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-I've known my brother Josh all his life, but it wasn't
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until last week that we saw an uncanny resemblance
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to California Governor Gavin Newsom.
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So here it is again -- California resident Josh Meyers
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as the governor of California.
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-Good afternoon.
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Despite what you might have heard from places
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like Washington, D.C., Florida, or your cousin Doug,
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who is not a reliable source on facts,
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the coronavirus hasn't gone away.
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In California, we've bent the curve
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like a thick-necked bodybuilder on Venice Beach,
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but unfortunately the virus is still here.
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Just like Devin Nunes, who recently started podcasting
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from his house with his laptop perched on what appeared to be
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a Squatty Potty.
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How apropos.
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And, again, let me stress that, as a Gavin,
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it brings me no joy to attack a Devin.
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We're supposed to be natural allies.
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In fact, the Gavins and Devins
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were two of the founding clans of California.
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And it was a caveman Gavin who first uttered to a caveman Devin
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the now-famous California line --
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"'Sup, brah?"
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Moving on, the California weather
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continues to be absolutely stellar.
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And I know people are eager to go out, get their grub on,
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do some maxin', and also a good deal of relaxin'.
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But stay-at-home orders are still in effect.
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Some Californians continue to thumb their noses
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at these orders which are intended to save lives.
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But this virus is like the movie "Point Break."
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It's going to stand the test of time.
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And it's nothing like the remake of "Point Break"
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that came out in 2015
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without most people even noticing it was a thing.
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Now, I don't watch a lot of TV 'cause I'm the governor
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and I have more important things to do,
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but I've noticed that the President isn't the only one
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who's received national coverage of his daily press briefings.
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New York governor Andrew Cuomo
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has also become a ubiquitous presence on the boob tube.
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And I've been told many consider him "The Hot Governor."
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And don't get me wrong. He's a handsome man.
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But if you think he's The Hot Governor,
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all I have to say is, "Look."
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That's it. Just look.
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I'll give you a few seconds.
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I don't get it. Is it a time-zone thing?
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Because if you think he's hot...
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just wait three hours.
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Again, good-looking guy.
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But we're all wearing masks here, not blindfolds, right?
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But back to the matter at hand.
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In order to track potential coronavirus outbreaks,
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please be on the lookout for symptoms such as fever,
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sore throat, or loss of taste.
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An example of loss of taste
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would be thinking Andrew Cuomo is hotter than me.
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If you think that, even for a second,
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get yourself to the E.R.
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We are going to get through this.
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You know, back in the 1800s,
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Horace Greeley said, "Go west, young man. Go west."
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And sure enough, California's golden coastline
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was waiting for those brave souls
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willing to make the journey,
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and it'll still be here after this is all over.
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And to Devin Nunes,
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maybe you want to go just a little further west.
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Maybe walk into the Pacific and keep going.
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Destiny calls, bro-ham.
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All right. Stay safe. Stay home. Stay gold.
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Manamana.
