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  • tytr7855d-The New York Times published

  • an article over the weekend

  • about an invasive species

  • of venomous hornet

  • that has been discovered in the United States

  • called the Asian giant hornet,

  • which can grow up to two inches in length

  • and are commonly referred to as a "murder hornet."

  • Which brings us to a segment called "Not Now."

  • [ Suspenseful theme plays ]

  • ♪♪

  • Not now, murder hornets.

  • We're already terrified to go outside.

  • The last thing we need to worry about,

  • after a stressful afternoon

  • of dodging other people's breath at the grocery store

  • is getting murdered in our own driveway

  • by some nightmare insect,

  • while clutching the single roll of toilet paper

  • we bought for $20.

  • Just not now.

  • The only thing you're going to accomplish

  • is making a few members of Congress rich

  • when they announce that the insect panic is overblown

  • and then secretly shift their entire investment portfolio

  • into whatever company makes

  • Raid Super Spray Murder Hornet Strength.

  • Not now!

  • If we wanted giant winged beasts to terrify us from the sky,

  • we'd wait for the Blue Angels

  • to scream over New York again without warning.

  • Oh!

  • God, we do appreciate the tribute, it's just --

  • it's a lot.

  • Not now.

  • We're already battling a pandemic

  • and you're coming in as hot as some sort of double plague.

  • Murder and hornets?

  • I mean, give us a break.

  • Even in the Bible, it was just locusts,

  • not acid locusts.

  • Not now.

  • The only time I ever wanna see something

  • called a murder hornet

  • is if it's a Syfy original movie

  • starring Paris Hilton and Ian Ziering.

  • In that case, bring it on, because

  • I am completely out of things to watch.

  • I would watch that movie and then I would watch

  • the documentary about the making of that movie.

  • Also, not now, because we don't have the leadership in place

  • to defend ourselves against you.

  • Trump will just claim you're a hoax

  • cooked up by the Democrats

  • and deny that you even exist until you've carried

  • half the population of New York back to your hives.

  • Look, you deserve so much more than I can give you right now.

  • It's not you. It's me. I'm panicked out.

  • There's a deadly virus sweeping the nation,

  • the president isn't doing anything about it,

  • paramilitary LARPers are threatening our governors,

  • and we can't get a [bleep] jogger to put on a goddamn mask.

  • So, please, murder hornets,

  • unless your stingers are full of coronavirus vaccine,

  • not now.

  • This has been "Not Now."

  • ♪♪

tytr7855d-The New York Times published

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