coping with quarantine as best we can,

trying to get some work done, homeschooling our kids,

ad a lot of us are gettin' outside

to get some much-needed exercise,

but it seems like not everyone is being smart about it,

which brings us to a segment we call "Hey!"

♪♪

Hey! Joggers.

It's scary enough, bein' out in the world right now,

without one of you stompin' up from behind,

panting and gasping. It's like a horror movie,

except Jason had the decency to wear a mask.

And, hey, a lotta people carry the virus,

even when they don't have symptoms.

You could be crop dusting us with corona.

When Nike says "Just do it,"

they don't mean mass murder.

And, hey, I know you think, if you're super healthy,

you don't have corona and, therefore,

you can't spread it, but how can you be sure?

Think about it -- the symptoms are:

a sore throat, difficult breathing,

and a higher body temperature and, last I checked,

those are also the symptoms of jogging.

And, hey, what is wrong with you?

You, for once, have the perfect excuse not to go jogging.

What are you trying to prove?

You're out there in the rain.

You're out there in the snow.

There could be a meteor headed

directly for Earth and your reaction would be,

"I can still get in a few miles before I'm vaporized."

Hey, just an idea -- why don't you stay home

and jog in place, like you do at every red light?

And, yeah, we notice when you do that.

And, hey, how is it possible

that you know your exact body mass index

and you know your average heart rate

and you know your VO2 max,

but you still don't know what six feet is?

Let me help. It's at least three

of those weird lunge stretches you do

to let the world know you're a runner,

the way a peacock lets the opposite sex know

they're ready to mate. You know, it's like this thing.

Like that, you go like that, and all the way back.

That's like two feet.

And then three more.

And then that would be -- You get it.

Hey, this isn't easy for me to say

because I'm also a runner.

In fact, I personally run

a couple of mar-- -No one cares!

-What?

How did you hear me from downstairs?

Very rude to interrupt with that.

And, hey, if you absolutely have to get out there and jog,

put on a mask. I know. I know,

that makes it harder to breathe,

but you know what else makes it harder to breathe?

Jogging. You apparently love it when it's hard to breathe,

so why not up your game?

Put on two masks.

Turn on the hot water in your shower

and run in circles in your bathroom until you pass out.

And, hey!

Hey, bikers? You're just as bad.

All you are is a jogger who wants to do it sitting down.

Actually, you're worse, because you come up behind us

before we have a chance to move.

I swear, long after this pandemic is over,

I'm still gonna be diving into bushes

every time I hear a little bell and that stinks

because I love the sound of a little bell.

This has been "Hey!"

♪♪