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  • Hasan, here's how we're going to do this.

  • You and I will each take turns telling a story to our audience

  • about one topic. Okay? -Okay.

  • Tonight's topic is... [Drum roll]

  • ...embarrassing parents.

  • All right. Okay.

  • -Since you're my guest, I'm going to give you the honor

  • of watching me go first. [Laughter]

  • You can take your place over there by the --

  • -Okay. -I'll start off.

  • -Okay, here we go. -All right, go ahead.

  • All right. I have so many embarrassing parent stories.

  • I'm trying to think. I don't know which one to --

  • You picked the topic because I'm Indian, right?

  • No, I didn't know. [ Laughter ]

  • -Yeah, you did. -No, it was at random.

  • -No, I promise, no. -Okay, okay, okay.

  • Please, I'm Irish. I got some bad ones, too.

  • Yeah. What do we got? I mean, my mom's got so many.

  • I'll do -- I'll do my dad because I talked to him today.

  • So he reminded me of this story.

  • My dad was very -- We never had any luck with cars growing up.

  • We just never had a great car.

  • And I remember we finally did get a nice car.

  • It was a Cutlass Ciera.

  • That was the name of it. It even sounds fancy.

  • And I think it had, like, cloth seats,

  • which was a big deal for us.

  • 'Cause the seats would be vinyl

  • and just be too hot and everything.

  • Like, we just burn -- we'd burn our flesh and stuff.

  • [ Laughter ] But, no, this was like,

  • "Wow, luxury." And it was amazing.

  • And so one night, he was coming home from work.

  • And we used to wait out for the car and stuff like that

  • when my dad would come -- Me and my sister and my mom.

  • So the car was coming down the street and the horn was honking.

  • [ Imitates horn honking ]

  • And my mom was like, "oh, my God, kids, come out.

  • Let's greet -- Let's say hi to daddy outside.

  • I think he won the lottery. [ Laughter ]

  • I think we won the lottery."

  • And we're like "Oh, my gosh. What?"

  • And, like, she was almost crying.

  • We ran out to the driveway and the car is honking.

  • Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

  • And my dad gets out and slams the door,

  • and the car is still honking.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "The horn's broke." Didn't even look at us.

  • Just walked right past us and got a beer.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And then another thing happened to my dad's car.

  • He was -- He was trying to fix his car.

  • And he got a thing called, like, Gunk-Out or something

  • that you spray on the engine.

  • My dad does not know anything about cars.

  • He's from Brooklyn, New York. Barely knows how to drive a car.

  • But he's fixing his car in the driveway.

  • And he's spraying this thing. And he turns on the engine on.

  • And the car lights on fire. [ Laughter ]

  • So my dad's freaking out. He doesn't know what to do.

  • So he slams the hood closed.

  • And it's like flames growing out the sides.

  • And he's like, "Oh, maybe that was a mistake.

  • Maybe I should try to open it up again

  • to get the flames to go out. -Oh, no.

  • So he went and he popped the hood.

  • And then went around. It had one of those, like,

  • kind of locks in the front that it's really hard to open.

  • So he was burning his fingers. [ Laughter ]

  • And he couldn't open the hood. And he just came in.

  • He goes, "Kids, just get on the ground.

  • I think the car is going to blow up."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And we laid on the ground.

  • And my mom's, like, "We got to tell the neighbors."

  • 'Cause they had their kids. He was like --

  • And he yelled over to them. He's like, "Go inside.

  • My car is about to explode." [ Laughter ]

  • And the kids ran in. And people were screaming.

  • And we called the fire department.

  • And we were laying on the ground.

  • And then they came -- -But, you guys stayed?

  • -Oh, we stayed and just laid on the ground.

  • Like -- just hoping. [ Laughter ]

  • -They ran for it. Let them be safe.

  • -Oh, yeah. Our neighbors ran down the street.

  • Yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • And they put out the thing. And my dad's car was totaled.

  • He burnt -- Every wire was stripped.

  • And there was nothing on it.

  • And that was the last time we ever got a nice car.

  • There you go. That's my story.

  • [ Laughter, cheers, and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • -I got to go now? -Yeah, now it's your turn.

  • Okay. -All right.

  • Now send it up. -All right. So this like --

  • this is a competition? This is, like, a --

  • -Oh, maybe. -Is it?

  • -No I think it's more of a fun story telling thing. But --

  • -No, no, no. I just not --

  • I don't want participation points.

  • I want to win or lose it.

  • -Okay, all right, all right, all right.

  • [ Laughter ] Go for it.

  • -I got to -- Okay, okay. -Okay, okay, okay.

  • [Laughs]

  • Okay, I -- [ Laughs ]

  • Okay. I have -- I'm okay.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • No, I have to think about what are the repercussions

  • if I tell this, but who cares?

  • Let's just -- let's do this. All right.

  • [ Laughter ] So -- because I got to win.

  • So when I was in high school,

  • I told a lot of stories about growing up.

  • But -- I don't know if you guys know this,

  • but I wasn't very good at math or science.

  • I'm sorry.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I know. I've let our people down. But...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So I was failing Honors Chem.

  • And, so sometimes during lunch,

  • I would have lunch in Mr. Delucas' classroom.

  • You know, like all popular kids do.

  • [ Laughter ] And hang out.

  • Hang out with the teacher during lunch.

  • -Eating -- -So I'm in there during lunch.

  • Mr. Delucas is like, "Hey, I got to go to the bathroom.

  • Just give me a minute I'll be right back."

  • He leaves to go to the bathroom. I look at his desk.

  • And the homework solutions manual

  • is just sitting right there on the desk.

  • And it's just looking at me like the Sports Almanac

  • in "Back to the Future." Like, "I have all the answers.

  • [ Laughter ] Just pick me up."

  • And I was like, "He'll never guess that if I take this --

  • he won't even know it was me.

  • He's not going to guess that the Indian kid did it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So I take the solutions manual.

  • I put it in my backpack. I walk out of the class.

  • And I'm like, "Okay, this is wrong.

  • What you are doing is objectively wrong."

  • And I know -- like, I feel awful about it.

  • I have kids. I should not do this.

  • Cheating is wrong. But...

  • I've never felt more alive.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And I'm like,

  • "What if I go to Kinko's

  • and I just photocopy this, and I sell it to other kids?"

  • [ Laughter ] -Oh, gosh.

  • -And so I'm at Kinko's, and I just photocopy the book.

  • I come back to school. And I just start selling

  • the answer to the homework to other kids

  • for $5 a pop, which is a discount.

  • That's a discount. It's a great deal!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • All the answers for the entire year, five bucks?

  • And, eventually, someone snitched.

  • I don't know who it was. It was Michael Minichiello.

  • But I don't know who it was. [ Laughter ]

  • And I don't know. I just -- I don't know who it could be.

  • And Mr. Delucas calls me into his classroom.

  • And he sits me down. And is like,

  • "I know you're the kid who stole the solutions manual.

  • And, Hasan, what you have done --

  • you have violated my trust,

  • you've insulted the ethical standards of this school,

  • And I should expel you right now.

  • But I'm going to call your father instead."

  • And I was like, "Just expel me, please."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He puts my dad on speakerphone.

  • "Mr. Minhaj, come to Davis High School immediately.

  • I am waiting here with your son."

  • It was the longest 45 minutes

  • I've ever had to go through in my life.

  • I'm sitting there. There's just an empty chair, sweating.

  • I'm like, "I'm going to die."

  • My dad comes in. He sits down.

  • Mr. Delucas is like, "Your son is the criminal master mind

  • behind one of the biggest cheating scandals

  • at this school.

  • He has been selling the homework answers

  • to multiple students in his class."

  • And my dad, he looks at Mr. Delucas.

  • and he was like, "Mr. Delucas,

  • my son did not do this."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And I was like, "Wow. Like, pops, like, he trusts me.

  • [ Laughter ] He has my back."

  • -Wow.

  • And he's like, "Hasan is a coward.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He doesn't have the guts to pull this off."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And I did graduate.

  • And here I am. So -- [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, guys.

  • ♪♪

  • -Coward? -A coward.

  • Tough dad! That's hilarious.

  • That is how you do it right there, everybody.

  • Hasan Minhaj! [ Cheers and applause ]

Hasan, here's how we're going to do this.

Subtitles and vocabulary

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A2 US TheTonightShow laughter hasan honking coward beep

Storytime w/ Hasan Minhaj: Embarrassing Parents

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    Jade Weng posted on 2020/05/04
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