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  • >> Stephen: HOW DO I LOOK?

  • >> FINE.

  • >> Stephen: HOW'S THE HAIR?

  • >> IT'S CROOKED.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S CROOKED?

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • THAT'S BETTER.

  • WHO'S THE GUEST TONIGHT.

  • >> THANDIE NEWTON.

  • >> Stephen: I HAVE JUICE NEWTON,

  • SIR ISAAC NEWTONS.

  • I HAVE NEWTON, COMMA, FIG.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • THANDIE NEWTON.

  • JIM, HOW IS IT LOOKING?

  • >> WE'RE STILL GETTING THE SATELLITE.

  • WE NEED 30 SECONDS.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, I'LL JUST TAKE A NAP THEN!

  • THIS SORT OF THING NEVER HAPPENED AT THE ED SULLIVAN

  • THEATER.

  • I WISH I WAS THERE AGAIN.

  • >> IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT"."

  • TONIGHT, STEPHEN SLEEPING OR IS HE WEAK?

  • PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES THANDIE NEWTON, AND INA GARTEN.

  • WITH A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY JOHN MULANEY, FEATURING JON

  • BATTISTE AND STAY HUMAN.

  • AND NOW LIFE FROM HIS OWN SUBCONSCIOUS, IT'S STEPHEN

  • COLBERT!

  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH,

  • PLEASE, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, EVERYBODY, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND

  • THE WORLD.

  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

  • >> Stephen: HOLD ON A SECOND.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • FOLKS, AS YOU CAN SEE, I AM COMING TO ONCE AGAIN FROM THE

  • BEAUTIFUL ED SULLIVAN THEATER HERE IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN.

  • AND I CAN DO THAT BECAUSE TODAY MAY 1, THE FEDERAL STAY-AT-HOME

  • ORDER HAS BEEN LIFT LIFT AND SINCE WE'RE GOVERNED BY THE

  • FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS COMMISSION, I'M PRETTY SURE

  • THAT'S OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE.

  • OF COURSE, I'M PLAYING IT SAFE BY BEING A CARTOON, WHICH IS THE

  • ULTIMATE MASK.

  • GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN, JON.

  • ( PIANO RIFF ) >> Jon: GREAT TO SEE YOU, TOO,

  • STEPHEN.

  • HOW DO I SOUND?

  • YOU.

  • >> Stephen: LOOK FANTASTIC.

  • YOU SOUND AMAZING.

  • I AM SO GLAD TO BE HERE, SINCE LOCKDOWN I HAVE BEEN DREAMING

  • ABOUT DOING THE SHOW FROM THE ED SULLIVAN.

  • WAIT A MINUTE.

  • MAYBE THIS IS JUST A DREAM.

  • HOLD ON, LET ME CHECK.

  • NOPE.

  • NOT WAKING UP.

  • THIS MUST BE REAL LIFE.

  • ( PIANO RIFF ) >> Jon: IT'S REAL, STEPHEN, AND

  • I'M STAYING HUMAN.

  • THAT'S SOME SMOKIN' SQUID RIGHT THERE!

  • ( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: MOVING ON TO

  • SOMETHING SLIGHTLY MORE CARTOONISH, DONALD TRUMP.

  • TRUMP'S POLL NUMBERS ARE GOING DOWN THE TWEETING THRONE BECAUSE

  • HE SO FRAGRANTLY SHANKED THE RESPONSE TO THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • FOR EXAMPLE, HIS SERIES OF DISASTROUS PRESS CONFERENCES, IN

  • WHICH HE SUGGESTED, AMONG OTHER THINGS, THAT PEOPLE SOMEHOW PUT

  • BLEACH IN THEIR BODES.

  • OH, LET'S GIVE THAT A TRY, OKAY, THAT'S A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

  • LET'S FIX THAT.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • SO, TO CONTINUE HIS PERFECT RECORD FOR NEVER TAKING

  • RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING, TRUMP HAS STARTED A PUBLIC

  • CAMPAIGN TO BLAME CHINA FOR THE PANDEMIC.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "I WANT TO SEE THE VIRUS'

  • LONG-FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

  • I HAVE A FEELING IT'S FROM CHINA, WHICH MANY ARE CALLING

  • 'THE KENYA OF ASIA.'" SPECIFICALLY, TRUMP HAS

  • PRESSURED THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY FOR EVIDENCE TO

  • SUPPORT AN UNSUBSTANTIATED THEORY THAT A GOVERNMENT

  • LABORATORY IN WUHAN WAS THE ORIGIN OF THE CORONAVIRUS

  • OUTBREAK.

  • I'VE SEEN THAT THEORY, TOO, FROM MY SOURCE ON THE INTERNET, WHO

  • ASSURES ME, "ERMAHGERD, CERERNERVEHRUS CAME FROM A

  • WUHERN LERB!" BUT YESTERDAY, THE DIRECTOR OF

  • NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING, "THE

  • INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY CONCURS WITH THE WIDE SCIENTIFIC

  • CONSENSUS THAT THE COVID-19 VIRUS WAS NOT MANMADE OR

  • GENETICALLY MODIFIED."

  • OH, "NOT GENETICALLY MODIFIED."

  • SO IT'S BETTER FOR YOU THAN CORN?

  • SCIENTIFIC CONSENSUS IS THAT COVID 19 "BEGAN AS A BAT VIRUS."

  • NO WORD YET ON HOW IT SPREAD TO HUMANS, BUT SCIENTISTS THINK THE

  • LIKELY CULPRIT WAS THIS MAN.

  • "I HAD SEX WITH A BAT.

  • UPSIDE DOWN.

  • IT WAS PRETTY HOT."

  • YESTERDAY, TRUMP SAID HE BELIEVED THE WUHAN LAB

  • CONSPIRACY THEORY, AND THEN REPORTERS PRESSED HIM ON WHY HE

  • BELIEVED THAT.

  • >> Stephen: MY QUESTION IS HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING AT THIS

  • POINT THAT GIVES YOU A HIGH DEGREE OF CONFIDENCE THAT THE

  • WUHAN INSTITUTE OF VIROLOGY WAS THE SOURCE?

  • >> YES, I HAVE.

  • YES, I HAVE.

  • >> Stephen: YES, HE HAS.

  • TRUMP LOOKED AT THE VIRUS UNDER A MICROSCOPE AND SAW IT WAS

  • CLEARLY MADE IN CHINA.

  • THE REPORTER PRESSED HIM FURTHER.

  • >> WHAT GIVES YOU A HIGH DEGREE OF CONFIDENCE THAT THIS

  • ORIGINATED FROM THE WUHAN INSTITUTE OF VIROLOGY?

  • >> I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT.

  • I'M NOT ALLOWED TO TELL YOU THAT.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I COULD TELL YOU, BUT THEN I'D

  • HAVE TO KILL YOU.

  • PROBABLY WITH THE VIRUS I'M NOT TAKING SERIOUSLY."

  • AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO"?

  • YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT.

  • ANYTHING YOU SAY IS INSTANTLY DECLASSIFIED.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "LOOK, I'D LOVE TO TELL YOU, BUT

  • MY BOSS WOULD KILL ME.

  • AGAIN, WITH THE VIRUS I'M NOT TAKING SERIOUSLY."

  • TRUMP MADE THESE COMMENTS AT AN EVENT ABOUT PROTECTING SENIORS,

  • A GROUP HE'S NOT SURE HE BELONGS TO.

  • >> THIS AFTERNOON, I'LL SIGN A PROCLAMATION DECLARING THE MONTH

  • OF MAY TO BE "OLDER AMERICANS MONTH."

  • I DON'T KNOW IF I'M IN THAT CATEGORY.

  • I HAVE A FEELING I AM.

  • BUT I FEEL GOOD.

  • >> Stephen: THE I'M PRETTY SURE BEING CONFUSED ABOUT

  • WHETHER YOU BELONG IN THE "OLDER AMERICANS"

  • CATEGORY MEANS YOU BELONG IN THE "OLDER AMERICANS" CATEGORY.

  • TRUMP ALSO WEIGHED IN ON THE CHARACTER OF HIS OLD PAL GENERAL

  • MICHAEL FLYNN.

  • >> I THINK HE IS A FINE MAN.

  • I THINK HE HAS GOT A GREAT FAMILY.

  • HE LOVES HIS SON.

  • I WILL TELL YOU, HIS SON WAS AROUND A LOT, AND HE LOVES HIS

  • SON, AS PEOPLE GENERALLY DO.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "PEOPLE GENERALLY LOVE THEIR

  • SONS BUT, OF COURSE, THERE IS AN ERIC TO EVERY RULE."

  • TRUMP DESPERATELY MISSES HIS RALLIES.

  • SO ON SUNDAY, HE'S PLANNING WHAT HE HOPES IS THE NEXT BEST THING.

  • "A TWO-HOUR EVENT ON EMERGING FROM THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC

  • LIVE FROM THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL."

  • I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING MORE APPROPRIATE THAN STANDING IN

  • FRONT OF LINCOLN MEMORY ALTHOUGH SAYING, STATES CAN DO WHATEVER

  • THEY WANT.

  • IT'S UP TO THEM.

  • THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING IT IN FRONT OF A MAN FROZEN IN STONE,

  • INDOORS, SITTING IN A CHAIR FOR ALL ETERNITY."

  • WE HAVEN'T HEARD A LOT FROM THE PRESUMPTIVE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE

  • AND NATIONAL TOOTH PRESERVE, JOE BIDEN.

  • HE HAS BEEN SILENT ABOUT THE SEXUAL ASSAULT CHARGES MADE BY

  • TARA READE.

  • HE TOLD WANT ASSOCIATED PRESS, WHEN SHE WORKED FORED BY NEN

  • 1993, HE RUBBED HER SHOULDERS AND NECK AND PLAYED WITH HER

  • HAIR.

  • NOW, THAT WOULD BE WRONG EVEN IF HE WERE HER HAIRDRESSER, UNLESS

  • HE WORKED AT SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE CUT.

  • BUT IN A RECENT PODCAST, READE TOOK THE ALLEGATIONS FURTHER,

  • SAYING, HE DID SOMETHING REALLY BAD, SOMETHING I'M NOT ALLOWED

  • TO SAY ON CBS.

  • HOW DO I DO THIS?

  • A LITTLE HELP, PLEASE.

  • >> GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY.

  • >> Stephen: YES, WHAT HE SAID AND DID.

  • PARTS OF READE'S STORY HAVE BEEN CORROBORATED BY HER BROTHER, A

  • FORMER COWORKER, AND A FORMER NEIGHBOR WHO ALL SAID SHE TOLD

  • THEM ABOUT IT AT THE TIME.

  • AND A NEWLY RESURFACED VIDEO APEERS TO SHOW READE'S MOTHER

  • CALLING IN TO "LARRY KING LIVE" TO SEEK ADVICE.

  • YOU KNOW IT'S A ROUGH ERA FOR WOMEN WHEN THEIR BEST OPTION WAS

  • TO CALL LARRY KING.