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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • JUST HEARING THE BAND DO THE THEME SONG IS STRANGELY MOVING.

  • I FORGOT HOW MUCH I MISSED HEARING THOSE GUYS!

  • IT'S HOW MANY DAYS?

  • HOW MANY DAYS HAVE WE BEEN DOING THIS?

  • 40 DAYS.

  • THIS IS THE 40th DAY THAT I HAVE BEEN QUARANTINED WITH MY

  • WIFE AND KIDS.

  • I FEEL LIKE NOAH, BUT I ONLY HAVE ONE DOG, AND HE'S ONLY

  • INTERESTED IN MY LEG.

  • WE ALL WANT HAIRCUTS AT THIS POINT.

  • I DID SOMETHING DRASTIC TONIGHT, I COMBED MY HAIR IN THE OTHER

  • DIRECTION JUST FOR A CHANGE OF PACE AND THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.

  • FIRST OF ALL, I'M GETTING A VERY P ATRICIAN FLOP OVER HERE.

  • THIS THE VERY MID-'70s JACKSON BROWN.

  • OVER HERE, THERE'S A LOT OF EMPTY REAL ESTATE I DIDN'T KNOW

  • WAS THERE.

  • THIS IS USUALLY COVERED BY THE COMBOVER.

  • WE SHOULD TALK TO THE NETWORK AND SELL AD SPACE THERE.

  • IT COULD SAY HONDA, MOUNTAIN DEW OR V.W.

  • WHO'S THE SPONSOR RIGHT NOW?

  • >> CLARITIN.

  • >> Stephen: STAY CLARITIN CLEAR!

  • BUT YOU'RE REALLY BEGINNING TO FEEL IT, NOW, IN WEEK SEVEN OF

  • THIS NATIONWIDE LOCKDOWN.

  • DON'T GET ME WRONG.

  • I WILL STAY INSIDE FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES.

  • I'M JUST SAYING, I DIDN'T KNOW I WOULD RUN OUT OF PATIENCE BEFORE

  • I RAN OUT OF TOILET PAPER.

  • ONE OF THE MOST FRUSTRATING ASPECTS OF THIS WHOLE LOCKDOWN

  • IS THAT THERE ISN'T ONE CONSISTENT MESSAGE FROM OUR

  • LEADERSHIP.

  • HOW COME I'M STILL GROUNDED AND GEORGIA GETS TO GO OUT AND PLAY?

  • IT'S NOT FAIR!

  • WE BOTH MADE THE MISTAKE OF BEING MORTAL!

  • I'M SORRY!

  • ALSO, IT WOULD BE EASIER TO AGREE ON WHAT TO DO IF WE ALL

  • KNEW HOW LONG WE WERE SUPPOSED TO DO IT.

  • ON FRIDAY, WE GOT WHAT APPEARED TO BE GOOD NEWS FROM VICE

  • PRESIDENT PENCE: >> IF YOU LOOK AT THE TRENDS

  • TODAY THAT-- I THINK BY MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND WE WILL LARGELY HAVE

  • THIS CORONAVIRUS EPIDEMIC BEHIND US.

  • >> STEPHEN: GREAT.

  • MEMORIAL DAY.

  • PUT AWAY THE N-95 MASKS, BREAK OUT THE N-95 BIKINIS.

  • BUT YESTERDAY, THAT IDEA GOT SHOT DOWN BY DR. DEBORAH BIRX:

  • >> SOCIAL DISTANCING WILL BE WITH US THROUGH THE SUMMER.

  • >> STEPHEN: OF COURSE, SHE'S GOING TO SAY THAT.

  • SHE'S ALWAYS DRESSED FOR FALL.

  • THE QUARANTINES IS DRIVING EVERYONE A LITTLE CRAZY, EXCEPT

  • DONALD TRUMP.

  • IT'S DRIVING HIM A LOT CRAZY.

  • TAKE THURSDAY'S PRESS BRIEFING.

  • AFTER AN EXPERT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY

  • TOLD THE MEDIA THAT DISINFECTANTS AND SUNLIGHT WERE

  • VERY EFFECTIVE AGAINST THE VIRUS ON SURFACES, TRUMP FLOATED THIS

  • POSSIBLE COVID CURE: >> I SEE THE DISINFECTANT, WHERE

  • IT KNOCKS IT OUT IN A MINUTE.

  • ONE MINUTE.

  • AND IS THERE A WAY WE CAN DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT, BY

  • INJECTION INSIDE OR-- OR ALMOST A CLEANING.

  • BECAUSE YOU SEE IT GETS IN THE LUNGS, AND IT DOES A TREMENDOUS

  • NUMBER ON THE LUNGS.

  • SO IT WOULD BE INTERESTING TO CHECK THAT.

  • >> STEPHEN: HE'S SUGGESTING INJECTING BLEACH TO FIGHT

  • CORONAVIRUS.

  • IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT HIS SUPPORTERS ARE ALL WHITE ON THE

  • OUTSIDE.

  • OBVIOUSLY, NO ONE SHOULD DO THAT.

  • SO, THIS WEEKEND, PEOPLE DID IT.

  • MULTIPLE STATES SAW AN UPTICK IN CALLS TO POISON CONTROL, AND

  • TRUMP'S COMMENTS WERE UNIVERSALLY REVILED, SO ON

  • FRIDAY, HE DID DAMAGE CONTROL.

  • >> MR. PRESIDENT, CAN YOU CLARIFY YOUR COMMENTS ABOUT

  • INJECTIONS OF DISINFECTANT?

  • THEY'RE QUITE PROVOCATIVE-- >> I WAS ASKING THE QUESTION

  • SARCASTICALLY TO REPORTERS LIKE YOU.

  • >> STEPHEN: OH, YEAH, TRUMP IS FAMOUS FOR HIS SARCASTIC

  • COMMENTS, LIKE THIS ONE: >> PRESERVE, PROTECT AND DEFEND

  • THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES.

  • >> STEPHEN: HILARIOUS.

  • TRUMP GOT SO MUCH HEAT FOR THE COMMENT THAT HE THREATENED TO

  • STOP DOING PRESS BRIEFINGS AT ALL, TWEETING, "WHAT IS THE

  • PURPOSE OF HAVING WHITE HOUSE NEWS CONFERENCES WHEN THE

  • LAMESTREAM MEDIA ASKS NOTHING BUT HOSTILE QUESTIONS, AND THEN

  • REFUSES TO REPORT THE TRUTH OR FACTS ACCURATELY.

  • THEY GET RECORD RATINGS, AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE GET NOTHING BUT

  • FAKE NEWS.

  • NOT WORTH THE TIME AND EFFORT!" YES, IT'S SO HOSTILE TO QUOTE

  • THE PRESIDENT TO HIMSELF!

  • (AS TRUMP) "LOOK, MY PRESS BRIEFINGS ARE

  • ALL SAID IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE.

  • WHAT'S SAID DIRECTLY INTO A CAMERA, STAYS DIRECTLY INTO A

  • CAMERA."

  • HE DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR THE PRESS BRIEFING YESTERDAY, ALTHOUGH,

  • THE WHITE HOUSE EXPLAINED THAT IT WAS MELANIA'S BIRTHDAY.

  • THEY CELEBRATED BY SPENDING A QUIET EVENING IN SEPARATE ROOMS.

  • THEY WERE SOCIAL DISTANCING YEARS BEFORE IT WAS COOL.

  • TRUMP ALSO SCRAPPED TODAY'S WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING,

  • UNTIL IT WAS ANNOUNCED, "PRESIDENT @REALDONALDTRUMP WILL

  • BRIEF THE NATION DURING A PRESS CONFERENCE THIS EVENING."

  • WOW, THAT FLIPPED SO FAST, I GOT WHIPLASH.

  • I'LL BE FINE.

  • I'LL INJECT SOME BLEACH INTO MY SPINE.

  • BUT STRATEGICALLY, THIS IS A GOOD MOVE.

  • HE DOESN'T WANT LAST THURSDAY TO BE THE FINAL IMPRESSION OF THESE

  • BRIEFINGS.

  • (AS TRUMP) "EVERYBODY DRINK POISON.

  • DONNY T. OUT!" TRUMP VENTED HIS FRUSTRATION AT

  • THE MEDIA IN GENERAL: "WHEN WILL ALL OF THE

  • 'REPORTERS' WHO HAVE RECEIVED 'NOBLE' PRIZES FOR THEIR WORK ON

  • RUSSIA, RUSSIA, RUSSIA, ONLY TO HAVE BEEN PROVEN TOTALLY WRONG

  • BE TURNING BACK THEIR CHERISHED 'NOBLES'?

  • WHEN WILL THE 'NOBLE' COMMITTEE DEMAND THE PRIZES BACK?

  • WHEN WILL THE 'NOBLE' COMMITTEE ACT?

  • BETTER BE FAST!" AH, YES, THE CHERISHED "NOBLE"

  • PRIZE, GIVEN TO SUCH LAUREATES AS ALBERT EINSTAIN AND MARTIN

  • BURGER KING.

  • TRUMP CLEARLY MEANT THE "NOBEL" PRIZE, EXCEPT THERE IS NO NOBEL

  • PRIZE FOR JOURNALISM, WHICH THE INTERNET HELPFULLY POINTED

  • OUT.

  • SO TRUMP REVIVED HIS NEW FAVORITE DEFENSE, TWEETING

  • "DOES ANYBODY GET THE MEANING OF WHAT A SO-CALLED 'NOBLE'-- NOT

  • NOBEL-- PRIZE IS, ESPECIALLY AS IT PERTAINS TO REPORTERS AND

  • JOURNALISTS?

  • NOBLE IS DEFINED AS, 'HAVING OR SHOWING FINE PERSONAL QUALITIES

  • OR HIGH MORAL PRINCIPLES AND IDEALS.'

  • DOES SARCASM EVER WORK?" (SARCASTICALLY)

  • OH, SARCASM WORKS GREEEAAAT.

  • SARCASM'S ABSOLUTELY THE BEST THING FOR A PRESIDENT TO DO IN

  • THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC.

  • YOU'RE DOING AMAZING, MR. PRESIDENT.

  • TRUMP MIGHT BE TRYING TO PUT A HOLD ON HIS DAILY PRESS

  • CONFERENCES, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S GIVEN UP ON HAVING AN

  • AUDIENCE, BECAUSE IN JUNE, TRUMP WILL TRAVEL TO WEST POINT TO

  • SPEAK AT THE U.S. MILITARY ACADEMY GRADUATION.

  • UNLESS HE COMES DOWN WITH THROAT SPURS.

  • THERE IS ONE CATCH.

  • LIKE MOST COLLEGES, WEST POINT ALREADY SENT CADETS HOME BECAUSE

  • OF CORONAVIRUS, AND NOW THEY HAVE TO BRING BACK 1,000 CADETS

  • FOR TRUMP'S COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS.

  • SURE, THAT'S HAZARDOUS.

  • BUT THOSE CADETS TRAINED TO BRAVELY SERVE WHEREVER THEIR

  • COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF SENDS THEM: WHETHER IT'S IRAQ, SYRIA, OR

  • EGO-SLAVIA.

  • KEEP IN MIND, TRUMP DIDN'T RUN THIS SPEECH IDEA BY THE MILITARY

  • BRASS.

  • "WEST POINT OFFICIALS SAID THEY WERE TAKEN ABACK BY THE

  • IMPROMPTU ANNOUNCEMENT."

  • MAKING TRUMP THE FIRST COMMANDER IN CHIEF TO LAUNCH A SNEAK

  • ATTACK ON HIS OWN ARMY.

  • GETTING THE CADETS BACK TO CAMPUS SAFELY WON'T BE EASY.

  • RETURNING SENIORS WILL BE TESTED OFF-CAMPUS FOR THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • THOSE WHO TEST NEGATIVE WILL THEN BE SENT TO THE SCHOOL,

  • WHERE THEY WILL BE MONITORED FOR 14 DAYS BEFORE GRADUATION.

  • THAT'S A LOT OF BUILD-UP.

  • IT BETTER BE A GREAT SPEECH.

  • (AS TRUMP) "CONGRATULATIONS, CLASS OF 2020.

  • AS YOU EMBARK ON YOUR JOURNEY, REMEMBER: ONE TIME, NO ONE SAID

  • I COULD WIN, BUT AFTER I WON WISCONSIN IT LOOKED PRETTY GOOD.

  • LOCK HER UP!

  • THE END."

  • YOU CAN SEND THEM HOME NOW.

  • ONCE THEY'RE ASSEMBLED, WHO KNOWS HOW SAFE THE CADETS WILL

  • ACTUALLY BE, BECAUSE TRUMP TOLD REPORTERS HE DID NOT LIKE

  • THE LOOK OF A SOCIALLY-DISTANCED GRADUATION, SAYING HE PREFERS

  • CEREMONIES THAT ARE "NICE AND TIGHT."

  • (AS TRUMP) "I LIKE IT NICE AND TIGHT.

  • I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BOUNCE A QUARTER OFF THIS GRADUATION.

  • CADETS, PUT ON YOUR DRESS SPANX."

  • TRUMP'S NOT THE ONLY DANGER TO OUR MILITARY.

  • SO IS NORTH KOREA.