, like, if you're already dead, we don't want to waste their time, you know? So... but hey, like, it's good that we didn't, cause you're clearly fine. I think. Like, you're not fine. Like, you clearly have problems, and you're clearly not doing well, and you're declining in life, and like, no one around you cares about you and you're very lonely and you're clearly not, like, mentally okay. Like, you know, like you're not happy. I mean, like -- like, you have -- You have all the mental resources and life resources to have a good life, but you clearly, consciously make bad decisions that have led to this point.